Wow! Wonderful, this is the same BM that had you for a sleepover right?

I'm really happy for you all (would still be keeping my guard up),but it's really great for your family!

I am in the same kind of situation. My ex-husband's finance invited me out for a drink --- just the two of us. I have been divorced for 6 years now. The less I talk to my ex husband, the better. I had mixed feelings when TOW joined his life, more so, joined my daughter's lives. I would feel jealous when she would take them shopping or get their nails done. That was my job!.....my fun to have with my daughters, not her!!! But then I had to take a step back, my daughters were happy. And I was lucky enough for my ex husband to find a woman that cared for and liked to spend time with my daughters. TOW and I have talked alot over the past month. I like her. I did not think that I would. My daughters are even more happy that we all get along. This past Friday we all sat at the same table for my oldest daughter's vocal banquet for school. We all talked and laughed. We had a really good time. I am happy and honored to call TOW my friend!

I have always gotton along well with my ex's gfs (he has not been married, just dated a lot). And my son loves that we all get along so well. I do not see that awkward feeling in him when we are all around eachother. Funny story....

My ex came here a few weeks to pick up my son right after work. He was dirty in his work clothes and my son was diddling around getting items together he wanted to take to his dads (mp3player, books, etc). My ex was telling him he was starving and wanted to go get something to eat. My dh had just grilled a bunch of steaks and potatoes and corn and we had extra so he offered it to my ex. So, my ex sat down to dinner with me, dh, and the kids. You should have seen the huge smile on my sons face during that dinner!

Made me wish that we could have a friendly relationship like that with my skids bm. I always tried to be nice to her when she lived close. I brought the kids up to the hospital to see one of her babies when it was born and she asked, I drove them to her work for her, and even helped them make her birthday gifts. I helped them to make cards and send them to her relatives for birthdays. Even this year I helped them make gifts for their grandparents and mail them at Christmas. But I guess that stuff didn't count :( When she moved far I set up e-mail for the kids so they could e-mail her. I set up a webcam so they could talk to her online and she could see them. You would think she would be appreciative!!

Sandra, is she TOW (the other woman) meaning she was seeing your ex while you were married? or is she exH new GF (girl friend). If you say TOW and you are good friends, you might attract some unwanted criticism that is not deserved. It sounds like she is someone he met after your divorce.

and JNM, I think it's great! I'd be a little cautious but it sounds positive. Ten years is a long time to get there. I understand the switching gears.

I think that's the hardest part for me is letting go of the feelings I get when SD is crying over what her mom is doing. Our problem is more complex because SD cries to mommy about me and cries to me about mommy. She gets us both upset with each other. I get upset that a mom would do these things to her daughter and she's upset that I don't let her daughter do what she wants or I make her daughter do what she doesn't want. I'm really working on disengaging my feelings about the whole thing and telling SD "that's nice" or "that's too bad" when she starts to tell me things. I care but feel like SD is using my feelings to manipulate me and her mom.

I understand those feelings that Sandra described because as a mom, I hated when my son told me things he did with his SM but I was also appreciative that he seemed to enjoy his time there. At least he wasn't coming back and complaining how mean she was to him or that he didn't enjoy his time there. That would have been upsetting to me. I couldn't stand his SM as a person, but I was appreciative when she did nice things for my son. That is why I don't understand BM's that get angry when a SM does nice things for their child. It's different if the child is complaining and I completely understand why my SD's BM would get upset over the things SD complains about, but I don't get why she would be angry that I take her daughter shopping or teach her to bake cookies. It's not like she can't do those things too.

Ima, that's how our relationship was for years. SD would completely play us against each other. She knew how upset it would make her mom from blow ups when she innocently spoke about me, so as she got older she would not so innocently speak about me in a way that she knew would get her mother's goat. Finally during a not so great time in our dealings I just flat out told her she was letting her daughter get the better of her by allowing her this upper hand. In letting SD know that I was her hot button she had given the 'power' to SD to use against her and been allowing it for years. If instead she would just not react to SD and come to me if she thought there was a problem she could take that 'power' away from SD. Funny, but after that talk things changed quite a bit. Once we compared stories and saw SD was trying the same stuff at each home we were able to call her bluff, and SD's behavior changed quite a bit as well.

I remain cautious as always, but still hopeful. I guess when SD, mom and mom's wine friend were all together the friend said to mom "It's great that you and SM can have this kind of relationship" and mom smiled and said "Yeah, it really is."

I just hope she means it.

I never had any problem with anyone doing anything with DD or for DD, the more the better. :0)

I don't think NotMartha's experience about "StepMom allying with BioMom against Kids" is all that unusual.

(And by "allying against the kids" I mean in the positive way two good parents often unite to prevent children from manipulating or to enforce limits -- NOT in a negative way.)

I think a situation like this often shows both parents that they're really on the same side after all (they are) and might even be something I'd suggest engineering if you think the other 'parent' is basically a decent and/or reasonable human being.

"I mean in the positive way two good parents often unite to prevent children from manipulating or to enforce limits -- NOT in a negative way."

Now that BM isn't rude to me anymore, that's exactly what we're trying to do! And it's great to at least be all in the same chapter, even if not quite on the same page.
I think A__'s pretty annoyed with it, because now his mom hears about what happened here and we hear about what happened there, so rewards and punishments carry between houses now... Which is best for him, but he doesn't see it that way :)

For the time being, it would be impossible for BM and I to be united or on the same page, unfortunately. Before she met her BF, she would say that she wanted to work together & often suggested getting together to 'talk'. We never did because she canceled every time. But, there was a time when both sides would tell SD that we are going to work together and we were communicating pretty well. SD hated it too. When BM moved, she seemed like it would continue to be amicable. Then, as the weeks passed by, I don't think she's handled SD's feelings very well. I think that her moving, then always being late or canceling visits has made SD act out and it probably makes her feel guilty. So she has told her she wants her to live there but made no move to ask the court for custody, at least not until now that there's a support hearing.

For now, it seems like if she keeps the manipulating going, it eases her guilt. SD is telling her how horrible it is here and she responds with telling her she wants her to come live over there. SD is telling DH she wants to live over there because she doesn't want the BF to take her mom, so DH sees that SD would like to go there and cause problems between BM & BF, like she tried to with us. BM doesn't see it that way. She may change her mind about having SD there all summer depending on how SD acts. We'll see.

Perhaps if BM gets over her guilt or breaks up with her BF, we can have a somewhat reasonable relationship. I know it could be possible, but just not now.

My husband's ex wife and I got off to a rough beginning. She was not only the ex, but the other woman also. After a few months of my marriage to him, she decided she wanted him back. I owed her for that move because he was carrying the torch for her, but married me anyway and when it came time for a choice, he chose me, after a lot of heartache for my son and I. 20 years later she called and asked if she could rent our rental house, it was her orig home, and after setting a couple of rules, it worked out great. The rules were "to treat my husband as she would any other landlord, no hanging drapes for her (history there)". The other one was to make the check out to me. I have to admitt I felt I had a little revenge, but lo and behold later I became very comfortable with her. We could talk about "their" kids, my husband and I could not. I felt a little sorry for my husband because he lost her. She was a laughing person, you could hear her laughter all through the house and I was far to serious, thanks to the ex and the steps. LOL