In love and nervous

16 years ago

I new to this so here goes. I am having mixed feelings about a man I'm seeing and his daughter. His daughter is 9 and he has sole custody (mom died 2.5 years ago). I'm 49 years old (he's 44), and my kids are 20 and 23. He wants me to be Mom and I'm feeling nervous and unsure. My guy gives into his little girl alot (mainly by buying her things) and she seems a little spoiled. Not sure I'm ready to raise his girl, and unsure if i'm up to the task (spent 10 years raising my 2 by myself).

Do you have any suggestions?

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Comments (6)

bunglogrl
16 years ago
It is only natural to feel nervous and unsure. Take it slow. Do some weekend activities as a *family* and see how you (and she) feel about it six months from now.

As you know from reading this forum, being a step mom is a thankless task, even with SK's who aren't spoiled or mourning a terrible loss. Ask a lot of questions, of him and yourself, so you'll know what to expect before you dive in. Just a few off the top of my head, they may seem petty now but I hit a petty stage at about middle school age :-)

Is his daughter ready to accept a new Mom?

Do you have the same parenting style? (Spanking vs time outs, yes ma'am vs uh huh)

Who takes care of the drudgery? Household chores, rides to/from school, tennis, movies, girl scouts, parent teacher conferences ... it gets to be a drag if dad decides it's your job and only your job.

Do you want to raise a child until you're 59 years old?

Are your children living on their own and self-sufficient? Do they get along with their potential step dad? My SK issues are more stressful and co$tly at 19 and 23 than they were at 9 and 13!

My first thought when I read your post was that I wouldn't have the energy to start over again. Especially since you did it alone for 10 years. I'd be looking for some rest and relaxation.

This is a great site, though, with lots of loving, kind stepmoms. I'll admit I was pretty hands-off. I'm sure you'll get some good advice. (as opposed to a list of questions from an insomniac, LOL)
rspiegel
Original Author
16 years ago
Thanks for the good advice bunglogrl, I appreciate it very much!
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vistajpdf
16 years ago
bunglogrl gave some great points to consider. I think you need your bf on your side and the two of you need to be a united front. The young lady needs to show respect to you and know, VERY EARLY ON, that anything less than that won't be acceptable.

I'm so sorry about her mother's death. It may complicate matters at times, but it will also be different from many of the SMs' stories here in that most of us have the chief complaint of biomom poisoning the children's minds. Trying to undo what BM does is an uphill battle, plus some BMs view any civility towards the SM as being disloyal to her, so the children are very conflicted. This results in bad behavior, testing boundaries, seeing who dad will side w/ etc.

If you decide this isn't for you, please let your bf know as early as possible. The girl may grow fond of you - it could happen - and I'd hate to see her lose another mother figure. And, her father may miss an opportunity to meet someone that feels this is her calling.

I have a friend right now involved w/ a woman w/ a handicapped son. He's being very realistic about the boy as he will never be independent. He said, "I've raised my own son and now I'm looking at a lifetime w/ this boy. I'm not sure if I'm ready for this, but I'm crazy about the kid and his mom. Isn't it terrible that I worry about being burdened w/ that sweet kid for life?"

I said, "No, you're being honest and you need to figure this out as quickly as you can. If it's not in you to see this through for life, you're doing a disservice to BOTH of them by prolonging the inevitable..." I don't know which way he'll go...

Good luck,
Dana
rspiegel
Original Author
16 years ago
Thanks, Dana! I appreciate the sound advice. I am clear that I need to figure this out as soon as possible, and love this man and care for his daughter for what's best for them and me. This website has been helpful and I'm looking forward to learning more from those with more experience about steps. This little girl deserves the right person, and I want to be sure that Im it.
proserpina
16 years ago
rspiegel, being a motherless daughter myself, I hope to be able to give some insight (I am now a step-mom as well but out of divorce).

While I was more open to the idea of my father finding someone, my sister objected to EVERYONE no matter what by making EVERYONE'S life miserable (only now is she beginning to accept our step-mother), and my brother just steered clear of everything and everyone. I think what needs to be clear in the father's mind is that you will become the girl's mother only if she wants it, if not the best approach would be to simply be a female presence in her life. I know I greatly appreciated it...

One mistake ALL but my step-mom made was to try to buy us. We got a ton of presents out of it (not that my dad was a dating machine, he was simply a widower for many years and women just seem to LOVE him); my sister rejected all the gifts while I accepted both mine and hers (shame on me)! Different reactions to a behavior we both saw through.

The other thing that happens is that, if all was good pre-death, the image of the mother will get more and more perfect... so it might get difficult at times for dad's new love.

The biggest thing that helped me as a child and that has helped me now with my step-children is open communication between me and the children but more importantly between me and my husband (as my dad was and is with his wife). Problems come up when things are not said and thus misinterpreted or just amplified. But that goes with any relationship, I suppose.

I think having a step-parent can be a really good thing, especially after years of having one parent: sometimes, without a sounding-board/partner, they go for the deep end and don't quite know left from right; at least that was the case for my dad (no offense to single parents; I have much respect and admiration for the category)! I cherish and value my step-mom; as much as she may drive me crazy sometimes, I do go to her to make sure that my father hears something that I have already told him. She is a good friend to me...

My husband wanted me to be the mom to his children in our family... but they already have a mom! Granted, I have taken on many of the responsibilities that would fall on a mother when the children are with us, but I also recognize that their "mom spot" in their heart is already occupied. Still, I am very happy that they have been able to create a "step-mom" spot for me! :o)

Best of luck. I think dads are pretty cool guys to marry. :o)

...uhm, and by that, I mean unmarried dads!!!
annebel
16 years ago
I TOTALLY agree with proserpina! To be honest, when my wonderful father-of-three and I started dating, I had absolutely no shut-off valve. I asked EVERY question that popped into my head. If I wondered about it I asked it. Everything from 'how do you feel about convertible car seats' to 'you DO have kids with this woman and at some point don't you think you'll want to be a family again?' And I have to admit...I totally lucked out. He has no problems with me wanting their snacks to be goldfish or string cheese when BM would give them ice cream or snickers. I can fix a vegetable every night and occasionally splurge on pizza while BM LIVES at mcdonalds. I truly have the most supportive, hard-working, loving father-or-three living with me! So give your BF a chance! Ask your questions, respect the fact that losing your mother is horiffic at 70, let alone 6, and give everything a chance...fate may surprise you!!! best of luck...

In love and nervous

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bunglogrl

rspiegel
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In love and nervous

Comments (6)

bunglogrl

rspiegelOriginal Author

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proserpina

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rspiegel
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