Never too late?

18 years ago

So,

For those of you who know, how and at what point did you/FDH/FDW tell the other bio parent (BM or BF) that you were engaged/getting married?

We only kept it among very close friends and family just because we've never been ones to advertise. Now though that we're changing schools and that I'm being introduced as fiance where as the other places already knew me by name, etc. I'm wondering how it will be received if BM hears it from someone else. Should FDH tell her, and how do you even bring that up w/o them thinking you're putting it their face?

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Comments (26)

sandieanne
18 years ago
I think it depends on the relationship your fiance has with the BM. In my case, we didn't think it was any of her business (as she tells us anything to do with her husband is none of my husbands business- I could rant here, but I'll show some restraint) so we didn't tell her. She only found out because it was bought up in court. She even tried to get my SS on our wedding weekend, by some wording in the custody arrangement. We caught the trick she tried to pull, but it only hurt her son because he ended up having to miss a yearly trip to his grandparents around Halloween and missed getting to see his sisters. He was really upset. We were married out of state and were required by court order to give her the itinerary. We sent the itinerary via e-mail an hour before we left for the airport so she couldn't cause damage by calling the police or airlines or something- trust me- she would do it just to cause us misery.

If the BM in your life is like my SS's BM, and thinks everything that happens is about her, then she will likely see it as a slap in the face even if it is you trying to be respectful. You know your situation best. If you think she will be civil, then have your fiance tell her in the most respectful manner possible. Otherwise- why bother telling her- it's your life- enjoy your engagement and wedding no matter what comes.
mom_of_4
18 years ago
we attempted to have a sit down dinner to discuss that and other major things that were going on... BM wouldnt have it said "You know I dont like that bit** why would I want to go to dinner?" So, he told her over the phone. She then proceeded to tell him that she doesnt know what is going on in her life she doesnt know where she is at it is not like she hates me she is just having issues blah blah blah. However, less than a month later she started her nonsense ... not letting us see the kids etc etc. She was poed and even more so the first time we were in a mutual place that she heard my new last name being used so much so she snatched a paper out of my hands... I just looked her in the eye and shook my head. It was sad and ridiculous.

Your BM has already moved on (if I remember right) so hopefully that wont be a big deal...try the dinner thing if not just be casual... I just wanted to let you know before the kids that we are getting married. The date is such and such or we dont know a date yet. (And this really should come from fiance not you)
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imamommy
18 years ago
FDH should tell her and there's probably no way to control how she will take it. I guess the words he uses and intonation of his voice will be interpreted by her but sometimes people take things the way they want to hear it, not the way it's intended. But, it's probably best for her to find out from him, not a third party.

My husband told BM and SD before he proposed. Both said they were okay with it, but after we got engaged, BM started finding fault in everything I did. When that happened, SD also started having an attitude (probably influenced by her mom's attitude, but it's also normal for kids to worry that they are losing a parent, not gaining a step parent)

If your FDH's ex is still clinging to hope or hasn't moved on, she isn't likely going to take it well but he should tell her and it should be in a 'matter of fact' kind of way, not showing off the ring or gushing about how wonderful it will be or talk of how it will be good for the child, etc. She probably doesn't want to hear that. He should be simple and say 'keepit and I are getting married in June.' or if you haven't set a date, say this year or next year, whatever the case may be. I wouldn't offer up any details. Just put yourself in her shoes. If I'm not mistaken, she is the one that sent the text message and is now moving back to the area. She may not take it well at all.

Even though I left my ex, when he announced he was getting married less than a year later, it still felt like a slap in the face. I spent seven years raising his kids and he had started out giving me a ring and calling me his fiancee but it never happened. When I questioned him why he won't set a date, he told me he didn't think he'd ever get married again. When I left him, it was for a few reasons, but that was one of them. When he got married a year later, even though I didn't want him back, it made me question if there was something wrong with me since he said he would never get married again, then married so soon. I was hurt and angry and thank goodness we didn't have kids together. (he wouldn't let me see his kids after I left him and if we had kids together, it probably would have been a battle)

Since they have kids together, he owes it to her to be the one to tell her.
sieryn
18 years ago
Even though BM left with TOM she still had a complete fit when DH told her about our engagement (only to be topped by the fit she had when we had our first son).

He should tell her, if I were you I would stay out of it, wait till it sinks in and the dust settles.
lonepiper
18 years ago
The kids told my husband's ex-wife. Both of my stepdaughters helped pick out the ring and then they guided him through how they would want their own proposals to be (LOL!!!! - I'm very thankful that he didn't take me to the local mall!). It was the kids' news just as much as it was our news and they were at liberty to tell whoever they wanted.
keepitmovin
Original Author
18 years ago
Thanks for all of your perspectives.

I totally don't want to be the one to tell her. And another part of me in truthfully insecure at how he'd tell her. He is the type to try to avoid those kinds of uncomfortable confrontations but he'll still do it. I don't know if he'll be like "Um, I have some news... (somberly) we're getting married, etc"

I know I shouldn't care about that, but you know how we can all torture ourselves with this stupid images ... anyway.
sandieanne
18 years ago
No matter how it happens- don't let her control your happiness. It's your time to be excited and happy. Let anything that may come which may be intended to be harmful or negative, roll off your shoulders. It is hard to do, trust me, it is a daily struggle- like they say in AA- take things one day at a time. I believe we control our own happiness. If you focus on what is important to you and your relationship and your family, then you will continue to move forward in a positive, happy environment.
keepitmovin
Original Author
18 years ago
Best advice in how to "Keep it Moving" :)

Thanks sandieanne
finedreams
18 years ago
unless divorce is really recent why would X care if you are getting married. frankly no one's business. I don't care if X is married or not. of course if they just got divorced very recently then it might feel weird.
mrsmaddog
18 years ago
My adult SS told the ex and other SC:
"Dad has a a chubby new girlfriend."
*I was and still am; so is DH!--- we are working on that though :-)*
Then, DH told his ex Before he officially proposed that he was going to marry me.(He already knew my answer.)He also asked my kids if they were okay with the idea.I doubt if he would have changed his mind, regardless of any protests, but wanted any issues to be out front.
I really took SS's comment personally, until I saw all of his truly anorexic GFs. To each his own!
serenity_now_2007
18 years ago
Keepit--

I think the advice about telling the kids, and then letting the kids tell her, is the best. And it should be Dad that tells them, first privately, and then discussing it later with he, you and kids all present. There's no need for him to tell ex-wife directly if kids will tell her. This is better all around. Depending on the situation, ex might be caught off-guard being called up and told this (especially if it's you calling: bad idea, just comes off as blatant territorial marking). Even in the best of circumstances and with previous marriages long-since over, it can be an adjustment to find out about an ex-spouse's remarriage. Maybe it has nothing to do with any unrequited feelings, but simply a marker of years going by, and above all, concern for their kids' welfare in light of any changes that may be made. Even in the best of circumstances, being called-up unawares might elicit some kind of spontaneous response out of BM that she herself is surprised by. And depending on what it is, if it's at all embarassing or reveals any vulnerability, she is likely to resent that. FDH has a responsibility of course to tell his children directly and as soon as plans are officially in the works. But I don't think it would be a cardinal sin for him to avoid breaking the news directly to ex; in fact, I think it's more considerate.

Mrsmaddog-- are you sure SS really said that? Did you hear him say it, or did ex say that?
helenar
18 years ago
We have been married for months. DH hasnt told his family, kids or anyone. We had a nice Christmas and the bi**ch X let SD come over for one hour (it was the Bi**ch'es holidy).
serenity_now_2007
18 years ago
One more thing, on the subject of how to break news, how much to factor kids or ex into decision-making... here's my belief:

-Parent making a decision to marry/co-habitate does not have to get "permission" from children or ex-wife.
-HOWEVER... if s/he wants to keep peace and be a 'stand-up guy/gal' to all involved:
-Parent should make every effort to anticipate what any fears/doubts/conflicts might be on all sides and make every effort to allay those fears, in verbal as well as concrete terms...
-...all the while anticipating, also, that s/he is never going to "please all the people all the time"!
mom_of_4
18 years ago
I cant tell whether helenar is upset that she came over for only and hour or that she came over at all ??????
theotherside
18 years ago
My exH didn't bother to tell the kids until after he remarried (if he really did get married at all). He told them just as he was about to drop them off, having spent an hour or so at dinner with them without saying a word. The younger kids burst into tears. He promptly dropped them off at home, and they all came into the house crying.

That was definitely the wrong way to share the news.
mrsmaddog
18 years ago
serenity- SD had called and asked DH about me and she said SS said those exact words. Since we were a fairly new couple, I see no other way she could have known I wasn't as thin as SS prefers. I think SD enjoyed repeating that statement, as she is rather obsessed with appearances, her own and others. She told me I "only look fat because I have big boobs."
quirk
18 years ago
I don't necessarily agree with the let the kids tell point of view... although very situational dependant. BUT, if the kids are still kids not adults, and if there is any possibility whatsoever that the ex will take it badly-- interestingly, for all the reasons serenity said let the kids tell, I say don't. Maybe it'd be easier on the parents to not have to have the conversation directly, but it's not fair to a young child or teenager to make them or expect them to be the messenger of news that is going to upset their mom or dad.

I would have been horribly uncomfortable if my dad had expected me to tell me mom when he got engaged. My mom was depressed for a while after the divorce and even though I knew she didn't want my dad back, I also knew enough to know it would be hard for her to hear he was happy in a new relationship getting married. I don't know how my mom would have felt about hearing it from us not him, but even if it would have made things easier for her, **I** (getting my selfish teenager hat out of the closet now) would have hated it and resented the hell out of being expected to do it. It would not have been a good start to the whole step thing.
quirk
18 years ago
if kids are excited and want to tell and no reason to expect it to go over badly, I agree with lonepiper also, it's their news too. I'm not saying don't LET them, just don't EXPECT them to.
keepitmovin
Original Author
18 years ago
I don't think that SD can relay the message. Its not really understood or registered and something tells me that BM would prefer Dad be upfront about things. I mean, i'm not in any rush to let her know. I just wondered what everyone's experience has been.
imamommy
18 years ago
"I think the advice about telling the kids, and then letting the kids tell her, is the best."

I have to disagree Serenity. First, it may depend on the age of the child, but some kids might tell mommy and if mommy blows her top, do you think it's the best position for the child to be the messenger that delivered the message that pissed off mommy? I wouldn't want to put my kid in that position. What if she goes off on a tangent about dad and his new fiancee? The poor kid would end up feeling responsible. Bad idea.
serenity_now_2007
18 years ago
Those are all good points... maybe it does depend on kids' ages and how badly BM is likely to take it... I guess there are also ex's that might be mad if remarrying ex DIDN'T tell them directly...

Depends on circumstances, definitely.
justnotmartha
18 years ago
I have to agree as well that having the child break the news is likely not the best plan. Depending on their age and the civility of the situation they could be involved, but I believe the ex needs to do their own 'dirty work'.

When DH told his ex (at a pick up meeting, BAD TIMING)she freaked out, drove to her parents house to get to a phone before he got home to me, called me and started screaming that I was a wh@re and must be pregnant if he was marrying me. It was almost fun to reply that no, this time he was getting married just because he wanted to.

Of course, SD, then 4, was there for all of this. She already knew and was excited, so we worried these actions would change that. We were VERY fortunate that they didn't, but I doubt all are that lucky.
imamommy
18 years ago
I was sixteen when my dad told my mom he was marrying my step mom. My mom would go on rants about her... she's ugly. she's this, she's that.... I knew mom was jealous he'd moved on. It was bad enough to have to listen to it, I can't imagine if I had been the one to tell her... and I was a teenager, almost grown.
finedreams
18 years ago
I wonder if SKs called you chubby in front of their mom as to make mom feel better that dad supposedly is dating somebody who is not that good (not like chubby is bad, i am just thinking that maybe it is why-to protect mom. I don't think he could say tom mom: dad is dating this gorgeous, nice lady even if that's the case.). Do you understand what i am saying?

My BF's DDs always tell dad how awful and stupid is their BM's BF. i suspect that he is OK man, I doubt he is as stupid as they describe him, but DDs do it to make dad feel better. i don't know what DDs say about me to mom. Maybe that i am a midget(they are all tall people and I am short). hahah
mrsmaddog
18 years ago
LOL- I must be a chubby midget, then.
organic_maria
18 years ago
Keepitmoving,
when my DH and I got engaged we didn't tell his ex. lol...The kids came over one weekend and he announced to them we were engaged. We have nothing to discuss with his ex. I sure do not. And the date of the wedding was only given one month prior in a legal letter she was asked to sign to give my FDH permission to bring the kids out of province for our wedding. If she didn't give permission , i didn't care. i was not counting on anyone but us and the guests:) It would be the skids loss as far as i was concerned and my husbands. Biomom would look negative. She gave permission regardlessly. THe kids really wanted to trip and were excited to be part of the wedding.
We have an understanding in our house. We do not talk about the ex in front of his kids and i now a days really do not want to know any info on her part. SHe's disfunctional and negative and i rather not hear anyhting.
You do not need to tell ex spouses about your personally life unless the kids are part of the wedding or young kids are involved and there is shared custody..etc.etc...and telling in the end should be up to your partner who has the ex in the first place.

Never too late?

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