Yes,if I were you I'd start making plans to be elsewhere NOW. Then just say something like,"oh,sorry,I didnt realize what I had planned was when you were going to be here,but I've been looking forward to it."

fleurs...I know your situation and I also know your anger. We are on opposite ends of the same problem. I have recently begun to heal the relationship between my stepmother and myself, for my own sake as well as my dad's. Thing have been so hard and I have had so much anger about all of the things that have happened in the past. I found myself hanging on to that and justifing all of my anger because of the hurt she caused. She gave in and let my dad come visit for a weekend, and I am hanging on to that as a good enough reason to start to let go of all of that anger. I feel like she took a step by letting go of that control and now I need to take a step as well. I have to tell you that a HUGE weight has been lifted. I spent so much time being angry and hurt and the only person effected by my anger was ME. I am urging you, for your own sake, to let go of some of your anger toward her. If you can, find a way to make a new start with her. You will feel so much better. It takes so much energy to actively hate another person. It would be a great gift to yourself to be able to let go of that.

coolmama and raek,

Thank you so much for your posts. I appreciate them.

Yes, I've thought of making other plans while she will be at our house. However, it will be kind of difficult because her brother and her sister will be coming too and I really, really want to see them both. Because she comes from out of town, when she comes to our house, my other two stepchildren usually come so that we are all together. During those times, I have tried to keep busy in the house, I go out for walks with the puppy and I retire early to my room. This is what I intend to do on sunday anyways. Since she will be here for a week, I know she will want to come and visit her father. When she does, I plan to go to the library for a few hours, then come home, wish her well and go to bed.

Raek,
I understand your comments, however I have tried many, many, many times (perhaps even too many times) to heal the relationship with this SD. I've tried many, many, many times to forgive her behaviour, attitude, lack of respect towards me, etc. but nothing works. She is still ignorant towards me. I know dear husband has a lot of responsibility in this, but I figured that at the age this stepdaughter is, that is 26, she should be old enough by now to know what respect is. Also, I truly believe that she herself does not like me and wants really nothing to do with me otherwise I believe she would be willing to share with me things she is going through in her life, for example, a divorce. She talked about it to everybody and his dog, but hasn't mention a word to me! I've only been in her life for 18 years and was at her wedding, at the birth of her first child, etc. etc. etc.

Her and I have never seen eye to eye and we both know this today. After 18 years and after trying everyting to be nice and respectful towards her, I've really, really given up and started to ''disengage'' towards her just like I've seen other stepmoms on this Forum do after years of ups and downs with their stepchildren. The thing is though, I pray I will do this with love towards her cuz I know that ''hating'' her will only hurt me and her father more in the long run.

Once again, thank you both for your comments.
xxx

Raek, I wish youu could tell this to all the children who have estranged themselves from their families:

"I spent so much time being angry and hurt and the only person effected by my anger was ME....It takes so much energy to actively hate another person. It would be a great gift to yourself to be able to let go of that."

You are a very wise woman.

Fleurs- it sounds like you are on the right track in terms of taking care of yourself; that's the only thing you can really focus on with such short notice. Do you think there may be a time where you can talk to her as an adult where she can respond as one? I see it a lot with children of divorce (I was born into a blended family), where many infantile behaviors remain in adulthood until something clicks (call it random or absolutely personal depending on each person) and an adult relationship begins where two people may not like one another but they are able to respect one another. Raek's post gives me much hope (WHAT AN INCREDIBLE POST BY THE WAY, I re-read it several times!) that it can happen, where there is the point where two people learn to co-exist even without all the hurt...
I wish you all the best and make sure you take good good care, OK?

Thank you all for your posts. They certainly make me think.

prosperina....I understand what you are saying however I don't know. I've been telling myself for years that maybe one day her and I can have a relationship. I hope someday something will ''click'' and she will realize how ignorant she has been towards me. The thing is, however, for years and years, I've never let it me known to her that her attitude and behaviour towards me was hatefull and hurtfull. I just never wanted to argue with her and her Dad really never wanted me to discuss her attitude towards me so today we are not even used to talking real serious her and I.

I've also realized however that if I did not know this girl and I would get to know her someday, she would not be somebody I would want to associate with. Her and I are so but so different from one another, that I don't think there will ever be a day where we will see eye to eye. So now what I have to do is be polite with her. That's it, that's all!

Easier said than done however.

I must leave for the weekend. I will be looking forward to reading all your posts.

Good luck everybody.

Au revoir!

Perhaps you could go back and re-read some of the posts when she was coming for Christmas. I still think it would be helpful if you plan a few special things to do that will help you look forward to the week, instead of dreading it. Plan now to go to a movie with a friend, at least once during the week, and maybe get together with a group of friends during the week too for lunch or something. Treat yourself to a great book that you can escape and go to bed early to read, so you can tune out.

Perhaps you can buy a weeks worth of paper plates, cups, bowls, and plastic utensils so you have no additional work, with all of the additional people. Take "long" walks, (with your DH?) and chill. Splurge on having your nails done or something.

Or you could tell her that you will alternate who does the dishes each meal.

bnicebkind....I want to do all of those things!!! Wonder if I can get away with it even though I do not have a SD coming to vistit!!?? :) - fleurs_gardener...I would do exactly what bnicebkind says - this sounds wonderful! Take advantage of it.

Regarding the not lifting a finger to help out...she is an adult now, with responsibilities and children of her own. I imagine that she looks at this time as a sort of free "vacation...spring break?" Have her father tell her that each adult there will take a turn doing the dishes and alternate, so that it is fair to each of you. She is no longer a child, but even adults often revert to childhood ways and let their older parents "take care of them" when they are in their parents home. Since you are all adults, then it is only fair that "everyone" pitch in...even give the kids jobs like setting the table, etc. Perhaps each meal, a different child gets a turn, as they would do at school. You could make it a fun game. Another thing to make you life easier, if they are making messes everywhere, is to pick up a timer. Give each one a bag, and tell them that whoever picks up the most stuff before the timer goes off, gets first pick out of the prize box. Before they come, you can go to a party store (nickle/dime cheap toys like those that go in party favor bags for children, along with penny candy they will not choke on) and make a prize box. let everyone have a chance to pick, or you will have a kid crying, and who wants to hear that? If you make a game of it, they should be very excited. If you want peace and quiet, you can go out, or get your DH to take his daughter and her kids to the park for a couple of hours, or bowling, so that you can have peace and quiet at home, while you curl up with that great book you just treated yourself to!

Anyway, if you do some planning ahead of time, you will have some fun things planned, so that you do not dread the whole week, but have times to look forward to. Like a movie you would love, but your DH would hate. Go with a friend!

Bonjour everyone,

Thank you so much for all your posts. I truly enjoy reading all of your comments.

Because I get so anxious and stressed when she is around me, I no longer go on holidays with this SD and her children. I let DH do that. When she leaves, he cleans or should I say he makes sures the dishes are done and the beds are made. He'll vacum the cottage if he has time before I get there when they are all gone. When this SD and her kids and hubby are staying at our cottage, I'll sometimes go and stay one night, that is the night before they leave. That's how I've solved this problem with this SD.

She is coming home tonight with her two kids. They live most of the time at her mom's place which is like a 10 minute walk from our house. They will come and visit for supper one night and visit, that I know and plus it is her oildest child birthday this week. Last year, I baked a cake for this child. We were 10 in the room. We all enjoyed the cake except for this SD who started laughing at it, saying it tasted like pancakes, etc. etc.etc. It hurt me but what bothered me more is the fact that DH had to get in on her stupid jokes about the cake. Nobody else was laughing but those two. DH knew I was hurt. Next morning I through the whole darn cake in the garbage. He never said a word. He knew I was upset. ( I too personnaly found it wasn't the best cake I had ever made, but if you have a little bit of respect for others, you don't make fun of what others have kindly made out of their heart for your child). Anyways, this weeked, DH asked me if I was going to bake a cake and all for when SD would come over with her children. I was waiting for this question for a year!!!! No, i said. I'm not. I didn't appreciate what happened last time! DH thinks I get my feelings hurt to easily!!!

This being said, I keep telling myself I might go out and buy this child a beautiful cake, all decorated. I really love this child. I was there when she was born 9 years ago and I know she would really like to have one made just for her and that makes me happy just thinking about it!

I'm really, really, really working hard on making plans for when SD is going to be here for the week. I'll be going to the library for sure and taking walks with puppy but most I am preparing myself spiritually and mentally to relax about the whole situation. I am so sick and tired of being stressed by her that I'm finding myself more and more willing to be calm about the whole thing, telling myself this to shall pass!! After reading all the posts on this site in regards to Stepchildren and all, deep down I think my situation ain't that bad. After all, she'll only be here for a week then she goes back home!Yes!

Keep posting and thank you once again to all of you for taking the time to reply to my post.

Ciao

Fleurs- I don't think husbands understand the repercussions of a woman scorned in the kitchen! After a couple of scenarios similar to yours, I made it clear that unless they are going to cook for us, I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT! At the same time, with a baking fiasco I had one year, the children now ask for that really ugly cake I made that year (the same cake the scoffed at!).

And thinking about the tension we build in ourselves even before something happens, I am always struck by what the Dog Whisperer on the National Geographic Channel says, how we carry the past with us while dogs live in the present. I wish I was more dog like because you should see how I get worked up at times because "last time...". But I think you got it, taking care of yourself this week is probably the best "cure" for this situation. Be good and let us know how it goes...

Thank you prosperina for your posts.
She's arrived last night. She was supposed to call when she came in, but she didn't. She actually never does. It's always her father whose got to phone here or there when she arrives in town.

I'm feeling more anxious about her visit today. I know she will come over to our house with her kids and all and it makes me sick to my stomach just thinking of it. I keep telling myself I need to be calm.

I like that thought in regards to dogs. I too wish I was more dog like. I'll try it this week hihihi!

Keep posting.

Best wishes for you to hang on to your calm. Hope you can find your happy inner self.

Tonight is the night. She's coming over with her two children and probably my other stepdaughter. I've gone out and bought a beautiful birthday cake for her 9 year old on which I will put a beautiful candle I bought for her. I am so looking forward to seeing the children, having cake and ice cream and offering her a birthday present which DH is going out to buy tonight.

Once the cake and all is eaten, I've already planned things to do so I don't have to sit there and chat with the oldest SD. Got myself a good book!

Thank you all again for those who have taken the time to read me here. I find I am getting a lot more calm towards my relationship with this SD. I've truly, truly given up on making it any better. I've given up after 18 years. For the last couple of weeks,however, I've really been working hard on detaching myself from all this situation which really really makes me sick and angry. I don't want to live like that anymore. All your comments and thoughts about my situation are helping me.

This being said, I do feel sad for DH this week that his daughter has been in the same city as him all week on holidays with her children and she talked to her father only once on the phone during all this time. That was to make plans for her to come over tonight so we can offer her daughter her birthday presents!! She didn't call her father. He had to call her. Oh well! I never said a word to DH about what I think about this. Boy I'm good hiihihi!

Keep posting.