I have no experience with this kind of problem, but I would think that it's the best thing for the kids if both parents agree on the rules. Children like consistency and feel more secure if they know what is expected of them. Otherwise, they can play one parent off against the other. Can you both compromise and reach an agreement on the rules?

Why not get an opinion about counseling about your little girl from a third party? If she does need some counseling, it is no fault or lack on your part, but it may be the best thing for her. I think the younger she is, the easier it would be to correct any problem.

Try to be calm and work with your ex to make the best decisions for your children and ultimately for you. Good luck.

I agree with Blueheron on getting an opinion on counseling. If there is a problem, the sooner it's treated the quicker it will go.

I have to agree as well. I think it best when the rules are the same. Put yourself in the children's shoes, trying to remember whose rules to follow at the moment. That would be hard to do.

I can also relate the the situation with the counseling. My husbands ex put their daughter (who is has Downs Syndrome) through counseling for her eating and sleeping problems. My husband tried and tried to explain to his ex and to the counselor that the problems just didn't exsist when their daughter was at our house. She slept fine and didn't over-eat. I finally called the counselor and talked with her explaining that we simply insisted that my step daughter stay in bed once we put her there and that she never got food without asking. I insisted that it was a matter of my SD's bio mom putting her foot down and having some discipline. I love to say this: I was right! The counselor ended up counseling my husband's ex on having some discipline with her daughter.

If your daughter has some developmental delays it could directly relate to the battle between her mother and father. Counseling could help her with that.

Why not just get a third disinterested party's opinion? At worst, you could be right. At best, your daughter could get the help she needs to overcome her problems.

It's also important for me to reinforce that if your daughter does need help from a counselor, it's not anyone's fault. Childhood is rough, especially when parents divorce. There is a tremendous amount of guilt and fear. I think ALL children of divorcing parents should have a third party to talk to. It certainly can't hurt.

Good luck!
~P

I can speak from experience what different rules at different houses can do to the kids and the families.

My ex and I divorced in 1999. I was always the disciplinarian when we were married as he was too busy drinking and visiting crack houses and didn't have time for the kids. (yes he has stopped using - at least crack). I wasn't hard on the kids, but I did make them follow the rules and when they didn't there were consequences. No TV, time in room, etc.
Well, since the divorce, I have continued to follow through with the same type of discipline that I always did and he has none at all until something really bad happens. Of course the boys figured this out long ago. I hear the statement "I want to go live with Dad, it is more fun at his house" quite often. My 16 yr old recently said that he wants to live with his Dad full time because he gets to spend more time with his friends when he is with his Dad. (Boys spend 2 weeks with me and 2 weeks with Dad) We are still working on a compromise to his moving in with Dad full time. I do not want to give up the 2 weeks I have with him, so we are looking to move closer.
His Dad also bought him a cell phone last year because he never knew where he was and used it to find him when he didn't show up home at a decent time. I never had a problem with this at my house, but I wasn't paying for the phone, so whatever.
Kids have a bed time at my house, no bed time at Dad's, kids have chores to do, not at Dad's, no chores, no allowance, not at Dad's, etc.
So I guess what I am trying to say is, the kids need stability at both houses. Having similar rules is one way to accomplish this. You and your ex need to agree on the important things. Also if the child is grounded at Dad's then that needs to be carried over or completed at your house. This way the kids don't think they can get out of their punishment just by going to the other parents.
This is not going to be an easy thing. My ex and I can talk about it, but he will do whatever he wants. My 16 yr old recently told me that even when his dad and I were married, whenever I wouldn't let him do something, he would go to Dad and he would let him. Kids figure this out really fast and really young.
Try to remember, no matter how angry you are at your ex, the kids are stuck in the middle. Seeing their parents divorced is hard enough, but if they also see them cooperate when it comes to activities, they will also learn a lesson from it.
I also agree with the previous posters, it wouldn't hurt to have your daughter tested. It would also get rid of a sore spot between the 2 of you.

Good luck, it is never easy, but with a little effort on both sides it can be more palatable.

One of my teachers told me that her son once had trouble speaking. They sent him to a speech therapist. It helped her situation. It may just be the communication error that is the problem. Your daughter is probably just fine mentally but her speech may be what is the trouble. My teachers son was around your daughters age I think. So it is not uncommon.
AR_Dramaqueen, Don_na_na's daughter