Were you surprised that she acted this way! I'm not. Perhaps when her birthday comes around, you and the kids shouldn't make a real effort to find a present for her birthday. I know it is a hard thing to do, but I am really starting to think that if someone does not show these stepdaughters how it feels to be ignored, they will never really feel the emotions it creates and they will continue to be selfish. By not offering the three year old a simple little gift for him to open, she proves how she only thinks about herself.

I know its easier said than done however. For 16 years I bought my oldest SD a present for every single one of her birthdays. She has thanked me once for one gift. She has never, never given me a birhtday gift or a birthday card. The two youngest stepchildren have.

Two years ago i decided not to give her anything for her birthday and did not even wish her happy birthday. It was kind of easy to do cuz she was living far away from us at that point. Today however she lives 15 minutes from us with my other stepdaughter and stepson. Her birthday is five days before my youngest SD. Now, I feel like I won't be able to get away from having to give her something cuz i know she might show up at our place on her birthday or that DH is going to ask if we can invite them both at the same time for cake and ice cream and to give them their presents!
God...the things we have to do to have some PEACE in our lives!

Please let us know what DH said about his daughter not offering a present to her younger stepbrother and what you think you will do when it comes to her birthday.

Keep posting.

My DH hasn't ever said a thing about his kids' ignorance. My staff still talks about both SDs coming to a surprise baby shower my friends had for me, sitting there, not talking to anyone, not presenting so much as a card of congratulations. I wasn't affected by that after the stunts they pulled w/ my dear nephews each Christmas. I basically raised my nephews when they were younger and these kids were downright rude to the little boys. It broke my heart. One Christmas season, I was fooled into believing these steps were taking a higher road and the SD that lives w/ me said, "I want to get the boys these beach sandals they want - you didn't get them already, did you?" I said, "That would be GREAT! No, I didn't get to the surf shop, but if you're willing, that would be wonderful and save me from running around crazier than ever!"

Well, you guessed it, 10:00 pm rolls around on CHRISTMAS EVE, I'm wrapping, she waltzes in - "Oh, just want to let you know I didn't get to the surf shop." I felt like someone let the steam out of me. I was so hurt and at that hour, had no way of getting the shoes for the boys - which I had every intention of getting prior to her big mouth. I made a remark to DH who just listened and walked away.

I want to say something about her lack of recognition for the boys' birthdays, but he'll either ignore it, run out and buy them something and hand it to her to give them, or it will just start a fight. I'm just losing my drive at the moment to do much of anything.

On our tenth anniversary last month it was so sad. I thought, "If I knew then what I know now, I'd have RUN so far from this man it isn't funny!" I wouldn't wish my kids away for anything, but these steps have soured my life, my marriage, my savings, etc.

Like you, I began ignoring the steps' b-days while they were in college, but DH would buy some pricey piece of jewelry or send money from us both. I once said, "I won't buy those kids another kids. Everything, even specific items they requested, has been returned and I'm tired of driving myself crazy over them." He looks on, staring at me like an idiot half the time. He has to see it, but the most he'll ever do is blame their mother. Now, I'm the last one to ever stick up for that woman, but how is it HER fault that adults behave like this? They are no longer kids and they certainly know right from wrong. You know what really bugs me about this SD? Someone in her office had a b-day and she said, "Where did you get that delicious cake for your g-father's memorial and was it expensive?" I said that it was VERY expensive and gave her the name of the place. For an instant, I thought she was actually buy a cake for my older son's b-day last month and I said, "Honey, please don't go to all that trouble for your brother - he wants me to bake him a Funfetti cake." She came back, "Oh, it's for Emma, in my office. The office always buys everyone a cheap ice cream cake on their -days and I want to do something really nice." So, she's a big shot at her office but can't spend $2 on a card for her brother...it makes me sick. And, at Christmas, you should have seen the time she put into gifts for her college roommate - she went to so much trouble, but did her father, me or our sons receive ONE thing? Nope.

Dana

Dana,
By the way, I love your name.

My stepson has the same name and i love it.

My DH is the same way as her DH when it comes to his kids ignorance espcially his oldest daughter's ignorance towards me.

Because I have just recently started to disengage from his oldest daughter, i have a sneaky feeling she will talk to her father about my attitude towards her. Well, i am just waiting for the day when DH will say to me : why are you acting that way towards her! Is he ever going to hear it from me. And that's because in the last 18 years that I have been with him, not once, not even one single time, have i heard him reprimand that daughter for the way she has shown disrespect towards me. So, if he thinks i'm going to take xxxx from him because of the way I am acting towards his soon to be 27 years old daughter, he's wrong!

When DH gives his oldest daughter a gift i truly make sure i don't sign the card anymore. Her birthday is coming up in two weeks, and i couldn't care less.

I have never received a personal xmas present from her either. I know last christmas, it was the third one in a row that she came to our home with nothing for her father or I. Not even a card. She bought her husband a gift with the money we sent her them for christmas. When she told me she had bought some gifts for him with the money we sent her, I couldn't understand that considering she had been telling her mother and her father that she wanted her husband out of the house, that she didn't love him anymore, etc. etc. Go figure!

I can count on my hands how many times she has called her dad on Father's Day in the last 18 yrs. I think it happened only once or twice. That's it! Last year, DH told me it hurt him that she hadn't called him to wish him Happy father's day. Oh my god i almost fell off my chair.!!!!He actually said something against his daughter!!!!!After that, he didn't call her for a couple of weeks but the first thing I knew he did call her back and pretended nothing had happened, that he wasn't bothered by the fact that she hadn't called! YA RIGHT!

Does your DH daughter have friends? My DH's oldest daughter doesn't have a single friend other than her sister. It took me a long time to see this but i did more recently when i asked her if she had seen so and so. Her mother told me that when this daughter lived in another city not so long ago, she didn't have any friends there either. Maybe just one! Can you believe it! 26 yrs old and no friends.

The day of her wedding, a woman came up to me and saw I didn't have a corsage. I didn't even know this woman but she knew my DH's oldest daughter. This woman whom i had never seen in my life said : I see you have no corsage. This step daughter is mean!...(I never felt so good in my life!)(Finally, somebody agreed with me!)

So, unfortunately, these young women may think they are acting smart by being so selfish and careless with stepfamily members, but the older they get, the more they will realize they aren't always ENTITLED to what they want and they just can't think about themselves!

I've often said my DH's oldest daughter has a really awful way of making fun of me. It bothered me for years and years. Last weekend, when she was over at our house with my other SD, the youngest, I noticed that the oldest one was making fun and mocking my youngest SD the same way she had done towards me for years.I told myself there she goes, she can't make fun of me anymore so now she is picking on her younger sister. And you know it's not like ''polite making fun'' like ....saying "" you're so funny'' NO. it's more like :.....she always does this, she starts this story and then we find out its not even funny, etc. etc. She is just plain rude.

The other thing I noticed and I am really worried about is her influence on my younger stepdaughter whom all my life i told her how important it was to be independent, to work, to get a job, to study, etc. etc. etc. Well, since the oldest daughter has moved back in our city and in my youngest SD's home, I noticed my youngest SD has skipped university classes, has not even looked for a summer job yet ( she has been out of school for more than a month now) and I've also noticed she doesn't take care of herself like she used to. She is starting to look more and more like the sloppy oldest SD. When I asked my youngest SD why aren't you working yet...she just said she wanted to relax a bit considering she had just finished her first year of university. Ok, i thought but I really felt like saying ; that is not you. You are not like that. You are always the first one to do things that are supposed to be done but since everyday you see your sister sitting there, not looking for a job herself and watching tv till 2 in the morning, I guess it must be hard for you to find the motivation to go out and find a job!!!

I'm not going to say a word to my youngest SD for a little bit but if i see she is becoming more and more lazy like her older sister, I will tell her that her sister may be giving her the impression that all is fine with her life, but that really it isn't and that she shouldn't take her sister as a good example of what she wants to do with her life cuz otherwise she too will end up living on wlefare.

Dana, I know exactly what you mean when you had those thoughts on the day of your 10th wedding anniversary. This winter, I really, really thought I would leave DH because of all the troubles his oldest daughter created in our relationship.

In fact, when she decided to separate from her husband and move back near us i told DH that this would be the beginning of the end between us!

I'm still thinking that although things are going a little bit better between us lately.

Don't give up Dana. Courage.

Keep posting.