'Daddy' or 'My Daddy'?

14 years ago

It always bothers me when my stepdaughter talks about her father. It's always "Daddy this" and "Daddy that."

Now when everyone else talks about their father, they say "My Dad this" and "My Dad that." In other words, her father is daddy only to her, not to me, my wife or my son. So, shouldn't she say "My dad"? That's what I do...I mean, my father (when he was alive, God rest his soul) was only my father...not my wife's or my son's or my sd's? Like everyone should recognize and acknowledge her father as "daddy".

Wanted to get your take on this...

Thurman

Comments (31)

silversword
14 years ago
I can understand that Thurman. I get the same irritation when people go on about "my husband". Umm... if we're strangers, sure. But if "your husband" happens to be named Mike and we've only known each other forever... why not just call him "Mike"?
lovehadley
14 years ago
I don't know. I am 29 years old and my parents have been divorced for over 10 years. I STILL refer to my dad as "dad" when speaking to my mom, and I refer to my mom as "mom" when speaking to my dad.

AND--they do the same. My mom will say to me "have you told dad?" Or my dad will say to me "is mom going to be there?"

I think you are sweating small stuff here.
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When I was 5 years old, my mother packed us up and moved 3000 miles away from my father and didn't leave a forwarding address. 25 years later, I found him, and moved in with him and his wife (a wonderful woman, who became one of my closest friends) for a year in order to get to know them as family rather than acquaintances one visits once in a while. My stepmother couldn't get over how alike we were, in temperament, tastes, and a variety of idiosyncratic behaviors. One day, she came home from doing some errands to find us sitting at the kitchen table lunching on thick slabs of his beefsteak tomatoes, drizzled with olive oil and sprinkled with salt & pepper. bread and butter rounding out the meal. Regarding me with a rather dryly amused expression, she said, "I guess I know whose daughter YOU are!" The one food I actually associate with my father in childhood memory is yellow apples. All my life, if I ate a yellow apple, I thought of him, and no matter how good it tasted, there was something missing. After my mother divorced him, he would pick me up on Saturday and find somewhere to take me where we could simply hang out. One of our favorite spots was off a country road, where there was a very old, gnarled apple tree. In season, we would sit there and eat apples together, and discuss whatever weighty subjects children under the age of 5 discuss with their fathers. The apples were yellow, and no apple has ever tasted as good since. Our first meeting when I was an adult, I arranged to have in a restaurant. I was nervous and wanted a neutral ground. By the end of dinner, he convinced me to drive with him a short way to his home, so I could meet his wife, who was waiting up and hoping I would come. I followed him in my car, and at a certain spot, on a dark country road, he slowed, honked his horn and gesticulated wildly over the hood of his car to the right at I couldn't know what. It was the apple tree, and when I told him later that I'd spent all my subsequent years being disappointed in every apple I ate because it didn't taste as good as the apples from that tree, he laughed because that tree had been so old, even when I was young, that the apples had been small, tough and tart, but we ate them together because they were there. My Dad had been a paratrooper during WW2. He didn't talk about it often, but a couple of times he opened up. Once, he spoke of walking down an avenue in Italy, and passing a house surrounded by a low wall, and seeing an elderly man sitting outside at a little table. A young woman brought him out a bowl of olives, a tumbler of wine and a slab of bread. My father ended up trading a pack of cigarettes for a helmet full of those home made olives. I think that he must have been feeling quite lonely and homesick, because he could have bought olives anywhere, and at less expense than a pack of cigarettes, but the elderly man's look of contentment as he ate of the olives his daughter brought him while he sat in his own garden made them irresistible. While I lived with my father and stepmother, I got into the habit of driving a couple of hours down to Boston every couple of months or so, to buy food items I couldn't find in Southern Maine...and I'd stop at a little Italian grocery in the North End to pick up olives and bread for my father.
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For the past couple of decades, the ratio of women vs men has not been in the women's favor. Combine that with the real need for women to be self supporting in this world - that is now pretty much fact - to live above "survival" level, to be decently self supporting, they must be well educated, build their career - they can't "take time off" and expect to come back and be on the same track they were - the business world does not accomidate planning a family and Im not sure that it even should. I feel it to be very necessary for women to build up that career because of the high divorce and financiall, child abandonment rate - the women and children end up worse off and the man ends up better off financially. So it's now simply the law of nature that a woman must be prepared to take care of herself and her children alone. NOthing is written in stone anymore. That is a very, very sad fact about our society and the world, but it's simply the fact of life. I hope that mothers today are raising their little girls not on the Cinderella story but on strong, self managing role models. I think it's now basic good mothering and leading their little girls to the best possible life for them. Everyone must learn to live on the idea to be able to financially depend upon themselves, no matter what. It's a new world. So many are building that career that the biological clock gets ignored through necessity. Unlike a man, the woman can't ignore what is happening with her body. So many are now not married yet or the clock is running down and simply can't wait, or even count on, that prince or likely decent father to show up if they want to have the healthiest chance to have a healthy child, so they are choosing to have their family alone. It's sad, but it's now how this world turns. I have no problem at all with these women - they are much more likely to make good and effective mothers who support their carefully planned family well. They have done the work, done the planning and are prepared emotionally and financially. It's the young/younger unwed mothers who have no real source of income which can decently support themselves OR child and is frankly unlikely to ever have a realistic source of income that will enable them to stand on their own two feet and be effective, loving mothers. Or, the mothers who reproduce without worrying about any of this at all because somebody, somewhere will provide the basics and they know this - our taxes at work. The world and women's expectations for their life is very, very different than it was back in the 70's when I was starting out. Adjustments must be made for the best future of these women and their children. I wonder if there will ever be a time in the future of this century where males as a whole will be having the same discussions about family and career and raising a child alone that women now must have. I doubt it, it's built into our DNA. In general, they start them, we raise them. The idea that male "hunting" for the offspring seems to have fallen off the DNA chain *sigh* Sometimes I really ponder this, I wonder if that drive is no longer there because the world is so populated now that the male natural drive to provide simply isn't necessary anymore. There are so very many that his DNA is likely to survive, regardless. Sometimes I over analyze, can you tell? ;)
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Great idea to form a log for slicing. Is that 8 oz. cream cheese? Thanks.
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Jerica, You've written practically the story of my life, only it happened to me at 40 and not 18. I'm going to back up what some of the other posters say, in that you must tread softly in relation to how you talk about his wife. Keep in mind, though, that you may be getting the blame for things that you haven't said or done. My SM is good at making things up, to the point that my dad actually believed her. I believe you've sized the situation up correctly: Your SM is jealous of the closeness you have with your dad. Women like that (and it happens with biological mothers of sons, as well) can't seem to tell the difference between the love a man has for his wife and the love he has for his daughters. In other words, she may see you and your sister as a romantic rival for her husband's affections. Sick, but sometimes true. Talk to your dad, alone if at all possible, about the situation ... that you feel estranged from him and that you would like to spend more time with him. If he seems reluctant or won't look you in the eye or is evasive, ask him point blank if there's anything you've said or done that has made him or your SM mad. This is where you have to be careful. If your SM is inventing problems for him (things that she says you've done or said), it'll be hard to listen to it and not get really angry. I made that mistake a couple of times. Now that my father is actually talking to me again, I usually wait until he tells me what my "offense" is and then I, very calmly, tell him whether or not it actually happened. Be careful, though. Me and my siblings were really close to my dad until my SM came on the scene. He allowed her to estrange him from his family ... to the point that at one point, he didn't see or speak to any of his children or grandchildren for more than two years.
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imamommy
14 years ago
lol, my dad refers to my mom (to us kids) as "your mother".. my sister refers to my mom (to dad) as "your ex wife".. and I refer to her as "mom" or "my mom" or "that woman", depending on the situation.

I think it depends on the situation Thurman. Your wife, her ex and your daughter are always going to be related family, so it isn't unusual for her to say 'dad' instead of 'my dad' when talking to her mother, but when talking to others, it would be weird.

My mom is from a family of 9 children and their father is still alive (just had his 100th birthday) and they all refer to him as "MY father" when talking to each other. I find that strange, but to each their own. right?
sylviatexas1
14 years ago
'her father is daddy only to her, not to me, my wife or my son. So, shouldn't she say "My dad"?'

& if she said "my dad", you'd gripe because she was flaunting the fact that her dad was hers alone.

Get a grip.
silversword
14 years ago
Totally Love, when speaking to certain people. I wouldn't say, to my mom "My DAD", I would just say "dad". Same as with DD. I will often say, or DH will say "go tell Mom or Dad".

But not with other people.
kkny
14 years ago
I think it shouldnt matter.
silversword
14 years ago
Why not? Thurman is just a bit irritated. That's human. Like Ima said, people are all a little strange and it can be different for those who don't practice those customs. My DD calls her grandparents by their first names. I call them Grandma and Grandpa (even though they're really Mom and Dad to me, and they call me Mom, which is even weirder if you think about it) and DD calls them Joe and Jane.

LOL she's the sanest of the bunch, obviously, but some people think she's being disrespectful.
quirk
14 years ago
I do both, so just out of curiosity, I thought about it to see if there was a pattern. I think the pattern is, to family and to people whom I've known since childhood, I say "mom", "dad", "grandma and grandpa". To other people, I say "my mom", "my dad", "my grandparents".

So, talking to my dad and stepmom, I do say "mom said" and "grandma did". To my mom or grandma, I say "dad said". To my parents' friends I've known since I was little, it's "mom" and "dad". To my own adult friends, acquaintances, people on internet forums, it's (mostly, anyway) "my mom" and "my dad". To my brothers and sisters-in-law, aunts, uncles, cousins, "mom" and "dad".

Of course, my SM, SILs, parents' friends, aunts, etc call them "Dick" and "Jane" and "Mary", (or, possibly, "your mother", etc) not "Dad" and "Mom" and "Grandma." But, like LoveÂs parents, my parents also sometimes (not always, I donÂt think) use just "mom" "dad" "grandma" to refer about each other to us. My dad might say "has mom decided when her Christmas get-together is yet?" They have been divorced forÂ 29 years.
finedreams
14 years ago
who cares...nitpicking again. When DD talks to me, my parents or whoever else she says "dad called", "dad said". Why saying "my" when everyone knows she has only one dad. when i talk to DD i ask how is "dad" doing, not "your" dad. everyone knows he is her dad. maybe talking to stangers "my dad" sounds more reasonable but why is it even important?
nivea
14 years ago
the "Daddy" part would bother me more than my or not. What's with grown ups saying daddy or mommy? lol.
quirk
14 years ago
nivea, my mom, who is 60, still calls my grandfather Daddy. I actually do find it a bit annoying, now that you mention it. :)

To be fair, she doesn't say "my Daddy"; when talking to other people, she says my dad or my father. It's only daddy when talking to him or to my grandmother (who is mom, not mommy, btw. no, i don't get it).
sweeby
14 years ago
I find the choice of words interesting, so like Quirk, I thought about how I use the different versions.

With people who knew my mother, I generally say "Mom" instead of "my mom". They knew who I mean by 'Mom' and saying 'my mom' puts the focus of the sentence on a more generic 'the person who holds this relationship to me' rather than on 'Mom, the person in her own right'. When I'm talking to someone who didn't know my mother, then it's more 'the relationship' or the 'person in general' I'm talking about, so I use "my mom" instead.

I would agree that 'Daddy' is a bit childish for an adult.
But I'd also have to agree that Thurman is likely to take offense at whatever term SD uses. If she used "my dad" instead, that could certainly be interpreted as exclusionary -- pushing him out.
finedreams
14 years ago
people have their quirky habits. my dad developed a ridiculous habit of referring to my mother as "grandmother". it is appropriate only when grand kids are present, otherwise "dad who are you talking about?". my mom just laughs.

i think if turman would be close to his SD and involved with her then i see how he could feel offended. But he does not like her, is not close to her and generally doesn't play father's role so why is he offended? why does he care?
finedreams
14 years ago
DD22 says "mommy", not all the time but often. My DD is very affectionate. We also have some ridiculous affectionate nicknames or made up names for each other in the family, i am not even going to repeat, it would make no sense to people here. I don't see anything wrong with it.
nivea
14 years ago
LOL, Quirk that's really funny that your mom still does that. But at least she's not referring to him as daddy when talking to other people.

"DD22 says "mommy", not all the time but often. My DD is very affectionate. We also have some ridiculous affectionate nicknames or made up names for each other in the family, i am not even going to repeat, it would make no sense to people here. I don't see anything wrong with it."

Tell 'em lol.

I just think it's funny that Thurmans stepdaughter is talking about her father to other people and referring to him as "daddy." It would be like your daughter saying to her SO something about you and saying "my mommy said"
finedreams
14 years ago
oh I agree DD says "mommy" to me on the phone when she misses me, when she talks to her SO she probably says "my crazy mother said" LOL
pseudo_mom
14 years ago
When talking about my kids ... I will say MY "given first name" blah blah blah ... MY "given first name"

I know I do it ... but SD20 called me out on it ... I said I know I do, don't know why I just do. I catch myself now when she is around but I still do it often.

Also refer to Hubby as daddy when talking to the kids...When things were tense with their mom its was "your mother" now its what did mom say...

I have 3 sisters but I only refer to one as "my sister" or "auntie" the others are by name ... ... I am going out with Auntie they know its "my sister" ... not ____ or ____

when talking to SD20 about her GM I will say your mom ... I have to catch and correct myself, but she knows who I mean now :) been long enough.

But my hubby has a friend since childhood whose wife calls him "Daddy" and he calls his wife "mommy" ... when they are in public .... at the market, kmart, casino ... doesn't matter where (it grosses me out) and since she has had some "uplifting" she looks much younger than her "daddy" ... so people lear at them alot.
kkny
14 years ago
OMG, FD my DD is the same, calls me mommy at times, and my crazy mother at others.

As long as no one is using derogatory names, let it ride.
silversword
14 years ago
I think it's more like this:

DD is somewhere where Daddy is not. She is having a conversation, and instead of saying, "My daddy thinks green cars are ugly"... or "My daddy is a doctor" she says "Daddy thinks green cars are ugly" and "Daddy is a doctor".

It sounds juvinile, and I would get irritated by that too. Even if it wasn't "Daddy" and it was "Mommy".

I agree, he's probably just so irritated by her in general that this is something he's fixating on that maybe someone who wasn't already to their tipping point wouldn't notice as much.
sylviatexas1
14 years ago
"maybe someone who wasn't already to their tipping point wouldn't notice as much."

yeah, well....sorta.

He's spoiling for a fight, looking for something about which to be agrieved, & this is what he's noticed lately.
thurman
Original Author
14 years ago
Hi folks

Thanks for your responses, even though they are not always what one wants to hear. "Tipping point" is a good way to put it. No single incident by itself is a big deal, but all of them together make a very tough situation. And there's no positives. At least with your own child, there's usually unconditional love, some good moments of sharing and kindness, good words, acts of caring, etc. With a stepchild--at least mine--there's almost all negatives. The positive is when she is not around. But the electronic age, with skyping, email, cell phones, video mail, etc., means she is always around.

Thurman
silversword
14 years ago
got a burr under your saddle?

I have a similar irritation with my SM. I just decided, after over a decade of really letting her get to me, that I am just going to be nice and "do for her" when she is around.

Then after she's gone I have a few friends who will let me vent, and I laugh until I cry about her crazy antics, childish behavior and completely incomprehensible selfishness.

It's been working for me...
lamom
14 years ago
Thurman,

I called my father Daddy until he died. Within our immediate family, me, my sister, mother and father, our parents were Mom and Daddy. Outside of the immedite family I called him my father and sometimes Daddy I guess.

This is not a big deal. I know other people who still call their parents Mommy or Daddy who are well in to adulthood. It's a nickname that has stuck.
silversword
14 years ago
Thurman, My SM calls my father "my husband" to me. It irks me to no end. JUST CALL HIM BY HIS NAME!!!!!!!! arrgh!

So I understand. But it's too little to dwell on for long...
colleenoz
14 years ago
"Daddy" is her name for him. That it is also the name others choose to call their fathers is immaterial. You're probably not the only "Thurman" in the universe either. Let's face it, whether she called him "Daddy", "Pater" or "Great Panjandrum" you'd find some reason to whinge about it. That you're not whinging about something that actually matters indicates she hasn't done anything (like leaving your paper on the floor after you dropped it) that you can really complain about.
It is clear that the only thing your stepdaughter could do that would actually please you, would be to disappear off the face of the earth. The mere fact that she breathes irks you. I can't help but feel that it is "all negatives" is as much your fault as hers. That you resent her keeping in touch (presumably with her mother, not you, I can't imagine why she would call or email someone who so obviously hates her) only shows you up as a miserable old goat. Why your wife stays I can't think.
colleenoz
14 years ago
"Daddy" is her name for him. That it is also the name others choose to call their fathers is immaterial. You're probably not the only "Thurman" in the universe either. Let's face it, whether she called him "Daddy", "Pater" or "Great Panjandrum" you'd find some reason to whinge about it. That you're not whinging about something that actually matters indicates she hasn't done anything (like leaving your paper on the floor after you dropped it) that you can really complain about.
It is clear that the only thing your stepdaughter could do that would actually please you, would be to disappear off the face of the earth. The mere fact that she breathes irks you. I can't help but feel that it is "all negatives" is as much your fault as hers. That you resent her keeping in touch (presumably with her mother, not you, I can't imagine why she would call or email someone who so obviously hates her) only shows you up as a miserable old goat. Why your wife stays I can't think.
colleenoz
14 years ago
"Daddy" is her name for him. That it is also the name others choose to call their fathers is immaterial. You're probably not the only "Thurman" in the universe either. Let's face it, whether she called him "Daddy", "Pater" or "Great Panjandrum" you'd find some reason to whinge about it. That you're not whinging about something that actually matters indicates she hasn't done anything (like leaving your paper on the floor after you dropped it) that you can really complain about.
It is clear that the only thing your stepdaughter could do that would actually please you, would be to disappear off the face of the earth. The mere fact that she breathes irks you. I can't help but feel that it is "all negatives" is as much your fault as hers. That you resent her keeping in touch (presumably with her mother, not you, I can't imagine why she would call or email someone who so obviously hates her) only shows you up as a miserable old goat. Why your wife stays I can't think.
colleenoz
14 years ago
Oops! Hadn't intended to post three times and not sure how that happened. After I clicked submit I got an error message, assumed it hadn't gone through and am surprised to see it not once but three times.
silversword
14 years ago
Nothing like making your point, eh Colleen? LOL :)
darfawnda
14 years ago
Could it be that you feel by her calling her dad "daddy" vs. "my daddy" you feel that she is leaving you no room to fill a dad role? In other words, if SD called her dad "my dad", she could still call you dad too (ie. Thanks for the new shoes dad, the old ones my daddy bought me were getting too small.").

My soon-to-be SD calls her dad and mom "my dad" and "my mom" which I find a little strange compared to my upbringing, but then again my parents have been together for over 40 years so I never dealt with step-family issues. I always called my mom and dad "mom & dad" around them, my sister and other relatives but called them "my mom & my dad" around friends and strangers.

In my siutuation the strangest thing to me is when we are sitting around in the living room and SD will say something like "help, my daddy is tickling me" which seems odd to me since #1 - I can see what he is doing, and #2 - I know that he is her dad...

Oh well, kids learn all types of communication and her parents refer to each other as "your mom" and "your dad" so I would imagine that is where she picked it up from.
sylviatexas1
14 years ago
Thurman would probably have a stroke if his wife's daughter referred to him as anything "daddylike".

Look through his older posts;
he likes to be offended & resentful, & nothing she does can be right because if she does it...it's wrong.

'Daddy' or 'My Daddy'?

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