whew, friends...shake it off....new topic :)

19 years ago

I am SO changing the subject right now.....

I am starting to have a problem with my DH and I think it's directly related to his divorce baggage. Let me know if any of you have dealt with this or have some advice on how to approach it with him.

The stats:

Married 8 years.

First for me, second for him.

He is nine years older than me.

He was divorced four years before we met (separated for 2 before that).

SS (almost)19y, SD 17y, BioS 5y

Okay, so you can see by the math here, that the older children were little bitty when the whole divorce/coparenting thing started. DH had just started to get his act together when I met him and BM still has lots of issues. Needless to say, the instances of undermining, playing against, etc have been constant.

The problem I'm having is that DH has some real issues when it comes to parenting the 5 yoa WITH ME. It's becoming a bigger issue now that BioS is old enough to notice. We have different parenting styles, but that's not really it. I swear to you my DH wants our son to "favor" him.

---He is constantly buying things for him (which I hate, because I don't believe in completely spoiling a kid).

---He lets him eat stuff that I would not let him eat (donuts for breakfast, candy,)

---But the biggie is when he goes out of his way to make himself look more attentive. (ex. I was reading in the car on the way home from a visit to family, son was chattering non-stop--typical 5 yoa stuff--and apparently asked me something that I didn't hear, son didn't miss a beat, kept chattering-about something else, and DH said "She's not listening to you, she's reading, she's not paying any attention to what you are saying").

I know that in text it's a little benign sounding, but when you add tone of voice, etc, it was really cutting.

It's all really subtle, no name calling or anything ridiculous....I'm just trying to figure out why DH would do anything of the sort. Why would he want to make me appear to be the weaker parent???

Do you think it's because the two older children have such divided loyalties, and because he didn't get to do a lot of the parenting when they were young, he sees his constant presence with BioS as an opportunity to be THE parent. Help here!!

Sorry if this is not clear, I was (trying) to be brief...this could go on and on......

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Comments (3)

sweeby
19 years ago
Interesting theory! -- and it sounds like you may be onto something. It could also be kind of an ingrained habit and he's doing it without even realizing. I mean, with divorced parents, it's really common to have an underground 'best parent' contest going. Could be he's doing the same thing to you and doesn't even realize it.

Have you ever discussed it with him? If he gets all indignant, you could just say that the idea occurred to you and you wondered what he thought about it. Then walk away quickly to encourage him to think about it but not argue with you about why it's not true.

If he insists that's not what's going on, then I'd just do the 'standard' we need to be on the same page so we're not playing the "good parent / bad parent" game. Then try to agree on some core rules that both of you will enforce.

Definitely something to nip in the bud!
sylviatexas1
19 years ago
"we need to be on the same page so we're not playing the "good parent / bad parent" game.

Definitely something to nip in the bud!"

yep.
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mmommy
Original Author
19 years ago
I hear you on the "nipping in the bud"!

sweeby- I went with your advice on mentioning it and then letting him "marinate on it"....this is actually one of my commonly used strategies :) We'll see where it goes.

He'll likely not bring it up or 'officially' apologize...but hopefully, I will see some change.

jeez....there are so many layers to the blended family situation.

whew, friends...shake it off....new topic :)

Comments (3)

sweeby

sylviatexas1

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whew, friends...shake it off....new topic :)

Comments (3)

sweeby

sylviatexas1

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mmommyOriginal Author

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mmommy
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