Well my Mom had this issue too w/ her DH's youngest daughter, 30's, & very dependent on her Dad. It bugged my mom when they first married but it has not bugged her as much as the years progressed. I think it may be something that you will have to change about yourself. How long do they talk for? Do they spend alot of time together otherwise? I wouldn't make an issue out of this one unless it is really cutting into your alone time by them talking for excessive amounts of time. If you have no kids at home, aren't you guys alone much of the time anyway after work? I talk to both my parents almost daily. I love them & want to know how there days are going. It's real quick like a minute. I try & call the house phone at my Mom's house because my SD usually answers & I don't want him to feel like I only call to talk to Mom. Would it make a difference if she just called you? Maybe you can call her & let her know how you & DH are doing before she calls you. I would like for my DH's kids to call him. I could go on the internet or read a magazine while they are occupying him. I've also come to realize when my DH feels good about things, it passes on to me & my children too. Think how your DH would feel if his daughter didn't give a crap about him or his day.

Are you serious? You are basically upset that his daughter has the audacity to interupt your alone time with him? If she is the "most intrusive" person you have ever met then you have not truly experienced an intrusive person.

I speak to my father everyday, have ever since my mother became ill. If I don't call him he will call me after two days asking why I didn't call. Sometimes we don't really have anything to talk about, sometimes we do.

What should you do? Get therapy, because you are a control freak. She is not the other woman or his ex wife. You sound like one of the proverbial second wives that wants the kids from the first marriage to just disappear.

And don't you mean "our house", not "my house"? Or at least "our home" if you own it.

I hate to be crude, but really? You are taking issue that a father talks to his daughter every day? If this were your joint child would you take issue?

I can see if the conversations dragged on for hours about seemingly nothing like my 13 year old SD talking with friends, but a quick check in with dad to say hi and I love you is perfectly acceptable. Obviously he feels the same or he would be trying to cut back the calls on his own accord without your begging and telling off.

I can't think of much I find more selfish than step parents who try to come between a parent and their child. You do not own him - he has a mind and the ability to make his own choices. His daughter was there before you came, and if you keep this behavior up I have a feeling she will be there after you go as well.

I would suggest your husband ask his daughter to call at a scheduled time so that it's convenient for him and you can plan other things during that time. Unexpected calls can be irritating when they interrupt plans but there's no reason to be possessive of him like that. It's good that his daughter is involved. How would you like for her to someday tell you it's YOUR problem when he is sick and needs 24 hour care because you wanted him all to yourself?

I do call my parents often and they call too, it is not daily due to different work schedule but it is about every other day or so. i cannot call my DD every day due to long distance but i sure call every time I want to. we have an agreement that i call her rather than she calls me, it is just cheaper for me to call, but if she would call me daily i would love it. i see nothing wrong with frequent phone calls. i think that if SD calls daily with hour long talks it is disturbing, but if it is reasonable conversation why are you upset? it is not like she comes over every night, she just calls. what is wrong with that? and of course your DH is upset you ask him not to talk to his own daughter! it is plain ridicilous.

Let your husband answer the phone.

If you want to know intrusive, I'll let you handle my mother's calls, which are no less than five per day. My DH hates it. It starts on my cell as soon as my students leave my classroom. She texts me all day. She's interrupted my DH and I many, many times. She can't even go on vacation without calling me. What do I do? Deal with it. Why? She's my mother and the only one I have. And she isn't forever.

I can see how it might be annoying if you were sitting down to supper, or in the middle of an exciting episode of your favourite TV show... so I agree about picking a scheduled time to talk.
But, since most people have the complaint of "my adult children never phone" or "my adult stepchildren ignore their parent", I think that trying to change to a positive attitude about this would be in order.
I sometimes am annoyed by that BM likes to chat on the phone to my BF about her day and her coworkers and what she did last night and yadayada... But I try to focus on the positive side of that at least they mostly get along, and that at least if she's nattering about her day to him, she's not picking fights and making things difficult!
(I'm actually turning into Pollyanna as I say this....) Can you find something to be glad about with regards to this situation?

excatly igheknewthen, my dad sometimes call several times a day for some funny reasons like share a joke or ask silly question. but it is my dad and like you said he is not forever. when i am busy i let it go to voice mail and then call him back later. but i am not going to tell him not to call. i was very close to my grandparents and now when they are gone i wish i could call them and just chat.

I think this is very much an individual thing and depends a lot on how you were raised. My mom and I have always been close and, for a while when I was single, she'd call me nearly every night. Sometimes it got on my nerves and I'd tell her and then she wouldn't call so often for a while. Now we e-mail each other every weekday and talk on the phone every Sunday morning. We might talk on the phone during the week, but it's not regularly. We live three hours apart. My dad and I aren't close and, if talk we on the phone five times a year, that's a lot. We don't e-mail either.

My DH's parents live in the same town as us, and DH can go weeks without talking to them. They usually only call each other if they have something to say, whereas my mom will call me and talk about the weather or what she had for breakfast that morning!

DH's teenage sons, who live with us on weekends, will occasionally call their dad during the week, but usually only if they have good/bad news or need something. Or they'll stop by the house. I don't think I'd like them to call or stop in every night. I'd see if as a form of dependency, but if they talked for only a few minutes, I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. You and your husband do have the option of not answering the phone. My DH and I often do not answer the phone at night. If it's an important call, the caller can leave a message and we'll call them back when it's convenient to us. I'd recommend you get caller ID!

Stepmom40, what terrig just suggested is perfect: caller id or just screening calls. That way, if DH doesn't feel like speaking to his daughter at that precise moment, he has the option not to. If he does, he'll pick up the phone. It's that simple.

Also, since you and DH both talk to your daughters daily, maybe you can plan on talking to YOUR daughter while DH talks to his. That way nobody feels like they have to talk to their flesh-and-blood on the sly or that the evening is off-limits to anyone...

When you say you have "told her off", how did that go down exactly? and when?

Thanks for the responses. Maybe it sounds like I am being controlling, but really I am not. This woman gives us no peace. She calls when it's convenient for her and her alone. There is a lot to type so I condensed it, but the long and the short of it, she is jealous and I have had heard this first hand from his other children.

As far as me needing therapy, thank you, I am seeing one because I thought it was me and I was quickly reassured that I was not crazy or controlling and that there should be limits set. I for one dont think it's too much to ask for her to call either before I get home or at least limit them to a few times a week. There is a three hour time period between him getting off work and myself getting off work. She doesnt work, so she is available during that time. We are building our lives together and we have 2 maybe 3 hours at night due to our schedules and I dont think I am asking too much.

As far as checking in to make sure he is ok, I could almost handle it a little better if that were the case, but she calls to discuss his ex, his other children and basically gossip about the rest of the family. It's never out of concern.

I have tried to be patient and understanding but I believe her motives are not as pure as you may think. I know this girl, she lived with us for a month right after we got married and I know how she is.

Again, thanks for the responses.

i can actually relate to situation re daughters talking about ex or the family members. every time older SD calls my BF is upset because it always is about BM, how bad she is (SD doesn't talk to her mom), how terrible are grandparents and what cheap gifts aunt sent etc. He ends up upset every time. after i told him multiple times: tell her to stop talking about BM it did get a little better, by not much though. every time she calls it is about her mother and how bad she is, of course it upsets BF. i actually do not look forward her phone calls because i know it will upset him. so if this is the case with your SD i can kind of understand wher you are coming from.

If you only have a couple hours alone, shut the phone off. I unplug my during baby's naps. Be upfront with you DH & tell him this is your time. Maybe the first week you shut the phone off, do something he finds interesting during that time...if you know what I mean.

Misti, The husband apparently wants these calls, as he threw it back at SM40 that she talks with her DD. As someone said, there are two sides to every story. I see a SM trying to drive out Dads children. Sometimes it work, sometimes it doesnt.

Sorry, but you are wrong, I am not trying to drive her out. I think I am the authority on that. I have tried to be reasonable and understanding, but our relationship and time spent together is very important, especially in the first years of marriage. I have a great relationship with my SD and SS, in fact, they call me mom. FYI, they dislike their sister because of her intrusiveness.

Trust me, this is killing me. My therpist believes rather than hurt her feelings, he is taking the high road and just trying to deal with me. She is in a crappy relationship (of her own choice), has no money, no job and no transportation.

How about suggesting to your DH that HE CALL HER during that 3 hour window before you get home?

That way, your alone time with your DH isn't being interrupted, and there's no accusation that you're trying to split them up.

I think that was good advice.

I can semi-understand how the phone calls all the time would get old. I believe everyone, even Bio's, need some silence and alone time now and again.

I think that was good advice.

I can semi-understand how the phone calls all the time would get old. I believe everyone, even Bio's, need some silence and alone time now and again.

as I come to think of it as much as BF is involved with his kids soemtimes if it is Friday night and we have a movie night or eat dinner and the phone rings he sees it is older SD and he lets her leave a message, if it is not emergency he doesn't answer and call her back later. the fact is that 99% of the time the phone call is about what a bad BF mom has and how she dared to leave dad for such a moron, and how bad mom is for not doing X,Y,Z and etc. These phone calls are very negative and it usually ruins Friday nights because BF feels very down listening about it. He can't help with how crapy mom is because he is not married to mom anymore!!

My initial reaction to this thread was that children should call any time and talk to parents any time, but as I analyze it a little more...When DD calls we talk about school, work, friends, family. When younger SD calls same thing talks about normal topics. When older SD calls it is always about BM which i don't find appropriate because it prevents Bf from properly healing after divorce and starting new life.

kkny it is possible that OP's DH does not enjoy daily talks he just has trouble saying "no" to his kids, it is very typical for men.

It doesn't matter if you enjoy the daily talks. Parents need to be there for the kids, even if they just need someone to complain to - whether it is their mother, their boss, or whatever else is bothering them.

In one way I agree with you TOS... but in another I disagree.

How I agree - one of the things I am most envious of with my friends who have mothers is that they can call them up on the phone to chat. I LONG for that. There's a quote in "Motherless Daughters" about that - "I missed my mother, terribly, when I graduated from college... I missed her when I got my first job promotion and wanted to share the news with someone who'd be proud. I miss her when I'm sick and when I'm lonely, when I can't remember what works best on insect bites, and when nobody else cares how rude the clerk in the post office was to me."
No matter how old you get, you still want that from your mom and dad and they should be there for you.

But on the other hand, I think saying that "it doesn't matter if you enjoy the daily talks" is too extreme. When you reach adulthood, you should no longer just be taking from your parents. I think that as an adult child, you have a responsibility to your parents, to make sure that the relationship is rewarding for them as well. In addition, many parents of adult children have now lost their own parents and may now be reliant on their adult children for the caregiving role that their deceased parent once occupied. Adult children should be sensitive to that and be willing to 'give back'.

i agree with ceph. of course parents should be there for us. but these kind of phone calls are all about taking nothing about giving. I think it is insensitive and plain mean for SD to talk to dad constantly about mom's BF who is TOM. it is not like she just mentions him, she talks and talks and talks. when she goes to moms house (which is almost zero times lately) she calls and shares every single detail about what mom's Bf said and how he said it, and she makes fun of him and other stuff. maybe she thinks dad likes it, but he said to her that he prefers she doesn't talk about mom and her household. Does BF have to be there for her to listen about evil TOM? i don't think so. i cannot imagine DD calling her dad daily to discuss my boyfriend. it is just ridicilous. it would be much more productive for SD to go to therapy and vent there because dad cannot remain neutral discussing a man whom his wife left him for! there are limits to what is appropriate for adult children.

I am willing and happy to listen to whatever my kids want to say. I lost my parents shortly after I became an adult, and Ceph's first paragraph nearly made me cry. Hopefully I will not die for quite awhile, and as long as I am alive, I am going to be there to listen when my kids want to talk.

From your last post, it sounds like the girl is unhappy with her own life and is reaching out to her dad which isn't all that uncommon. It sounds like she's burned her bridges with her sisters and DH is the only one left for her to talk to. Maybe DH should make the suggestion to DD that she seek counseling. Mabye she's depressed and needs an objective person to speak to so she can get her life back in order.

Well, my mom and dad have passed on, my best friend, and my favorite brother too. They were a comfort; the shelters during the storms, the people that knew me perhaps better than myself, the ones that laughed when I laughed and cried when I cried, the V.I.P.'s in my life. For a spouse to have challenged those times I spent on the phone? I don't think so!

There will be plenty times that will come up that will be important to address, and this should be an easy exercise in resolving your feelings and gaining some respect along the way for yourself. You have an opportunity to show some grace. Do it for your own good.

Been there

KKNY-Did you read my first response to this post? I looked at both sides, as I come at it from both sides.

How about a little behavoir modification? Someone already suggested that your DH call HER during the time between when he gets home and you do. Is that a problem to do? It would ensure that she get to have the conversation with her Dad, would ensure that it's not interrupting your time with DH, and gee ... it might even make her feel good that her father is reaching out to HER rather than her having to call him every night.

If she does call during your time with DH, it seems that there's a very good solution: don't answer it. Let it go to the machine. If she persists, just turn the ringer off so it doesn't bug you. Then, he can call her back at his/your convenience.

You and he need to take control by action, and I may be missing something, but this seems pretty easy.

It sounds to me that your husband doesn't mind or doesn't care enough to stop it. Can you clarify which is it?

Also, what do you mean you told her off?

Sometimes I wonder if he cares or not. He is 50 and very set in his ways. She called both days this weekend, both times over absolutely nothing. He drops everything, even his meal to answer the phone. (while muttering a curse word under his breath)

I am taking my therapist's advice and trying not to show that it bothers me. I really am. It's hard as I truly believe that she is manipulating him and there is nothing I can do but keep complaining and possible lose my marriage or shut and endure it.

As far as him calling, I can count on my hands the number of times he has picked up the phone and called her in the last 14 months. He never calls her.

Ok, so he probably won't call her instead of her calling him. What about the other suggestions of letting it go the machine or turning the ringer off?

If neither of those are acceptable to your husband, as him calling her isn't, then I'd have to guess that you and he are not partnering on this. If he mutters a curse as you say, how about having a gentle conversation between the 2 of you to decide how to handle it? If he says no to the good suggestions in this thread, I would conclude that he's not as bothered by it as he would like you to believe.

However, the thing that would bother me the most is that he doesn't seem to be all that concerned that YOU are having an issue with it. He's not willing to work on something that intrudes into your happiness as a couple and your (you, stepmom40)happiness?

I have to say it is impossible to know whether she is manipulating him or you are projecting that since that is something that obviously bothers you and the easiest solution is to blame her, rather than take a good long look at your husband and why he seems to brush off your concerns.

Also, re-reading your first post, it is concerning to me that this would be the cause of major conflict. I know that you want to spend time with him, but most couples aren't attached all of their free time. It is healthy to have some time and space. It doesn't sound to me like this daily phone call is eating up ALL of your free time with hubby.

"It's hard as I truly believe that she is manipulating him..."

What are you afraid of, exactly?

It concerns me that he wouldn't be willing to call her once in a while if it means a lot to you.

Wonder how he would feel if you were to stop everything and take a long phone call in the middle of an intimate time that is important to him? Might be worth arranging...
(hint, hint)

LOL sweeby, maybe he would stop and think, huh?

I am not afraid of anything serenity, but I feel that we deserve the few little hours we get together without a constant interruption or conflict. My daughter and mother respect this and rarely call me at home in the evening. We talk during the day or on my way home from work. I make an effort to keep our time together special for us and I guess I dont understand why both she (SD) and he arent willing to show the same respect.

Honestly, it makes me feel like he doesnt care about my feelings at all.

i still don't fully understand if your complain is about him talking to long, her talking about inappropriate topics, her calling too often etc. Is conversation too long? is it more than 15 minutes? If it is, than maybe you can phrase your concern more spcifically such as please don't have long conversations every night. But if it is not long, i simply do not udnerstand how can you address this issue? I cannot imagine anyone telling me: tell your daughter not to call you daily. I wonder if it is specifically stepfamily issue? Because I don't think in intact family parents would object children caling them.
If your DH works he possibly cannot talk to SD during the day. Can you suggest he makes conversations shorter if it interfers with your time?

It seems to me that you're mostly angry with the wrong person. It would be nice if your stepdaughter respected your wishes for your relationship, but your husband is the one you married. It's much more his job to respect your relationship than it is hers. He's the one you should be unhappy with, not her.

I would suggest that he call her, because that seemed much the best advice on this thread. Him calling her might actually reduce her need to talk to him so often-- she might feel more secure in their relationship if she didn't feel like she always had to be the one maintaining contact.

And if he was unwilling to do that, I personally would stop making such an effort to keep that block of time as a "special for us" time. I would talk to "my" people or plan to do things I enjoyed or whatever. If he joins me, great. If he's on the phone, also fine. I would stop focusing so much on feeling like I had to get the most of him out of a few hours each day and would instead focus on feeling good about all of my free time, whether I was enjoying it with him or by myself. Expecting every hour that you're simultaneously not working to be shared and special is a lot of pressure to put on you and on him.

I guess I can't wrap my mind around the 'special us time' very well . . . maybe because I have 3 young kids and don't even know what it means. :-)
Please help me understand why you have to have this uninterrupted time every day. Life isn't uninterrupted. Trips to the grocery store happen. Coffee with a friend happens. Kids calling happens. Life outside your coupleness is real life, and you can't avoid it. I understand this being a new relationship and still shiny and exciting, but I guess the way I see it is if it has to have all this special nurturing now what happens when real life kicks in?
Please don't take this as criticism, I'm really just trying to understand. I spent the first year of my marriage fighting for custody of my SD, so I've never had special time. I think it has made my relationship very strong . . . if we can survive that then we seem on a good track.

I guess they way I see it is you don't stop being *you* when you enter a new relationship. If you have to change to make it successful, then what made you think it would work in the first place?

"Honestly, it makes me feel like he doesnt care about my feelings at all."

Stepmom40, I think you're doing that to yourself... not to mention putting him in a really unfair position. It's going to ---if it hasn't already-- create needless conflict. There are so many excellent, simple, practical solutions that have been offered to you on this thread, and to not at least try them out suggests that on some level you WANT the conflict to continue. My guess is because one way or another you want to find out/establish firmly "who's the most important". Well, it doesn't work like that. Your relationship to DH, his relationship to his daughter, your relationship to your daughter, both of your relationships to your mothers, etc. can't all be put on a ranked list of importance. Or necessarily scheduled perfectly (although you can try to maybe establish a little more of a routine that works as well as possible for everyone). It's like JNM says: "Life isn't interrupted". If you married this guy and had babies with him, you'd be interrupted constantly. Or if he got in a car wreck and got paralyzed, it would certainly mess with the honeymoon period. Or if you both were dirt poor and had to work two jobs each. Or your mother got Alzheimer's and had to move in with you. You get the jist... You simply aren't going to be able ---even if you had the right--- to demand that others in the world limit their relationships with you & DH and adjust their schedules, needs and personalities to accomodate your need to have the perfect little set-up where all family and friends appear exactly when you want them to and disappear when you don't. You can't control the way the rest of the world works, but you do have options as to what YOU do. (For example, picking up the phone or not... or finding something to do with yourself for an hour.)

It's evident that you and DH have different experiences of what "family" is, or even conversational styles and needs. He and his daughter obviously feel more attached to frequent contact (my hunch is if SD stopped calling, he'd start calling her a lot more... and vice-versa). Maybe you grew up in a family that used words (and the phone) sparingly, that didn't call all the time or didn't like to chit-chat over "nothing". In that case, I feel sorry for you! There's nothing more embracing and enjoyable than being able to just "hang out" (in person or on the phone) with a loved one (friend, family, or partner) without it always having to be "about something", or even "special time". I think this might be the core of your issue. You apparently aren't used to the idea that "down time" or regular everyday "nothing" is the glue that really matters in connections with people. I suspect it's why you're so anxious about SD calling and taking away too much of your "honeymoon" time together--- because you're afraid of what happens when the shiny, new "honeymoon" phase wears off ---which you fear is any day now--- and can't envision that you can have "special time" indefinitely... or with anyone else around. Going to the grocery store together can be "special time", raking the leaves or driving back from MIL's and laughing about what she said or simply sitting in the same room doing a crossword puzzle while DH has his hour-a-day of being a parent to his daughter, too, can be "special time". "Special time" is what you make it and bring to it, not what others supposedly take away from it. It isn't so much a matter of quantity but of attitude.

I have another advice. Can you have a desginated time a day when you both talk to your relatives? Every saturday and sunday morning I and BF both call our family memebers who live oversees, due to time difference we can only call certain people on the weekends.

At the time when your DH talks to his daughter, could you call your mom and sister at have your conversation? In this case this would a special time for both of you to talk to family members and then you can dicuss what they say and how they are doing? You don't need to talk to your mom during the day, you can call her excatly when SD cals, at night. Not to piss him off, but rather create a routine when you both speak to families. Would that work?

BF has this cousin out of state who calls often in the evenings and keeps loooong conversations, she is a widow and is very lonely and is close to my BF. I found my way to deal with it. I go to a different room and call my dad because he is at home at that time and I have my conversation with him. In this case I don't feel annoyed and I feel that I gave my time to my family while BF gives his time to his family.

Try it.

I meant to type "life isn't UNinterrupted" when I quoted JNM... I thought what she wrote was very wise.

I appreciate all of you that have commented without being rude and nasty. Whether I am being controlling or should seek therapy, this is a real issue for me and I am trying my hardest to get a handle on it.

I know life isnt perfect and there will always be things that come up, I guess I am just trying desparately to make sure we have the time we need to keep our relationship happy and our love growing all the time.

I am trying to chill out and at least keep my thoughts on the situation to myself. It seems that I am the only one that has an issue with it, so by at least keeping it to myself and then talking to my therpist about it, the conflict at home is down.

find something fun to do when he is on the phone, something to take your mind off. don't be in the same room, find something urgent to do in the garden or garage or call someone or go on the internet or on gardenweb, or go sit in the bathroom, lol i don't know...just don't sit and suffer there. good luck.

Thanks Serenity. That means a lot from you as I often find your writings very wise as well.