I posted this in the marriage forum (which is feeling more like a 'wanting divorce' forum) - as I had gotten into a bit of a debate there, but I am wondering if there may be some different perspective here.

In the other forum it was stated by one person:

That man forfeited his "right" to see his kids as soon as he became abusive. Period. He has no rights any more. And the kids are under no obligation to be abused (physically or emotionally) just because he's their sperm donor.

I wonder, are those same feelings carried forward to a mother who is emotionally abusive toward her children? (Or does the fact that a woman carrys the child for 9 months (give or take) make her the only parent that has a constant right to see her child?

I am not talking about a parent who has been convicted of sexually or physically abusing a child. I strongly believe that anyone who would sexually molest or beat a child deserves a punishment that our courts are unable to give out...I am talking strictly of emotional abuse here.

I personally do not agree that a parent 'forfeits' their right to be a parent in instances of emotional abuse. I think that a parent (regardless of gender) who is admittedly or assessed and proven emotionally abusive towards their children should be instructed to take counseling to deal with these issues, and if they are unwilling, then, in extreme cases, they may need to have their access supervised until such time as they are willing to admit and deal with their problems.

Maybe I should explain why this gets me so fired up.

I am a stepmother. My husband is a wonderful, loving father and husband. He has two children from a past relationship, and we have one child together.

When I moved in with him four years ago (his ex took off 2 years prior when she found out she was pregnant with baby #2), he was having his children over for a few hours, every other Sunday. (When she didn't refuse him access.) The relationship between DH and his children was one of the major factors of why I wanted to marry him. They were crazy over him. He was as involved as their mother would allow him to be, he was responsible (made sure his support was paid before any of his other bills) and he was always very gentle, patient and loving towards them. After a few months the daughter started to ask when they could stay longer, and could they stay overnight...DH asked their mom if he could see them on the Saturdays as well as the few hours he got them on the Sundays. She stopped his access for a month before Christmas (then her lawyer advised her she couldn't do that with the order that was in place.) We got another two visits in, and daughter started asking again. DH informed mom that he sould be applying to court for more time with the kids if she wouldn't agree to it. The next visit she accused him of drugging the 1 1/2 year old son, and went so far as to take him to the hospital for 3 hours of tests. When DH went to the hospital to see what was wrong with his child (after two phone calls from doctors), mom kicked him out...she had custody, so (in her opinion) he had no right to know what was going on. (The tests all came back negative, because we hadn't given him anything.) DH filed for joint custody. Two days later mom accused DH of sexually abusing the 3 1/2 year old daughter, and got his access stopped, pending an investigation. She put the daughter through tests trying to 'prove' what had happened and took daughter to therapists. After six months, the police finally closed the file stating that there was nothing to suggest anything had happened to the child, and the phychologist/therapist had told them the same. (I had been present at the past visits and I know that DH never did anything to either child. If he had I would have been the first to turn him in.)

That happened over three years ago. DH hasn't seen his children since. He has missed them everyday. Everytime he hears a young child say "Daddy" he searches the faces for HIS missing children. I should mention that they live less than a five minute drive from us, and he has to pass their house every day on his way to work. So close, yet he hasn't held them, or even seen them in over three years. He is scared that when we do finally get to see them, he will not recognize them, nor they him.

Now for the worst part...yes, it gets worse.

Mom has been 'teaching' daughter, for the past three years that daddy sexually abused her, and she was young enough that she now has false memories. (Daughter told a different therapist last year that DH is "Bad Daddy" and her new daddy is her 'real' daddy now.)

A young child has gone from having a true, loving, trusting relationship with her father, to now believing that she was abused. Unless some major changes occur, this young girl will grow up with the belief (and all the emotional scars that go with it) that the one man she should be able to trust implicitly, her father, has committed the most heinous crimes against her.

I would hope that everyone reading this agrees that this is emotional abuse. Both children are now displaying (according to the mother) behavioral problems that are related to an 'abuse' that never actually happened.

So what now?? Does emotional abuse commited by a mother forfeit her right to a relationship with the children? Does she become an 'ovi-donor' (like an emotionaly abusive father is a 'sperm donor')? Should the 9 months she carried the children be considered a surrogacy.

Even with all she's put these children through, I don't believe that is right. I believe she needs some serious help to deal with the 'reasons' she has done this to the children. But I also believe that the children need to have a relationship with both parents. I believe that since DH and I are willing to allow/encourage a relationship between children and mom, but mom is not willing to allow the same relationship between children and dad, that we should have custody, and that they should have counseling to help them deal with everything they have gone through (both the lies and the change of custody). I believe that until mom gets the needed help she shouldn't be alone with the children. But I still belive she should be allowed an ongoing relationship with them. Why? Because she's their parent. She may not be a very good one in some regards, but she is who she is, and she's the only blood-tie mom they'll ever have. I believe the same is true for dads.

Will it ever happen? I don't know. At this point I don't know if we'll even ever see them again. We'll never stop trying. They deserve to know that they have a father who loves them and misses them everyday (and a stepmom who does too). We keep hoping that one of these days the courts will understand what has happened and will make things right. Hope, pray, and keep fighting...but it sure is hard.

So now that you've seen the other side of the coin...what's your opinion?

As women, we are very good at grouping together in support of other women who (we believe) have been wronged. We offer support and encouragement. We get ourtaged when we hear of domestic abuse. (I think it a part of our nurturing instincts). And that is great...as long as we don't take our support and love for our fellow women and turn it into hatred towards men.

Women have made great stride in the movement for equality. In some areas there is still a way to go. In others, the pendulum has swung too far. In family law, women have been put on a pedestal, often taken at their word as though they were faultless in the breakdown of the relationship, and had hearts as pure as saints. The men in these same cases, are often treated as liars, and cheating, abusive b*st*rds, even if they good, upstanding men. Eventually, this will come back to bite all women.

How can a boy learn to be a good father if he never gets to know his? How can he trust a woman enough to have children with her if he grows up knowing that a father's only 'right' is to pay child support, but never see his children? (No man in his right mind would sign up for that kind of punishment.)

How is a girl to learn what kind of man to look for, if she grows up learning that men can't be trusted? How can she learn how to treat one, if all she is taught is that a man is a paycheck for 'her' children?

A father is not 'just a sperm donor' anymore than a mother is a surrogate or an 'ovi-donor'. It takes two to make a baby, and since both parents bring different qualities to the relationship (some good and some bad), both parents are needed (whether they're together or not) to raise the child.

That is why I believe in a childs right to a loving relationship with both parents. That is why I belive that access denial is child abuse.

(end of original post)

To all the other step parents out there who are having difficulties with your step children, please be thankful that, even with the problems, you are still able to have a relationship with them. It may be really hard, but I would give anything to be able to deal with two messed up, manipulative, angry, poorly behaved, etc., step children, than to see the man I love have his heart ripped from his chest every day and at every holiday, birthday, or shopping trip where he sees a little girl holding her fathers hand, because he hasn't seen his children in years.

I look forward to your (hopefully many) responses.

Sincerely

Verena