how far away is that he would have to move... couldnt he just stay at the school with special assignment and/or through the preference of having already estabished himself at that school... (both are things that our county does)

I am not as concerned about "losing the childhood home" only because things happen everyday... you could lose your job the house could burn down... there are a million reasons why you wouldnt live in that exact place ... home is where ever your family is at not one specific place or building. And more so, (and I didnt catch it at first) these are two adult children protesting a move away from a place they dont or will not live at very soon. They are not the ones to make that kind of decision.

I do however, share their concerns about switching schools only because high school is hard enough without being uprooted to a new place in the middle of it..

But, I think it was good that he discussed things with his children... he should take their opinions seriously but they should not make the decision for him. In the end he is the father and the adult in charge of his own life and should make the best decision for everyone involved. And, perhaps this is the best decision as he sees it. It wont exactly be easy moving a teen into your home that doesnt want to be there in the first place. I wouldnt consider their negative reaction as an absolute no... but I would (if I were in his shoes) make efforts to see if he could stay in the same school and let son know that hey I listened to your concern and I respected it so this is what I did and now this is the decision that I have made.

I, too, would be curious how far away the schools are. I couldn't exactly tell from your post how often BF is driving over to your place from his, but if he's already doing so on a frequent basis, he should be used to the drive and could therefore make the extra effort to ensure that his kid gets to stay in the same school. (In other words, drive his kid to his existing school for the next year or so until kid gets a car or friends with a car.) Which would please the kid, and SHOULD please his older kids, at least on that point (it would, in any event, remove that factor as an excuse if that's how they're working it). For the sake of peace and compromise, BF would be wise to consider it. It would also be a feather in his cap if other requests are too demanding. He can say: "I'm doing what I can to make this work for everyone. I've done this, this and this... I won't do that."

As for BF's older kids and the childhood home, maybe an agreement could be made where one of them (older SS alone or SD and her family) moves into it and pays BF a [reasonable] amount of rent on it. Or perhaps buys it, as in SD & family. (This isn't the best time for BF to put his house on the market anyway... lol). Or some such arrangement where they get to keep their "childhood home" but it doesn't become an excessive liability for BF. Then he can move in with you and not have to wait around three years, and everyone should be happy. To be fair, he should have plenty of discussions with his older kids about the house and any agreements they make. None of them should have anything "sprung" on them, because that could put you in a bad spot where you're the one likely to be the target of resentment.

Eject.

*For whatever reason*, he's made his decision.

Arguing the merits of the decision will only drive him to defend it, hanging in there in a situation where you aren't wanted will trivialize your own worth, *& you have a life of your own right now* that you'd lose trying to make this non-working situation work.

Banging your head against a wall will give you a head injury...
& won't make any difference to the wall.

I wish you the best.

We never make any decisions without discussing them fully with the kids. Granted, we may not always agree with them but they have a right to share their input and know that we are hearing their opinion on the subject. There have been many times that we've reevaluated our plans because the kids came up with legitimate arguments/concerns (this is also a great way to get my more introverted youngest stepdaughter to open up and to learn to feel confident in stating her thoughts!!).

Perhaps I missed it but what is the teenager's reaction? I noted the meeting with the adult children but not the reaction of the teenager...

i find it weird in regards to keeping "childhood" home. My BF's older DD lives out of state permanently, no plans to move back, and yet makes sure that the house where she grew up (where only dad lives now) is all arranged her way. She melowed down a bit but still makes comments how things have to be her way: remodeling, furinute, wall color etc.

Recently BF got tired of it and told her that if she wants things her way she should be the one to pay for it. lol

I could never understand attachement to "childhood" home. Should i demand my parents stayed where I grew up? weird.

I can understand attachment to the childhood home, certainly. But I do think it's unreasonable to demand that one's parents be responsible for or bonded to that attachment. In other words, if the children are more attached to the house than their Dad, and they are "gainfully employed" adults, it's on them to go about keeping it in the family. It would be nice if their Dad respected their desire enough to facilitate their doing so within reason (or at least not make it impossible for them to do so), but not at more than MINIMAL cost to his own decisions, happiness, financial stability.

Perhaps they think that they're also looking after him in a way? If he sells his house and moves into yours, I assume he's going to contribute financially to household expenses. Are you going to give him a stake in the equity so that if you break up and he has to move, everything he put into the house while he was living in it doesn't evaporate? It sounds as if you're not planning on getting married before he moves in, so it's not as if he would have the legal recourse he would have in a divorce.

If it were one of my parents, that's what I would be worried about. You and he may not be thinking, "what if we break up after we move in together," but it's something I would consider if it were my parents. Or if I had a son or daughter who was considering a similar arrangement. I might not tell them the real reason behing my objections, especially if I thought the person would dismiss any concerns about the longevity of the relationship, but that's what it would be.

And to be honest, I think that if you're seriously considering breaking up over this, they're right to be concerned. If you were so serious about him and thought you might want to live with him, why buy a house so far away from him? And why force him to sell his house to move to you, instead of you selling yours to move to him? You said that you always knew that you have to wait for his son to graduate from high school. Why should it make a difference if his adult children played a role in reinforcing the importance of waiting when he was wavering? Like it or not, it was his choice to say "no" to the move-in plan. If he really wanted to do it and felt that it was a good idea right now, he would do it.

but she doesn't say she's considering breaking up over the issue of the house;
she says:

"my boyfriend has "pulled the plug" on future plans. he now wants to wait three years for his son to graduate from high school before we're together"

Well, it's your life, not his kids.

But...

...until your BF no longer has a minor son, it's not completely his life.

Three years is not long.

It would go a long way to be gracious about this and agree with your BF's family that the 15 year old should not move schools until graduation. If this is a long term relationship, graciousness now will pay off later. If you and your boyfriend stay together for the rest of your lives you may have decades dealing with these people, so don't annoy them early on. A good relationship is worth waiting for.

What she said was that he pulled the plug by saying that he wanted to wait for three years before they're together. I don't see how saying, "we'll wait three years and then be together," is the same as really pulling the plug. It's putting things off.

And I think she did say that she was considering breaking up with him: that's how I interpreted her saying that she was ready to hit the eject button on the relationship. I can understand her reluctance to a certain extent, because three years is a lot of time and I wouldn't want to feel like I was on hold for that long, either. However, she said that they both knew that waiting was in the cards and she kept dating him anyway. If that's not what she wants to do, she ought to break up with him. I just don't think the problem is that his kids are running his life. I think the problem is that she's realizing that she doesn't want to live with one of the underlying assumptions of their relationship, while he took some input and decided that he wants to stick with the way things are.

Are you hoping to remarry? Because if so, its not going to happen with him. If you have older kids--your time to find somebody to marry again is really going to dwindle quickly.The pool of men your age drops every year.
\ In my opinion, there is a magic time in every relationship when you could marry; both of you are available, willing and enthused about doing it. If you get past it--you will find it doesn't happen at all. That must explain why friends of mine would live with a guy for years--they would have a fight and while separated he would meet somebody else and get married amazingly fast. His explanation would be--she wanted to get married and wouldn't put up with any other arrangement. Also there probably were not the same problems with the new lady, or they didn't know each other well enough to see the problems.
Your time and your affection are a precious resource. He is not motivated to change anything and doesn't want to make future plans. If you do--move on. It really is your life, but you cannot drift. I sometimes visit senior citizens as part of my work as a lawyer--the thing I hear them say most often is--I wish I had done things differently. I didn't have endless time and chances. One lady said"I thought I would always be pretty". I thought that was really sad. I am not really young and they are often impressed that I went to law school when my kids were in jr. high. One lady said "I didn't know you could do that".

I don't believe in allowing adult children to run their parents lives. I do not understand them NOT wanting dad to move or move their younger brother. They can want or not want, why is it even up to them? How can they tell their parents move or not move. i just don't get it.

BF's older DD was pissed off that BM moved in with her BF WITHOUT asking. haha BM said "oh well you don't like it too bad". As much as I don't like my BF's X I am on her side on this. Not children's business. I cannot imagine telling my parents I don't want you to move. I don't believe in children of any age running parents' lives.

but we don't know that the kids are running his life:
he said he discussed it with them, he said they aren't enthused, & then he said that he's decided to "pull the plug" on the relationship.

"We can be together in 3 years time" is like your employer saying you're "laid off".

OP can put this behind her & live a fulfilling life & BF can look her up in 3 years time & see if she's still available.

OP said :they did not wwant him to move and did not want him to get rid of the house. my reply would be: oh well, too bad you don't like it. instead of that he allowed them to run his life. out of guilt or what not.

reminds me of BF's X. her response to SDs' demands always is: oh well too bad. I am on her side.

How is not moving your son in the middle of high school a bad thing? Several people here have criticized mothers for moving their younger children out of a school district. He sounds like a man who wants to do what is best for his children.

He may be doing what's best for his child or he may be letting is children run his life, but what OP is being told is that she probably shouldn't waste her time waiting around for three years... there are other guys out there and the older women get, the less available guys there are (even KKNY has said that plenty of times). She was also told three years is not a long time to wait in the spectrum of life, if he a great guy worth waiting for.

In my humble opinion, if he is allowing his grown children to tell him what he should do now, in three years he will still have his grown children telling him what to do and that will also affect their relationship then. If he is truly doing it because it's best for his child, then she should try to be understanding and supportive. So far, it's the older, grown children that object to him moving. If it were the teenager that objected, then it should be up to him and his son to discuss it and come to a decision, not the grown kids that are out on their own.

Ima, I have also said it is important to make your own life and not be dependent on a man and I have also said getting involed with a teen in the house can be difficult. Changing schools may not be in best interest of teen. And yes Dad should have thought about that earlier, but if he needs the others to point it out so be it. Where my daubhter goes to school, once you move out of district, the child can only continue in the school by paying tuition equivalent to private school.

First of all, I think that moving a 15-year-old out of their high school would suck. Regardless of what the adult kids said (...and it isn't important what they think, IMHO), the truth is that it is a really bad time to move the kid. It's the right choice for your BF.

But as far as you're concerned, you have options.

1. Stay with BF.
2. Leave BF.

Since BF has made his decision, you now have to make yours.

Is he worth waiting around for? Can you live with adult children making decisions for him (and you) in the future? Remember, these are the GOOD years--dating. He's putting on his best face now (or should be).

It's time to make a purely SELFISH decision and know that you got what you wanted out of this relationship. Take responsibility for your own happiness and find it--whatever that may be.

If it's him--great.

If not, great.

Don't ever put your life on hold for someone else. There is no reward for that, no medal, no victory celebration. It's just a lot of empty highway.

Solomo,
You saidin your post 'he's pulled futureplans' Does that meanhe still wants to date you or isholding back until 3 years?
Personally. Youve dated him for only 1 1/2 yrs. The mere fact that he's made this type of decision clearly shows what type of person he is and where he stands relationship wise with his kids. IF you do not like this decision i would suggest to end the relationship.
THis man is pulled by his children. There is nothign wrong with it. He takes care of them. And he feels responsible until 3 years. BUT he should have told you that and not started a relationship until then.
Its your choice.
1. Stay with him, date him. When his son is 18 , he said he would move.
BUT alot can happen in 3 years. He can change his mind in 3 years too. So then what? Youv'e waited for 3 years???
2. LEave him. Stop dating him. Be friends or not. That is your choice too.
But i would have to agree with many here. Do not put your life on holdfor anyone. You will resent them! and you will hate yourself for it too.
You love him. Let him go for now. There is no pressure here. You said it yourself. you do not to compete. If he does let his kids influencce life decisions on his part, then you have your answer.
DO YOU WANT TO BE WITH A PERSON WHO CANNOT USE HIS BRAIN AND LETS HIS KIDS DECIDE HIS LIFE FOR HIM? Is that the type of partner you want? Do you want a partner that will blend with you, Be loyal to you. Have a life with you. Make decisions with you. His kids are adults except for one. He has an issue with it. So let himgo.

I am a little confused. OP was dating this guy for a year and a half, and buys a new house with no thought for 15 FSS school. I realize OP says the house was a bonding experience, but if I dates someone for 1.5 years (over age 21), I would at least have in the back of my mind the future. Did OP consider school for her own children when she bought the house (or are they in college)? I think OP's BF may have not have had a brain -- at first when he forgot about SS school. SS may be afraid to say much. He may see his Dad smitten with GF and not thinking of him. I question what was in OPs mind. It seems she has no concern re SS schooling.

Changing schools during high school can be awful! My mom left my sd the end of my 8th grade year. We had already registered me for the high school all my friends were attending and then we moved. So, I had to start my freshman year of high school in a new district, where I knew nobody!! My first day there I was crying all morning before I left wondering what I would do come lunch time (who to sit with). I made friends within a few days, but before that I skipped lunch and hung out in the library because that was better than sitting by myself in the cafeteria eating and looking like a dork.

Then my moms new boyfriend wanted to get a house with her the middle of my freshman year, after I had finally settled into my new school. So afte Christmas Break I started at another high school! I hated my mom and her bf for doing this to me. Fastforward to my junior year, I had to go live with my dad. And guess what....first day of my senior year I was starting in yet another high school! (my mother had gotton angry with me after moving in with my dad, who lived one town over. The plan was for me to continue my senior year in same school and use my moms address and then she called the school and said I moved! They let me finish my junior year, but said I had to transfer the following year!)

I can tell you it was really rough changing schools each time. If ss has grown up in that house and gone through the same district his whole life it is a huge deal to up and move in the middle of high school!

Would living in bf's home till the end of ss's high school years be an option? Maybe you could rent out your new home till then? Or maybe you two can continue on without living together until ss graduates?

I have to say that I am suprised you and bf decided on new home before thinking of the effects it would have on ss.

OP bought the house;
BF already had a house.

After OP bought the house, BF helped her with it & *then* they started talking about the future.

OP didn't have a "future stepson" when she bought the house.

I've found that the longer something takes to come to fruition, the likelier it is to fail.

Three years, especially after 1 1/2 years, is too long to have your gears stuck in neutral;
if the relationship isn't going forward, it'll become banal, BF will get bored, & he'll find someone else, & OP will have p!$$ed away 3 years of her life.

If OP remains in this "relationship" (hazy on exactly what the relationship actually amounts to since BF has "pulled the plug"), not only could she miss out on a man who's actually available, which BF is not, but BF will go on down the road...& it sounds like he's already told her that that's what he's going to do.

He's backed out.

She needs to go somewhere else & do something that'll work for her, man or no man.

ok, I misunderstood. I thought they bought the house together and then he started backing out and I was thinking they should have thought about the ss before buying the house.

If you bought the house and then he started talking future and then he backed out I have to agree with Sylvia. Maybe you need to re-think where this relationship is going....

Sylvia, a year and a half is long enought to know if the relationship is going anywhere. I am not saying book the hall, but if you are interested, dont just buy a house without regard to future SCs school.

Why would you buy a house just as you are becoming seriously involved with someone?

From where I sit, all this is being made into a more divisive issue than it needs to be. By BF, apparently because he has not thought through various options, and by OP who hasn't either and who is letting emotions overrule reason in this instance. Not faulting, you, OP, for having an emotional reaction to being told you might be "on hold" for three years... but I want to encourage both you and BF to consider the *practical* aspects here. Because I really think BF said what he said out of not knowing, at that moment, a better way to please everyone. Mean are TERRIBLE about not wanting to be in the middle of conflict. No matter how much they love you, they would sooner run from being in "the middle" than deal with it. But here's the thing: what exactly is he in the middle OF?

Here's the way I see it:
-It's on BF and SS to figure out ways to keep SS in school (i.e. BF drives him there for another year until BF gets his own car). Shouldn't be an issue for you at all. Period.

-It's on adult FSK's to work something out with BF wherein they get to keep the "childhood home" in the family at no (or neglible) cost to BF (i.e. BF decides not to put his house on the market but to retain ownership of it and have whixhver of his kids is living it pay him rent OR he sells it outright to one or more of his kids). Again, this should not affect you at all, since it will "zero out" as far as BF is concerned. He will be able to move in with you now and have the exact same financial situation as he did before.

So where does the conflict lie, exactly? Both of these things can be arranged to not take anything away from you, BF, or the kids. Which end of this rope is being tugged, and by whom?

If you are upset because, in a moment of frustration and failure to consider alternatives, it appeared that BF wanted to back out, that's one thing. Yes, it's extremely difficult to deal with any person who avoids conflict and doesn't try practical reason to find solutions to problems.

But if you are upset because BF's children raised concerns, and BF listened to them, you're going to have to get over that. The answer isn't to tell him/them/yourself they have no right to RAISE CONCERNS. (They don't have a right to TELL HIM WHAT TO DO, but they have every right to raise concerns.) They are his children and what he does has effects on them just as it has effects on you. Try to see this from the same perspective as we have all looked at other questions of "informing" or "discussiong" vs. "veto power". When there is more than just you two involved (and heck, even when it is just you two), there will be conflict, there will be factors to consider, there will be a need to find solutions that work as well as possible for everyone involved.

If you ---or for that matter BF, or any of his kids--- are unwilling to consider practical solutions where no one has to lose, especially when they are pretty darn obvious, it suggests that someone wants the conflict to continue because they want to see who will come out "ON TOP" of it.

After re-reading your post, OP, two other questions/comments:

-You wrote: "what he got from his adult children was a VERY NEGATIVE RESPONSE. not only do they NOT want him to relocate their little brother to a new school and the issues that could arise from such a relocation, but they also do not want to lose their childhood home. these adult children have always been wonderful to me. but since this discussion with them, i feel as though the relationship is strained."

I think you make a leap when you interpret their raising these concerns as "A VERY NEGATIVE RESPONSE". Especially if they are otherwise "wonderful to you". Could it be that the reason you feel "the relationship is strained" lately is because your reaction to their concerns is negative?

-You wrote: "i was surprised he would take them dinner to discuss this, but respected his decision."

I am curious: because you made a point of mentioning dinner, was it the fact that he took them out to dinner that surprised you, like in itself, the fact that he wanted to discuss these things with them at all, or the fact that he felt it was an important enough topic to merit a dinner out over?

-Also, you mention that you have two children yourself. How will you (or *will* you, or *have* you?) discussed any of your future plans regarding BF, with them? How will you respond if they raise certain concerns (i.e. sharing the living space, or any alteration in visiting plans, etc.)? If they raise such concerns, will you see it as "a very negative response"? Will you feel any obligation to try and figure out a way to at least partially resolve those concerns?

-Finally, how will you handle it when there is a decision (or pending decision) made by or relevant to your future SK's, which you have concerns about affecting some aspect of life important to you? Do you think FSK's might view it as you "deciding their future/ managing their life" when/if you raise those concerns?

Solomo bought the house regardless of who she is dating people! She bought the house and while working on it with her Boyfriend, a light came on and an idea was past. the idea was rejected and the boyfriend backed down.
As for discussing anything..lol..Gilfriends kids 17 and 20 year old which she has stated do not run her life. And GF is not manage sk's life here. LOL...Obviously solomo has raised her kids with different values and also has a different relationship with her kids when compaired to her BF.
BF is lettin ghis kids run his life. So..he may as well be left alone until he grows a pair of balls.
Solomo, if he has backed down, then take a step back, enjoy your new house with your kids and find someone who is not afraid of life itself. Your BF should have thought of his 15 year old son before he began to date you. Also his other son of 24 is more than old enough to move out and be on his own. Plus his daughter who has moved out should not cling to a house that she left. If she wants the darn thing ot stay in the family then maybe she should buy it.
The whole thing to me just raises too many flags. This man is not ready to blend with u. Find someone more deserving. There are many men out there.

I do not understand what is the big deal about changing schools? My nephew changed schools in his senior year and does just fine. Bunch of people move, what is all the fuss about. High school is just high school, place to get high school diploma and move on. Those 4 years no matter how important will be over, life just starts! i don't see a tragedy.

Unless of course this boy has a severe disability and attends some special program that is unavilable in other atreas. other than that...what is all this about?

Maybe dad found excuse to not commit because kids don't want him to, so high school issue conveniently came about....

Some children can handle a change of school well, some dont. I wouldnt take a risk with my DD changing high schools. She doesnt have a severe disability.

Changing schools, especially high school, is a big deal, both socially and academically. All too often, you find that everyone else took biology in ninth grade, while you took introductory physics, or something similar.

many people move. life goes on. people get over it.

and TOS, it usually all evens out and even with the different curriculum everything is going to get adjusted. even when students move from foreign countires and start high school in the US in 10, 11, 12 grades they still graduate on time. everything is taken in consideration. school districts make sure that transfered students graduate on time no matter where they came from. even if your transfered credits do not match. credits substitute for each other.

putting your life on hold for 3 years because of a high school change is ridiculous. both of you just want to stand against OP because she dared to want to marry a man with kids.

Unless he is going to be transfered to a dangerous area I see it as an excuse: excuse for children to control their father and for father do not make a commitment.

Changing schools in the middle of high school is extremely traumatic . Academically a kid may recover, but the loss of his or her social group is profound at that age. I cant imagine anyone who has ever had kids not being able to understand that.

If this couple is actually in love, why doesnt she move in with him and the boy for the few years until school is done? Why should the youngest child, the fifteen year old, be made to change his life around. Three years is not a long time in the bigger picture , especially since the couple has only been together a year anyway.

I am wondering why marriage is being pushed after only a year and a half. It takes a lot of time and understanding and compromise to have a new stepfamily with teens.

I wonder if OP didnt put her foot down and insist , and thats why the guy backed off. No one likes to be forced into choosing between their children and their love.

I think graduating on time is a minimal standard. Students may miss out on the opportunity to be in honors classes, to be on athletic teams, may have trouble finding friends -- may fall in with the wrong friends. I am glad your nephew did fine, but I don't think a parent can count on it.

Kathline, I agree with you that *someone* is digging in their heels and pushing something unreasonable. On somebody's part (maybe more than one person), this is a power struggle, the point of which is to "win", not to have the stated need/desire accomodated. It may be the OP, **OR** it may be any one of the kids, or it may be BF. But someone is not wanting to look for compromises or solutions. Either:

-teen kid is not only pushing to stay in the same school (easy enough for BF to accomodate, I presume, unless the schools will not allow it if kid moves too far away...) but is pushing to stay living in the same house (BF's old house)

-BF is unwilling to schlep his kid a few more miles for another year to keep him in the same school

-adult SS living with Dad (rent-free?) doesn't want to move out somewhere where he will inevitably have to pay rent AND/OR has genuine attachment to "childhood home" but not enough resources to buy it or pay the rent to live there (although if he's "gainfully employed", depending on how "gainfully", this shouldn't be a problem long-term if he is given plenty of notice)

-adult SS and/or adult SD refuses on some kind of principle to pay any money to keep the "childhood home" in the family (which, imo, as long as their father is alive, is unreasonable; one thing to expect it to go to them free-of-charge after father should pass away, but even then there's no guarantee it will pass to them anyway, and even if it were, there would be SOME expenses involved...)

-OP is insisting that BF won't pay xtra gas money to drive his kid the extra distance to school (this is presuming BF is willing to)

-OP is insisting that BF try to put his house on the market, the sale of which would be an immediate and full lump sum, earmarked for a particular expenditure (which BF disagrees with, or else it would be on the market yesterday, with no further discussion)

...bearing in mind there are many factors we still don't know in this situation:

-how far away the OP's house is from BF's (and the distance between the schools)

-other issues between Bf and OP that this may be a smokecreen for

-financial circumstances on anyone's part that would preclude either BF being able to rent his house out to his son (we don't even know if son wants that), or son being able to pay... or anyone's credit issues, etc. (My hunch is that it's the possible sale of BF's house that is the real issue here, on whoever's part... or all of their parts... because this is where the most money, emotional attachment, and sense of control over BF's/SK's lives is located...)

-we don't know exactly how young SS and adult SK's requests were put... or if they were more like inflexible, unreasonable demands...

-and we also don't know what OP said to BF in response to all this... whether anything was an inflexible, unreasonable demand...

Serenity,

Where I live, if I moved out of our teeny tiny 2 mile square school district, the only way to keep my DD in that school would be to pay tuition of about 18K per year. AND it would only be if space available. The only arrangement they have is if the child has been attending and moves out for senior year they will allow tuition arrangement automatically. And trust me, they do check. They use private investigators if necessary to see where child is actually living. If one parent lives here fine, but if not, you have no right to send child to school here. It is a big deal. And the same throughout the county.

Moving a child that is in high school CAN be traumatic for them but it could also be a blessing for them. I have always been quiet. The community that I grew up in was fairly a wealthy one and mostly everyone was white. My being half Mexican, I had long dark hair and dark eyes. I was teased all the time and called 'indian sqaw' because I was shy and an easy target. I hated it there and was thrilled when my parents moved me away. It was still tough to be shy but they moved to an area where there was more diversity. It wasn't easy to adjust but I was no longer teased every day. I made friends and life goes on. We moved because there was a recession and my dad found work in another county. My parents were still married and a year later when they divorced, my dad moved back to the town where I had grown up. I could have returned but wild horses couldn't make me go back there. And the schools there were better than the one I ended up going to. Not everybody loves the high school they are going to and wants to stay because of their friends. That is why I said, if her boyfriend is truly staying because of concerns over his son, then he should talk to his son. If the son objects to leaving his childhood home, OP should be supportive of that because it is hard on teens to leave if they really don't want to. If she forces it and wins, she'll have a resentful teenager in her home and the next three years could be miserable enough to break up the relationship anyways. But, he may not mind leaving and maybe it's his older siblings that have a problem with it. I know my older sister had lots of friends she didn't want to leave behind. Each child is different and the only way to know is to ask the child that will be affected.

and another thing

I moved my kids away to where we live now when they were all in high school. It WAS hard. I didn't move for a relationship, I was single. I saw that the community where we lived had a high rate of teen pregnancy (highest per capita in the state) and the problems with teen violence & gangs was getting worse. It wasn't a city, it was a rural farming community. They were angry and resentful when we first left and four years later, they've become thankful. They have kept in touch with some of their friends on myspace and most of the kids (boys & girls) have had at least one baby, are on drugs or have been killed. So, sometimes it's also better for the kids to get away from a bad situation when the kid doesn't even realize it's a bad situation. Had I stayed, they would have had all their friends, but they would have most certainly turned out as different kids. and they are glad we moved now that they see what's happened with a lot of their friends.

So where's the OP?
There are a couple of key questions, I think, that need to be answered:

- Is it feasible for BF's son to continue to go to his current high school while BF lives at OP's house? District zoning, policy, distance, tuition, transportation, etc. Is it even an option? Because that's an important consideration.

- And is it feasible for BF to somehow keep his house? Rent it to the older kids or to a stranger?

No, the adult kids should not dictate Dad's life plans.
But they should be conculted, and their opinions, if well-thought out, should have some weight.
Three years is not that long in the grand scheme of life if it gets you what you want.
But it's a long time to waste, or to risk even, if the odds are against you.

Hmmm... maybe I've underestimated the challenge involved in keeping him in the same school, at least from the legal angle...

All I can say on that is that if it ends up being that he has to change schools, I would hope that both BF and OP would do everything they could to ease the transition. Make sure he has access to his friends from the other school, and drive him to go see them until he (or any of them) gets his own car. Scholastically, make sure he gets extra tutoring if there is a discrepancy or gap in his curriculum. In short, be aware that ---even though this situation shouldn't dictate his Dad's relationship with OP entirely--- it WILL BE a big deal for him, and he will need understanding and support. While BF doesn't have to "let his son run his life", he should be extra considerate when his own life means big changes and adjustments for his kid.

Beyond normal transition into high school, etc, I moved schools twice because of my mom's marriage to my stepdad: first when they got married, then when my stepdad's job relocated out of state. No, it wasn't easy, and no I didn't have any say. Yes, there were some issues for a while, specifically with a tension between he and I concerning my grades and him being probably harder on me than he should have been and not always having total sensitivity to what I might be going through. Those weren't the easiest years, all around... But overall it worked out okay with no residual problems or bad feelings between my stepdad and I. We get along wonderfully now. I guess the reasons for that (which may be different than in OP's situation) are:

-I had actually moved a few times even before my mom & SF were together, so the place I was leaving was not the only "childhood home" I had.

-As it happened, my very best friend, whom I spent the most time with, never went to my school anyway (she lived on the other side of the city). So I was used to that.

-Here's the most important factor, imho: There's a big difference when the person a kid is "moving house" to live with (along with their parent) is committed to taking on an active parental responsibility for that child. When it's a person who really loves kids and is excited about the prospect of forming a blended family and helping raise children. My stepdad became a primary care-taker, along with my mom. And he was the primary breadwinner. (Maybe it's different when an SF is the breadwinner vs. when a SM is, because there's less "role conflict" due to societal conditioning. Meaning many breadwinner SM's will resent having to pay for things for their husband's kids, whereas many breadwinner SF's see that as just what a quasi-father-figure does.) It's easier on a kid, ultimately (if not immediately) when they move into a situation like mine was because, even though it's a rough transition, they learn pretty quickly that the new SP figure is commited to being there for them and will not treat them as anything less than their own child, with all the responsibility and care that entails. They eventually realize that their life is better with the SP figure in it than without him/her.

So, OP, if the kid has to change schools, try your best to at least give him the well-being of your embracing him in your home.

thank you all for your feedback. sorry for not replying.. i thought i'd get an email when responses were posTed to this forum.

Here's are answers to a few questions: OP lives outside of SS's school district (further than me) and that's not an option.

my BF spend 3-5 nights per week at my home. so i'm concerned about the amount of time he spends away from his home. most weekends, his son spends weekends with the OP. however, there are times that he doesn't. at times, he hides this from me and i find out later he's been home alone. i bought my home because i had been renting for several years after my divorce and didn't want to waste anymore funds doing so. but i couldn't afford to buy in the exclusive town i lived in, so i moved a few minutes out of town & arranged with my ex for my youngest daughter to use his address so she wouldnt have to change schools in her junior year in highschool. i bought her a car & she drives to school everyday. when i was househunting, my BF DID have input in the home and i did buy a home that was MUCH larger than i needed. we kind of started to see where we were headed and knew we wanted to be together. the move and renovations accelerated all of this. when i said he "pulled the plug" it was not on relationship, it was on future plans of living together. however, this has had a huge effect on our relationship. i've come to the realization that his kids "run" his life. i'm concerned that in three years they'll protest about something else. so i've basically told him that i can't promise i'll be around in three years... because a lot can happen in 3 years. he's truly a wonderful man and worth the wait, but i'm honestly afraid to put my life aside to listen to a bunch of big kid crap in a few years. for now, it's obvious he "jumped the gun" by not thinking it through before he asked me about living together and then talked to his older children. BY THE WAY, he has never discussed this with his youngest son who would be affected by all of this. Never! As for me, i discussed it my children, who really like him and feel it would not be much different since he's here all of the time anyway. i think he's caught in a bad case of trying to please everyone and make everyone happy. so for now, it's all in limbo. a great guy YES... and great limbo session... NO

Do I understand this -- you were concerned about your DD changing schools in her junior year, so you made other arrangements for her? But you expect your BF's son to change? And my guess is the quality of schools where you live are lesser -- as you say, you bought a house where you could afford it. Yes I think he jumped the gun, but I also think you should have seen this coming. Maybe there is a reason he never discussed it with his younger son -- that he knew the younger child would have issues.

i see your point. the quality of the schools aren't lesser. the school here is actually better than my daughter's school. but she's very involved in 3 varsity sports & does well...and i didn't want to change her at this stage. i think he at first thought that his son would be better off at my local highschool & it has much more to offer. but then his kids helped him realize the reality of relocating a teen. sigh!

kkny I think the problem is that BF at first said "yes" and then when OP is all full of plans he says "Oh woops, kids are against the move". This makes no sense. it is important to consider children's schools but couldn't he do it ahead of time?

no, waiting three years isn't worth because I can guarantee 100% that kids will come up with something else to run dad's life.

and if he is 3-5 days a week in your house, he is not taking care of his son anyways. so it is not OK to change schools but it is OK to spend 5 days a week in GF's house while son is on his own? does not sound right to me. if he is that carrying and involved with kids, then he would be sitting home not going to GF's.

and btw where is the kids' mother? why wouldn't the kid go live with mom. maybe schools are good over there.

oh and btw the "kid" who is 23 and still lives at home probably does not want to lose "free rent" dad's place. and yet he has an opinion about schools. hmmm

Well I understand BF not want to move the kiddo out of his high school, that is why when DH & I married I gave up my home and moved into his, as I was homeschooling my son through 9th grade and he went into high school successfully at the same high school that DH's youngest was in.

So I do agree with him not uprooting his younger son during high school. However, a far as losing their childhood home ,etc...that is jut not realistic.

From my experiences I wold say if you know you aren't going to be happy waiting 3+ years with no definate plans of marriage after graduation-get out now.

And as far as whose life is it? Well, it won't be just yours if you stay together, that's a fact. It's very difficult especially when adult s-kids are not very positive towards your taking the relationship to marriage or long term.

If I knew then what I know now I would have stayed single, kept my home and just kept DH as my BF indefinately.

I love him, I really do, but I'm just sayin....do some critical thinking here about your future.

Solomo, I think it's very important for everyone involved in your situation (which includes your BF, his kids, and you) to contemplate the boundaries/difference between one (or more) party "running" anyone else's life, as vs. having their own separate legitimate concerns which may at times intersect or conflict with anyone else's.

When it's the person raising a concern (again, that can be any one of you all, and sounds like it has been), s/he should ask him/herself "how much do I want to insist on this particular concern being made to go my way? Is it too much to ask? Does it require that everyone else suffer excessive pain, discomfort, expense or upheaval? Or can I bend a little and a workable solution be found that more-or-less pleases everyone?" (Example: BF's 23-year-old DS who lives in the house and MAY ---we presume, but we don't know for sure--- be living there rent-free, asking his Dad to keep the home, at least partially, for him to continue to enjoy that living situation instead of ---again, we presume--- figuring out some alternatives for saving money.)

When it's the person *hearing* the concern, that person should ask him/herself "Is this person really just trying to 'run' my life, like, for the heck of it, or do they have a valid concern, based on the fact that they inhabit a different life, role position and set of circumstances from myself? If I look at truly from his/her perspective, might I have the same concern? Would I want it to be seen as 'running' anyone's life?" (Example: your DD's school needs met & worked around; BF's DS's school needs seen as an unreasonable demand.)

Simply put: whenever you put more than one person in a living situation, or a room, or any relationship whatsoever, they are going to at times have separate needs and concerns which will be at odds, to varying degrees. Conflicts are inevitable. If you always interpret these dilemmas as the other person wanting to 'run your life' (or anyone else's), you will not long have a harmonious situation. (Kids or no kids involved, any relationship of any kind.) The goal isn't that everyone should always want the exact same things or be thrilled with every little thing you do or are; the goal is to learn how to gracefully handle conflicts when they occur with a mind towards everyone getting as much of what they need/want as possible and as little anguish/cost as possible. This seems to me to be priority #1 to figure out in terms of your relationship with BF (or anyone), not trying to play guessing games about how his kids might mess things up one day.

Well I understand about the not moving the kid to a different high school, but trust me if he is placing the wishes of his adult children before you and not making future plans with you about your life together because of grown adult kids-It will not get better if you do marry.

I know this first hand. I'm with Sylvia, get on with your life, if you run into him in 3 yr.s and your both available-fine-though I would be very cautious as two of his kis are grown and still not wanting dad to move on with his life.

I wouldn't encourage any young woman to get into he situation I got into. You've got your own house, job, life. I'd move along and be happy, before your hurt even more. Why get married at all? Financially it really isn't worth it anymore-emtionally you can have a good relationship without marraige and living together. Unless you have religious reasons, why bother?-go have fun, travel, see the world!!

Don't settle for what he's offering-which isn't much.

If your boyfriend is spending 3-5 days a week at your house, the 23-year-old is probably shouldering a lot more of the responsibility for the 15-year-old than is normal for someone that age. If he wasn't there, the younger one would be on his own during that time, wouldn't he? Hopefully both the 23-year-old and the 15-year-old are mature, and the 23-year-old is actually home most evenings and is a good deterrent.

It's good that you're worried about the fact that your boyfriend is leaving the younger one on the hands of the 23-year-old so much of the time. In your shoes, it would trouble me first that he does it at all and second that he was hiding it so that he could keep doing it. It doesn't speak well for his character or his sense.(Just ask the fire department about the one time my 17-year-old brother was allowed to stay home alone for three days....)

I'm not sure how good I'd feel about a guy who routinely left a teenager under the supervision of a 23-year-old for days at a stretch. I do think that after the second or third time I caught him hiding it, I would stop letting him spend the night and would question if I wanted to keep dating him. I wouldn't want to feel like I contributed to the kid having an accident or getting into other sorts of trouble.

I think if the 23 year old is very responsible, its one thing. But then it is hardly a free rent situation. I cant even go away for a 3 day business trip without a struggle. X is not a lot of help.