Fiance wants to invite an ex-girlfriend to Wedding

17 years ago

So my fiance wants to invite his ex-girlfriend to the wedding. Not only that, but now I think he's trying to get her invited to the Rehearsal Dinner also. I, obviously, would prefer that she disappeared off the face of this planet.

Now I know that these cases are extremeley fact specific, and whether I'm reasonable in feeling this way, or just being immature really depends on these facts, so here are some details:

1. I knew the fiance was good friends with his ex-gf, and didn't mind until after I met her. After I met her is when she really started to bother me.

2. When we met, she was really possessive of my fiance. For example, when he put his hand on my arm and started rubbing it, she immediately flung her body accross the entire dinner table just so she could rub his arm and comment on "how cute that was."

3. She also commented on a necklace of mine that the fiance had given me. But instead of saying, "I like your necklace" she said "I like your [insert fiance's name]" Freudian slip on her part? Honest mistake caused by too much wine? You can decide.

4. She lives on the other side of the country. But my fiance had to spend about 1 month in her city for work, and would meet up with her a lot during this time. After he came back, he slipped up and called me by her name. That was probably the last straw that made me decide: I really don't like this girl.

5. To be fair, he doesn't talk with her much anymore, and he has cut back on talking with her a lot (compared to how much he did before we met)

6. However, I happened to bring up her name the other day, and I think that sparked his memory of "his good friend" because now he seems interested in trying to talk to her again and, as I mentioned before, he seems interested in inviting her to the Rehearsal Dinner. (mistake on my part...I should have refrained from talking about her..!)

So, at any rate, she's invited to the wedding. And I'm not going to veto that since she's a good friend of his. However, I'm obviously hating the fact that she'll be there. And if the fiance does try to invite her to the Rehearsal Dinner, I'm definitely fighting that (my belief is that the Rehearsal Dinner should be wedding party and immediate family only).

I guess my question is, am I just being mature and insecure, and I should just try to let this all go? Or do I actually have a reason to be upset? Anyone else go through similar situations?

Thanks!

Sort by:Oldest

Comments (8)

nancylouise5me
17 years ago
Have no problem with the "good friend" attending the wedding. That is fine. I totally agree with you that she should not attend the rehearsal dinner. That is as you stated wedding party, family, officiant, and the photographer if you chose to take pictures, that's it. She is neither a family member or a member of the wedding. I think you are being very mature. She's going to the wedding isn't she? You say that when she is gone, soon to be hubby doesn't much pay her any mind. Once you are married I bet things will be that way again. Out of site, out of mind. Let your fiance know how you feel about who is to attend the rehearsal dinner and "just say no' to the friend. Congratulations on your up coming wedding too! NancyLouise
sue36
17 years ago
Unless every out of town guest is being invited to the rehearsal dinner (and it sounds like that is not the case) then she shouldn't be invited to the rehearsal dinner. And don't assume that him wanting her at the wedding means there is nothing going on. I know a woman who learned her husband's "friend" who came to the wedding was actual his lover, before and after the wedding.
Related Discussions
Fiance's Ex's Invitation
Q
Comments (12)
I have a feeling you are trying to frame the issue as a general policy question ("do you feel that it is unfair that in regards to friends (ie not family), any prospective invitee should be (at least mostly) happily agreed upon or not get invited?") rather than a specific, personal one (like, "Do you think it's okay if I ask my fiancee not to invite her old boyfriend?") -- perhaps because you think she would take it better that way -- talking about abstracts instead of feelings. Personally, I think you have it backward. You can argue forever about what is the "proper" way to decide on guest lists, or whether you have a "right" to feel uncomfortable. And choosing abstracts over feelings can really backfire: "What's wrong with you -- you think some stupid rule is more important than my friendship with Thaddeus!!" Can you see how that's a dead end? Instead, I would tell your fiancee that you are feeling bad, and ask her to help you. "Petunia, I know Thaddeus is a good friend, so this is very hard for me to ask. At first I thought it really wouldn't bother me if we invited him to the wedding. I know that he is no longer a boyfriend. But I find that the idea of inviting him has been making me uncomfortable after all. I tried to shake it off, but it is really bothering me. Please try to understand; I tried, but I am just not comfortable having him at the wedding. Let's get together with him some other time, okay?" Do you see what that says -- and what it doesn't say? It doesn't say you are trying to control her friendships or that you don't trust her. It doesn't give specific reasons for your discomfort (like, "I don't want people talking about him") that she could then argue about. It doesn't say that she can't be friends with him. It doesn't say that she has to agree with you that he should not be invited. It does say that you acknowledge her friendship with ol' Thad. It does say that you know she loves you enough for you to tell her your feelings with the expectation that she will understand and want you to feel comfortable at your own wedding. And that's the important part. Many years ago, an old boyfriend of mine had become a friend (to my husband, as well), and we liked his fiancee, too. He was from another country, so very few of his family and friends could come to the wedding, which was in the US. He told us we would be invited, and we promised to attend, so he would have people from his "side." As the wedding day neared, though, he called and apologized and told us that his fiancee just wasn't comfortable having me there, even though she knew our relationship was long over, and even though she and I (and my husband) had become friendly the few times we'd met, too. We were surprised and a little disappointed, but we understood completely. I thought then and still think that he did exactly the right thing. Her feelings were a lot more important than our presence.
...See More
Fiance's ex & bitter feelings
Q
Comments (14)
Thank you ladies... although my blisters are now calloused (smiles) Vista ... I think your mom is right ... Most of us do the same thing ... "make it too easy for them" both parents not just fathers or mothers. I am going back to work in September and the kids are in an uproar they don't want to go to daycare ... BM had the "nerve" the call me and say ... "the kids tell me you are going back to work and they have to go to daycare, couldn't you get a job where you could be home afterschool for them"!!!! (OMG she is not even working) I said well you're not working maybe you could pick them up for 2 hours afterschool and we could pick them up at 5:00pm from your house. Well what if I go to work or school she says.... well can't you arrange it so you are home afterschool for them!!!.
...See More
Kids mom don't want them around me..fiance won't speak up
Q
Comments (16)
All of you ladies are so right!!! I am so thankful I found this forum, to give me the courage to do what I knew inside I needed to do. After my last post to lilysuzanne last night, I sent him a text message (he was at his mom's with is kids). It was around 2:30am... if course I couldn't sleep. The text said basically I couldn't be in this relationship with him any more & I would talk to him in the mornign when he came home. This morning, we had that conversation. I did break up with him. As bad as I hurt, I feel that much more liberated. He kept saying stuff was about his kids, but as I pointed out to him, nothing he said correlated to his children. It was all about him and his fear(s) of committment, "manning up", and DEMONSTRATING his love for me. He referenced the times less than four that he has attempted to do family oriented things with me and his children. He said his son feels uncomfortable because of tension that he feels, and felt 1 or 2 other times when we were all together and his father and I were upset with one another. I reminded him that we have NEVER argued in front of or around his children; not even when we were all the same house. He said, it was "ONE" time his son flet like we were angry with one another and it made him feel uneasy... Now, everytime I am around he (his son) gets that feeling. My answer to that was: 1. The only way to overcome negative feelings is to be consistently positive, and taling advantage of those moments when the opportunity presents itself. 2. The tension his son felt was the uneasiness that we all have being on pins & needles around each other the less than four times I have been around them. Moreover, my BF does nothing to counteract his son's excuses. 3. He knows just like I know, that if a child hears bad things from BioM for years and dad does nothing to counteract the negativity, then the child will feed off of that. He said he knew that I have never done anything to disrespect or hurt his children. His children would respect me in my presence, BUT he needs to make sure that his realtionship with his kids is guarded. He is concerned about how they "view" him. To me, that was a bunch of mumbo jumbo. Another excuse! His children will always love him. All he has to do is do what is right. We went on and on--- so much was said... but the bottom line was that I told him I just couldn't do this anymore. He agreed that I was a selfLESS person, and had given up a lot. He left the house, but called in 5 minutes trying to confuse me... but I held my ground! He said... "Everytime I think we are making progress in our relationship, and getting closer to the goal of marriage something comes up to step in the way of the plan." I know his goal was to catch me off guard and say to myself, "Self, you are moving too fast. Slow down. He was about to ask you to marry him. Give him a little longer... another chance." Luckily, I could visualize every post on this forum from last night. I almost gagged, that he thought after all we talked about that I should wait one more day to move "closer..." Is he crazy? Wait! Let me answer that... YES! He is CRAZY! 9 years is long enough. THANKS LADIES, and angelz DH (for giving me a man's POV, whiched helps me to seal the deal).
...See More
Introducing my ex's girlfriend
Q
Comments (73)
i didn't mean you whatsoever. if your DH's ex is no good, it doesn't mean every marriage is this way. i wasn't talking about your situation, my point is about OP, not you. OP never said that she cheated and left her husband, it was the other way around. she also never said that she abandoned her children the way your DH's ex did. so if you had a serious reason to annul their marriage it doesn't mean everyone has that reason. her leaving and abandoning might as well be good enough reason, i don't know what reasons church is looking for. I personally never abandoned my child, never cheated and would be hurt if my X annuled our marriage and more so asked me to sign for it. i would be hurt so is OP. it is not about you. your situation is different, his ex sucked big time, you weren't married before, and you were raised in that tradition. but i understand how OP feels.
...See More
sheilajoyce_gw
17 years ago
I agree with the notion that it all depends on who is invited to the rehearsal dinner. If all the out of town guests are invited, she should be too. (Keep in mind that the rehearsal dinner hosts are his parents, so it is their party.) Otherwise, she should not be invited.

I think you need to have a sit down discussion with your fiance. He ought to understand that you have concerns and insecurities, and he should make every effort to avoid making the situation any worse for his bride than it is already. Nevertheless, it's good to see you questioning yourself here too. There needs to be give and take to make for a wonderful wedding for both the bride and groom.
dilly_dally
17 years ago
Go with your instincts. I think there is something else going on with them from what you have posted.
gellchom
17 years ago
There's a problem here, but it isn't the rehearsal dinner.

She is not comfortable with her fiance's relationship with this woman. Either she is overreacting -- in which case that's the problem -- or she is picking up on something real between them (even if there has been no misbehavior) -- in which case that's the problem.

I can't tell which it is, but either way, no answer about "who is supposed to be invited" is going to help. The real problem would be there even if there were no rehearsal dinner at all.

If she's not comfortable with her fiance's emotional and physical fidelity to her, then she ought to be thinking about what to do about the marriage, not the rehearsal dinner.
theroselvr
17 years ago
Gellchom great post.

If it was me, I'd probably put the wedding on hold until I knew for sure what was going on. Although it appears they have remained friends after the breakup, it's an uncomfortable situation for the bride. I don't see what the big deal is that she not go to the wedding either.

Marriage is about give and take, compromise. This marriage doesn't appear to be starting off too well. The OP will always wonder about them, it's not going to go away.

4. She lives on the other side of the country. But my fiance had to spend about 1 month in her city for work, and would meet up with her a lot during this time. After he came back, he slipped up and called me by her name. That was probably the last straw that made me decide: I really don't like this girl.

If it was me, I'd give him a week or 2 to decide who matters in his life. I would feel uncomfortable after that. Who knows if they reconnected, (not necessarily sex) and now wonder about their feelings for each other?

Why is it so important she come?

5. To be fair, he doesn't talk with her much anymore, and he has cut back on talking with her a lot (compared to how much he did before we met)

How do you know? Could he erase text messages?
How about on the computer? IM?
What about gaming?

I'm not there (obviously) but from your post, I don't see how you 2 will be able to spend the rest of your lives together with her hanging over your relationship. Marriage is very hard and something like this makes it even harder.
asolo
17 years ago
You know you can't live with this ongoing thing. Inviting her to the wedding and the dinner is essentially announcing that the "friendship" is OK with everyone and WILL be continuing indefinitely. Obviously this is not OK with you.

Postpone the wedding. If you let this go down like it's about to, you'll be annoyed with it forever. Solve this problem now, not after the wedding. Don't pretend everything will be OK later -- it won't. Marriage typically includes family and friends. If you can't bear it, speak clearly and loudly and now. Risk is, it may be a deal-breaker. If so, allow it to be and thank your lucky stars.
silversword
17 years ago
Ditto Asolo. Postpone the wedding. Don't pretend. Your choice now will have a big impact on your future. If you aren't comfortable, don't do it.

Fiance wants to invite an ex-girlfriend to Wedding

Comments (8)

nancylouise5me

sue36

Related Discussions

sheilajoyce_gw

dilly_dally

gellchom

theroselvr

asolo

silversword

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US