I don't think that the SP has to meet with the SK's every single time even in good relationships. I would have a serious talk with DH about your feelings, he cannot insist or make you if you do not want to. If the situation is that bad, SK's would probably rather it just be DH as well.

I am curious, what have they done to you?

I wouldn't feel obligated to go with DH just because he wants you to go. I think that is being selfish on his part if he understands how hurtful it is to you. What things did they do? Did he accept their behavior or stand up to them when they were wrong? Did they apologize for hurting you?
I would encourage him to go & have a great time but explain how hurtful/painful it is to you when you have to go. Maybe focus on how much more quality time he can spend with them when it's just him that goes.
Possibly, could you just go to the big functions like weddings, funerals, or annual events & associate with others that are there? Would that relieve a little bit of the stress for you? I don't think anyone should have to go to a place that is hurtful. With age comes wisdom. Maybe you're just becoming wiser & that's why you don't want to put up with them any longer. I don't feel you need to tolerate abuse from adult skids or anyone else for that matter. Good luck to you. Keep posting & let me know how it goes.

Sunny, I m in the same situation, and like you...I d just rather not go....but sometimes I just have to supress my feelings and just go..Adult SS has done some really, really hurtful things to me too, but sometimes I have to go to his younger brothers sports events, and geez, my stomach starts churning if I think I m going to see him there...He actually hasnt spoken to his dad in a year(because of his perceived mistreatment of him I guess)I have to go to these things because BM will be there also, and if DH is alone, BM will verbally attack him(she wont if I m there)DH has a heart condition, and I go to save him the stress ..We dont go to weddings, to avoid the problems..If a wake or whatever, I guess we d pay our respects when he wasnt there...I wish DH could resolve this with him, this kid is so wrong thinking, I do hope it wont always be like this...But DH is waiting for him to make the first move, he wont..I ve asked if I can email him to try to fix this, but DH says we havent done anything wrong...Guess its the 5 Furies mentioned in another post...Amazingly the younger kid seems to like me, doesnt mind spending time with me, I think due to the fact that the adults(BM, ex in laws) think he s too young for the adult business of poisoning him against me.So he s free to make up his own mind about me...I hate what this is doing to DH..I can see why he wants you with him, I guess I d go to occasions DH deems important and skip the rest if its not going to resolve....Good luck

I agree that a compromise is necessary: certainly you shouldn't have to go to every little thing at all times, but you probably should try to go to half of the outings (or thereabouts...) Just for the sake of the person you all have in common (DH) and for being a mature adult who makes the effort within reason so the situation doesn't deteriorate even more. Movies, restaurants and parties would be easier outings because it's very easy to get out of talking to any one particular person if it's getting really tense. And that way you've put in your "face time".

Depending on what the outings are, you might find it helpful to bring something along that you can do with your hands (even if it's just part of the time, like the drive over, or waiting for the table at the restaurant, etc.) to ease tension. Like knitting or something that doesn't require 100% of your attention, so you can still talk if you want and not be seen as being unsociable. This kind of stuff has been very helpful to me in the many hours of Dad's wife and I sitting in the one room, super close quarters, hours on end gathered around my dad (when he falls asleep it's just me & her so having something to shift focus back-and-forth to, i.e. knitting is a life-saver!)

Or a crossword puzzle or game that can involve them--- a neutral topic that can shift everyone's focus off the family dynamics.

If they REALLY start getting rude and nasty, there's always the "Excuse me, gotta go powder my nose!" escape or the "Oh goodness, I must call my friend and see how her dog's root canal went today!" (Or arrange prior to have said friend call YOU mid-way through the event...) Just anything to get you out of the situation and the room before the tension makes you lose your sh*t. Then, when you return, hopefully the subject in question will have been changed. Good luck, these situations aren't easy from anyone's side of them... making the effort is noble, but if you're going to do it you gotta pack the right tools! (And keep that cell phone charged...)

Thanks for all the good supporting advise. I know a couple of you asked what the SKs have done. If you look back over the last few years you can read my other posts. Both SKs have tried to break our marriage up. SS has attempted to set DH up with another woman (the other woman was in on it). SKs have stolen things from our house and denied it. They have brought their mother into our home when we were not there for no good reason. SKs have attempted to make me look bad to my in-laws, who did not believe a word they said. They continual lie to DH to get money from us for unnecessary items. They have always ignored me and been disrespectful. Never have remembered my birthday. I always remember theirs. Until just last year one of them just happened to recalled our wedding anniversary. I believe DH called an told them it was our anniversary. They both stood up in our wedding for us. The lists goes on and on. I have forgiven them but can not forget. I look at them and see all the hurtful uncaring things they have done. It is so very sad.

Hi sunnygardenerme,

It's nice to hear from you again. It seems i haven't seen any of your posts here for a while but then again i myself have been posting less in the last couple of months although i do come often and read other people's posts. Whenever, i do, i feel a lot of the pain for these stepmothers that i've had to live with for many, many years because of DH's children.

When i read our post sunnygarderneme, it reminded me of how i used to go or get involved in every event DH had with his children or his family. After a while, i realized that it didn't matter how much care i put in the organization of theses events, it was DH who got all the thank you's from the children, who seemed like the nice person, who seemed sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooinvolved with his kids when in fact if it hadn't been for me to get the food, the cards, fix the date, etc. etc. you name it, this event would not have happened. After fourteen years with DH, i decided enough is enough. For a long time, when he wanted to do something with his kids (like having them over during our summer holidays for days and days and days) i would say: go ahead but i am simply not going to take part in somehthing that finally cause a lot of work forme and no appreciation whatsoever from you DH or yuor kids. Have fun. For two summers, he continued to go to thel lake with his two daughters and two grand children. I know that while he was with them, he had to do everything! Funny, he didn't go with them to the lake last summer for two weeks and when one of his daughters sais : oh ya dad we have to plan our holidays up at the lake, he replied : oh i don't even know if i have holidays this summer! Ya right!, i thought!

Anyways, all i am trying to say sunny is think of you. Dh will be alright if you are not there with him all the time. Plus, they are his children! It took me a long time to realize that. They are his children and it is with him that these children must have first and foremost a relationship. Not with you and even though it may be hard to accept this one, believe me sunny, if you really, really believe this fact in your heart, you will detach from his children, your adult SC, in a way that will make you happy and him happy and especially in a way that it will not make you feel guily.

Keep posting.

i am so sorry sunny you have to deal with this, too sad. but take care of yourself. can you pretend not feeling well? do you have your own children or other family that you can escape to? like if somehting is coming up with SKs and you all of a sudden remember: oh i got to take my mom to a doctors, or gotta help my kids with school projects

Sunny, I do remember your older posts now, the part about the SSs trying to fix him up with another woman!!!! Were you married then, or just dating? That you say you have forgiven, not forget, you re a better woman than I..Geez, what were they thinking????Talk about immoral...I think my DH would blow a gasket if his kid did that(but maybe he just hasnt thought it up yet!! )LOL

I wouldn't go if it makes you uncomfortable. I've been there & done that and it doesn't matter how much effort you put forth in that situation (in my opinion). If I feel it's going to be a negative environment for me I don't go.

Put yourself first, I don't mean to be negative but if you don't no one else will, that I promise you. I learned the hard way.

HugsXXX

dotz, We were married 2 years at the time. DH denied SS would do this until the woman called him on his birthday to wish him a happy birthday. It was so unbelievable to think SS and this woman would attempt this. Of course it did not work but it sure made me not trust this SS.

Sunny, Keep your friends close and keep your enemies closer!! LOL

Sunny,

How terrible for you. I cannot imagine the strength you have to stay strong through all of that.

I hope your DH is able to see that the situation is not healthy for you and takes the right steps.

Ouch! You'd been married 2 years and SS tried to set him up! Wow. That's really sad and I feel horrible that you're in this predicament. My heart goes out to you.

I like finedreams' idea though. Play sick or say "you know, I made an appointment for my hair/nails today and I just can't miss it or I'm going to look like a frizzy poodle for the next month! Sorry sweetie but can I come next time?" Also the "Oh I totally forgot, I'm supposed to have lunch with mom/grandma" really works, but so does an honest reply.

"Do you mind if I stay here today, I'm feeling a little upset today and I'm sure the kids would love to have some fun with you today without me messing the day up because I feel weird."

I hope things look brighter for you soon!