What is really going on?

19 years ago

In the 14 years of our marriage, I had met SD approximately once every two years for a week because we lived on the other side of the country. Her father visited her at least three times a year at her place while on business trips. Recently we have moved within an hours driving distance of SD. In the last year SD, her husband and their child have spent a total of 27 days in our home. SD has always been contemptuous toward me but I had no real idea of the intensity of her envy until we moved here.

The child is a joy, and I in no way resent her presence in my home. Her husband is also gracious and helpful, and I wouldnÂt object to any of them visiting if I were treated respectfully. SD enters our home gives me the perfunctory hello, then proceeds to ignore me as best she can for the following days. From the moment of her arrival she never leaves her fatherÂs side. At first I found it amusing to see a woman that age trailing behind her father like a little kid, but my amusement soon turned to annoyance and finally to alarm when SD refused to acknowledge my rights in my own home, was hostile at every opportunity and soon began to INFORM me when she would be coming into her "dad's house" next because "no one cares what you think."

SD was told that I would be consulted before visits so she decided to show me who the real boss is. Next visit SD brought a single friend of hers into our home who my husband had met on several occasions while visiting his daughter. The entire evening was spent purposely excluding me from the conversation while SDÂs friend and my husband discussed their previous activities together and plans for future activities together without me. It was a calculated attack by SD and her friend and enabled by my husband. I asked my husband if he wanted to divorce.

He didn't want a divorce, but I have informed him that his daughter is no longer allowed to treat me like I am an unwanted intruder in my own home. She is no longer going to behave as though all our resources are only her fathers. She will no longer help herself to my camera, my computer, my car or any other item that is known to be personally mine without asking ME first. She will no longer refer to me in my presence as "that woman, her or she" nor will she roll her eyes, smirk, glare, accidentally bump into me or any other intentional hostile body language in her repertoire. She will no longer ask me why my house is so dirty, why I don't cook good meals, when I am going to stop spending all her dadÂs money, what do I do all day, when am I going to get a job, and why am I so stupid. I have broken my back trying to have a relationship with her and her family and she has made it clear she doesnÂt want to share anything with me.

Meanwhile I find out that much backstabbing and gossip have been instigated by SD and BM. In addition to trying to keep SD from her dad, BM and SD have told everyone in my husbandÂs family that I broke up the marriage, and that I only did it for the money. Truth? They had been separated for four years before I even met him; we lived thousands of miles apart, NO we didn't meet on the Internet and BM was given 90% of the marital assets. It is nothing more that vicious, bitter gossip in an attempt to cast aspersions on my character. Strangely my husband will never step in and correct the lies.

I realize much of the problem is my husband's guilt and inability to face conflict and deal with the fact that his "sweet little girl" is neither little nor sweet anymore. I think he has finally realized that SD has a hidden agenda to drive me away so she can have access to father and all his "alleged" money that she thinks is rightfully hers. The money myth was started and kept alive by BM, who is now suddenly SDÂs best friend and confidant. BM also lives nearby and has never remarried although she continues to live with her friend she met before the divorce.

Although I feel it is not the correct solution, unless our relationship changes SD is no longer welcome in our home. She has lost my trust and I see her as a dangerous person to me. I will never be in her company without another person present. It is very disturbing to encounter a personality this calculating and apparently devoid of conscience. Now she and Dad can visit elsewhere. I never have and never would want to keep them apart.

Thoughts anyone?

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Comments (12)

kkny
19 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Just a little clarification, you say that DH was seperated for 4 years befor you met. I assume that means he was married when you met and started your relationaship.

You indicate that BM had been given 90% of marital assets. Were there substantial other, non-marital assets, of DH.
colleen777
Original Author
19 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Yes, they were in the process of divorcing when we met, and there were no other assets of any kind.
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jerseystepmom
19 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I am not sure what kkny's point was about the fact that the divorce wasn't final, but it sounds as though it implies judgment. Just an observation (I hope I'm wrong...!)

Anyway, your husband needs to get a clue and quickly. This is the kind of stuff that many of us stepmothers endure and if your husband doesn't stop it now....it will damage your marriage.

You cannot and will not change her. The only thing you can change is allowing it to continue in your home. Since she thinks you have no place in your home (!), your husband needs to enlighten her. And, bottom line is that you have a right to refuse her entry if she treats you this way in your own home. It isn't like she's a young child and you need to be the bigger person -- she is a mother herself and should understand that people (especially parents) deserve to be treated with respect and that if she doesn't, she loses the privilege of being in your home. Your husband can go to her home to visit her.

Also, I'm a bit sensitive on the taking your things because my SD was here last summer from college and helped herself to anything and everything of mine she wanted (without asking, hiding it, and when told to stop, she continued).....it is NOT ok to take your things just because she thinks she is entitled to...especially while disrespecting you!!!!

Bottom line is your husband better see this through your eyes or all he'll be left with is his "sweet little girl"! By the way, one thing that worked for my husband was for me to turn the tables -- my nephews stay with us a lot and I said to him "how would you feel if after my nephews left you were missing clothes, money, etc." and he thought for a second and then I could see the lightbulb go off. I really think they don't quite get our perspective until they're forced to imagine it reversed....

Good luck.
colleen777
Original Author
19 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Thank you jersey, it is always tough to take such a strong stand with a family member, and I very much appreciate your comments. And to kkny everything we own we have earned together through OUR employment. SD comments are NOT true they are just digs.
theotherside
19 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
You kept track of how many days your stepdaughter visited? For what purpose?
colleen777
Original Author
19 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
LOL, that's a good question. The reason I finally calculated the days was because she said that she barely got any time to visit with her dad. Moreover, I would be happy to have them visit very much more often if somehow we can figure out a way to reduce or eliminate her hostility toward me. What did you think I kept track of the days for?
theotherside
19 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I had no idea. The only reason I could think of for keeping track of the days would be to prove visitation (or lack thereof) to the courts, but that obviously wouldn't apply here.
sweeby
19 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Hey Colleen - Don't jump to the conclusion that you can't find any support here -- That isn't true. It's just that your situation sounds pretty sticky, and I don't see any easy answers... I think other posters are just jumping on the odd little details because the bigger issue is too messy to handle.

Sounds like the daughter, for whatever reason, has decided you are "evil" and beneath contempt. It probably isn't personal, though that may not make it feel any better. But it sounds like her husband is civil and reasonable. Could you maybe ask him why his wife seems to hate you so much?

As to the "that woman" references while you are right there -- Could you pull off an innocent-sounding "What woman is that?" question? Or, when the opportunity comes up and you husband has just witnessed something cruel, state in a non-accusatory way "You seem very angry with me. Have I done something to hurt you?"

For her to be that angry, it's possible that BioMom may have said some pretty vicious things about you. You could ask her if she's considered that perhaps everything she's heard about you may not be true? Point out that when people are angry, they say a lot of things they don't really mean or even believe, and that maybe she's formed her opinions of you based on things that aren't even true?

In any case, it sounds like a really nasty situation. If 'making nice' and trying to address the issues openly and constructively doesn't work, then I'd simply put my foot down and state that this is your house too, just as much as it's her father's, and that you will not tolerate being blatantly disrespected in your own home. That you won't interfere with her relationship with her father, and that if she can't control her behavior, she'll have to see her father elsewhere.
fleurs_gardener
19 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
colleen 777,
Being a stepmom myself for the last 18 years to a SD who it seems has tried and done everything to be rude and extremely mean towards me,let me just say that I truly, truly understand your feelings and your wants in regards to your SD and DH.

I myself made myself sick to my stomach and really really stressed out over my oldest SD attitude and behaviour towards me. I can just imagine how you are feeling right now.

For years, I've had arguments with DH over his SD's lack of respect towards me, etc. etc. DH has always, always defended his daughter, no matter what. Just like you say, I now realize it is DH's guilt and inability to face conflict with his daughter that is making him act like this.

We often blame the stepchild for the problems we are having with him/her, when, in my opinion, it is the husband/father's fault if the situation continues. I got so sick of fighting with DH over his daughter, that now, I stay out of their relationship entirely or as much as I can.

I've decided to choose my battles with him and I don't want the ones regarding his daughter and I to be part of these battles. I've had it! You've told your husband what you thought of his daughter. Contrary to some of the posts above, I don't really see the point of discussing the situation with your SD. Waste of breath. She will argue with you over everything you will say to her. Just like my oldest SD, these young women are full of jealousy and envy towards us and there is nothing we can do about it but let time and maturity show them that their attitude towards us is wrong. Also, we stepmom's seem to think these SD's act like this only towards us. But believe me, more and more I am finding out that my SD is just as mean towards other people as she is towards me. She has no friends and I just realized recently that she is showing alot of jealousy now towards my younger stepson who is 20 years old, lives at home, works nights, and enjoys life more than she does with her two young kids, a husband, financial problems etc. etc. She thinks my stepson doesn't have a life, is spoiled, shouldn't live at home with his mom ( he does pay rent)etc. etc.etc.

SD came over to our house last friday night with her two young daughters whom I really really like. I was nervous about her visit but I tried to look at it in a super positive way. I kept telling myself it would be nice to see the young girls, eat cake and ice cream, etc. I really had a good time with the kids. Of course, SD tried to make fun of me (my English can be really bad sometimes) and she takes advantage of this and makes fun of me. When she did it this time, I repeated what she was making fun of saying " ya your right sweetie, that's right, that's what I said!" She stopped. She's finally growing up!

If your SD comes to your house again and she is rude, IGNORE HER. JUST IGNORE HER! I swear to god she will back off. Remember it is with her father you want a relationship. Not with her. Enjoy her child also because this child has never done anything to hurt you and this child, like all children, need all the love they can get. Plus it will bring your hubby and you closer together.

This morning, I was thinking how fun it would be if I could spend a week with my SD's children this summer. There is no way I will spend a week with her, but with her kids anytime! That's what I mean when I say I try not to let this SD ruin my life. I look for happiness in my life and in my husband's life and I know that he truly enjoys it when I am there with him and his grand children.

I realize my post is really, really long but I what I am trying to do is give you hope and little examples of where to find happiness because it ain't easy when it comes to being a stepmom.

Go colleen777 Go!
Keep posting.
sylviatexas1
19 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
"SD is no longer welcome in our home. She has lost my trust and I see her as a dangerous person to me. I will never be in her company without another person present. It is very disturbing to encounter a personality this calculating and apparently devoid of conscience."

Really, I don't know of another thing you can do.
It's too bad hubs hasn't protected you, but you have to protect yourself.

If this 'girl' (grown woman) doesn't have you around to poke at, & her dad isn't distracted by trying to keep from "taking sides" (why he wouldn't take sides is another matter), maybe she'll eventually get so overt about her agenda that he'll get fed up with it.

I'm sorry you've had so much trouble.
jenny_alabama
19 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I agree with you guys. fleurs_gardener - this does sound just like your situation! I do not blame colleen777 one bit for putting her foot down. When there are times that your around her and she makes these snide comments in front of your husband...definitely point it out right then and there. After so many attempts and you pointing this out and asking why she has to be so negative...your husband WILL see it and probably put a stop to it. This is what I did with my SS (15) - pointed out the remarks and put downs right then. He finally saw what his son was doing. Sounds to me more and more that the adult SC are just as much hateful than some of the younger ones! Be careful though....if she really dispises you - it may just be a matter of time that she will turn the two grandchilden away from you....you may not can save the relationship with the SD - but you sure as heck can with the two grandchildren. She is like her BM and their are two of them against you....your husband will see the light and then you can have the bond you so deserve with your grandchildren...just be honest with them and defend your self (in the right way of course).
Ashley
19 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
colleen, I don't think it is time for you to give up on having a good relationship without a fight. I think Fleurs has a point when it comes to her reltionship with her stepdaughter and that fleurs has really made an effort in the past with her stepdaughter and so she should move past it if things don't change. I'm just wondering when you say " I have broken my back trying to have a relationship with her and her family"...and I don't doubt that you feel that way, but what exactly have you done? I don't mean this to sound judgemental, only to get you thinking about it. I know the two of you weren't around one another when she was young. She may feel that her Dad moved across the country and away from her to be with you. She may have some jealousy and pent-up hurt and anger about that.

I think you should give her the benefit of the doubt and talk with her before you completely right her off. Stay calm and ask her why she treats you this way. DO NOT GET INTO A SCREAMING MATCH. Just be assertive.

Also, what was your husband doing spending time alone with your stepdaughter's friend? and why was he planning on spending time with her in the future? That would make the alarm bells go off if I were you.

What is really going on?

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What is really going on?

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colleen777Original Author

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