Ceph.... This is my opinion and you can tell me I don't have a clue what I am talking about if you want to but I am going to be honest with you and you may not like it...

I THINK.... you want to save this boy you want to protect him which is a lovely thing you and bf seem to have done wonders with him but I think you care more for the boy then other adults in his life which in itself is a good thing but I am AFRAID you will be hurt in the long run ...you and bf have no legal rights to the child and if mom wants to move to Japan(or some other far off place) there is nothing you and your BF can do about it. If she decides to stop your BF from seeing him she is legally within her rights ... and if I remember right he cannot even adopt him because of his heritage.

I THINK... its wonderful you and bf want to give him stability but if mom doesn't want to there really is nothing you can do about it and if something happens to mom you could possibly not see the child again... Could you guarantee his BGM would let you see him again?

AND the inevitable what if!! you and bf have a child what is A____'s place in the family? Would you still be willing to do for A______ and "your" children.

I don't doubt mom would be willing to give you the time you both want but ask yourself the what ifs...

For A_____ to have stability and set schedule is the best thing for him. But I would worry about mom changing her mind and how that would take any stability he had and jumble it all around. Back where he started but worse.

Yours is a very difficult situation to be in ... I admire you and BF for taking on the responsibility for child who is not your own and wanting/doing the best for him :).

two nights a week is not a big deal, in fact it is not much at all. and having reservations is fine too. although i don't know what reservations can you have when the kid will be there just two nights. what seems a problem to me is your rationale..

it sounds like you are very concerned about this boy and you sound like you have very good intentions but i would hesitate to make judgements about somebody else's children if they have stability in their lives or not. i suspect that maybe i would find people who would say that my daughter would have more stability in somebody else's household. haha

she is the mother, stability or not. who is to judge...who is to determine that your household is better than hers? why do you think it is? unless she is abusive and dangerous, stability is a very subjective term. as about him observing romantic relationships i actually think that mom keeping A away from her BF is a positive thing. it is not healthy for a young chil to be dragged in and out of adult relationships, it leaves scars and teaches them wrong things. she made a good decision to keep him out of it until possibly the time is right. i also am not sure how is it better for a child to observe two adults cohabitating than observing single adult with no attachements. i am not sure how the first one is healthier than the later...

you might be more suitable adult to raise children than BM, it is possible, everybody has different standards, but she is the mother. and i bet you she disagrees that your household is better.

don't mean to sound harsh but it just does not sound right when people decide that they are somehow better than the parents and that's why they need to have the children to somehow save them or what?

I agree with finedreams when it comes to the dating situation. When I was single and dating I kept my son away from my boyfriends. I would only go out when my son was with his father for the weekend. I did not want to be bringing people in and out of his life. When I knew it was serious between me and my dh then we started introducing the kids to us and eachother. So I do think bm is doing A favors by not getting him attached to people that might not be around.

I do think you and bf are wonderful for caring so much about A. And I do not think it would hurt to have him more if he is just staying at grandmas those nights anyways, as long as grandma is okay with it too! I know that my mother in law is very attached to my skids and misses having them as much as she did before I came into the picture! Of course they need to sleep at home now, they only slept there sometimes when my dh had to work midnights. Now I am home so they can sleep home instead.

Cawfe also brought up some good points too. How come your bf can not adopt A? And what happeded to his bio father?

Lots to answer, so here goes -
~I can totally agree that 4 homes do not provide what you would think of as stability, unless of course those 4 all stuck to a similar parenting style and A__ had the same expectations at each. Since we all know what isn't the case I think it can be agreed that shuffling back and forth is not stable, no matter how long it's been going on. I know before SD's mom/family and our family agreed on some common rules and expectations it was hard on SD to remember how to behave in just 2 homes. His ADHD only makes this more important, IMO. I agree that we shouldn't judge, who are we to say what is stable blah blah blah, but when it all comes down to it 4 different homes/sets of styles it not the way to raise a child. Sorry, but it just isn't. I've never agreed with him being dumped off on g-ma all the time, but that's just me. She already raised her kids - mom needs to step to the plate and quit having her mom to her job.
~I think it is a great thing that BM doesn't involve A__ in her love life. SD'd mom would involve her boyfriends after 1 or 2 dates and start talking about what a great guy he was and how they would all be so happy together. 6 months later she's telling SD what a jerk he is. What kind of message does that send? I also agree that it is good for him to see how a loving relationship works, and it sounds like he gets that from you and BF.
~More quality time is NEVER a bad thing!

The reservations:
~First off, it is healthy and good to admit you have them. Do not think less of yourself for it. I had reservations before deciding to have bio-kids, so this is natural. You are being honest with yourself and BF, and that is awesome.
~You can still have some freedom. 2 out of 7 evenings isn't a ton, so perhaps you can schedule around them? It's also okay for you to have plans one or two A__ nights as you don't want him to feel like your world stops when he is there. To model a healthy family relationship is to model real life, and in real life you might have to do something on a Friday night. It's okay. There have been nights I have had a late client lunch and not wanted to eat with the kids. I still sit at the table, have a glass of milk and chat about their day with them. No harm in that.
~I don't think BF's shifts are that big a deal. SD'd mom works retail and has a different schedule daily. SD (and us) never knows if mom is picking her up from school or our house on her days until mom calls to let us know. We deal, and I see no affect on SD. A__ will see you and dad as a team, so which team member picks up and drops off isn't that important as long as the team plays by the same rules. My kids enjoy nights when dad has to work late or is away - we have certain meals we eat dad doesn't like and dance around with the music turned up. It's a special time we enjoy, and you can make those types of routines with A__ as well.
~You are right in that the longer you have A__ the easier he will be to deal with. When SD was younger the first day or two after a mom weekend was always drama, but by Wednesday morning she would be fine and stay fine until the next mom weekend. I have a habit of running out of cleaning supplies pretty much every Saturday afternoon, thus requiring a run to Target for more. I certainly hope no one ever finds my stash of Windex in the garage and figures out I just wanted to get away for a little bit. There is a Starbucks in Target - it's my own 45 minutes of Heaven. Funny - now that I think about it DH almost always is missing one thing to cook Sunday dinner and needs a trip to the grocery store . . . :-)
As for me~
Oddly enough, I really didn't have reservations about fighting for custody of SD that I can remember. I think that is because I was so angry and outraged at BM's behavior that there just wasn't a question - SD needed to be with us. That probably overrode any hesitations. My DH has always been very supportive and appreciative of the role I play in SD's life and my level of involvement. I wouldn't hesitate to talk to him if I was worried. I hope you can feel the same with BF.
~I think I've already touched on your other questions, so on to BM. If she is already dumping him off at g-ma's, and g-ma isn't thrilled with it, to me it seems she wouldn't care much who it is with as long as it's not her. Unless she is the vindictive type like SD'd mom who would hire a babysitter for a weekend rather than send SD (3 at that point) up to stay with her dad while she was on a business trip (before he got custody, obviously) then this changes the dynamic. I'm going to assume (hope) that because you've said she's pretty cool that this isn't the case. I think the 'speech' you've outlined is good. Perhaps getting into g-ma needing a break would be helpful? Would g-ma even admit to this and be willing to say to BM that a few more days of A__ with dad would be good for all? Is there ever a chance of mom and dad splitting the time 50/50 so A__ doesn't have to be at more than 2 homes each week??

Now about you~
I think it is great you are this involved and care so much. I will echo the concerns voiced above about the possibility of losing contact with A__, but you can't spend all your time worrying about what might happen. Whatever you do, make sure that you are 99% behind the choice - making these decisions if you really don't support them can only hurt both you and A__ in the long run. Take this time while BF's house is getting done to think it over and talk to BF.

Whew. I need some more coffee now . . .

OK, I'll do the refresher course...
BM got pregnant during a teenage rebellion. The guy who got her pregnant, and then threatened her life, has been in and out of jail A__'s whole life. He is not on the birth certificate, he has never tried to see A__, etc. A__ knows that "Mom had a different boyfriend when she got pregnant with me, so Dad wasn't my dad until I was a few months old"
BF and BM were together for about 3 years, but never married, and BF is the only dad A__ has ever had. Everyone (A__, BF, BM, GM, Papa, friends, etc) thinks of BF as A__'s dad. Even when BM has been absolutely furious with BF for one reason or another over the years, she has always made sure that BF has lots of access to A__.
A__ is half Aboriginal, and our laws now prohibit non-Aboriginals from adopting Aboriginal kids. Additionally, a few years back in our province, the half Aboriginal son of a white woman was adopted by his white stepfather. The mother died, the BD's family (BD wasn't involved at all) sued for custody on cultural grounds and got it, ripping the kid away from the only dad the kid has ever known, AND making SF pay child support to them. So that's part of why he didn't adopt A__ back when he was with BM.
BM occasionally mulls about moving to a different province, and says she knows she'd have to be flying A__ back here all the time for visits with BF. She's been talking about moving since BF met her, and hasn't done it yet, so it seems unlikely. Also, this is a bit negative to say, but recall that this is the woman who thought taking care of A__ for "four whole days straight" was going to be tough, so it's extremely unlikely she's going to move away from all the people who take A__ all the time, because she'd have to look after him all the time, 24-7 if she did.

To clarify what I mean about stability... By "lack of stability" I don't mean that BM doesn't serve dinner at a regular hour or isn't a good mom. When she bothers to be a mom, she's a great mom! But between her work schedule and the days she decides she's not interested in being a mom, A__ sleeps at four different houses each week and doesn't know what house he'll be at each night. He gets really stressed about that he doesn't know where he'll be from night to night and is much more relaxed when he knows the plan for the next few days. It's certainly not that we think she's doing a a bad job with A__ when she has him, but that we think A__ should have a couple days a week that he knows whose house he's sleeping at.

Another point to clarify, we'll be getting engaged sometime this spring/summer/fall and married within a year after that. We were planning this before the flood hit, to get engaged, then move in together, and then get married, so now our timelines are a little shifted, but the overall result is still going to be the same.
And I didn't mean that BM should be introducing A__ to every guy she goes on a date with, but she's had the same boyfriend since September and is very secretive about him to A__. A__'s met him a handful of times now, but she says "none of your business" when A__ asks questions about her boyfriend, that sort of thing. We know it's because she wants to protect A__, but BF is concerned that A__ is learning to be secretive about dating from this example. He mentioned this concern to BM, who said something along the lines of "Well, he sees you guys dating, so I think it will all balance out".

Cawfe - I have also asked those questions to BF... Who has asked BM about them. And yeah, these things worry me all the time. BM can be selfish and stubborn, but overall she wants what's best for A__, so we don't think she's ever yank him away from BF. If something happened to BM, custody goes to her mom, who has asked BF what he would want to do about A__ if something ever happened to BM, basically checking that he'd still want to be involved with A__.
If we have our own kids (which is still up in the air) it wouldn't likely be until after I was done at least my PhD (a good three years from now) but probably done a postdoc too (so a good five years from now). So A__ will be at least 12 when/if we have a child. Obviously it would be a complex situation, but at 12 or 14, A__ would require a different sort of care than he does at 9 and I'm not worried about not being about to manage it, resource-wise. I know that I will love my hypothetical child differently than I love A__, but my capacity for love is not finite, and I doubt I will love or want A__ less. If I do catch myself thinking "boy it would be easier if A__ wasn't around tomorrow" or whatever, I think I will give myself the same peptalk I give now when I think that from time to time: "OK, maybe your day will be a bit more hectic with A__ here, but you know you'll be happy to see him once he's here, and that he needs time with BF, and it's not like you can't put that marking you had to do off until Sunday, etc"

So pretty much, if I'm understanding correctly, you ladies all think it's not a big deal to ask for a regular schedule and another day a week, but want to make sure that it's not because we're harshly judging BM as unfit (it's not) and make sure that nobody gets hurt in the process (including me, A__ and BM)?

To answer that last question, I don't think it would come off as stepping on BM's toes if you're only asking for another day a week. Filing for custody or adoption could get dicey for some people, but not asking for more a bit more visitation. My hunch is that she'd welcome it ---or welcome *anyone* having him for that extra day, if Grandma can't do it--- but I think it depends on how you broach the subject. Be sure to phrase it more like an OFFER than a request, as in: "we know how busy you are with [this, that, the other], and we were thinking we need to pick up a bit more of the slack in the parenting responsibilities". BF, who you said is on friendly enough terms with BM, should be the one to say it, because then it is clearer that, as A's bio-parent, he wants to "step up" more and be more involved in his son's life. (No one should object to that.) It should be said with no hint of "you're not doing a good enough job", but more like "I'm his parent too so it's only right that I share the load of his care, and we all can use a break sometimes..." It may feel wierd to have to phrase it like "we want to help more" when you know damn well you are both already caring and involved parental figures... but it's just a matter of phrasing for negotiation, "reverse psychology" that's actually the truth (you DO want to help, be more involved), and keeping the subject in as good a light as the intentions really are.

You could also try and do it in more than one phase, i.e. offering to alternate weeks where every other weekend you have him the whole weekend. That might be a better way to start since that sounds more like a "taking A off her hands/giving her a break" arrangement. Then see how it goes, how receptive she is to that, before you consider the next step.

I tried allowing my exH to have more time with DS after we moved to the same town a few years ago and it was too hard on DS. The back and forth did not do any good for him at all. None of us could keep up with rules and homework that needed to be done. We are now back to one night a week and every other weekend at his dad's because this allows me the ability to stay on top of what needs to be done. I am all for routine and stability for DS. I believe that the fewer distractions and the fewer nights that A is switching houses the better. I think that it did not work for us because I was the one keeping up with everything and they were not so a lot was falling through the cracks.
So half the week that DS was gone, I was not there to keep DS on top of school work.

I am the BM though so I told DS stepmom (I deal with her) what I felt was best for DS and she agreed. I did not hear any complaints from exH because I know that ultimately he wants what is best for DS also--especially when it doesn't disrupt his life more than necessary. But I think that you asking for one more night and set the nights up the same each week will benefit all of you and that is the way that your BF should approach BM.

i liked when DD went to dads every weekend (when lived closer by) and was with me during the week, i don't think it is good for children going back and forth during the week, it interfers with routine.

i don't think you should say:we want to help. this doesn't sound right. if he is the father then he can just say: i want more time with my son. i want to know him better and do more stuff with him. i think all the facts about improtance of stability or observing adult relationships etc should not be ever mentioned (in fact they make no sense to me). If he is the father all he can say is that he wants more time with his son. also BF can mention that his son would benefit spending more time with his dad.

When I was a child, my parents divorced. I lived with mom and saw dad every second weekend. IT was consistent, friday night to Sunday night. My mom never tried to stop my dad from seeing me. It wasnt court ordered, it was what they agreed upon. I am sure they fought about the child support etc, but they never fought in front of me, nor did either of them ever say a bad word about the other in front of me.

The older I got, when I hit my teens, I started spending EVERY weekend at dads. Mom didnt try to stop me, or protect her territory. Dad didnt try to force me when there were weekends that I had other plans.

I love my dad. I love my mom. I never felt deprived for having been a child of divorce. I had a fabulous childhood.

If A_ wants to spend more time with you, then hopefully you have a BM who was like my mom. If the fighting and using the kids for a tug a rope arent there, the kids benefit greatly.