I think you need to let your dad know that stepbrother hasn't paid you back.

If your father continues to "do" for him, at least it won't be because he didn't know how stepbrother views borrowing (I borrow it, you never get it back!)

Stepmother sounds like a lost cause, & it'll get worse as your dad ages.

I think I'd start, right now, dealing directly with my dad, knowing that it might not help in the future, but at least I'd have a direct line for the time being.

I wish you the best.

Thanks. If I tell him, I'm sure it will start World War 3. It will get back to my stepmom that I told him and she will be PO'd that I didn't tell them together, because they are married you know. The marital union does come before children you know.

Then, it will go from that to why did you lend him money when you knew he had problems? Were you trying to hide something from us?

I'm just done. I've been through this with them (well, not this exact situation) enough to know that it will always be my fault. I didn't handle the situation well, I'm too sensitive or not sensitive enough to others.

Has anyone else been through this where this nonsense lasted YEARS? I mean, at some point everyone just accepts everyone and is nice right?

"Has anyone else been through this where this nonsense lasted YEARS? I mean, at some point everyone just accepts everyone and is nice right?"

Hi, Gigglemonster. I'm Serenity! (Just have to have a momentary chuckle at how both our screen names are like coping mechanisms ---what we aspire to feel, perhaps--- in this adult SD situation). If you have time, go back through some old threads on here, going back a few months. If you read my posts (I joined in December 2007), you'll see we have a lot in common. Even the 18 years thing...

Anyway, I fully understand your "damned if you do, damned if you don't" predicament. And that it SHOULD be different, anyone should be able to see the unfairness... but this partcular little family unit just doesn't see it. So I know how your best intentions and words can get twisted, no matter what you do... Therefore it doesn't surprise me ---even though Sylvia's suggestion to speak with your Dad alone would ordinarily be the smart way to handle it--- that there will be some flak even if you do THAT...

I'm an only child, so I don't share your experience of having the divided loyalties and conflicts concerning a step-sibling. I admire you for being mature and caring enough to separate your step-brother from his mother in your mind, which is clearly what you have done because you were kind and gracious enough to loan him money. That was a VERY generous thing for you to do which you DIDN'T have to do at all, and one way or another your Dad & SM should be made to be very aware and appreciative of that. You shouldn't let what was a generous gesture on your part be twisted into something ugly. Especially since you know that if the situation was reversed: a) SM would never loan YOU money; and b) if her son loaned you money and you didn't pay it back for six months (or even acknowledge it!) you'd probably be erased off the family tree by now.

I'm not suggesting this route, but people CAN and DO take other people to court over unpaid loans all the time. (But they usually don't get their money back unless they had something in writing, some promissory note of repayment, which you probably don't have because you SHOULDN'T HAVE TO need one!) I do think it's wise and a better path to follow to minimize conflict over this, for the sake of any shred of a decent relationship you might have with your Dad and step-brother (if not now, then when he may outgrow his immaturity)... BUT ALSO for the fact that you & I know all too well: if you raise too big of a stink about this ---EVEN THOUGH **IT** STINKS-- it will be held against you and used as an excuse FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, if you ever need ANY type of a loan or help from any of them, which you won't get. You know it's true. Not the way it should be, obviously, but it's true.

Instead, I would choose to be the one to remain in the position of "one who something is owed TO". Hopefully, you can cut this loss, at least temporarily, and it won't break your bank. But I would absolutely refuse to loan anything else to anyone in the family... not in any mean way but simply by saying: "I'm still in the red from the money I loaned to [step-brother]. I wish I could help you, but I'm still broke myself."

I SO WISH I could tell you to speak up and say "This is an outrage! I will not be punished and made The Bad Seed after helping this dude out!!!! It was a LOAN! What-- he's not supposed to pay back any loans?!" But you know the cards are stacked against you, no matter what.

But I wouldn't completely give up YET on the idea of talking to your Dad, depending on a couple of factors. How "conflicted" would you say your Dad is over this whole SM dominance thing? Has he given you any indication (this would generally be at private moments between the two of you) that he kinda sorta knows what you're going through? Would he be the type (like my Dad) to at least occasionally slip you a few bucks on the sly (if he knows you're strapped and SM would flip her lid over it) or occasionally compliment you on your hair and/or tell you how proud he is of your accomplishments (if he knows you could use hearing it but SM would fume for days if he complimented you in front of her)? If he's reachable at all as a human being, and if you phrase it right, it might be okay. I think it would be key to be open with him about the fact that you have been dreading bringing it up, torturing yourself with the prospect of either you or step-brother getting in any trouble. Tell your Dad that you know times can get tough and people can get forgetful, but you really need the money back because you really need to pay for [make up something, if you have to, something important] car repair, night classes, wedding gift for dear friend, intensive therapy... You didn't want to HAVE TO bring it up, but it can't wait any longer. Then ask him "what should I do about this?", or even better: "what would YOU do, Dad?"

I think it would be best for you to tell them both, together. You are right, they are married and it would be better for her to find out directly from you since it involves her son.

The nonsense will last as long as YOU let it. You are grown up and you need to stand up for yourself. When they lay the guilt trip on you 'for the sake of the family', they are minimizing YOUR feelings. She can't treat you badly and then expect to be treated well. It would probably help if you could get counseling or help being more assertive. I wouldn't suggest blowing up at them but finding a way to say 'I know it may not be any of my business, what financial dealings the two you make with stepbrother, but I wanted to let you know that he borrowed money for his rent several months ago and didn't pay me back as he promised.' Then, you might let them know that you did it because he is family and that family shouldn't stiff one another. (I know that's a tough one because my mom's side of the family are notorious for borrowing and never paying back. When they borrow, you are given a guilt trip if you say no, 'because they are family' and when you don't get paid back, you are told 'family doesn't sue each other' but my philosophy is that family doesn't screw each other either.) I wouldn't ask for their assistance in collecting from him, but I would let them know that he stiffed you and you may have to sue him if you really need the money back or at least by letting them know, then the next time someone wants to borrow money and you say no, they will at least know why. (I was going to say they'd understand, but they may not.) A general rule on my dad's side is don't loan anything you can't afford to write off.

I think the biggest problem you are faced with is your own insecurity or guilt in feeling responsible for the feelings of everyone else, at the expense of yours. When they blame you with 'but he's family', you need to say 'so am I.' When they blame you with 'why would you loan him anything?', say 'because he's family and I trusted him to pay me back.' You have to believe that you are worthy of your feelings and don't back down. If you are worried that they will be angry at you or stop talking to you, then you need to ask yourself if they are worried that YOU are upset and would THEY care if you stopped talking to them? You aren't a child that needs their approval anymore, you are a grown up and you've carried that burden long enough. I hope you can find the strength to find your voice. (and don't yell, nobody listens when you yell... they are too busy thinking of their response)

Help me out with this. Is you SM appreciably wealthier than you Dad? Do you know if they share money? If it is all her money, then I can understand her helping her son more (although I hope you never loan him money again, just tell him you cant do it right now). As to talking to your Dad v. both of them togethor, let me know more.

PS This is not a "blended" family. This is SMs family. That is unfortunate, but dont let go around thinking this is your fault. This is a SM who sees her child ahead of all others.

I would tell my dad first, alone;
he should have the time to digest it before he lets his wife know.

When anyone springs unwelcome news on a couple, the tendency is for the couple to close ranks & present a united front resisting the problem.

& once that dynamic starts, it's all over;
your dad will never perceive the situation in any other way.

SerenityNow, I love your name. Seinfield, right? Funny episode. I loved your post, you write very eloquently and put so many of my scrambled thoughts in order. Thank you, I will definitely look up your posts.

Imamommy, I'm not sure where you are getting that the problem is that I'm insecure or feel guilty. What do I feel insecure or guilty for? I do know how they will react and know it has nothing to do with me and my post is merely a rant, not that I have deeper problems. I do know rationally that nothing will change, I can do everything my stepmom wants and she will still find it a way to make it my fault. It is not a problem that I am not assertive or feel guilty or insecure, there are people in this world that nothing will please them and love drama, and believe it or not, some stepparents/parents are just as some stepkids are. I am amazed that you were able to ascertain that much about me from two posts anyhow.

KKNY, no my stepmom does not have more money than my dad. I feel a yucky topic coming up, LOL, but it is the truth. Quite honestly, I will probably say nothing vs. talking to one or both. And I'll just never lend him money again. I feel like I am in a no-win situation and the "classy" thing to do is to take the high road, which I try to always do, but it helped getting it out:)

Sylvia, I agree with you completely. You seem to have a very deep understanding of blended family situations. If we were a "normal" blended family, I'd take your advice in a heartbeat.

I really think you should talk to your father alone, very gently. My guess is your Stepbrother has stiffed others. I am very sorry for you. And I feel sorry for him, his mother is an enabler and he will never grow up until she changes. I think that should be part of the conversation you have with your dad. Did you give him the money in cash or a check?

I gave him a cashiers check. I know for a fact he has stiffed others, I just don't want the drama. I do think in a way I should let him know, if anything so he stops giving him money.

Yes, I feel sorry for him as well. He may have had a privleged childhood, but he is paying for it dearly now. I had heard through the grapevine a couple months ago that he was using drugs. I don't know if this is true or not and I'm not in a position to find out, but I can't say that I'm surprised.

I think I got that from your lines:

"She had done a lot of terrible things to me and I'm always expected to just forgive her. Everything has always been we are faaaaamily and we have to get along. Even when she has clearly a big dislike for me and will openly voice it."

and

"I'm tired of being the one having to compromise, I'm tired of the being the one to have to let my feelings be stomped on for the sake of the faaaaaamily."

Maybe insecurity or guilty were not the right words I was looking for... maybe responsible is a better word. My daughter is the type of child that feels responsible everyone else (how they feel, how things affect them, etc.) and does things to keep peace and harmony instead of allowing herself to assert her own feelings. As a kid and young adult, I was the same way. It's taken me years and going through some terrible things that opened my eyes and I now realize that nobody is going to stand up for me, I have to do it for myself. That is something I am always having to tell my daughter. I've had a troubling relationship with my own mom and at times, I've had to cut off contact with her for my own sake (she's actually blamed me for things that happened to me as a kid). She has said things to my daughter that affected her for years, and she is one of those people that won't ever 'get it'. When I read your post, I could hear my daughter's voice and maybe I got it wrong, but I heard a kid that feels responsible for keeping the family at peace. It's NOT your responsibility. You shouldn't be feeling 'stomped on' or that your 'being immature' because YOU ARE NOT. I hope you don't think I was criticizing you because I'm not. I know you can't change anyone, anymore than I can change my mom. But, I had to find my voice to stand up to her. She is never going to change and when I get upset at something and she tells me 'you're too sensitive!', I can tell her 'no, I'm entitled to MY feelings and if you don't think so, then YOU are INSENSITIVE.' My dad tells me that nobody can MAKE you feel anything, and he's right.

Imamommy, I appreciate your clarification. I actually don't feel responsible for them, I just know the score if it makes any sense. You know the saying that doing the same thing over and over again is insanity? Well, that is how I feel. I'm tired of being insane, LOL. I have tried all the different ways that my stepmom says I can relate to them better, but it doesn't work. I did come to the conclusion a long time ago that I am not the bad one, but it doesn't stop me from understanding and hearing them when they say I am.

I don't think it is as easy to just cut them off, I love my dad. I love my siblings. As time goes on I am learning my boundaries though, and this is just an example of one of them. Don't lend money :)

I do see the source of the trouble in my stepmom. She has an insatiable need to make sure that her kids are better, more special, brighter....than everyone. She is that parent in the after school programs and at your kids outings. So, it is not just me but it affects me more personally than it does classmates or peers. Now that I am grown, it is still there but in a more grown way.

gigglemonster, I am really impressed by your clarity. You already have clarity within your family that can sometimes take others years and therapy to understand. We all know that parent that has an insatiable need to make sure that "her" kids are better, more special, brighter than everyone else's. That person is competitive, manipulative and always striving so their kids "appear" the best. They will get teachers to change grades, manipulate friendships for their kids, and do what ever they can so their kid "appears" best. They will be "too involved" at school, and every aspect of their kids life.

I have always thought it would be awful to get one of these as a MIL, (way too intrusive and controlling) but I never considered what it must feel like to be the step child to one of these women.

Just don't take it personally. It is not personal. She must see her kids as a personal reflection of her value, and by trying to convince everyone that her kids are the best, she is really trying to pump her own self esteem, and convince others that she has value.

Thank you, bnicebkind.

You are right on the target, she really is that parent that everyone dreads at the PTA meetings.

Oh my gosh Giggle, our kids must go to the same school . . . I know exactly who you are talking about! :-)

Does it make you feel better to know she's not the only one out there?