I'm with you Gigglemonster --

If there were no marriage plans before, I'd suspect Dad was trying to "Buy the kids a new mom" and the 16 y.o. was too savvy to fall for it. Bad move Dad.

My sister died two years ago of cervical cancer at the age of 36. Her husband was dating again within two months, and remarried within a year. Their three kids are not accepting at all of their stepmom, and the two older ones, both teens , moved out of dad's house and in with gramma, in anger.

I think it was thoughtless, selfish, and irresponsible of my former brother in law. I dont begrudge him the right to fall in love and be happy again, but he does have kids to think about. They needed time to grieve for their mom and adjust, before having a new woman thrust on them.

I agree that it was incredibly irresponsible and cruel to the children. Being naturally cynical, my first thought was also whether the father could have had anything to do with the tragic accident. Did the mother have an insurance policy, with him as beneficiary (or the children, if he would benefit)?

tos, not to my knowledge. I don't think he had anything to do with the accident either.

TOW/SM was the one who posted. She was more concerned that the kids put a hamper on their lifestyle and the 16 year old was disrespectful and a handful in her opinion. It was clear that Dad left everything up to her in regards to the kids. That is what lead me to believe that was the only reason why Dad married her -- so he didn't have to take care of the kids.

My heart goes out for those girls. No way should he have done that. The Dad should have really involved family members(Grandmas, Aunties, cousins, & church family) into his girl's lives at such a horrible time.
I'd be curious to know what Serenity has to say on this one. Wasn't she in a similar situation? I'm sure Mother's Day is especially difficult. Some people are totally selfish. I hope this woman would take the advice to seek a grief counselor so she can help these children. That should be her only role at this time is offering resources or a shoulder to cry on. Could you imagine how the 16 yo girl would feel if this woman tried to discipline a younger sibling? Yikes!

TOW/SM was the one who posted. She was more concerned that the kids put a hamper on their lifestyle and the 16 year old was disrespectful and a handful in her opinion.

Well, regardless of whether or not it was "healthy" or "ok" for the dad to remarry that quickly (i'd argue it was way too much change to dump on the kids in too short of a time frame-- and while i'd also say it depends on the specifics of the situation and the people involved, if the daughter is having a hard time dealing with it, that in itself suggests it's too much too soon), and regardless of the dad's reasons for the marriage, it's just plain stupid to think that 1) children will not put a hamper on your lifestyle, or 2) that a sixteen-year-old --or anyone-- who in rapid succession is dealing with her parents' divorce, her mother's death, a new living situation, and a new stepmother, is likely to be anything other than "difficult". (or for that matter that any sixteen year old will not be difficult-- yes i know there are teens that are easy to parent, but difficult is pretty common and something you really ought to expect from teens, even without all the extenuating circumstances). TOW/SM might benefit from both empathy and just plain common sense.

My opinion may be especially harsh, but I don't think the father should have married TOW while the children were still under his roof. Period.

There father dumped their mother for this woman and then, when their mother dies, he expects them to live under the same roof with her? I hope the 16 year old gives them both hell. The father must be an idiot. They've lost their family (as they knew it), then they completely lose their mother, and the father thinks he is going to neatly drop the adultress into the "mother" slot?

father is just being selfish and inconsiderate. I feel for the poor children.

"and the father thinks he is going to neatly drop the adultress into the "mother" slot?"

Well said Sue36 --

Thank you all. I am still incredibly surprised at the amount of posters over there that were just focused on Dad and TOW/SM's happiness. The kids were just there.

2 threads within a week where everybody agrees?

Wow!

I once sold a house for a family in which the mother had had cancer;
they lost their "big" house due to medical bills & bought a smaller one.

Mom was in remission when they bought the house but the cancer returned, & she died.

Within a few months, her husband married his late wife's best friend.

who decided that the house was just waay too small for her furniture, & the kitchen was 'ridiculous'.

Well, really, they did need more bedrooms;
the new wife's teen-aged son slept in the living room...

& so they sold the house & moved into one the new wife selected.

The 16 year old daughter got pregnant very soon thereafter.

I felt so sorry for her;

she lost her home, then she lost her mother, then her new home was invaded by a triumphant & gleeful witch & a teen-aged boy, then she lost that home, the last home her mother had had, & while all this was going on, she lost her father to his new wife.

I am amazed that so many people on another forum thought this was okay!! I can not imagine marrying my dh if we had not been together long and his ex had recently died. And if I would have been TOW that would make it even worse!

I think it was incredibly selfish of the dad to marry so quickly after the kids lost their mom and moved in with him. And what was the woman thinking who married him and took over raising his kids? Did she think it was going to be like using a computer, delet ex wife and insert new one and then press enter??

If you don't mind me asking, what forum was it? I am curious to read other posts on there.

mom2emall,

I am amazed as well, that is why I wanted to see your guys responses. I would give you a link, but it is my board and has a lot of personal info about me that I kind of don't want to share with everyone on here at this time.

Of course TOW/SM did not state right away that she was dating Dad while he was still married to Mom, so maybe that is where a lot of posters missed the mark. But I'm still shocked at the attitudes that parents happiness should come at the expense of the child.

How unforgivably insensitive can a man be to his own children? I think ole' boy here takes the cake. Unreal. So he waits for the kids mom to DIE and then marries the TOW? I can't even imagine the emotions those kids must be feeling. Again, proof that just because you can have a child doesn't mean you are a good parent or capable of making responsible decisions in their interest.

This man needs the "snip snip" before he bears more offspring......

"I'd be curious to know what Serenity has to say on this one. Wasn't she in a similar situation?"

I'm not sure about Serenity, but mine was vaguely similar.
My mom died when I was 16. My dad started seeing a friend of the family within a few weeks. It was a little strange, sure... But my mom had told me that she wanted my dad "to move on and not spend his days grieving for me. He has so much love to give that he deserves to be happy with someone, and if that can't be me, I hope he finds love with someone new. You dad also isn't very good at taking care of himself, so I hope whoever he finds loves him and takes good care of him" (I'm crying as I recall this conversation, almost exactly word for word) so I didn't resent that he had moved on. I know my dad, and know that he's NOT okay on his own. I didn't feel that he was betraying my mom at all, but was occasionally frustrated with that he often went to his GF's house before he saw me when he got into town from the road (he trucks).
He split up with that girlfriend and started seeing my SM a year or so after my mom died, and was married about 8 months later. My SM is great though, and even when we butted heads from time to time, I still knew she was a good person who loved my dad.

It's not quite the same, because my parents had a wonderful marriage and my dad loved my mom through her illness, and my SM was not TOW... But even at 16 when Mom died and 18 when Dad remarried, I understood that my dad had emotional needs beyond what his grown (or nearly grown in my case) children could provide for him and I wanted him to be happy. I was a very independent and self-reliant 16 yo, as well as that I was the youngest, and so on.
But I don't think it's inherently wrong to date or marry right away after a divorce or death, even if you have kids.

In this case, it sounds pretty inconsiderate, and like he was looking for a new mom for his kids, and is being a jerk... But I still don't think it's wrong in all cases.

it might not be inherently wrong but it is just rather disrespectful. people do have to go through stages of grieving and such a short time does not sound OK to me. IMHO (which I understand might differ from others') there are things that are inappropriate or not classy, such as getting involved right after the death of your spouse. even if you just got divorced, children still grieve over their mother/father, marrying someone esle right away is just rude. even if the person feels like he/she is ready to do whatever, there are feelings of others to consider. what feels good for you, is not always OK with everyone else.

sorry, kathilne for the loss of your sister. and i feel bad for your nieces or nephews that on top of dealing with the loss of their mother they had to deal with father's selfishness.

I remember being a ttenager when my grandfather suddenly died of meningitis within a week and my grandmother was only 60 and very young looking. I remember how heart broken and devastated she was. i could not imagine under what circumstances she would start dating right away and yes, there were men interested. and no she was not old fashioned. but she sure grieved over her husband.

don't people feel sadness when their spouses die? wouldn't that pain prevent them from seeing someone else? and who wants to go out wiht people who just lost their spouses? oh boy I don't understand anything about this world anymore.

I have seen people grieve for a spouse by trying to get close with another person. They miss that physical presence and try to console themselves by slipping someone else into that slot. It maybe wrong but I guess it is like a rebound relationship. It helps ease their pain to not be alone. Not saying it is right but just offering an explanation for it.

certainly it is understandable that eferyone grieves differently..but com'n, it does not mean one should get married, it is prefectly fine without marriage. and even then, I mean can you see someone after 20-30-40 years of a good marriage dating seeing someone else in a record short period of time? it makes their marriage sound very trivial. and it is kind of disrespectful to a new person. " i am grieiving and lonely, come to me, baby". no, thank you very much.

FD - No one ever said it was RIGHT in every circumstance either, or right for YOU.
I'm just saying that my dad started seeing his exGF very shortly after my mom died, and no one really held it against him. Everyone who knew my mom knew how much my dad loved her and saw how lost he was without her. If you saw him sobbing how he was and holding my sister and I so tight that she finally said "Dad, we can't breathe" you wouldn't think their marriage was trivial.
He had his own reasons for getting involved with someone right away. There is no black and white here. No right or wrong.
My mom was sick for three years, and dying for six months. My dad had never been on his own - he and my mom got together at at 16 and 18. We were all grown or nearly grown. My mom wanted him to find someone to love.
In this case, I think it's OK.
Someone with several young kids, who loses their spouse suddenly may be in a different situation.
Someone who has left for TOW and uses his exW's death as an 'excuse' to get married may be in a different situation.
Remember how we're trying not to make generalizations and paint everyone with the same brush? This is an extremely case-specific issue.

That recently after their mother's death the father's focus should have been on his children, not his . . . . well, you know what I'm thinking. If nothing else, they could have discreetly seen each other for a while while dad cared for his kids, but marriage? Ouch.

My opinion
1. Dad remarried so he wouldnt' have the responsibility of taking care of his kids. Bad on his side just alone for that. OR he thought it would be better for them to have a mother figure and dad in the pic. BUT bad point again because he didn't let his children mourne the loss of their mother. Hence the rejection of the woman or any woman who would have been in the pic. Even if she wasn't TOW , this person would have been in a bind. And would still have problems with the older child. Being in the teen years and knowing how to express their feelings.
2. The other woman : is an idiot to not see this. There was no plans for a wedding before the biomom died so its quite obvious. SHe should have said we will wait on the marriage until you settle in with your children and they mourne the loss of their mother. From that perspective alone she should have also held back
3. THey are both to blame for rushing in.
4. THe teen although has a right to his or her feelings but there is a thing called respect. He or she is under the fathers house and lives there. He or she doesn't have to act disrespectful. He or she has to realize that is was the fathers decision to marry and that regardless of how he or she feels towards the SM, she is the adult, taking care of them and is human.
I do understand where he feels she deserves no respect considering she was the other woman. If i was him or her...i would consider living at an aunts house or grandparents. Knowing full well who she is i would not live under this roof. BUt i would be civil towards her for the sake of my younger siblings.
5. The SM now has to realize all the kids are mourning and she will have to have the patience to deal with them all. She put herself in this situation and shouldn't whine about now.
6. THey need family counciling.
My father moved in a woman after 3 months after my mothers death as well. He thought it was a mothers job and he needed to get one for us.
WE turned around after 6 months and told him no one will replace our mother, find a woman who you will love and care for you. And who we can be friends with. After that family talk he moved the woman out with her kids and started to date other woman until he found the right one for him.Not for us.

exactly. focus on children or other family members. family comes first. even at my age now i would need my father to be there if something happens to my mother, not chasing skirts. oh well i better get out of this thread. it kind of makes me sick.