nice to hear that you are doing fine. wow, it does sound that kids are on the wrong path and i agree it is the parents who are to blame. i feel bad for the kids, apparently neither mom nor dad did any proper parenting. and at this point i think you did make a good choice to leave and have your own life.

i wonder how your X feels about losing you and if he has learned any lessons from what happened (in relation to parenting and also in relation to you)? i wonder if you have learned any lessons such as not getting together with guys with kids or anything else?

What did one (or both) parents do that made them so angry? Did his mother cheat? His father as well?

I think my ex was heartbroken about the divorce. But in his head, I think he felt he had to choose his kids over me. He didn't really see that it was about their bad behavior, and his non-reaction to it.

Here's what I learned:

Second marriages with kids end in divorce 70% of the time. it is a daunting undertaking, and the odds are against you.

In order for it to work, the couple must be a united front. If your views on parenting and parental responsibility are different, the marriage is doomed.

The issue of whether the kids or the marriage come first is a red herring. They are equally important, whether the marriage is your first or your fifth.

The parents are the head of house, and have the duty to set up house rules and boundaries. The kids must follow the rules. The Bio parent must be willing to administer consequences to the kids.

Letting your children know that you value them above your spouse is dangerous. It can make them feel pretty entitled.

I could go on, but that is what I learned.

The mother cheated with the General Contractor while she was married and the kids were in camp.

The next summer, after she divorced, she gave away the family do while the kids were at camp, without telling them.

The following year, the eldest daughter who flunked out of 10th grade, was sent away to boarding school. (Once she got away from home, she flourished, and is graduating at the top of her class. It speaks volumes about their home environment.)

The parents seemed to be oblivious to their kids feelings, hence the stepson's crass comment. He feels his mother cares more about herself than her kids.

Newstepmom,
I'm glad you didn't waste any more of your time. You were smart, to bad the parents weren't.
Thank you for the wisdom from your experience. It helps others out there.

Do I understand correctly that you believe that you should care more about your kids than you do about yourself, but you should not care more about your kids than you do about your spouse?

It's okay if you don't understand theotherside, nobody expects you to 'get it'.

newstepmom,
I'm sorry that things didn't work out. It is sad and it's too bad when parents stick their head in the sand when their kids have problems. Thank you for sharing your experiences. The ones that demonized you won't respond to your question because they have their heads stuck in the sand too. They will likely refer to your divorce as proof that second marriages are more likely to fail, without acknowledging the reason you mentioned. I'm glad you point out that it's not the kids' fault, even though it was their behavior which was part of the problem. The ultimate responsibility belongs to the parents because most of the time, the way the children act, is a result of the parenting they receive of their reacting to their parents' problems & conflicts. Good luck to you.

In a functional family, members aren't pitted against each other. I don't think it is healthy to pit your spouse against your children, or children against each other. If you want a family, everyone's needs should be considered.

I'm sorry to hear that it ended but you are right about many of your points...the parents must be a united front. and kids do need guidelines and borders.
I've considered divorcing my husband several times. not because its a bad situation. Mine is not so bad but because i'm seeing him a different light and i just do not like what i see...i cannot change it and at time i feel he holds the entire family back because he procrastinates...but i have a child with him and i do love him and for now i will deal with it on a day to day basis. I have told him i will not tolerate disrespect from anyone..anyone..which includes his kids. If they disrespect me under my home then they will leave. there is no comprimise on my part. He know i've treated them very well and i've never screamed at them, never rude to them. I've treated them with respect. if they cannot reciprocate on that note then the door will open and they will leave. He can go visit them EOW somewhere else. but not in my home.
At this point. My SS and i get along. And also SD when she is in the mood lol..teen years..yay...i'm looking forward to them with my son...not!
anyways...its sad to see that SS took the drug road and its awful to see any child choose a destructive path. But you tried and it didtn' work. Chin up! and look forward to your new future. Dont look back my dear.

Everyone's needs should be considered, but I do not believe that letting your children know that you value them above all else is in any way harmful to them. In fact I think it is essential. The boy is angry at his mother, understandably, because she values him too little. In an intact family, when both parents value their children more than all else, there is no problem. The trouble is that in a blended family, the biological parent may value the children above all else, but does newstepmom value his children above all else? It seems that in the vast majority of cases, the stepparent does not - and I think it would be wrong for a stepparent to value their spouse's children above, or even equal to, their own, unless they have adopted them, in which case they are their own.

It is more of a matter of how you define "needs." I think most people here would agree that, if a child needed an operation to stay alive, and getting him that operation interfered, or even destroyed the spouse's career, the child's needs would come first. Most people would give their child the last piece of bread if everyone were starving. On the other hand, if their spouse is having a heart attack, it is more important to get them to the hospital than to attend the child's play. However, I think it is also critically important to attend to your child's need for unconditional love, for time spent with their parents, and for knowing they will never be rejected.

Few parents would say what organic_maria said about their own minor children:

"If they disrespect me under my home then they will leave. there is no compromise on my part."

Few parents would say what organic_maria said? What about my SD's mom that would call my DH (when they had week on/week off) and tell him to 'come get your daughter, she won't listen to me or she's being a pain in the ass' after four days? Her daughter was 7 and if the child didn't behave as mom expected, she called dad to come get her.

I was going to respond that I would make my child leave too, but he was technically an adult. When he turned 18, he got an attitude that he can do what he wants, which he started to ignore my rules in my house and that was what I consider disrespectful, and yes I would have made him leave. I didn't kick him out, but I sure didn't back down on my house, my rules and he did leave and had to learn for himself that my rules are not that unreasonable and there are rules everywhere he goes. I love him enough to be firm with him but you are right, I would not have sent my minor children away, mainly because I had nowhere to sent them. I guess if it were a situation where I knew they'd be better off with someone else, I would have done what was best for my kids. I do have respect for a parent that admits they can't do a great job so they give the child to someone that can. Those parents are at least putting their child's needs above their own.

I wasn't talking about parents who are too overwhelmed to cope. I was talking about sending your minor (I wouldn't send my adult children away either, but that is a different discussion) child away because he is annoying you by being disrespectful. organic_maria didn't sound overwhelmed; I didn't interpret her post to mean that she thought the children would be better off elsewhere because she was unable to cope - she just doesn't want them around if they aren't "respectful."

I think that Organic_Maria is on the other side of overwhelmed--she's been down that road and back again and that door is now officially closed.

That said, I couldn't send my stepchildren away under any circumstances, but I am ten times blessed to have them. :) However, I could send my husband away.... :/

iamommy it is different with minor children v adults. of course if your adult son or my adult daughter behave horribly it would be approrpiate to suggest they get their own place and create chaos there (although probably not at 18-19, at 18 they usually are enrolled in school and not completely independent). I don't think my adult daughter should be allowed to be obnxious or inconsidered to my SO or her dad's SO (not like she is, but what if) .

But you have to agree that if your minor children behave awfully, you would not send them away and would still kepp them. Right? But why is it OK to kick out stepkids if they misbehave? Why is it different? kids are kids.

In a blended family, there are options that simply don't exist in most intact families. If Mom and Dad are still married to each other and one of the kids start acting up, there simply isn't another parent in another home offering the appearance of an easy answer. You simply have to work it out. If Mom and Dad are still married to each other and Junior backtalks Mom, Mom can't just point a finger at Dad's new wife and blame her for trash talking. Similarly, Dad can't blame disobedience and disrespect on any other parent's choices -- it all comes back home.

While I won't say there aren't more genuine stressors that come with blended families, there are also a whole lot more convenient excuses for poor parenting.

agree! my SO ocassionally says in anger that younger SD is doing this or that because of her mom doing crappy job. it always gets me mad and him saying: why i always defend his exwife? ha. I just think it is ridiculous to blame the other parent unless of course there is abuse and neglect issue.

"Few parents would say what organic_maria said about their own minor children:

"If they disrespect me under my home then they will leave. there is no compromise on my part.""

I not only WOULD say what OrganicMaria says to my own kid, I DID say it and at 20 yr.s old I told him he had two choices:

1. Leave, get his own place.
2. Go to Alabama and work FULL TIME & have his tuition paid in full if he kept his GPA a 3.0 or higher, period.

He took the second option and is doing beautifully the pasy yr & half.

Do I expect the same of my DH, um Yes, but it's not going to hapen because he cannot & will not set any boundaries with his adult kids, and they plainly know they will always get there way even in my home. Do I blame them? Not so much, I blame DH. I agree it gives kids (step or bio) a scary sense of entitlement when they know their parents will put their needs-even the need for a new car or motorcycle rather than paying their bills- no matter how detrimental it is to their spouse and marriage.

If you are in a true working marriage you put your marriage first and together do what's best for children so they can be happy, safe and grow up to be independant self sufficient adults. What I have learned is rarely are couples in blended families on the same page regarding kids and it ends up causing boatloads of resentment and miscommunication all the way around.

I love my DH dearly but would NEVER do this again, and hope the OP can get on with her life and now at least she can have some peace and and know she has her home to herself without all the constant chaos...I'm so sorry your marriage didn't work ut happy for you that you were able to move on and get your life the way you need it to be.

JMHO.

Forget sending the kids away. Or the stepkids. Or even the husband!

What I really would like to do every so often is send ME away...preferably somewhere on a beach...with a pina colada...room service..a good book...no distractions.

I think I need a vacation

TOS, you let your kids and your ex husband know that you valued your children above your spouse. WHERE DID IT GET YOU? DIVORCED. GEE, DOESN'T SEEM TO BE SUCH A GREAT STRATEGY.

I WILL ASK YOU AGAIN,PLEASE REFRAIN FROM POSTING ON MY THREAD.

I know that my parents loved me, but I do not recall them ever saying that they loved me more than they loved eachother?? Whats the point of saying that???

I love my dd and my dh. I love them in different ways. You can not love a spouse in the same way you love a child. They are different types of love that are both special.

My parents both loved me and their spouses. My father never told me that I was more important to him than my stepmom and my mother never told me I was more important than my stepfather. Both sets taught me right from wrong and stood united when I was misbehaving, which was not all that often. I would have never thought of pitting them against eachother.

I think that if you treat your spouse and children all well then this issue will never come up. Its only when you act as if you favor one over the other that this will become a problem.

"TOS, you let your kids and your ex husband know that you valued your children above your spouse."

Of course I value my kids above everything and everyone. My exH valued them above all else as well. I wouldn't want it any other way. There is no reason to discuss it on a daily basis, or ever for that matter - it is not like one wakes up every morning and says, "Don't forget that I value you more than I do your father."

After my H left, but before I found out about the affair, he came up with several "reasons" why he had left - but putting our kids first was NOT one of them. It was NOT a problem, because he put them first as well.

BTW, my previous response was directed toward ima, in response to her post, and referred to something organic_maria had said in her post.

If a father is putting his children first, he would be setting a good example for them by not cheating on their mother. He would make every attempt to keep their family intact. He would want them to feel stable, secure, & loved by him. He wouldn't teach them betrayal. He would teach them honesty, integrity, & loyalty. Your X didn't put your children first if he was out pursuing other women. I think it is one thing to get divorced but to have your children deal with a divorce & another woman & seeing their mom devastated is selfish & disgusting.

"After my H left, but before I found out about the affair, he came up with several "reasons" why he had left - but putting our kids first was NOT one of them. It was NOT a problem, because he put them first as well."

I guess since he is so HONEST with you (which is why you didn't know about the affair until after he left) that you can believe him when he tells you it was not a problem. I'm sure he didn't feel ignored. I'm sure that had nothing to do with his affair. And I can see how he put his children first the way you do. I can see that in his choice to marry a woman and allow her to keep your kids away from him and I can tell how devoted he is by his willingness to pay the support they need and deserve.

I agree that it was selfish. That is why I used the past tense when I said he valued them, and the present tense when I said that I value them. Up until his affair, he did.

He am absolutely certain he would have told me that it was a problem if that were the case. He was desperately trying to come up with "reasons," some of which were pretty far-fetched. It would have been really stupid of him not to have used that as a reason had there been even a grain of truth in it, and, for all his faults, one thing he was not was stupid.

I can not imagine sending a child away for "disprespect" I agree, most parents would not. It is one thing to send a child to a residential program, where a child has a substance abuse, OCD, etc. and the program is for his good, along with other children in the household. I think some people here ended up in not good situations, and then generalize with overreaching conclusins.

Typo - "He am" should be "I am" in my most recent post.

TOS, i'm not annoyed with sd. I dont send kids out when annoyed. I send them out when they are abusive towards a little baby. Like teachign them to slap in the face.
Or do you also disagree when my little 10 month old was pushed into a wall that , that is acceptable for any 10 year old to do ???
You need serious counceling if you think i'm going to tolerate any child being physically abused under my roof. My sk/s are old enough to understand. Like i said there is ups and downs.
ITs the fact that their core family at home is disfunctional that when they come to visit a 'normal ' loving home they get resentful. I understand that. But i will not tolerate my son being treated in that manner.
I know my SK love their brother. But at times they dont realize what they do. Not completely.
Well it took one time only telling them to leave that this behaviour was corrected. And yes, my SK do love me. At times i am overwhelmed and angry I have the right to be angry. I am human. And yes i also get very angry at my son as well.
There was no comprimise in this situation and their father did speak to them but they've been taught not to respect him and not to listen to him. So he agreed that night for them to go back home. We had to protect our baby from physical violence that night.

I have noticed this a lot on this board. Someone says something like "If they disrespect me under my home then they will leave. there is no comprimise on my part." Someone else (like for instance, I) disagree or say that is the wrong thing to do. The poster then says something like "I send them out when they are abusive towards a little baby," which is not at all the same thing as being disrespectful toward the SM, and has absolutely nothing to do with the first post.

I wonder what your husband would have done if there hadn't been anywhere to "send" his child. Would he have called the police on his ten year old? Made him sleep in the street?

Yes, TOS, I see that too. Physical abuse is one thing, "disrespect" covers a wide range of behaivor.

Well TOS, remember what you said about visitation:
you can not make a parent exercise their visitation!

So if you can't make someone exercise visitation you sure can't keep them from returning the child early for whatever reason! Right??

I am just following the logic of your other posts.....

If they have visitation, rather than shared parenting, you may not be able to prevent them from returning the child early if and only if someone is at home to accept them. It is illegal for anyone to drop off a young child at home or anywhere else where there is not a caregiver.

It doesn't really matter if you call it shared parenting or visitation, you can't return a child to an empty house EITHER way. and EITHER way, you can return the child early to the other parent if you can't continue the weekend for various reasons. Obviously, if the other parent isn't home or has plans (or is hiding out so the child can't be returned) then the person can't bring the child back. I can't imagine a parent saying 'nope, it's your weekend and you can't bring the kids back to me early' but I suppose it happens. I can't imagine any parent not wanting their kids with them and when they argue over who has to take the kids so they can have their 'alone' time, I think it's sad for the kids. I love my alone time too, but I've never pawned my kid on anyone to get it. I'm not knocking those that feel different, that's just my point of view.

I don't think you can bring the child to the other parent without their permission when it is your parenting time. I can think of a lot of valid reasons why they might not be available, such as having committed to working that day.

Whem bm lived in state she would blow off visitations without so much as a phone call and other times she would pick the kids up and show up on our doorstep the next day to return them because she had to go to work. Though she did not prearrange for the early return...just expected us to accommodate her. Just like the time she showed up on our doorstep ringing the doorbell at the crack of dawn because she needed her kids! She was going to look at an apartment and said the landlord wanted to meet her kids?? Funny that a landlord wants to meet kids that will be there once a month?? And funny how she could not call the night before to make arrangements with us!

I really think she was taking the kids to a food stamp/ cash assistance meeting with the state to try to make it look like she had them so she could get benefits! They said they never saw an apartment, just sat in an office that day!

Many of those times when bm dropped them off early my dh was at work and my son was with his dad (he goes to his dad eow). I wanted to say nope...this is your parenting time and dh is not here. I have plans! But couldn't do that, did not want to make the kids feel as if I did not want them around. So I just sucked it up and dealt with it. After a few times of this though I decided to call her work and found out she was not even working on a day she dropped the kids off so she could "go to work". GRRRRR....

But hey sm's are just babysitters right??

I read a report that most first marriages fail because of fighting over money. Second marriages fail because of children and it sure seems to be true. I stuck with my marriage, but my steps were not the problem most stepparents have. They respected me to my face, their father would have not let them be rude to me. One sent a holiday greeting card to him alone. He said I am ashamed to show you this. He told his daughter, "don't ever do that again". Our problem was money, they thought we should give, give, give. The steps broke their mother, but I would have not allowed that to happen to us. When they stopped paying it back, the loans stopped. I'm sure they hated me for that, but never showed it in front of their Dad.

Yes, maybe my marriage fell apart over money. My X makes so much his new GF chased him constantly.

Is that his ONLY good quality? His money?

KKNY-It wouldn't have been the money that ended your marriage, it would have been a cheating man who didn't respect his marriage vows. That's like saying an attractive woman's marriage fell apart because she had men wanting her all the time. It wouldn't be her looks that destroyed her marriage.

No, Ima, he has other good qualities. But I sincerely doubt without the money, the big car, the big house she would have chased him.

just to follow up on a few posts earlier, the bm has said many, many, many times not to bring daughter home. Im busy, Im cooking, Im doing something. She has left her w/o even a phone call for 4 days before. And then acts like mom of the year when something comes up and we cant have vis. one weekend. So yeah, I dont get why a mom would get mad when she has to spend time w/her kids. I have all of mine all of the time!!!! And wouldnt trade it for the world.

the fact that you have your kids with you ALL the time does not mean that other women shouldn't have fathers of their children to be involved and raise children as well. By this logic if some children unfortunatelly have deadbeat fathers i had to make sure my DD's father abandoned her too. Of course if a woman is widow (I don't know if you are), it is a different story, you cannot change that. But your SD's BM is not a widow, right? So why does she have to have a kid with her ALL the time instead of sharing that time with the father?

Spoke to my Dh about your question. ANd the answer is........YES...TADA!!! A logical answer from a concerned father of a baby and his disfunction child raised 96% by biomom , aka pot mom!
Yes he would phone the cops on his child in an instant and he would call his mother who lives 1 1/2 half away to go pick him up.
But you see because my DH and i are on the same page about behaviour and not tolerating certain behaviours under our home this ugly situtation last year turned around very quickly.
SS no longer takes out his anger on my son, aka his brother and SD has learned not to play games or lie or talk back or anything. In fact she is expressing dislike for both parents and keeps a distance from me but with sadness. I truly feel bad for these kids.
I told my dh to take 50% custody the day i met him. But he wont. And now after 7 years its a little too late. The damage is done. I can't change his mind. Alli know is to butt out now and let the pieces fall. I will only intervene when i have disrespect towards me and disrespect towards my son.
And no KKny and Tos, abuse is not used as an excuse for disrespect...its FOLLOWS it afterwards. Cause once they hit the disrespect level towards another human being, it doesn't take long for it to turn violent and physical.
ANd to give you an example, my next door neighbour just threw out her 13 years old daughter out of her house. Because she was at her end rope iwth her. SEx drugs, talking back and then it finally turned violent to the other children. She has one child of her own and 5 adopted kids. Guess what, the 13 years old was thrown out to save the others from her abusive nature.
Just stop picking lines out of peoples postings and twisting them.
You two have shown such manipulation at times and you are standing proof of a human being who is miserable and having nothing good to offer in this world.
I'm sure you have tons of friends eh? Get over your pasts and move on.
People like me have seen quite alot. And i am a stepchild as well. Am i the evil person cause i'm a stepmom too. EH?.
L:Ol , well i'm happy knowing im a fully balanced person who demands respect and i'm not a rag doll to anyone. Including my family and kids. I've survived many things over the years and i know fully well where i stand as a human being , as a mother, as a stepmother and as a stepchild. Those are my titles, I wear them well and i'm proud.
I do not make people miserable.
And as for kids being sent out of a home, its done usually for good solid reasons. If his SD spoke rude to me, i would tell her off myself and let her dad then give punishment.
But my SD has learned i wont stand for it and so has my SS. Kids needs boundaries. Do they hate me? NOPE. Its the opposite. My SK do love me. They just wish they're parents got along and now my SS told my DH '
' mommy always talks about you badly and says bad things about maria too. I dont like it daddy, i want her to stop saying bad things. they're not true. make ehr stop! you never talk about mommy at all."
Now what do you say to a child after this? Even SD was visibly shaken.
Yes my DH is not the greatest father, he procrastinates and is lazy. That doesn't mean he doens' tlove his kids. He's a typical male! human male! I find woman have more insight into things like this.
I've noticed a change in SD. She has refocused her energy and anger towards school and friends. Advice i give her all the time. And i'm pround she is doing that.
I dont hate my Stepkids. I do care for them. what i dont like is the loser biomom and also the lack of communication between my dh and her. But you can't speak to her. SHe's a nut!

I was out of town this weekend (my sister had a baby on Friday) and am catching up on the board... Skimming over posts of the past four days or so.

Anyhow, about "sending kids away"... Even though he loves him, FDH finds A__ really overwhelming - which is understandable, A__ is overwhelming. So, before I came along, when A__ was out of hand, FDH would say "Uargh! You're being so bad, I'm going to call your mom and tell her to come get you right now!" While it was obvious to me that this approach to bad behavior wasn't working, FDH didn't understand why A__ went back and forth between weirdly clingy and wildly out-of-hand.
I talked to FDH about that it would probably be better to say "You're behaving badly. Calm down/stop that/be quiet/apologize etc, or you can go to the other room for a time out/won't get a treat later/we won't go to the park/you'll be going to bed early/etc" than to call him a brat and send him away. He took my advice. A__ still has a few clingy moments and plenty of out-of-hand moments, but he appears to be more secure with and more trusting of his dad.

I see that there could be times when sending a kid to his or her other parent's for a bit might be a good choice, but using it as a day to day threat is, IMO, a terrible system. I think that being sent away makes kids feel disposable and insecure. Since, for the most part, emotionally secure kids don't act out, I think it's important to make kids feel secure in their families... If the safety of other family members was in jeopardy, I might consider it, but things have been better for us since I got FDH to stop threatening to send A__ away for bad behavior.

so where did 13-year-old girl go after being thrown out?

I'd like to know where the 13 yr old went as well OrganicMaria.

In most kids that age, that kind of acting out came from somewhere. Sexual abuse/molestation come to mind right off the bat. Or mental illness.

So, at 13 the girl is acting out from past abuse or a mental illness but instead of given help she "thrown out."

Nice job parents.

Where I was raised, a parent throwing a 13 year old out, whatever the reason, would be charged with child abuse.

Who is the adult and who is the child?

Hard to believe that anyone would recommend throwing out a 13 year old.

there is an article in a Newsweek this week about bipolar children. Extremelly difficult behavior to deal with in young children. But parents although were devastated did not throw kids on the streets but look for treatment and help for their children. And frankly parents throwing children out need to be charged with abuse. I would like to know who is that neighbour.