Couple of thoughts....from my own experience with father and many friends who had "bypass" procedures over the decades. Youngest 52. Oldest about 79. 1) There's no way to know what the specific outcome will be for your mom. Among those who have the procedure and follow the rehab instructions about 20% pop back to terrific condition. 20-30% never really come back to a particularly satisfactory place. The rest are someplace in between. Everyone I've known who has been through it, has had some level of impairment afterward. Chest-cracking procedures are significant trauma events. Healing takes time. 2) Those that resist rehab instructions, pretty universally have the worst outcomes. From your description of your mom, I would be concerned about this. Especially since you say she can barely walk, normal rehab will likely be much different for her. A big part of rehab is exercise -- a lot of walking, usually starting right away - and if she's unable to do that, she likely will not recover as quickly as if she was able to. I would cover this ground with the rehab folks to get a clear perspective of what will be involved in your mom's particular case. 3) Caregiving can be pretty light or arduous, depending on the individual patient's progress. 4) They've been doing these procedures for quite a while, now, and have become very good at them. They should have a pretty clear picture of what you should expect in your mom's case. Talk to them about your expectations -- whether over or under. Get a better idea from them about what's reasonable to expect. 5) Prepare to upgrade her standard of care from mere "assisted living". In the beginning, she'll almost certainly need more attention. With a good outcome, this period may pass quickly but the burden for you as an individual in the beginning may well be too much to undertake. 6) Get connected with private-care people whom you can call on if you do find yourself overwhelmed. If/when such a thing occurs, you won't be thinking straight. Make these arrangements in advance so you don't have to think about it if the need arises. 7) Let the rehab folks have their way with her. It will be very uncomfortable for her. She will probably complain. You may feel like intervening. Don't. It has to happen. They'll have to push her a bit. They know what's needed. Stay out of their way. You may have to explain this to her and deal with her resentment. She'll probably forget it all in due course. Everyone does. But keep her moving and excercising. Regularly. Every day. Couch potatoes, don't do well. If they did well in the beginning when it was forced on them, they begin to decline when they stop. It will be a lifestyle change. New routines. She will become depressed a little or a lot. You'll have to deal with it and keep her moving. 8) Knee replacement or other procedures may or may not be deemed wise later on. One step at a time. Right now, this is the only thing. Keep focused on this and this alone. 9) The procedure will NOT change her personality. Your present annoyances will likely continue as before -- but at least you'll have some new subject matter to talk about. There are a lot smarter people than me around to ask about this topic. Find them and talk with them.

Elspeth, First of all let me tell you that I truly feel your pain. There is no pain that can match the pain of watching your child die. I've been exactly where you are now; however, I did get to spend everyday (24/7)with our son for three months before his death. That was a true gift from God that I will be thankful for forever. I remember your first post and have thought of you so often. I'm sure you already know this, but please, please do not take any of his negative actions or words to heart. He really can't help saying or doing those things. He has a terrible battle going on inside. He loves you and he knows you love him. I can't tell you how very sorry I am that you and your son must go through this. Please remember that you will be in my thoughts daily. If I can help you in any way, please email me.

Hi Theresa: Thank you for your kind and comforting words, and thank you for providing such personal information about you and your mother. Whatever you are feeling, it is ok to feel that. The anger at your mother for not telling family members about her illness is understandable. It sounds like she was scared and in denial, and (as you said) did not want to burden others with such news. We all have issues with our parents; I guess it's because it's a dominant-submissive relationship. Even when we become adults, we are still viewed as children by our folks. What has helped me through my grieving process is to view my mother as a person--another human being going through this life process of being and growing--who made some good and bad choices but did her best under the circumstances, raised/treated me the best she could based on her life experience, and loved me through it all. We were gifts to each other because we needed to learn from each other. I remember when I was caring for my mother, I heard her ask her sister (my aunt)the following: "Do you remember Mom ever hugging you?" Here was my mother, in her 70s, asking her sister if she ever got hugs from their mother. My mother went on to say that she could not remember one time that their mother ever hugged her; she sounded so hurt. That's when it hit me that we are all just people trying to do our best based on how we were raised and loved as children. And no matter how old we get, there may be emotional needs not met that will hurt us and perhaps even haunt us for the rest of our lives. I believe my mother is around me quite a bit which is comforting. I realize that although there is no physical connection anymore, there is still a strong emotional one, a psychic connection if you will, and all I have to do to communicate with her now is to think a thought. The fact that you were with your mother, lay with her, and held her until she passed away is a true testament of love. Most people would not be able to bear that emotional pain. Bless you, Theresa! You are a terrific daughter. I shall keep checking this forum. You just keep posting your thoughts and feelings here so we can fully support you. You mentioned faith; I too am a big believer in faith getting me through rough times. The worse things got for me, the stronger my faith become. In addition to losing my mother and husband within a 10-month period, I also lost my therapist and mother-in-law to cancer during the next 14 months. So I lost three relatives and my grief therapist in a two-year period. At one point I felt like "Typhoid Mary." In fact, I refused to make any new friends for awhile thinking they might drop dead or become ill. That time period was hell for me and I too was a mess. You can and will make it through this hellish grieving process, Theresa. Be real, be honest with people about it, communicate with those who can and want to help you. One thing I wanted to ask is how are your children? How are they handling their grief? Have they talked to you about it? Take care, Theresa....you are special, you are loved, you are a valuable child of God. Mary R-K

I lost my Mom 4 years ago. I still cry a few times every month. Several years ago I asked her if she still thought about her Mother, My Grandma..she said "oh honey, I think about her everyday". I remember thinking how extraordinary that was. Now I get it. I have to share this poignant moment I had. I had returned home from my Mom's funeral in another state. My hubby and I took care of his mother, who was wheelchair bound. She had her sister and cousin over. I was sharing what it was like to lose my Mother. Aunt Wanda, who was 80 started crying. I felt so bad that I made this old woman cry. Then she said "I was crying, because I was remembering MY MOTHER crying at Christmas time, because she missed HER MOTHER". I said "Let me get this straight, you are crying over your mother who was crying over her mother"? LOL. Ya know how you laugh and cry at the same time? I never had a moment in life like that..We women stared at each other. The bond women share, mothers..love..life..it is so special. I now know how very important I am to MY DAUGHTER and only child. The memories I make with her will comfort her when I am gone. Still, I cry. She is expecting her first and most likely only child a boy. I am so sad my Mom didn't get to see him. But life goes on..and as bad as I miss Mom, a new grandchild is coming and a new chapter in my life. Do you honestly think your brother gets how you feel? NO..most guys don't. So honey, you just grieve for your Mom as long as you need to. It is a testimony to the love you had for her. It will subside..but the deep longing for her will not go away. At least mine hasn't. But life is still full of joy. Take Care..