First, thanks for the "safe place". I have a great extended family and lots of wonderful friends....but when it comes to this topic, I have no peers. There is a lot of background here--will try to get it summed up--but need to be thourough, as I really would like some advice.
I have been married to DH for 8 yrs. I have an 18 yoa SS who lives with bio mom and a 16 yoa SD who lives with DH, 5 yoa son and me.
DH had been divorced for 6 years and was an NCP when we met and when we married. Switch off holidays, visitation 2 weekends a month and a month in the summer (but the SC have come to stay with us for varying lentghs of time on other school breaks and have been known to stay for the entire summer-no problem). Relationship with SC was typical....nothing too crazy--a little bit of territory stuff and a heavy dose of bio mom interference, but it was weathered (with some professional help) and all was fine for the first two years of marriage.
Relationship with SS is still quite nice. He recognizes bio mom has many issues (2 additional children by two additional fathers, no current relationship with either and some history of mental health problems). Has stayed with her (a good distance from us) in order to continue life with friends,activities, etc. Is moving to our town in 6 months to begin college. Openly discusses the fact that our lifestyle is far more stable and that "if he knew when he was younger what he knows now he'd have come to live with us sooner". Would worry this was lipservice if his actions were not in line....calls my DH, son and me individually/randomly "just to talk"....no pattern of ulterior motives.
SD came to live with us when she was 10 yoa. I threw myself in---took care of everything--volunteered at school--hw help-packed lunches-hosted slumber parties-made sure she went on "dates with daddy" etc,etc...the whole "stepmother of the year" thing. She loved me, I loved her. I basically looked at our relationship as one of aunt/niece. I was an adult, she a child, so there ws to be a level of respect for my authority. At the same time, I always kept it in both of our lines of sight that I was not her mother, and the absolutes that her father maintained, held. (Behind closed doors, he and I decided on them together). However, her mother began pressuring her to return (I'm sure, in part because trial year was ending--CS to be adjusted) and about a month before the school year ended, she became extremely disrespectful and began spewing hatred in my direction. *Hindsight (and counseling) has let us realize that her suddenly horrid behavior was a result of her need to have us want her to leave (which was the furthest thing from the truth).
She left our home where she was the only child and retured to her mother to live in a home as one of five children (due to bio-moms relationship at that time).
Previous visitation was resumed.
Son was born right before she turned 12.
At 13 she returned to live with us amidst apologies for the way she behaved, recognition that she had been horrible, etc. Again, we rearranged our lives (this time a little more effort b/c of addtion of son) and did so happily. She had started to struggle academically and socially, so we enrolled her private school, started her with some counseling,etc, etc. We were grateful that she came back to our environment, feeling that she would thrive---truly live up to her potential. By the time she had been there 6 weeks things began to unravel. *(Again with the professionally aided hindsight). I think she resented the fact that she was not the only child, and I think at that age she really "appreciated" the lax attitude of her bio-mom. I also recognize that the overnight change in structure may have been too difficult on her. Within 3 months--she was back at her bio-moms house.
Returned to bio-mom right as a very nasty divorce ensued.
Back to original visitation.
Right after she turned 15, her bio mom started campaigning for her return to our home. My husband felt he had to allow her back (better off here than at bio moms/can't turn back on daughter). I didn't feel like I was in a position to say no (didn't want to be blamed/resented if some horrible fate came to pass). She has now been here almost 2 years and it is an absolute disaster. There has been a lot of counseling and she has been tested for every psychological disorder that fits her behovioral descriptions. She SCREENS high on ADHD and Oppositional Defiant Disorder, but it stops short of a clinical diagnosis. She is disruptive to a point beyond description. She argues with everyone, has friends here and there, but no friendships to speak of. She fights with her father constantly----calls him and me all of the horrible (and I mean the MOST horrible)names in the book---sometimes in front of our son. She has explained to me that she hates me, wants nothing to do with me, and that I have absolutely no bearing on her life, nor is it her "problem" that I live with her father. Whew---
So sorry, I know this is long---------here comes the "venting"
At this point, my husband ignores her rages, I ignore her almost completely (please---don't attack me on that one----it's truly about self preservation), She wants nothing to do with her (little) brother and I've attempted to buffer him from all of this (that seems to be working relatively well so far---he's fabulous! :). My husband and I have resolved to "make it through" (he has official custody now).
I AM EXHAUSTED. DH and I do not fight about anything else and have learned (again---through counseling) to "trash" anything pertaining to SD (meaning---we can hash it out, but it has to be kept from bleeding into the healthier parts of our marriage.) But the "discussions" are more frequent....
I only "get involved" with her when it DIRECTLY (I know this all affects him indirectly) affects our son. If she insults or demeans him, I become livid. I do not forgive her for disrespecting my DH to the degree she has.
I hate that I am disregarded, talked around (as in, I'm standing at stove cooking and DH is reading the newspaper and she asks him what's for dinner), and frequently verbally abused (by her) in my home.
She went to bio mom for 2 weeks on holiday (never goes for weekend) and it felt like a vacuum had sucked all of the tension out of our home.
DH knows these things.
He WILL NOT send her away.
We've done (and still are) counseling. Individual, marriage, family.
I resent that she is such a disruption to the home that I work hard to provide (in the "mother nest" sense-DH and I both contribute financially).
I am so worried about the impact that this will have on our son....
A divorce is not the answer but, I have actually considered moving my son and myself into an apartment until she graduates from HS.
WOW this is long!
I am sad for my DH that he feels like he's stuck, I have felt sorry for SD that she has so many issues (yes---meds have been tried)---but have I reached the point that enough is enough?!?!?
jenkin
mmommyOriginal Author
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