My first thought with not being there when they divide the estate is ... lucky you

I went through this with both my parents... my siblings "fighting over stuff" ... when my aunt became ill and needed to be placed in a nursing home ... I told my siblings leave me out of it... if she wants me to have something fine but I am not picking through her stuff.

and bonus... they can't accuse you of being there to "see what you can get out of it" ...

Well, I hear you on feeling like an ousider loud and clear. The family specifically asking that YOU not be there is almost a slap in the face, but, they are grieving and until one walks in their shoes, it's not fair to judge. I assume that they all want to feel as comfortable as possible and perhaps, wouldn't be able to speak freely, show emotions if someone rather "new" on the scene is there. I am guessing that the other in-laws included have been part of the family for many years or see one another more often? I assume you've never had any falling out w/ your husband's family?

If this death was sudden, I'm sure they are in shock, too. The stepson's death was no doubt a real shock and while it wasn't fair to exclude you and make you feel rather worthless, I can't imagine anyone, of any age, having to bury their child. I believe everyone reacts the way they do to help get through the day.

I'm w/ cawfecup on the whole estate deal. Go have a day to yourself while they squabble about things. Was he a wealthy man? Regardless, money does strange things to people and it gets ugly - even if it's a small amount of money. I suspect there is some level of concern w/ your inlaws about you knowing their finances for some reason which is probably unfounded.

I buried my g-father suddenly 2 years ago and was devastated though he lived to be 93. My cousin's gf decided to fly up w/ us for the buriel out of state which was requestd to be in his hometown. (g-father lived w/ my parents, was to move in w/ me once my house was done and was very, very close to me) I viewed her presence as an intrusion. I never felt like she cared that much for my sweet g-father and she always tries to control my cousin. They've been together for years and she has pushed for marriage but my cousin won't do it. I've never really cared for her as she was always like an obnoxious mother figure, though at times, I was grateful for her being like a mother to my cousin since he needed it. Regardless, she sat behind my parents and I at the mass, sobbing uncontrollably. I was shocked and felt distracted from the ceremony, annoyed by her. I can't believe she was that broken up over my g-father's passing that she was the only one heard loudly crying during the service. (BTW, when it was the day to make all the arrangements, my other cousin, dad, husband and my 3 young sons did everything. We waited for this cousin and the gf to meet us in the hotel lobby, but they never showed. Turned out they went sightseeing. We were in a tiny town in Ohio, so I'm not sure what sights they saw...but they surely weren't there for us making the horrible decisions on caskets, flowers, readings, etc. My mother was too depressed to leave her bed.)

However, you are your husband's WIFE, and it really isn't fair to be specifically asked to "skip this one out." It would have been nice to hear, "I hope you don't mind, but as grateful as we are for you to be part of our family, we need a little time to ourselves as we sort out Dad's things. Please don't be offended and keep loving and supporting us w/ prayers until we get through this."

I'm just wondering about the family dynamics - do you not get along w/ any of your inlaws? I think I'd let time pass, then maybe later, ask your husband exactly what was going on that made you excluded while the other sibling's spouses were present if the time presents itself. But, they are grieving and I would just respect their wishes (but I'd be hurt.)

I wouldn't ask one question about money throughout this whole process, but I would let your husband know how sorry you are for his loss, and tell him that you are "on call" for him at any time should he need you. Then, go have a spa day, say a few prayers for the whole bunch, and try to not let this muddy your good marriage. Your being there through the years will later show this bunch that they could have acted a little more kindly towards you.

I don't envy your position - willing to help, but being asked to keep your distance. Stay strong, my friend.

Dana