HA HA HA Janice, Just scrool up and read,a camping get together.No Plans,just dreams. I am in Illinois,about 1 hour south west of Chicago. The turkey are fun to look at, but they are a menace like Renie said,they can rip out a hosta in seconds flat,like the deer around here,you just can't keep them at bay,no matter what you try.BECAUSE,we have people out this way that feed them!,so, they are not affraid of people any more.Turkey don't even run any more.Ya just gotta find a way to live in harmony. Heard any thing from Lisa yet? Carol

Hunlin, I'm so sorry to hear of the latest development. Your BIL isn't OCD, he is controlling and an abuser. I could write a book about everything you've described, but it all boils down to one thing: HE WILL NEVER CHANGE. Sure, things might get better temporarily, but they will always go back. And every time it happens, your poor sister will become just a tiny bit more desensitized, and eventually it will seem normal to her. I will just touch on a few things: >He brings friends over to discuss their marriage, things get better. (Trust me, this is very temporary.) On the surface, it might seem like he really wants to work on things, and has brought these good friends over for heartfelt advice to repair the marriage. In actuality, what he is doing is forming an alliance against your sister to keep her 'in her place'. He is manipulating your sister as well as the friends. From the friends' standpoint, they are flattered that he has consulted them, and see him as a good guy so very concerned about his failing marriage. From your sister's seat, she grasps at the tiny straw that maybe this time, things will really change. Plus she now has the unspoken pressure from their friends....if she rejects the advice and leaves, she is the bad guy. How could someone be so horrible to leave a man that really wanted to work on things? Then there's the simple three against one, which makes her question if she's being unreasonable. These are classic things that abusers do. >He doesn't 'let her' buy or do certain things. Another classic abuser trait. From the outside observer, this is ludicrous. Why does he get to make the rules? And why would someone go along with them? It makes no sense, especially because 'the rules' are so ridiculous. But it's not the rules, really. It's the effect of the rules. They go to further diminish your sister, and make her question what is right or wrong, and maybe things make sense in a way, but even if they don't, making him mad is to be avoided, because then she pays in a different way. By the way, she does not 'make him mad', he chooses to be mad, so he can manipulate her and control her. That is what abuse is all about, control. >He doesn't speak to her when she does 'something wrong'. That's control again, using passive aggressive tactics. Not speaking to someone is a manipulative and very, very hostile act, disguised as someone who is 'hurt', or 'upset'. Your sister is normal. By being normal, your sister does not know quite what to do, because she's dealing with someone that's NOT normal. She's never run into someone who acts like this, so she doesn't have the tools to deal with it. She expects that the man she married will love and respect her and treat her as such. He doesn't. Your sister does all the normal things that normal people do. People in conflict discuss, listen to each other, and agree or compromise. Those things don't work with a controller/abuser. And all the stuff he does to her keeps her off balance and confused. Because sometimes he's really nice to her. Throws her a bone. So she keeps trying. And the way he twists things around to make it her fault makes her question herself, somehow makes her see 'his side'. It's really hard to understand, if you haven't been through it. It's got nothing to do with how smart your sister is. Abusers are really, really good at what they do, and they do it so subtly that you don't even realize what's happening. They chip away at your soul tiny bit by tiny bit, so you don't even realize what's happened. A favorite analogy about those who have suffered mental/emotional abuse is this: If you put a frog into a pot of boiling water, it realizes it is in trouble right away, and immediately jumps out to escape. If you put a frog into a pot of cool water, and very slowly bring it to a boil, the frog will really not notice, and acclimates itself to the small increments of rising temperature and not realize it is in trouble until it is too late. Don't give up on your sister. Don't believe her when she tells you that things are all better, and he's really changed. She wants to believe that, and she probably does because she wants it so badly, but it's not true. I guess by now you have figured out that I lived this life too. I was with him for 15 years, and wasted 10 of those believing and hoping that he would change. I feel so stupid for that, and it's very hard not to hate myself for it. Not only did I lose so many years, but lost precious time with my family, (he did his best to isolate me from them, with some success), for which I'll never forgive myself. Linked below are some books that might strike a chord with your sister. I don't know for sure that your BIL is doing all of the things covered in this book, but I kind of suspect he is, and your sister is either too embarrassed to tell you about it, or simply doesn't recognize what is really going on. The ones that she would hopefully read are: Controlling People The Verbally Abusive Relationship Verbal Abuse: Survivors Speak Out Most people who read one or all of them feel like the author was secretly observing their marriage. I really, really pray that your sister finds the knowledge and strength to leave. It seems so obvious to everyone else, but I understand all too well why she might stay. Whatever her choices are, now or in the future, just keep talking to her and listening to her. Gently point out things when you feel she is receptive. The fact that they have a child makes things even harder for her to make the hard decisions, so keep that in mind when you get frustrated with her decision to keep trying. (((xo to Hunlin and sister))) Here is a link that might be useful: Patricia Evans Books

I STRONGLY agree with this and I'm glad that you brought this subject on. I still can't see the logic of this happening in the USA! I'm not saying this because I'm a foreigner but I'm saying this as an outsider. Of all the countries in the world, USA has a very unique history. So to speak: Although, the Native Americans lived here in this land, there was not a united leadership or government throughout. This country was established by immigrants from Great Britain and soon after immigrants from other countries. It is the most diverse country there is. Foremost, the Declaration of Independence which stated that "All men are created equal" was the theme of the birth of this country. If any country would have the least racism, I would think this is the one! After all, isn't United States means that we're in union? I'm proud to become a US Citizen but I am ashamed from all the racism that is carried on in this country. We should stop attacking one another regardless of how and where we came from. Think about it, if not for political reason of our original countries, or slavery, or poor conditions, etc., we wouldn't be having the lives, the opportunity, the benefits that we all have today here, in the United States. So, let's all stop bickering about the past and about our skins and enjoy what we have. For this country has no "true" Americans, (except maybe for the Native Americans =o). All of us together make America the Beautiful.

If you had a great childhood, bully for you. Congrats. That you begrudge others for disliking theirs, well, it's wrong. We are, after all, talking about children here. Is it that you want the parents to adopt a lifestyle that suits every child in the family? That hardly seems reasonable. How is it "on the parents"? It isn't in my eyes. Life is life. We have to do what needs to be done, and live the life given to us. Too bad we can't all grow up with silver spoons and doting parents who are kind enough to be strong in guiding them. Sure, it's the objective, but I am pretty sure silver spoon lifestyles are rare. I think what the daughter was after was to voice her opinion (which may not have even been known by the parents) and come to some understanding in being heard for what she felt. I think it's completely callous to say she should just get over it. Why is it wrong for her to feel the way she feels? I really don't get that. I don't hate my parents because I disliked my childhood lifestyle. Anymore than nanny's daughter does. We can dislike portions of what we endured, we have that right. I guess you loved all of your childhood means we all should.