Have you tried any professional counseling?

I would ask him to move out while everyone attends counseling. The kids should feel comfortable in their home, BF as well. But imo, kids come first before the boyfriend.

Good luck.

I think counseling may help.

Also, maybe if you let him be the nice/fun guy the kids would begin liking him. Maybe plan some fun outings with the kids (picnic at a park, bike ride together, etc) and give him the credit for it. Also make sure you getting enough alone time with the kids. Many times kids resent the bf/gf because they no longer get much time alone with their parent.

Start some fun traditions together including your bf. For instance, my stepkids and son love our movie nite. We try to do it once every two weeks. We put on pj's and find a movie on t.v. or watch one we have. We eat popcorn and drink soda. Its fun. I have also made fake movie tickets and suprised them with movie night on a night they were not expecting it.

We have also done silly things like baking a cake for no reason and calling the kids into the kitchen to put on party hats and eating cake together. They loved the sillyness (and they are between the ages of 5-13).

My dh scored big points with my son just by playing his favorite board games with him when we were dating
(and of course he still does it). And by initiating "stay up as late as you want night" on Fridays. The kids are usually tired from getting up for school so they don't stay up ridiculously late but they think its the coolest thing ever!

These are just some things that worked for me and dh with getting eachothers children to have fun with us. Good luck to you and keep us posted.

The first thing you have to do, is talk with your bf, about your parenting ideas, and what you believe is appropriate in regard to discipline. Then, you need to ask him to back out of parenting your children, and allow to assume full responsibility over the children again. You need to make that you and your bf are on the same page when it comes to expectations for each member of your household. If you can peacefully come to an understanding that you are both happy with, then perhaps you could both sit down with the kids, and explain what is going on. Tell the truth, you made a mistake, you are sorry, and here is what you plan to do, to make it right. Ask your son, if he can work with you, and make an effort to all get along and live happily together. Ultimately, because of his age, your son has no REAL choice, only you and his father do. However, a gentler approach may get your son more likely to cooperate.

Should you find that you and your bf, are not on the same page, or even in the same book regarding your expectations, ask the bf to move out. Your first priority at this point has to be the children, and what is in their best interests.

Giving a boyfriend the reins for discipline? I have to say ARE YOU CRAZY???? Ok, I see that you said you screwed up but I had to say that.

The only options you have are:

**Boyfriend should leave. I agree with giggle that counseling needed if he's to return. (I'd also add parenting classes for both of you)
**Let your kid go live with dad. (still recommend parenting class for you)
**If he stays and you don't let kid move with dad, get you and BF into a parenting class ASAP, counseling, and YOU take over dealing with your kids 100%. Tell him he isn't to tell them ANYTHING. He is not to deal with them at all until you get all this resolved in counseling. Your kids need to feel safe and that's your first priority.

I don't see much hope for your relationship with this guy. If you've already told him to lay off and there are still problems, is he not laying off? Is he willing to let you take over again? It doesn't matter how much you LOVE him. He's shown you the kind of person he is (or can be) if he's gotten your kids to the point that your kids hate him so much they don't want to live with you anymore and won't visit you if he is there. That's pretty bad. There might be a chance if he's willing to step back and admit it was wrong to take that route and 'start over'. If he apologizes and the two of you work together to make it right, then maybe the kids will be more accepting of him. He needs to build a relationship with them, not jump into the role of 'fixing them' and I've said it before, there are men out there that think they are going to come in and fix these kids you screwed up. So, if that's the case, he may not think much of your parenting skills if he thinks he has to fix what you've done so far. It's normal to make new rules when you are blending a family, but there's a difference between 'blending' rules which are slight changes or variations of the previous rules so they fit the new situation, and 'laying down the law' and making up new, strict rules and saying 'my way or the highway'. Well, it seems your kids have chosen the highway if that's the case.

This is just my opinion and take from it what you like. Good luck. and whether you stay with him or not, take a parenting class. A good (single) parenting class will discuss how to date and introduce someone to your children.

hbcm, my advice? I would talk to your boyfriend and let him know there's trouble brewing. Then I would ask him for his help - specifically, ask him to go and have a heart to heart with your children (your boyfriend should show them his vulnerability - maybe he should admit that he sometimes makes mistakes, etc.). Maybe he hasn't been around many children and he could ask them if they could possibly teach him the ropes... Kids tend to be naturally willing to help. Open communication is always best. Hope this helps!!!

I think that extremely specific specifics might be in order. I agree that family counseling is probably a good choice, and that it would be good for BF to show your kids some vulnerability and his fun side. I am stricter with A__ (FDH's 9 yo son) that FDH is, but I play board games with him, read with him, play fun games, get up at night for nightmares, give hugs and kisses, etc...
This actually came up on Sunday, when A__ was upset because I was leaving town to help my sister with her new baby and wouldn't be going to Prince Caspian with them. I chuckled and lightly said "And here I thought you'd be happy I was skipping town, since I'm the one who makes you follow the rules around here!" He replied "No, I don't mind the rules because you and me do lots of fun stuff too and your rules aren't so bad anyways"

I make a point of discussing EVERYTHING with FDH, to make sure that anything I do is OK by him and that we are on the same page. He sometimes says "Do we have to talk about every detail?!" and I say we do, because we have to be united with regards to A__. You might have to drag the specifics out of your BF, but I think it's important to do so.

FDH has been excellent about fostering a good relationship between A__ and I... Making sure A__ and I do fun things together without him, but also that I don't seem like a wedge between the guys. Do your kids feel that BF is a wedge, everpresent between you and them? That can lead to a lot of resentment if they do... But if they feel like they need you as a liaison between them and BF, they might not feel that he is part of the family and resent the perceived outsider intrusion.

In looking over the rather random things I have said here, I think what I am trying to say is: Being a stepfamily has a lot of fine lines to tread, and that I think you're a fair ways from the lines. IMO, you need to figure out where that line is for your family and work hard to get back to it.

"I've not given specifics. Just said "be nice" and left it at that."

Don't mean to be insensitive here, but how in the world is that going to help? It's a request that's not specific enough to actually use. "Be nice? I am nice!"

Do you want him to not enforce clearly defined existing rules?
To refrain from dishing out punishments for ambiguous offenses?
To not yell, spank or send kids to time out - ever?
To enforce ONLY a few clearly defined rules.
What do you want him to do if the kids misbehave when you're not around?
(By the way -- I'm assuming he actually IS nice, that his discipline is reasonable, and that the kids merely don't like it because they're not used to having another 'boss'.)

Of course -- If he's not nice to you OR your kids, then cut your losses, learn your lesson and boot him out!

IMO, mistake number one was instituting rules at the same time BF moved in. Even if BF is 'Dad of the Year' parenting material, the timing of the new rules contributed big-time to the kids' perception that it is BF who's the 'meany'. If they were used to getting by with stuff with you, and BF won't let them do it, then he's in an absolute 'no win' position. They'll blame him for the rules they don't like, and blame him for enforcing rules they don't accept. Even if you're doing the enforcing, it's just because they're "his rules."

So if the rules started when BF moved in, then I think the first public step should be a family meeting (you and the kids - let BF skip this one) where YOU lay it out to your kids that YOU are the one who made the rules, that you made them for a reason, and that YOU are to blame for not having made those rules crystal clear to them long before BF even entered the picture. Maybe open the floor to discussion about the reasonableness of those rules, and possibly even agree to modify a few if the kids have a good reason and feel strongly. Then print them up on a chart and post them in a conspicuous place. Those are the house rules - everybody follows them. Agree on what the consequences will be for failing to follow the rules and write them down also.

Then Mom, YOU enforce those rules. Explain to BF that you mistakenly set him up for failure by changing the house rules when he arrived, and asking him to implement them. Let him know that the children are blaming him unfairly, and that from now on, YOU'LL be the bad guy.

For rules on the list, you handle it if you're around; and for goodness sake, stick to the list and consequences! If you're not around, BF should make a simple verbal observation that "The house rule says ..." and see if the problem stops. (A prolonged look can be added to assure compliance.) If the problem continues and you're home, he should then get you. If you're not home, then he should go ahead and implement the predetermined and agreed-upon consequence.

Anything NOT on the rules chart that involves no serious risk of physical injury or property damage should be dealt with by you only. If the risk of harm is serious, then I'd use "babysitter guidelines" to STOP the behavior but not declare a specific punishment. Again, YOU'RE the parent, and those should be your decisions.

I don't think your relationship is necessarily doomed.
But you are 'in the hole' and need to dig yourself out with both your BF and with your kids. The way you handled it wasn't fair to any of them.

That's why I suggest counseling. I think you have to address the underlying problem - why hbcm let BF take over disciplining her children instead of doing it herself and why it took so long to get where the situation is at without making changes before. That's a big question to answer and has a lot to do with how the situation got to where it is.

The mom said he changed a lot of the existing rules when he moved in. If the house/family functioned well, the blame should be on the Mom for letting it happen and continue to happen. Her kids should always come first. The mom should not let this go on, she will eventually lose all of her kids. I think the BF should butt out and let the mom discipline the kids. It's not his place. If he doesn't like the house, the kids or the rules he can leave.