I also want to add that she is familiar with adoption already, as FDH is adopted, and she knows that and understands what adoption is all about, and how an adopted family can still be a loving family. =)

Lisamarie,

Holey-moley! I've got to tell you, the child has gone through quite a bit in the past year. I don't think it is a good idea to tell her right now, however I am not a counselor. It is just a bit disconcerting to me that this would be on the top of the list for you and FDH to do.

I see from your first post that FDH and you have made some changes, specifically what are they? How does telling her right now benefit anything? Especially with a new sibling coming along?

My suggestions are: 1)take some parenting classes. 2)start family counseling and talk over any changes before trying to implement them. 3) Back off a bit. Telling her that FDH is not her bio father should not include you. This is personal and I believe should be dealt with people that she has known and trusted for awhile. Especially with what she has gone through the past year and the insensitivity about the new baby that she has felt from you.

I'm sorry, I just can't understand where you are coming from right now with all of this and what the benefit would be right now. It seems to me that you are overeager to make all of this "right" and have not fully thought out the outcome of these decisions you and FDH are making.

You are dealing with a little girl who has experienced significant loss recently. Do you really want to add to that right now and say yep Dad is not your bio father and the grandparents that have raised you, yep they aren't bio either?

Please think this through some more.

others may disagree but if I remember correctly you already have ALOT of things going on and ALOT of changes for her to adjust to. Mom died, moving in with dad after being with grandparents for extended time, new baby. I dont think now is the time to drop another bombshell on her life... I would say let things adjust with the move and family and create a loving atmosphere that she does feel safe and comfortable in (because she does not do feel stable and comfortable yet) .. Give it some time... books are a good resource but your own instincts are usually better... and mine say given all that has gone on... maybe it would be best to wait. Let her know in her heart that yes this is my home and I cant be replaced and then tell her that kind of thing. Already she is somewhat lashing back out at you having a baby with dad ...can you imagine how insecure she will feel if you guys tell her that she isnt biologically his.

I think she should know, and sooner rather than later.... But considering she just lost her mom, this news might be pretty tough right now. I'd say around 6 months or a year from now, when she's had a little more time to get her head on straight after her mom's death, but before she's old enough to really be in her resentful teens or tweens.
If she's already pretty comfortable with adoption, and already asking why Dad doesn't have photos from before she was three, I think it could probably come up in a pretty straightforward way... But kept in terms a 9 year old can understand - my BF's son's understanding is that "Mom had a different boyfriend when she got pregnant with me, so Dad wasn't my dad until I was a few months old". I don't think he really thinks about it much, but he knows and mentions the odd thing here and there. If he mentions something, it's usually about being Aboriginal (which neither BF or BM are, but his biological father is).

One thing I would say for sure though - DON'T tell her in December (If I recall correctly, that's when she lost her mom)

I agree now is not the right time to tell her. She has so much going on right now. This was just a general question as to when would "right" time, or if she should ever be told.
And I agree it is not my place to tell her, or be a part of that, but unfortunately FDH and his parents make it my place, and even guilted me for not wanting to be there when they told her that her mother had passed, as I did not see that as my place either. They all seem hellbent on making me 100% there for everything, and some things, I don't think I need to have a part in.

Gigglemonster: Unfortunately, FDH and his parents do not see the need for and counseling (for any of us or FSD) or parenting classes (I approached them with this the other day), but the steps I am making to better things are going to a parenting class by myself. I am also going to see a family counselor to see if I can get more info on how best to deal with, and help FDH deal with, FSD. FDH is honestly clueless on what it takes to be a parent, so I am hoping it will better us both.

Lisamarie posted before that SD lives with grandparents. SD lost mother. SD is going to move to FDH's house. Lisamarie is pregnant and there have been some insensitivity issues with this. Dad did not get immediate custody of SD because he was living with some other guys with no room for SD.

I think it is a horrible time to tell SD something. Things aren't going to smooth over for awhile. SD hasn't even started living with Dad yet. What is the benefit in this situation to tell her now?????

IMO, (I know I posted suggestions before, but here I go again with my big mouth) FDH and future SM have a lot of work to do. From proving to SD that they are stable and she has a place she can call home before going into this issue. There is a LOT of work to be done before this should come up.

In fact, Lisamarie, I believe that the grandparents hadn't even agreed to letting your FDH take custody?

I am really questioning yours and FDH motivation behind this. Not in a bad way, but in a serious trying to understand why way.

My neice is about your SDs age (I think she might be 11 now actually, i can't keep track the kids all keep having birthdays); she is not my brother's biological daughter, he adopted her when she was 3 or 4 when he married my SIL, her mother. She knows her own history, just in a matter of fact family history way the same as any other stories about when she was young or when her parents met or whatever. I'd say it's good that she knows-- she doesn't have any hangups about it or about her younger siblings who are biologically my brother's. So in general I'd say let them know as soon as possible in age-appropriate terms and in a matter of fact way not make a big deal. BUT in your case, I'd hesitate to jump in too quickly right now with that information... especially with the new baby coming, I'd be careful about piling this on too... oh dad's got a new daughter coming and oh by the way you're not actually his real daughter (not suggesting you'd actually say that! just the impression she might come away with since she is already struggling with jealousy about the new baby).

I agree with everyone who thinks she needs to be told the sooner the better... HOWEVER... the timing needs to be thought out carefully.

There are so many changes going on in her life of late ---mom's recent death, your pregancy & upcoming baby/baby shower, moving in with GP's, moving away from GP's (maybe), moving in with you two (maybe) and forming custodial-parental bonds with her father and step-parental bonds with you--- and the question is whether to have it all fall in her lap in one swoop, or to deal with one thing after the other, or whether certain events should happen BEFORE or AFTER she's told about her father.

For example: on the one hand it might be good for her to know BEFORE the baby shower (and/or baby's actual birth) that her not-totally-daddy's-little-girl status (which I think she probably already understands on some level, enough to have some anxieties) doesn't make her in any way inferior to the baby or any less part of the family, or any less loved. Maybe, then, the actual presence of the baby in her life will be met with less anxiety or adjustment problems related to the uncertainty of knowing where she fits in. Because it will have been clarified directly to her that she has nothing to fear. But on the other hand, this timing could make the baby shower/birth even MORE fraught with the issue of "which little girl is REALLY Daddy's or MORE Daddy's". She might continue to feel the fears & anxieties, regardless...

One majorly important deciding factor in this, as I see it, is your own and FDH's feelings of readiness, open-ness, confidence and ability to 100% welcome SD into the house/family and truly see her as one of your own. Regardless of *when* she comes, or how snotty she behaves. If she gets the slightest whiff that YOU TWO aren't REALLY sure you want here there YET... or don't really believe, or aren't ready to live by, the words "it makes you absolutely no different or less a part of our family", then it could be really hurtful and damaging. So I'd say FIRST you need to decide: EITHER you want her there and are ready to incorporate her into the daily affairs of your family (even if it feels "so soon") just like anyone with a bio-kid and "one on the way" would have to do... OR you don't want that, or aren't ready, in which case she should stay at GP's and THEY should find the time and place to tell her about her father.

I guess what I'm saying, in a nutshell, is that the worst case scenario would be an unintended message of: "You're not really ours... and we're not 100% sure we want you." Anything and everything possible to avoid sending her this message should be considered, even if it ultimately means that someone else besides FDH (or you) breaks the news. The goal is for her to be fully embraced and taken in by people who know for sure they want her there, who are fully ready to be her family, through thick or thin, no matter what, beginning immediately. The people in that role (whether it's you & FDH or GP's or whoever) should break the news because they would be the ones in the truest and strongest position to say and mean: "it makes you not one drop less important or less lovable or less a part of THIS family".

The breaking-the-news part a tough call, and not ever an easy thing for anyone to have to tell a child, even under the most predictable 'ideal' circumstances (if those exist). There's also the thing about "there's always drama and major changes in life"... but to a kid, some major changes are more major than others, and have different meanings and direct effects on them personally. I'm no expert, and I don't have an easy answer... just kinda thinking out loud about the circumstances and considerations to bear in mind... You probably should get several ideas and opinions on this and think them all through carefully...

Lisamarie,

Sorry I didn't see your other post before responding.

I'm passionate when it comes to kids, so if I come off rough I'm sorry.

They cannot make you do anything. Zip, zero, nothing, nada. If you know something is wrong concerning SD, don't go along with it. This is in her best interest.

Great - about the parenting classes. FDH should be taking them too and seeing the counselor with you as well.

I do want to ask -- Grandparents have not given custody to FDH right? Are they planning on fighting it?

Why does she need to know? That's my question back to you.

I would agree that she should be told at some point that her dad is not her bio dad. But why now?

In my mind, the last thing this girl needs to hear is that her dad is not her "real" dad. She's already lost one parent.

My DH has debated for a while whether he'll ever tell his sons (teenagers) that their mom initiated the divorce. On one hand, he wants them to know it was her doing and not his. But on the other hand, what purpose does it really serve?

Where is this girl's bio dad?

Giggle:

The custody thing is a big issue honestly. FDH's mother likes to use SD to hold over his head. For example, we found out (from SD) that his mother does most of SD's homework for her, and does ALL of her book reports. FDH went to her house and told her that was inappropriate, and they got into an argument. The following Friday, I went to pick up SD, and his mother cornered me and said "He better watch how he talks to me. He seems to forget I have custody and I am not one to be f**king with."

When she is in a good mood, she says we can have custody. When she gets mad, she fights it. When she found out I was pregnant, she tried to say we couldn't have custody b/c she was not going to have us "Paying more attention to the baby then to SD." Then she got over that and changed her mind.

She has said several times that she will not give us custody without a court paper. FDH knows this, and I did all the research on what we need to do to get custody through the courts. I am not the parent, so I can not do any more then I have, and I have told FDH what needs to be done. I have also told him that it can be a little bit of a process, so he needs to petition soon, but he has not mentioned it since. I think he really believes his mother is just going to hand her over in June when school gets out.

Needless to say, this whole custody thing is very frustrating!

btw, maybe my post sounds guilt-inducing... my intention isn't to rake you over the coals for having doubts. Doubts are to some extent normal. It doesn't make you a bad person if you're not sure you're ready for a live-in SD. It takes maturity to even admit the doubts. Point is, though, to put this girl's needs for a family, at this juncture, at the forefront of the decisions made regarding major bombshells dropped on her. And that doesn't just go for YOU, that goes for all the adults around her. It's ultimately good that you're being so open about your feelings and doubts. You many have to make an unanticipated decision, and/or you may find that you and FDH strongly disagree (i.e. if he doesn't have that many doubts)... but at least the issues will be better clarified so that the best decisions can be made for SD's living situation.

Wow, he doesn't think his daughter needs counseling with all of the issues you raised. That is a point of concern. I don't know about when to tell her about his not be her biological father, but addressing this topic in counseling would be beneficial. I applaud your effort to take things in your own hands. I can image your taking the parenting class and seeing a family counselor will be helpful for you and your interaction with the child, but for the long term, I don't know. This is his child and he should be making the biggest effort in this. I'm not a counselor, but I would hope your counselor will be helping you to get him and his daughter into counseling. This young girl needs a neutral person to talk with to help sort all the voices in her head.

It sounds like you need to talk with your fiance. You need to talk about your role in helping to raise his child. You need to develop some boundaries or things will only get harder. It sounds like you are fighting to do what you believe is right for his child and you are having to stand strong against all parties involved. You are bound to get tired. With a newborn on the way, you will already be tired.

I don't know what the right answer is here, but maybe the counseling will help you figure things out.

"It takes maturity to even admit the doubts."

Those are wise words. Don't forget them!

"FDH's mother likes to use SD to hold over his head." You might want to look at her motivation a bit differently. She's been raising this child for the past six years. She's the one, from a practical standpoint, who is the parent. Naturally she is not going to take well to him (or anyone) criticizing how she is raising SD. No parent appreciates having their parenting choices/skills criticized. (even when they're wrong!) (especially when they're wrong?)

Right now, my BFs XW has custody of their grandchildren, and BF is acting like more of a non-custodial father to them than his son, their actual father, is. This has been going on since about October... so 5 months maybe? significantly less than 6 years anyway... and like I said his X is the one who has taken on primary responsibility for raising them, and even so I think if his son had the nerve to criticize to BFs face something he did in regards to the grandkids, BFs reaction would be about the same as your fiance's mom... he doesn't like the way I'm taking care of his kids he damn well better get his act together and take care of them himself or get out my *&^%$ face about it. ((btw, if i came across a bit hard on your other post, this might be why, i'm a bit sensitive right now to grown-a$$ adults who simply can't be bothered to grow up be responsible take care of their own children... your fiance is of course not my BFs son so all things may not be equal...))

Quirk said "he doesn't like the way I'm taking care of his kids he damn well better get his act together and take care of them himself or get out my *&^%$ face about it"

In our case BM's mom has more or less that opinion when BM tries to tell her something about how she's taking care of A__.
And I'm really torn here - I think BM should be taking care of her own kid, not foisting him onto her mom to care for, so I agree with GM that if BM doesn't like what she's doing, she should take care of A__ herself... But I also see that BM is his mom and she wants what's best for him, so her opinion should matter and can see why she gets frustrated with her mom when she doesn't do what BM wants with regards to A__.

I've also seen BM's point of view a few times when she's been p!ssy with BF for something. I don't tell him that I think she has a point, I just smile and nod and try to suggest a compromise.

I just shared that so you won't feel bad about it if you see both sides of this situation, Lisamarie... Don't feel like you're not being loyal to FDH if you think "Yeesh, he's giving his mom a rough time here" or something like that. (I mean, if he is giving her a rough time for something that is...)

yeah, in this case it sounded like lisamarie's fiance had a point... sd not doing her own homework?... i can see why he'd be upset about that, and i can see why he'd say something... but that doesn't mean that because GM got pissy about it she's "holding the custody thing over his head", just that she's probably not thrilled about doing the heavy lifting of parenting and then getting criticized for it. just trying to describe the view from the other side.

I agree with everything said. And honestly, I do not think FDH has a clue. When FSD is here, I cook her food, wash her clothes, make sure she is fed, help her with picking out clothes, entertain her, help her with any school stuff, remind her to do her chores, discipline her.....EVERYTHING.

Several of her weekends here in a row, FDH decided to work Saturday's and she was my responsibility. When I would take her to a theme park, or a movie or something, he did not go because he doesnt like "that kind of stuff." I am the one who remembers all of her school functions, or else he would forget. Her birthday last year, I went, but he didn't go because it was at a build a bear workshop and was a Diva themed party. Her BM was still alive then and told SD she was going to come, but was a no show. She is doing the same thing for her bday this year, and he is NOT going again.

This past weekend she was here, I told him that me doing 100% of the parenting was stressing me out, and I would not do it anymore. I told him he needed to step up, effective immediately, and take over parenting his daughter. One of her chores is washing the dishes, and on Fridays she has a 10:00 bedtime b/c she gets up so early Friday morning for school. At 10:00, the dishes were all still in the sink dirty, and she had not showered, and was out back in the pool with FDH. She did not go to bed until almost 11:00 b/c she was doing dishes, and he put her to bed without a shower b/c it was "so much past her bedtime." We talked about it afterwards, and he claims he did not know she had a bedtime on Friday's or that dishes were part of her chores.

Can you see why I am so frustrated?!?! And yes, deep down part of me if hesitant to have her move in b/c I feel like I am 1000000% responsible for her, and I will have a newborn in a few months, and I am overwhelmed.

But I do have to say, it feels good to vent all that out.

Oh good stinkin' grief! This guy has got to wake up, man up and take some responsibility for his actions. If he wants to play daddy then he needs to do more than just PLAY. It's easy to be a buddy . . . it's d@mn hard to be a parent.

Perhaps you could sit down and make a list of the 'ins and outs' of parenting for him - all that you do to care for child. Present it to him and say 'these are the responsibilities that come with having custody of this child. They are your responsibilities, not mine. I am happy to help, but you have to take the lead.'
Then make another of all that will need to be done for your baby. Let him know that the two of you are equally responsible for them, but that there has to be some equality. You can not carry both lists on your own.

You have to see this through if you do. Just like with kids you can't threaten something and not follow through. . . . you lose respect and authority.

Changes MUST be made. I wish you luck!

WTH? Really? He claims he didn't know she had a bedtime? He never noticed what time she went to bed either?
And who did he think did the dishes - you? the dish fairy?
Yeesh.
I'm also mad that he didn't go to her birthday party because it's not his thing. SO WHAT? I don't give a crap about most of the stuff A__ and my 8 yo nephew like, but I cheerfully participate in it because it's important to them. My brother plays dolls and ponies and watches Bratz and stuff with his daughter, because that's what she likes and he has an obligation to participate in her life!

I think going "on strike" is probably a good choice in your case... But if he's really that clueless, he might need some coaching during your strike - maybe you'll have to point out things like "The meal you have planned has nothing green in it" or "She was up at 7 this morning, she needs to be in bed by 10" or "She didn't take a shower yesterday, she needs one today"... Help him along, but don't do the work for him?
Still play with her, do things with her, talk with her, and all that, but make her dad step up to the plate and realize what you do by making him do it!

Making a list is a good idea. He will not be home until later on tonight, so maybe I will work on that this evening.

And you made a good point about the threatening the kids....he is so guilty of that. When he is not home, and I try to discipline her, it is pointless. She was being HORRIBLE one night, so I grabbed her arm and walked her to her room (she even mouthed off to me and said "that didn't even hurt"), and later that day she went back to grandma's and immediately called her into the bathroom and told her that I "grabbed her so hard and almost pulled her arm out of the socket." After that, never again will I touch her, so I always tell her to go to her room and we will deal with this when her father gets home. He NEVER follows through with anything. He says "next time I am gonna do "fill in the blank" and the next time comes and he says the same thing again. It is ALWAYS next time.

Another thing I can't stand is when she is mouthing off to me and I am correcting her, he says "Can't you girls just get along?" or "why are you girls fighting now?" or "Let's just be nice to each other." It is like he puts me in the same category as her and talks down to me in front of her like I am at her level. We are definitely not a united front.

As for his parents, I understand that they have been raising her for almost 6 years now. But I feel like they are almost ruining her, if that makes sense. Every Monday, SD brings home a homework folder for the week, and GM does her homework while she is at school, and has the answers waiting for SD to copy in her own handwriting. SD has to do a book report a month, and she has NO IDEA how to do one, because GM does it all for her....the research, writing it, pictures, EVERYTHING. SD told me that she "typed some of a book report once" and that is all she knows how to do. Also, GM does not hold SD accountable for ANYTHING. A few of the other kids caught SD drawing on the seat on the bus, and told on her. GM got on the bus and called those kids liars in front of everyone, including SD, and said that "she would never do that and you all are just jealous of her." SD got in trouble at school for pushing a boy in the lunch line, GM called her teacher an idiot IN FRONT OF SD and said that the kid deserved it b/c he told SD her breathe stunk. SD got a bad grade in science, and GM told SD that it wasn't her fault, it was her teachers fault because she doesn't teach science well. The list goes on and on and on. When SD gets in trouble for acting up at my house, she blames it on ANYONE but herself. She lied to me once and told me it was her bus driver's fault from last year b/c he was mean to her. She was horribly mean to me one day, and said it was my sister's fault (who is in her 30's) who she hadn't seen in days. It is just so tiring.

I honestly do not know what to do.

I put this question to my son one time because of one of his friends and he immediately became angry. He said if I had kept adoption from him he would not trust me again, ever. He was very angry just thinking about it. I believe that as children they can adjust to it better than as a teenager or adults. There is always a chance someone else will tell him, it should come from immediate family.

Wow... ABSOLUTELY true that FDH needs to step up and do his share of the parenting!!! For some reason I wasn't getting before how much of the parenting load you are already taking on, even if it is part-time. The list of duties is a great idea, so he can see it in black-and-white. And it's also pretty outrageous that GM is doing SD's homework for her. You're in a tougher spot there. Maybe ---HOPEFULLY--- you can get FDH (GP's are his parents, right? I'm not clear on that) to talk with them about that. If they don't budge, that's really a tough one. Maybe telling SD's teachers in private and have them call her out on it (not TOO harshly but so she gets the message that they "magically know when it's not her work" and she needs to do it herself or else get bad grades). Just brainstorming on that one, not sure how I'd handle that...

And definitely the thing about FDH treating you and SD as though you were sisters ("you girls...", etc.) isn't good for many reasons. As you said, it breaks down the "united front" (as close as anyone can ever get to that, anyway... I'm not a believer that it's always possible ---or even always advisable, in every instance--- to be a 100% united front)... And it also sets up a distinct 'parallel' kind of sibling-ish relationship that can start getting a lot like sibling rivalry as she gets older. My Dad does that ("my girls", "you girls"...) with my SM and I, and I know he means it in some kind of sweet way inside his own mind, but it really comes too close to she and I being seen as sisters. Not a good scene.

Anyway, best of luck. You do sound like you care. You just have several challenges here that would be hard on anyone...

But I feel like they are almost ruining her, if that makes sense.

well, you're in the right place. There are a few stepmoms on here (not me i'm not actually a SM) who are just as frustrated with their SKs biomoms. I think I just want to make sure you're veiwing your in-laws more in that light-- more as your SDs other parents-- rather than as "typical" grandparents whose job it is to googoo gaga over the adorable little grandkids but butt out of parenting choices. You are in a challenging enough situation as it is, if your future MIL feels you are disrespecting her or what she's done for SD or are trying to take over, I'm afraid you're only going to make things harder on yourself. Obviously, you love your fiance, your instinct is going to be to stand up for him and take his side in any disagreements, but some discretion in how and when you fight those battles might be in order.

serenity: Yeah, they are FDH's parents. And we have tried to talk to his mother about doing the homework and that kind of stuff, and she immediately starts screaming and says SD is lying.

FDH is hesitant to discuss things with his mother because any time she gets mad, she says she won't give us custody of SD.

It is frustrating for me b/c I honestly believe his mother does not like me. When FDH and I first got together, the 2nd or 3rd time I met his parents, his mother and I were sitting on the back porch talking, and she said to me "He will always be my little boy and I will always be the number 1 women in his life." She pitched a fit because we moved into a bigger house, and it is 20 min further away from her house, and since I am the one who found the house, she makes comments that I am trying to "move her boy (my FDH) further away from her." THEN she got mad at me because I am changing to a closer hospital to my new house to have the baby at, but it is a further drive for her so she doesn't like it. She has also said she wants to set up an identical nursery at her house to the one we will have here because SHE WILL be having the baby at her house at least every other weekend. She has also recently told me that she will not give us FDH's birth certificate or old trophies and stuff until she feels we are settled enough for them. (We have a beautiful clean home, and a great relationship....I do not know how much more settled we need to be!) I tell FDH he needs to discuss these issues with his mother, but he never does. He says it is hard for him to get in the middle, and that is just how his mother is and until we get custody of SD I should just ignore her. *sigh*

Holidays are HORRIBLE. She gets mad if we spend ANY holidays with my family, and this past Christmas, we told her we would spend Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with them, but then we would have to leave to go to do Christmas with my sister and nephews, and she said "Those people (meaning my family) had you for Thanksgiving, so they should not get you for Christmas." We told her we were going, and she was giving us a time limit to be gone, and said we better be back at her house for dinner that night. The whole time we were at my sister's she kept calling and calling trying to rush us. IT MAKES ME CRAZY!!!!

She also resents me because SD is not the center of my universe. Spring break is this week, and my sister has had plans to go out of town this week for months, and I committed to watching my nephews. MIL called me and asked me to come with her and SD to a theme park b/c SD wanted me to go, and I told her that unfortunately I had a prior commitment, and she got mad at me and said that since SD wants me to go, I should cancel my plans with my nephews and do what SD wants me to do. She got a horrible attitude with me when I told her that I couldn't.

I wish I just never had to deal with her again!

Another thing I want to add is that MIL likes to talk bad about SD's biomom in front of her. I almost think she wants to make biomom look worse so she looks better. Example, BM died due to a heart attack caused by an overdose. When we were going to MIL's house to tell SD, I told FDH that I did not feel it was necessary to tell her that her mom OD'ed and if she asks, just tell her she had a heart attack. That is what he told her, and she immediately jumped into my lap and cried. About 5 min into her crying, MIL said "Hunny, you know your mommy was a druggie, and she took too many drugs and died." That made SD even more upset. Seriously, what the heck was the point of that?! She has always told SD that mommy is a druggie and an alcoholic and treated her horribly. All kinds of crap. I agree her BM was no good, but that was still her mother and she does not need to be reminded of that.

I guess I just do not get MIL's motives in a lot of things she does.

from everything that I can see the ONLY solution to this problem is going to be him getting custody of his daughter. Then, you two are in charge and you can tell gma to take a flying leap if necessary. The sooner the better I say... but then if it was me, my mother never would have had custody in the first place... even if at the time it meant moving to another place with an extra room and no roommates it would have happened. Once custody is taken care of with SD I would lay out firm ground rules with gma. One being you are not the mother of my child and more importantly you are no longer the custodial parent of SD we will make the decisions that we feel are best for both of our children. Gma may never change but the first and most important step is to get custody of SD and build a home together with DH sd and new baby.

Well, actually the first and most important step is to make DH step up and be dad and then get custody of SD. Have a very long detailed sit down with DH.. outline everything on paper all rules and responsibilities of his yours sds and so on address certain issues like "you girls get along" (Ofcourse I would have been highly poed when he did this to me and probably would have had some sarcastic statement later for him.. the first one that popped into my mind was "I didnt realize that you were such a perv? What, what are you talking about? Well, earlier you talked to me like I was your daughter and addressed both of us the same so I can only assume you see me as a child which really raises the question of why you would want to be with someone you see as a child? ... But, then my sarcasm gets me into trouble sometimes :-) ) Anyways ... I would think long and hard about my biggest concerns and issues and write them all down ... then make sort of contract with each other to follow what you have set forth together... then when sd comes over sit down and have another meeting with her you and DH... address all issues have them all written down ... same deal as with DH.. Maybe even tell sd on friday when she comes over Satureday evening we will have a family meeting to discuss anything you may have questions or concerns about anything you may be feeling or anything you dont understand or dont like... write down your thoughts and we will talk about them tomorrow ... that way she has time to gather her thoughts as well. At least this will hopefully open up the lines of communication better with each other (you sd and dh)

Let me get this straight.

Your FDH's mother doesnt like you, and makes it obvious, by causing open drama. Your FDH refuses to set boudaries with his mother, because he doesnt want to be in conflict.

Your future SD is having severe emotional problems because she just lost her mother. She is being clingy and needy, and upset about your upcoming blessed event. She has lived in another home for the last six years.

Your FDH insists that his daughter come to live with you NOW, but takes no responsibilty for the child rearing, leaving it all for you to do. He refuses to hear your concerns. He expects you to just do what he wants, and make everything okay ( probably the way his moomy used to when he was living at home) . He doesnt want conflict with his daughter.

You are pregnant with your first child.

You are moving into a new home.

You are feeling angry, resentful, overwhelmed and frustrated ( rightly so). I would suggest to you that the real cause of your bad feelings is not your mother in law, or your stepdaughter, but your future husband. He is not acting in any way grownup, and I seriously doubt that he, by the things he is doing, is indicating that he intends to change anything.

I think any problems in his relationship with his parents, or his daughter, or your marriage, are going to be blamed on you. I dont think your man likes conflict, and I dont think he is willing to work on any problems in an adult way.

Instead of wondering if you should tell your future stepdaughter that she is adopted, I would be asking some different questions of myself.

Firstly, why on earth are you marrying him? If you love him, what do you love about him? He isnt at all respectful of your feelings, and he isnt at all taking responsibility as an adult for his own life and his own circumstances. Are you more in love with the idea of being in love and being married than you are with him?

The man wont even consider therapy for a child in grief, or family therapy to help you all adjust to a difficult situation. The reason? HE doesnt think he is doing anything wrong. Its someone elses fault in his opinion, and if you ignore the problems they will just disappear.

I would put my foot down and say no, the girl cannot move in with us at the present time. The girl is better off where she is at the moment than being brought into an already tense, volatile sitution. Having a baby is not easy. You are going to be EXHAUSTED. It may piss him off and it may cause problems, for you to stand up and say no, but in the long run, giving in to his demands will cause even MORE problems, problems that will only get more complicated for you, your new baby, and your SD. None of you need that turmoil down the road.

I would also question the wisdom of buying a home before the marriage. SOmeone who isnt acting in a responsible fashion toward his daughter, his parents, and his soon to be wife, isnt the sort you can trust to play fair if there are problems. I would at least insist on the security of marriage.

Of course, from the wisdom of years, I think you are nuts to be not taking a break from this person, even if you are pregnant. I dont think he is ready to get married, and unless he can come to see that his current actions are , at best, blatantly disrespectful to you, I dont hold much hope for the long term future of your marriage. You are a doormat to him, and doormats get tired of it after a while. It just takes some people longer to get fed up, but I have never seen a doormat marriage last long term.