Parebts/groom- Who pays for what in splitting costs?

21 years ago

Hi everyone,

My DH & I will be married 25 year this May, so it's been a looooooog time since we have been part of planning a wedding. Our son & his fiance are planning a June '06 wedding. We know how expensive wedding can be and would like help make their wedding dream plans come true.

I know it used to be that the brides family paid for the wedding, but we would like to help out and take some of the financial burden off of her parents (whom we like & get along with very well) and our future DIL & DS.

We are not the Trumps, but will try to do what we can. We may not be able to do an equal split, but will try to break it down the best way financially possible. Has anyone else devised a way to split the costs with both sides helping? How did you break it down?

Can anyone suggest a good wedding ettiquete book or planner, magazine, or another specific website to know how things are done these days?

TIA for your help. I mostly am at the KT & the CareGivers Forums, but it looks like I will be spending a lot more time here in the near future. LOL

Best of Luck to all of you almost-newly-weds.

Blessings,

katclaws

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Comments (6)

duckie
21 years ago
One way that seems to work well for many parents is to determine an ammount of money you wish to give them to spend on the wedding, then let them budget it as they desire. This method helps keep down some arguments. "Yea, I said I'd pay for flowers, but never in my wildest dreams did I think you'd want that many!" It also gives the bride and groom more control (which many of them want) and more practice working within a budget (which many of them need).

The most well known parents of the groom expense is the rehearsal dinner. If you plan to give a set amount, let the bride and groom know specifically if that is to cover the rehearsal dinner as well, or if you want to take care of that separate.
gellchom
21 years ago
I think that a lot of people get themselves into a jam by focusing on "who is supposed to" pay for what. I don't think there were ever any RULES about that, and even the customs varied from community to community (geographic, ethnic, etc.). Today, I think that the most you can do is to try to figure out what is customary in your and your future in-laws' community/ies, if what you are really after is finding out "how things are done these days."

But I think that is probably a red herring. I would worry less about "how things are done," and figure out what is right for YOU and the families involved in THIS wedding. I think that it is lovely that you are so generous. Duckie's advice is excellent. Decide what you can afford and offer to contribute it. Or, if you prefer, you might offer to host a rehearsal dinner -- and then plan what you want and spend whatever you please, as you are the hosts. Have fun!

Congratulations on your son's engagement and your own anniversary!
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Nancylouise, search this forum for discussions of destination weddings. If what you are really looking for is not advice, but people to support the decision you have already made and to tell you not to worry about anyone else's feelings, you'll find that. But you will also find many posters who said that they don't like destination weddings (especially for first marriages) because they communicate the message that the couple cares more about a fancy, exotic setting than about having their families with them as they are married. I certainly agree that the decision is yours, and you really are entitled to do what suits you. But I disagree that what is going on here is that people are "trying to lay a guilt trip on you." I think that your fiance's family are genuinely disappointed that they will not be at your wedding. (And isn't that a good thing? How would you feel if they didn't give a darn?) You are entitled to make your own choice, but you do not have the power to control how other people will feel about it. If you feel bad about thier disappointment, don't fall into the trap of blaming them for "making you" feel that way. Actually, good for you that you are feeling "guilty," as you put it -- not because you are "guilty" of anything, but because it shows that you care about other people's feelings, too, not just your own. You are finding it hard to close off your heart and say, "Too bad for them; it is Our Wedding, and I am The Bride, and they have no right to 'make me' feel bad about it by being disappointed." I think that speaks well for you. Of course you shouldn't start out marriage in debt for more wedding and honeymoon than you can afford. But I don't see anything in there that says anyone is asking you to do that. Try to look at it from their point of view: you are choosing an expensive honeymoon over having them at your wedding. I can't blame a parent for feeling that you two will, with luck, have many trips over the years, but only one wedding. And it seems to me -- although there may be circumstances I don't understand -- that you are presenting a false choice here. There isn't enough money for both a wedding reception and a trip to the Bahamas, and you have chosen to spend your budget on the trip -- okay. But does that mean you have to "elope," as you put it, in order to have the trip? Would it be possible to have your close relatives present at a City Hall ceremony or a simple ceremony at home, a clergyperson's office, or other free venue, and then go to the Bahamas for your honeymoon? That is the compromise I would recommend. Your more distant relatives will be disappointed, and your closer ones won't get to celebrate at a reception, but that isn't the same as missing seeing your own child get married -- a disappointment, but not a heartbreak. On your end of the compromise, you wouldn't have your ceremony in an exotic Bahamian setting, but you'd still get to spend your budget the way you wanted, and anyway, the setting isn't the most important part (I hope!) of the ceremony, is it? Besides, there's nothing stopping you from having your own romantic private ceremony in the Bahamas, too, you know -- and you'd save the money of having it be the official one. It would also relieve your relatives who said they would try to scrape up the money to come of having to make that choice -- and it would make sure you would be ALONE on your honeymoon! Whatever you decide, the point is that it is important to communicate and implement it in a way that considers other people's feelings as well as your own desires. That doesn't mean you can't do what you want, including no compromise at all. But it does mean that other people will have responses, and if you care about them and your relationship, you will deal with their feelings in a kind and respectful way: e.g., "Mom and Dad, we know our decision to marry in the Bahamas really disappoints you, and we're sorry you are hurt. We really appreciate your support even though we know it isn't what you would prefer." -- NOT, "It's OUR WEDDING and OUR MONEY and we should be able to do whatever we want! It's so mean of you to try to make us feel guilty!" After all, as foolish as it would be to make wedding plans that will cause you start married life in financial debt, it's even more foolish to start off by communicating to your families that you don't care about anyone's feelings but your own. Good luck to you.
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mary_md7
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All contributions to a wedding are voluntary. Traditionally, the bride's parents paid for the costs other than the rehearsal dinner and bride's bouquet, which were paid by the groom's side. I've seen on a couple of Internet boards that in some areas, the grooms family pays for the bar (if there is one) but I've never heard of that in my area/circle.

IMHO, getting married is an adult thing to do and adults pay for their own decisions unless someone else volunteers. If families do volunteer, that's wonderful!
sheilajoyce_gw
21 years ago
We are into a wedding now. The groom pays for the minister and the flowers for the bride and the mothers. And the honeymoon. The groom's family pays for the rehearsal dinner and invites whomever they want--wedding party and spouses, minister and parents for sure. But they can also invite all the out of town guests if they are so inclined; it is up to the groom's parents as the hosts.

I also hear about the groom's family picking an area of expense in discussion with the couple and her parents and paying for specific item(s). The bar is one area. Or the photographer. Or the music. Or all the flowers--reception, etc. Or whatever, and then the bride and her family select what pleases them--they pick the photographer even though the groom's family is paying, for example, or they pick the centerpieces or the musical group. How very nice of you to offer to help. My hat's off to you!!!
kathyg_in_mi
21 years ago
When DD got married a few years ago we gave them a set amount of money that we felt we could afford (we have 4 kids). Now youngest DS is getting married next year and we told them they will get X amount of money (same as DD) and to spend it wisely. Of course, they all ways get the speech that the $$ can be used however they want to, but we feel a down payment on a house would be a wise choice. Then we never say another word about it. We do give the money in installments, so much in the beginning, so much 6 months before the wedding and then about a month before the wedding the remainder.
If we hadn't done it by telling them how many $'s my DD would have had a very extravagant wedding! She has very expensive tastes!!! We put all 4 kids thru college and she went to medical school. Have to put limits somewhere!
Kathy G in MI
sweet_pea10
21 years ago
I am a wedding coordinator. I find that it works best when the parents (both sets) offer a set amount of money to be used as the couple chooses. If the couple choose to spend more, then they pay for it. Statistically, today the majority of weddings are financed by a joint effort of both sets of parents and the bride and groom, though not necessarily equally.

I like KathyG's idea of giving the money in installments. Initially, the couple will have to make deposits to the vendors that they hire. Then, two to three weeks before the wedding, they will need to go back and make final payments. Having the money available at those times will keep them from overspending during the intervening months.

Parebts/groom- Who pays for what in splitting costs?

Comments (6)

duckie

gellchom

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