She was 17/18 give it a rest ... not one other 17/18 yr old is supposed to be held accountable for their actions on here ... afterall they are poor things their parents divorced....

Hey Ima ... atleast your dad still talks to you and visits you, picks you up for dinner enjoys your company ... even while your SM was functioning you could enjoy both their company didn't feel out of place with your dad or SM. Your mom did everything she could to sabotage that relationship and it didn't work ... she still wallows in her own self pity pining after a man who will never love her again ... even though his wife is in a vegetative state he would rather be "with" her than a bitter woman. :)

No, actually I feel sorry for her 17 year old self - not only because of the rape, but also because she was apparently not close enough to either parent or to any adult to ask for help.

It is her 39 year old self that I find controlling, and sometimes downright mean.

LOL!!
is controlling and sometimes downright mean??

Oh, I think that's the funniest thing I'll hear all day.

I believe if you can dish it, then you can take it. There are a lot of posters who like to critize TOS and KKNY and yet those same posters play horrified when the tables are turned and TOS and KKNY critize back (this particular post is a prime example). In my opinion, TOS was not being rude or insensitive, she had legitimate questions. This is the internet and is very public. If information is too sensitive to be shared with the entire world and you don't want someone to ask questions, etc., then that information should not be shared at large - instead exchange e-mail addresses, etc. Just my opinion.

I guess I have refrained from posting in this thread because I am absolutely baffled at why someone would post about such a painful hottible experience, in an open forum where anyone can read about the personal details of it. On top of that ima has real life contact info on her website, which is linked from her profile here. Any nutcase can look her up, including probably BM, or ex SM who tried to run her over, or all kinds of people.

Ima has said she does get her feelings hurt by what perfect strangers say on here ( I dont). Unless I am mistaking her with someone else, she has also posted about how BM's other daughter posts personal stuff on myspace, and how worried ima is about it.

I dont get it. I feel bad for what Ima has gone through, IT makes perfect sense to me why she didnt raise this issue during the court case all those years ago. She is right, abuse mentioned for the first time in the context of a custody case is suspect to judges. ANd at 17, I doubt I would have told anyone.

But, its ima's life. SHe has the right to share it with whomever she chooses, regardless of what I, or anyone else think. I just hope she doesnt get her feelings hurt by something she set herself up for ( the comments of strangers)

What are the legitimate questions lonepiper? What difference do any of those 'why didn't you do this?' or 'why did you do that?' questions make now, 22 years later? I've already answered it more than once and when that isn't satisfactory, my dad is brought into it? If he loved me so, why didn't he protect me? and now it's HIS fault?

What I realize this morning, TOS wrote: "Feel free to take out your anger at your mother on me." I honestly believe she would love that. She wants us all to be angry and bitter the way she is. Well, I'm not angry at my mom. I do feel sorry for her because of how she has chosen to live her life. I pity her because she is lonely and miserable. She's done things that I haven't forgiven and don't need to, but I am past angry. I've moved on from there and I'm at peace. I can't have true joy in my life if I hang on to the anger and bitterness because those things consume you and kill your spirit. I love my life and there's a lot of joy in my life. (and if you look at her last post to me, she even tries to attack that) Of course, it's not perfect. Who's is? Oh yes, TOS has perfect children. They need no rules or boundaries, they just automatically behave, are moral, are kind and good... perfect. I'm happy for her.

If you look at this board, MOST of the time, it's not TOS or KKNY that criticize BACK. They are the first ones to criticize and it's the SM's that return the favor. The only reason my assault was even brought up in this thread is because bnicebkind asked me to "Imagine how you would really feel if your marriage failed, and your husbands new cute wife is now your kids new mommy." and I responded with my situation where I did have to send my son to a stepmom, but it was not from a failed marriage.

There was another thread last year when I first came on this board where TOS hounded me over the fact that my son visited his dad & stepmom. She was very critical of me as a mom in allowing my son to go there. I told her then, just as I told her now, he is GROWN. That was over 20 years ago. She's already asked me those 'legitimate' questions and I've already given her my answers. This thread isn't about me or what happened to me or why I did what I did over 20 years ago. and I'm not 'horrified' that she would say the thing she's said. I'm not even surprised, she wants controversy and conflict and she could probably care less about anything that is posted here, she just looks for anything to make a stepmom become defensive and create a hostile atmosphere.

First she says:
"Yet I think that is precisely why you had three children by the time you were about 20."

I had three children by the time I was 21 because I was immature, not for companionship. I wanted a husband and kids so we could be a 'family'. Perhaps I was foolish and didn't know how to obtain that, but I did not use my kids for companionship. I had my exBF for companionship. I now have my husband for companionship.

Then she says
"she was apparently not close enough to either parent or to any adult to ask for help.",

well, all I can say to that is she must not understand what it's like to be sexually violated.

and lonepiper, you don't think it's rude or insensitive for her to question my father's love for me? Of course, I know she probably only said that to provoke me to be defensive or do you think she wants me to question my father's loyalty and love for me? Maybe she'd like me to shift some of the blame I put on my alcoholic mother to my father that didn't run to my rescue and move me away from all the bad people? I don't think she cares one way or the other, I think she just wants to spice up things and cause conflict and controversy.

"and lonepiper, you don't think it's rude or insensitive for her to question my father's love for me?"

No more rude or insensitive then the things you said to her...

well, if she can dish it, she should be able to take it too.

and Kathline,

I'm not getting my feelings hurt.

When this issue was first brought up here, it brought out some of the pain I had when I first lived it and it was like reliving it over again. (not necessarily hurt feelings) But, since then, I have realized that it's one of those things that can be put to rest. The past is over and done. It can't be changed. Talking about it here, as public as this is, has helped me in seeing that. I'd rather not ponder over what I could or should have done, I spent years of sleepless nights and countless tears wondering those things and it did no good.

It's crazy for someone to even attempt to suggest what someone should do in a situation they've never personally been in and have no idea what it's like. I can't suggest to anyone what to do when someone they love is killed or murdered, I haven't experienced that. I can't even begin to understand their pain. and I certainly wouldn't question the things they did or didn't do when faced with a situation that has obviously caused them pain and insinuate that they should have done something differently to produce a different outcome. To do so, is basically blaming them for the way they handled it and saying 'if you had done _____, then maybe it wouldn't have happened' and that is placing blame. I don't call that 'legitimate' questions.

i would not care what strangers or even BM says. but I would be afraid that ima's son might accidentally read all this and find out the truth. I can only imagine the devastation to find out that his mother allowed him in the house of a rapist unsupervised and that his grandparents weren't there for him and his mother in time of tragedy. i would be terrified to find this kind of stuff. i hope he gets no access to any of this (hope the family does not share computer). it can be very dangerous to share info in a public forum.

Ima, that is your opinion. Others are able to have an opinion of their own, even if it contradicts yours.

And again, if you don't want unsolicited comments, then you should seek a different outlet other than a public forum.

fine, my computer is for my use only. My son, as far as I know, has no desire to come to a stepfamily forum. My daughter has her own computer (with internet) and my son's have their own computers but no internet.

lone, where have I said anyone has to agree with me?

I didn't - I said people are entitled to their own opinions.

Ima, I'm very proud of you (not to sound proprietary, lol) for sharing your experiences.

As long as victims keep their attackers' or abusers' secrets, not only does that attacker get away with it, but other victims suffer in silence & in isolation, feeling like they're the only ones, agonizing over feelings of shame & guilt.

feelings that should be put on the shoulders of those who violate other people.

& as soon as one victim or past victim speaks out, the subject, be it rape, incest, assault, beating, whatever, is no longer taboo, & other victims find the courage to speak out & to take steps to go on with their lives & toput the blame where it belongs, to hold the assailants responsible & punish them.

Even today, rape & other physical assaults & crimes against women are under-reported;
women are ashamed, & they're afraid to make their assailant angrier, & they don't think they'll be believed.

often with good reason.
I spoke with a woman just this week whose "boyfriend" has been stalking her.

This woman had been married for over 30 years when her husband died after a lengthy illness (cancer).

She simply did not know how to guard herself in the "single world" & she started dating a guy who was 12 years younger & who was of a different ethnicity.

When he became possessive & domineering & she told him it was over, he refused to accept it & started stalking her.

He smashed her windshield, wrote obscenities on her windows, & jimmied the locks on the doors.

She got a protective order.

She lives in a pier-&-beam house, & he pulled off the underpinning & crawled inside through the access!

The police?

Well, they told her, "Look, Julie (note they didn't call her Ms Whatsis), we know you're letting him in here & we can't keep coming out every time you 2 have a fight."

My thoughts, & hers, are that they don't approve of a middle-aged woman dating a younger man from a different ethnicity, & that they conclude that she's "asking for it", much as they used to do with victims of rape.

When this guy kicked in the door & was still on the property when the police arrived, they finally carted him off to jail...but they released him to the Dallas County Sheriff's Dept *because he had an outstanding traffic warrant*!

so as soon as he's served his time for the traffic warrant, he could very well be back on the streets.
.............
.............
I don't know what I would have done in ima's situation, & I wouldn't have the audacity to second guess someone who's been through the actual experience.

People do not react to shock, violation, or tragedy in logical ways;
I once thought my home had been burglarized, so I called a neighbor to come over with his gun; we crept through the house & found nobody & found no disturbance;
when he asked me if I'd looked in the coat closet, I said no...& opened the door!
Fortunately, there was no one in the closet.
totally irrational, could have gotten both of us killed.

It was a grave mistake, but nobody has ever had the brass b@lls to tell me that my story sounds unbelieveable because I should have known better.

"wants controversy and conflict..., she just looks for anything...(to) create a hostile atmosphere."

hmmm....

on a side note... I had to look up how often it happens that a rapist gets visitation of a child that is a product of that rape after reading this thread, and apparently it happens quite often. From what little I looked at (because I had to stop.. getting more and more pi@@ed off at what I was reading) it probably wouldnt have mattered if he was convicted of the crime in the first place. I think it is sad and horrible but it does happen.

Once again, I will repeat that I did not question ima's father's love for her because he didn't protect her. He obviously could not have protected her from the rapist if he didn't know it happened. I just think it is sad that she was apparently not close enough to him, or to any other adult, to confide in them.

What did I just say?

Victims of crimes or violence, & especially sexual violence, *often* don't do what seems like the obvious thing to do.

I opened a closet door not knowing if an intruder with a weapon was in thre.

Women & children almost always are silent about the torment they endure at the hands of their abusers.

You have no business making the jump from "she didn't tell anyone" to "she wasn't close enough to any adult to confide", as though she is somehow at fault for not telling anyone & that her relationships are somehow inadequate.

no business at all, it's unfounded, it's hostile & mean-spirited;
it's offensive & obnoxious & transparently passive-aggressive.

& as smart as you are, & as educated, there's no way you can make anybody believe it's unintentional.

Sylvia, She said "she was sad"

I feel sad too for any unreported, underinvestigated, etc. crime.

That is not a valid comparison, sylviatexas. You are comparing an immediate reaction to something long-term. Opening the closet door is more closely akin to rape victims going home and taking a shower and washing away the forensic evidence - understandable, but not a good choice. A month, a week, or probably even a few hours after you discovered the burglary, you undoubtedly knew that opening the closet door was a terrible idea. I realize that rape is far more traumatic than burglary (though discovering that your home has been invaded is also traumatic), but I still am surprised that there was NO adult in Ima's life that she felt comfortable confiding in, even a few months later.

I think that Kathline has a very valid point. All it would take would be for someone who knows the son to come across this web site and ima's son could find out about his paternal parentage. Although I don't personally believe that the circumstances of his conception should be hidden from him, I certainly don't think he should find out about it from a message board. That would be horrible.

it seems strange that rapists even request visitations or custody. it seems very strange. why would they? wouldn't they want to stay away to avoid jail? unless of course he just wants to piss off his victim even more or if he is prying on a child. or maybe if he believes in his sick mind that it was consensual. some of those sickos say that her "no" is just intended to seduce him more. I wonder if this so called "father" even admits it was a rape or he thinks otherwise..

I also agree that it is very sad that a young girl had no one close to her. Not a friend, not a family member, not a teacher, not a doctor, no one. I do wish that no young girl would have to face such tragedy alone. How different things could turn out should imamommy have adults close to her...

there are so many young girls like that...very sad.

as about burglarized house..not comparable to a rape of course. But my house was totally robbed with everything of value or no value taken out, house was left empty. Burglars broke in when my grandmother who babysitted my DD (DD was 7 and sick out of school) stepped outside to a pharmacy and robbery occured while they were gone. The horror of it was imagining what if burglars broke in when DD and grandma were still there. It still haunts me. I had two house robberies in my life, both times burglars weren't found. I cannot forget it. Not only value weren't replaced and I had to start all over, but horror of thinking what if DD was home both times. I can't imagine how rape haunts the person, it probably could never go away. that's why I wonder if victims would feel better if a rapist did gets punished. Is there any time frame on that? can he still be prosecuted or it is too late? It is hard to prove so much later but what if....

As you know, the burglary was mentioned to illustrate that people often act illogically in the face of shock, not to compare an actual burglary with an actual rape.

One of the tactics passive-aggressive people use is arguing side issues & non-issues to put other people on the defensive & distract attention from what the passive-aggressive person is up to.

Thanks for underscoring my point.

but just for fun, let me repeat this one more time:

Regardless of how close a victim is to her mother, father, grandparents, teacher, clergyperson, no matter how loved she is, many victims of sexual assault *do not tell anyone*.

Not telling has *nothing* to do with her relationships with other people in her life.

To insinuate that it does is nasty, suggesting that there's something odd or unusual or maybe sneaky or suspicious about someone not telling anyone even later, when all she would want to do is put it behind her, is nasty, & insinuating that there's something wrong with a victim's relationships with her loved ones is beyond nasty, it's sick & disgusting.

The same nasty technique has been used on other posters, blaming them for whatever befalls them.

fd, even if prosecution is a possibility, it puts the victim through more trauma, & the likelihood of getting a conviction after all this time would be very slim indeed.

theotherside said:

"You supposedly had a wonderful father who loved you. He wouldn't have helped you move to protect you and your son from a rapist?"

then she said:

"Once again, I will repeat that I did not question ima's father's love for her because he didn't protect her."

It sure sounds as if you are questioning his love by saying I 'supposedly' had a wonderful father who loved me so why didn't he move me away? That would have been to protect me. There was no way for him to protect me from being assaulted, he lived two hours away.

ima,

No, what I said was wouldn't he have helped you move HAD HE KNOWN ABOUT IT, not why didn't he move you away. That is why I said "He wouldn't have helped?" rather than "He didn't help?" Also, I said, "you and your son," so obviously I was talking about protecting the two of you after the fact, not protecting you from being raped in the first place.

sylviatexas,

"As you know, the burglary was mentioned to illustrate that people often act illogically in the face of shock, not to compare an actual burglary with an actual rape."

Yes, and I pointed out that you were comparing illogical behavior in the immediate aftermath of the trauma (i.e. in the face of shock) to behavior after some time - days, weeks, or months - had passed, and I stated that I believed that was an invalid comparison.

"Not telling has *nothing* to do with her relationships with other people in her life."

That is simply not true. People are a lot more likely to confide in someone if they have a close relationship with them and are confident that they will be believed and supported.

"supposedly" is a really good passive-aggressive word.

tos-
"I pointed out that you were comparing illogical behavior in the immediate aftermath of the trauma (i.e. in the face of shock) to behavior after some time - days, weeks, or months - had passed, and I stated that I believed that was an invalid comparison."

classic.

Thank you for once again underscoring my point.

And thank you for underscoring mine.

theotherside: Why are you doing this? Why are you so aggressively challenging imamommy? This is her private life, some of which she chose to share. Why in the world should she have to keep defending herself to you???

Because IMA's a SM it doesn't matter what the situation she's wrong.

It doesn't matter what the subject/situation is.... as SM's we are always wrong we can never be/do anything right!

Are you ready to tell her to get bent yet?

I will ... tos get bent.

Life should come back and bite you in the ass making you a SGM and your daughter a SM :)

I was raped when I was 14 and I NEVER told anyone until I met my now DH 15 years ago when I was 36. Rape victims don't always tell someone! My older sister is the closest person to me besides DH and I've never told her. Don't intend to.

DF, you have my sincerest sympathy. I think the reason some rape victims dont tell close family and friends is that they know that person will hurt too. If it is not to painful, what advice would you give a mother of a teenage girl (AND LET ME MAKE THIS CLEAR, I AM NOT BLAMING THE VICTIM). The advice I give my DD is never go anywhere without a friend. We also have a code (if I call her on cell, or she calls me, and says pickup orange juice tomorrow) that means come get her ASAP.

"Because IMA's a SM it doesn't matter what the situation she's wrong.
It doesn't matter what the subject/situation is....
as SM's we are always wrong we can never be/do anything right!"

It isn't even that;
*Everybody* is wrong, & tos posts vicious things directed at every poster.

She was insulting to the young woman who had had her stepfather buried rather than cremated!

trollish.

DF, I'm so sorry you had that bad experience, & I thank you for shining a light on it, for speaking out & not keeping someone else's dirty little secret.

""Not telling has *nothing* to do with her relationships with other people in her life."

That is simply not true"

theotherside,
When you personally know what it's like to be the victim of a sexual violation, then come back and share what you did. Until then....GET BENT!!!
Life does have a way of coming back to bite us in the ass. It's called Karma and if all that ever happens in your life is that one of your daughters becomes a SM someday, consider yourself lucky. VERY LUCKY!

and KKNY and every mother of a daughter (regardless of age)

PAY ATTENTION TO ANY CHANGES IN YOUR CHILD'S BEHAVIOR.
PAY ATTENTION WHEN A CERTAIN PLACE, EVENT OR PERSON CHANGES THEIR MOOD OR ATTITUDE.
PAY ATTENTION WHEN THEY NO LONGER WANT TO GO ANYWHERE ALONE.
PAY ATTENTION WHEN THEY NO LONGER WANT TO GO TO A PLACE THEY USED TO ENJOY GOING TO.

It's very easy to write off mood swings and behavioral changes as 'hormones' or being a teenage girl (dramatic) but assuming they will come tell you because you are close and have an open line of communication is one of the biggest mistakes you can make.

I cringe to think that if theotherside's daughter came to her and said something like this happened to her years before, that she would question why she didn't do things differently or why did she wait so long to tell her.... or is it just stepmom's that are questionable?

Ima, I appreciate your comments, but they appear to be after the fact, what I would also like to hear is advice from people as to what situations etc. to avoid (AND AGAIN I AM NOT BLAMING THE VICTIM)

I'm not sure how to avoid a predator. They are sometimes skilled at taking advantage of any opportunity that exists. I guess the only way to be 100% safe is to never be alone anywhere and even then, there have been situations where there was more than one victim or a victim was with others. Polly Klass was taken from her own house during a slumber party. And many victims are abused by someone they know, a relative, family friend, neighbor, coach, teacher, clergy, etc.

This post and they way it has been handled by a select few sickens me. I will be contacting the powers that be to ask for its deletion today. It is one thing to pick apart the way a step or bio parent handles a situation. It is one thing to vent about an incident in one's life. It is a completely different matter when you opt to put a person through the ringer because of the manner in which they handled a very personal and traumatic experience. I could give a sh!t if they 'opened the door' by posting it here. Tact and decorum should keep a person from 'walking through that door' with the intent of being belittling, critical or hurtful. I does not matter that this is a faceless forum, we are still human beings. Anonymity does not override common decency.

TOS, I have defended your right to free speech and even expressed the need for voices from the other side to be here. This post has made me ashamed of myself for that. I never realized the magnitude of your need to seek and destroy until today. The true shame is that you lack the ability to use that voice for anything but bringing on critisism and pain.

I cant fathom how you live with yourself. I now think other posters are right - you really are without a heart or a conscious.

what situations to avoid...based on experiences of one of my friends who was assaulted 3(!!!!) times in her life: don't go remote places by herself especially after dark, don't talk to people you do not know , don't go to places with people you don't know well enough (since so many rapes are commited by people victims actually knew), do not go to bars or clubs by yourself (if you go with friends but they want to leave early, leave with them, don't stay alone), don't drink or use drugs or associate with people who do. those were all the things she did and after each assault we all begged her not to do any of this anymore, she still did. she ended up few times in a hospital with broken bones etc besides just being raped. she actually ended up with 4 kids on her own eventually (not as a result of rape but just poor choices). not to say it was all her fault but she repeatedly put herself in situations when it could be possibly prevented.

it terrifies me to think of DD walking in a dark by herself. she lives in the city and the house is off the major road, so she has to walk there from the bus stop, she cannot possibly avoid doing it. it is pretty scary even in a safe area. it scares me that she has no fear. i was attacked twice in my life and only miracle saved me from being raped (someone else was walking far away and heard me screem), the other time I ran so fast that was able to escape. since then i avoid being by myself in remote places or dark. DD has no fear. scary.

FD, I'll bet that if you ask your friend if she was molested or abused as a child, she would say yes. Her risky behavior as an adult is probably part of her way to dealing with the pain in her life (drinking: to mask or numb her real feelings & self abuse: putting herself in dangerous situations because she feels guilty or worthless)

I will apologize in advance for the hijacking this post represents.

"I just think it is sad...."

KKNY, this is what TOS wrote. Not "I am sad;" not "I feel sad;" She wrote "I just THINK IT is sad..."

JNM, I agree with you. I have been thinking about how to respond to some of the posts in this thread and then I read your post. I kept going back in my mind to previous posts of others (mistyhayes comes to mind immediately) where a similar lack of empathy and arrogance was communicated by TOS.

There is a significant part of me that wants to feel compassion and sympathy for TOS; her spouse of a quarter century left her for another, richer woman; he abandoned his children (although maybe not to the degree we'd been led to believe). Her child was very ill, etc, etc. I really want to feel compassion.

And then, she "opens her mouth" so to speak with her posts here....and, instead of feeling compassion for her, I find myself imagining that I more identify with her ex-husband...what it must have been like to be married to someone who behaves in such an unbearable manner...someone who is always right (and will cite numerous links to info on the net to support her position) while "proving" you wrong; someone who is so callous, she doesn't really care if she offends others in her cruelty, but certaily doesn't hesitate to cry "foul" if her own tender sensibilities are injured. She doesn't hesitate to play the "victim" card if anyone challenges her --- "poor me, my husband went into a depression and left me after 25 years for another woman with more money, leaving me with six kids, and impoverished, even though I have more than one advanced degree, and I am smarter than any of you here, wah, wah, wah...

TOS's posts reek of narcissism. It has been how many years since her husband left? She still can't believe he left her of his own volition...it had to be the depression. It certainly couldn't have had anything to do with her or how she conducted herself with him during their 25 years together. Afterall, she is the perfect mother and wife (don't forget, she didn't agree to the divorce, therefore, regardless of the position her ex-husband or the state, morally, she is still his spouse). Attachment parenting is the only way to raise children and those children are entitled to know every imperfection of their other parent in the name of "honesty."

She encourages IMA "feel free to take out your anger at your mother on me." I think what actually going on here is TOS taking out her own rage at her ex-husband and his new wife on every poster here. She rarely (maybe once or twice in the months I've been on this board) contributes anything positive. Her posts always contain all if not some of the following qualities: critical, questioning, arrogant, cruel and condescending.

She wrote, "I just think it is sad..." She did not personalize her response to IMA in any way that indictated empathy. She "thinks;" she doesn't feel; "it" is sad --- like she is referring to an inanimate object, not a living, breathing human being who was traumatized by an assault.

Even through the limited exposure I have to her on this board, I find TOS to be, at best, insufferable. I can only imagine what life must have beem like for her husband who lived with her day in and day out for 25+ years.

No wonder he was depressed.

of course her behavior was partially caused by dysfunctional family. i knew my friend very well since she was a young child, no, she was not molested, but they all had very distant relationship, no one was close to anyone. lack of love. she was not close to neither her mother nor her father nor her brother. parents were busy with their own lives, constantly remarried, and advancing their careers (both college professors) etc.

even if behavior is caused by dysfunctional family, it does not mean one should not avoid dangerous situations. i think at some point everyone grows up though and take some responsibiltiies. she was in her midtwenties and early 30s and still hooking up with some bizzare men and having babies and then men of course would not stay. i just had to look at them once to know they are trouble. We were 5 friends and we tried to help her. she had a nice grandmother who tried to help. her dad and grandma tried to make her move in with them and tried to help, she would just continue getting together with scary men. she was not taking care of her own children that well either. all girls by the way. we lost contact but i wonder if unfortunatelly they followed her steps...very sad story...

Risky behavior isn't necessarily an attempt to self-medicate or a sicko desire to re-enact victimization or abuse.

Often it's the result of not recognizing what's normal & what's not normal, what's safe & what's risky.

An old work chum went into therapy because she kept getting involved with men who were appalllingly bad for her.

The therapist told her that it wasn't some obscure character flaw within herself, not a masochistic desire for self-degradation;
it was the fact that her alarm system wasn't functioning.

What most people would recognize as a red flag just looked like everyday life to her.

not to sound mean but some people are just plain not that smart. i mean everyone makes mistakes, but if it is the same mistake one after another then what is it if not a plain stupidity.

no, some people aren't smart.

but plenty of non-Mensa people live happy, well-adjusted lives, & plenty of smart people engage in things that other people recognize as dumb, or foolish, or self-destructive.

If you've been taught from birth that the world is a violent place & that people are predators & that you're prey, you don't realize that it's possible to find a safe place where people are compassionate & you don't have to calculate ways to escape their wrath.

That's why a lot of girls & young women get trapped in abusive situations;
they don't, they can't believe that there's another way for them to live.

I just finally read through this whole thread. It needs to be deleted.

This is disgusting and I'm sorry for my contribution to it Ima. I was just trying to understand the sitch and didn't mean to add anything.

This is ridiculous. I did not blame ima for the rape; I specifically said that rape is never the fault of the victim. I merely said that it is sad that she didn't feel she could confide in anyone, or at least any adult. Are you saying that it is not sad?

It is irrelevant that some rape victims don't tell anyone because they are trying to forget it ever happened - I am sure that it is true, but it rather difficult for a victim to compartmentalize and block off the memory when she becomes pregnant.

ima,

"PAY ATTENTION TO ANY CHANGES IN YOUR CHILD'S BEHAVIOR.
PAY ATTENTION WHEN A CERTAIN PLACE, EVENT OR PERSON CHANGES THEIR MOOD OR ATTITUDE.
PAY ATTENTION WHEN THEY NO LONGER WANT TO GO ANYWHERE ALONE.
PAY ATTENTION WHEN THEY NO LONGER WANT TO GO TO A PLACE THEY USED TO ENJOY GOING TO."

I assume from the above statements that you would agree that children who suffer sexual assault would be better off if their parents were able to find out about the assault and get the children therapy and medical care, and of course if the parents were supportive and non-blaming. As you pointed out, there is no way to be 100% safe. What advice would you give a teenage girl (or boy, for that matter) who was sexually assaulted? What would you advise a parent to say to their child about what to do if they ever were assaulted?

How would you know? Were you raped and became pregnant? No one can say what anyone would feel under those kind of circumstances. It is one thing to ask questions, but another to keep insinuating that she didn't have anyone she could confide in when you just don't understand the dynamics.

Trying to rationalize or logically make an explanation for one's behavior under these kind of circumstances is impossible. Ever heard of "Stockholm Syndrome?" Not logical or rational at all, but that is what happens under those cirumstances. Try to make heads or tails of that.

You are wanting to prove a point, apparently that Ima should tell her son about the circumstances of his birth. When you are the one put in that situation, then you can decide. Until then, leave it alone or offer constructive advice.

What are you talking about? My last post had absolutely nothing to do with whether or not I think she should tell her son about the circumstances of his conception. The post wasn't about her son at all.

How would I know what? That it is better for children who have been sexually assaulted to receive support from their parents, as well as therapy and medical care than it is for the sexual assault to remain hidden? You don't have to have been sexually assaulted to realize which of those two alternatives is better.

"I assume from the above statements that you would agree that children who suffer sexual assault would be better off if their parents were able to find out about the assault and get the children therapy and medical care, and of course if the parents were supportive and non-blaming. As you pointed out, there is no way to be 100% safe. What advice would you give a teenage girl (or boy, for that matter) who was sexually assaulted? What would you advise a parent to say to their child about what to do if they ever were assaulted?"
You are asking Imamommy who admitted to being assaulted which conceived her son as to what she would suggest to parents of assault victims. When she has said that she told no one at the time. What are you hoping to gain by this?

"I am a bit curious as to why the morning after pill wasn't available to you. I thought it had been available in some form to treat rape victims since the mid 70's."

"That surprises me. Even back in the old days of the late 60's, details of contraception were common knowledge among my peers."
"When a famous birth control advocate came to speak at our school and displayed various birth control devices, the only people that were shocked were the administrators. Didn't you have sex education in school?"

So when pressing her buttons on birth control (let's not forget that she was assaulted here) didn't work, let's move onto she didn't have anyone in her life to confide in, why don't we?

"That is simply not true. People are a lot more likely to confide in someone if they have a close relationship with them and are confident that they will be believed and supported."

"but I still am surprised that there was NO adult in Ima's life that she felt comfortable confiding in, even a few months later."

"I just think it is sad that she was apparently not close enough to him, or to any other adult, to confide in them."

"No, actually I feel sorry for her 17 year old self - not only because of the rape, but also because she was apparently not close enough to either parent or to any adult to ask for help."

You are not just soooo sad that she had no one in her life to confide to. You are trying to prove a sick little point.

Your passive agressive game isn't flying here. Whatever beef you have with Ima isn't that bad to stoop to the level you have.

Claim innosence all you want, anyone with 2 brain cells knows what you were doing in this thread.

Gigglemonster,

You brought up excellent points by quoting exactly what TOS said. I never understand her place on this forum. She is not part of a stepfamily, nor does she come on here to give advice or get advice. Instead she uses this forum to bash stepfamilies because she does not want to come to terms with the destruction of her own family.
(its never on her that her husband left...he was depressed and it had nothing to do with their marriage???HAHAHA)

It is sad that she can not see all the wonderful stepmothers for what they are! Instead of seeing how great these women are as stepparents she tries to find faults in them around every corner and in every post!

I guess it is kind of like how she does not accept that her husband divorced her and remarried----she can not accept the truth and tries to live in make-believe. She "pretends" that her divorce is not real and that they are still morally married or some nonsense. So in her land of make-believe stepmothers are evil and all biomoms are right and perfect. So she comes on here and lashes out at all the stepmoms. Perhaps she hopes that she will get rid of all stepmoms and her ex-husband will come back to her and they will live happily ever after in make-believe land!

I never suggested that she should have been using birth control at the time of the sexual assault. That is ridiculous. I was surprised that the availability of the morning after pill wasn't common knowledge among teenagers in her community in the 80's.

Not all of the comments you quoted were even directed at ima.

What I was seeking in my recent post is ima's opinion, as an adult, on what would be the best response by parents if their child were ever sexually assaulted. I know that you should tell your young children that they should report any touching that makes them feel uncomfortable, and that if anyone ever threatens to hurt their parents, siblings, etc., if they don't keep a "secret," that they should report that to their parents or other trusted adult immediately. But what should you say to a teenager? I can't imagine that any parent on this board would want their child to have to go through the aftermath of a sexual assault suffering alone and in silence.

Arguing with a passive aggressive person or a troll keeps the conflict going, & conflict is meat & potatoes to such a person.

Agreed. When it started on this thread, my intent was to ignore, leave it alone...and then it just got so mean, I couldn't help myself :(

By the way, I thought your post of 5/1 @ 14:22 was right on. I always appreciate the thoughtfulness of your contributions. Thank you for being here.

Didn't she even argue with IMA over whats a better meal..

fruit and vegetables ... or MEAT AND POTATOES!!!