My husband never refers to me as his second wife. He refers to me as the love of his life. His greek wife! lol.. and as for the kids..they all refer to their names and brothers sisters...etc...etc..
I introduce my stepdaughter by name and sometiems, my daughter...i hate when they ask is it your daughter...and i say no...its my husbands daughter...i can see the discomfort and pain that runs across her face..i wish people would ask me that in private!

It's a way of inserting distance that is rarely helpful. There are sometimes when I think it does make sense, though.

My 35-year old stepson hardly knows my very pivate 16 year-old son. They certainly don't dislike each other, but would have to work really hard to have a conversation if left alone in a room together! They're step-brothers, and I think, referring to each other as anything else would just feel weird to both of them. Same with my step-daughter. It explains how it is that they're 'brothers' yet clearly hardly know each other.

But this same 35-year old stepson is much loved by my younger 12-year old son, who refers to him as his brother, even though they're technically 'halfs'. Someone once tried to tell my younger son that my older son was actually his 'half-brother' and got an earful of questions for his trouble! Those two were raised together and are completely 'brothers', even though they're as different as can be in virtually every way. It's love that binds them.

My Ex once tried to get my older son to refer to the younger as his 'half-brother' but thankfully, it didn't stick. It was the one area where he actually gave me my way when I protested. I told him "When talking to A, you don't have to refer to J as his "brother" if you don't want to, just call him J."

I only refer to my step mom's children as J, my step sister (because she at one time was close to my dad, but we were grown when our parent's married so there isn't a sister relationship). After what she has done to my dad, I have a hard time referring to her as anything other than a B*. So, I don't engage in conversation where she will be mentioned and if someone brings her up, I would still say step sister.

As for her brothers, I went to grade school with one (he was in my class from K-6 grade and we didn't really get along. He was a jerk) so I never felt comfortable calling him anything but Dan. His older brother was a bigger jerk and I only saw him once in the entire last twenty years. (and again at court, so twice). I don't have a word to use with/for them and jerk is the nicest one I can think of.

I don't have any half siblings... but if my kids were to refer to one of their half siblings as such, I would probably tell them that it's rude. (I'm talking about the kids that are not mine. My kids have always considered themselves just brothers/sister growing up)

In 6 years, my son and stepsons have never met..that was my sons choice, which I am very sorry for, but he refused to meet them. And he is the same age as the older SS, 8 years older than the youngest, and he (God love him) was and is very curious to meet my son ...And, I m just guessing here, but the steps call me my dads wife, and my son calls my DH that guy you married...Sad, huh?

My SD has never referred to her 2 brothers as "halves", and I have never heard her call her new sister from her mom a half either. I hope she never feels she needs to.

My step daughter introduced me as her mother in law instead of step mom. We gad a good laugh over her blunder.

According to my child's textbook, step-mother and mother-in-law are the same word in French.

And is there a picture of a wicked witch next to the definition?? :-)

The word for "lawyer" in French is the same as for "avocado"! ["Avocat"]

Don't really have a point here, just always thought that was absurdly funny.

so attorneys are mushy, fattening and expensive? Makes sense to me!

My dad married my SM when me, my brother and SMs two sons were all grown and out of the house. I consider them my step-brothers. Saying "step" is not a bad word in my family - and I don't think it should be. It's not an insult - it's just the truth. Calling them my brothers would denote a closeness and similarity that we don't have, even though they are great guys and we always have fun at the holidays. But they do not share the same title as my blood brother, who has been my best friend my whole life.

It has been interesting to read the posts here. I never considered that a young girl would be hurt to hear her SM call her a SD. I was always offended when my SM referred to me as her daughter! Probably because she did this inconsistently and only at a time and place where she wanted to impress someone!

For example, when I joined a sorority, graduated college, went abroad with Peace Corps...she thinks these things are a reflection of her "influence" in my life. Not so. They are a reflection of my values and goals and the love and support given to me by close friends and family (while people in my life like her were giving me the silent treatment). When I listened to music she did not approve of and pierced my eyebrow, I was lucky to get anything other than a pursed smile and then be ignored. LOL!

Saying your stepdaughter is your daughter may feel right - it depends on the people. But in my case, my SM just wants the world to think she has put love and time and many years into a marriage and family, when all she has done is swoop in during my teen years, cut me down and tell me I would not amount to anything while growing up. She tried to mold me into her own image, and I'm just not that person. Well, I turned out more than all right; at 29 I hold a Master's degree, have a high-paying job and have traveled the world.

Suddenly she is there to act like she had a part in it. "'We' always knew you'd get your act together..." Please. She thought because when I was a kid I liked rap and baggy pants that I was throwing my life away...I was actually a straight-A student my whole life, albeit sometimes with a bad attitude, but never caused real trouble. Just because I never shared her politics, her bigotry, or her materialism, does not mean that I was not worth making a relationship with until my "success". I am the kind of person who likes to hear from people with different views and can listen and absorb respectfully. She is the kind of person who ignores you when you say something she disagrees with, instead of saying, "Oh really, why do you think that? I never thought of it that way."

When kids grow up, they always remember who saw their potential and encouraged them on their path, and who didn't.

My SM has always been less judgmental of her own kids than she has of my brother and I. However, irrespective of whether or not she would be a SM she would still be a judgmental person that loves me conditionally, and that is why I do not like it when she tries to represent herself as a mother figure in my life (insinuating "look what I did").

In my opinion it makes no difference, step, half, sis, brother. It maybe wrong for one person right for the next. It is usually the adults that make it a problem. My son and his wife had a problem with one of their boys eating. When they came to my home and stayed while finding a job and apartment in Kansas they would pick at the one son trying to get him to eat. I put a stop to it, no fighting at the table by anyone. I told my grandson you don't have to eat if you don't want to, but you can't have any desert or snacks later. Problem solved. My little sister was the same about eating Holiday dinners, she wanted a bologna sandwich instead of the turkey and trimmings. We let her eat the sandwich, she eventually realised what she was missing. LOL

norcal, I see where you are coming from, but my situation is the opposite. My mom was toxic to me as a teenager and one of the things that guided me through was my dad and step mom. My step mom was a Marriage & Family Therapist and talked me through some tough times. My mom was an alcoholic and growing up with her, I made many poor choices which made my life harder. My dad married my step mom when I was 17 and when I was in my early 20's, I finally gave her a chance. I found out that she wasn't the terrible person my mom made her out to be. She gave me advice that has helped me throughout my life and I never got a chance to thank her. A few years later, she had an aneurysm and now, I take care of her when my dad is working. I love my mom because she's my mom, but I don't like her as a person. I've accepted that she is who she is. I don't refer to my step mom as mom, but there is a respect for her that I don't have for my mom. I think it is more important to see the person, not the title.

"I think it is more important to see the person, not the title."

Ima,

That is so true. The titles we fall under do not tell the whole story. I am or may be perceived as a daughter, a stepdaughter, a cousin, a niece, a granddaughter, a college and sorority alumna, a girlfriend and future stepmom, a friend, an ex-girlfriend, an enemy, an employee...you get the picture. =-) I definitely give the people in my life who are there for me respect, no matter what their association with me is.

Sounds like your SM was a good egg and that you were lucky to have her in your life. It's too bad that she became so ill - I have read your previous posts on the topic and it is really a shame. She and your dad would have probably had a very different life if that had not happened. You said you did not get a chance to thank her for everything she had done for you. But there is reciprocity; you have taken care of her in her time of need when her own children didn't/wouldn't/couldn't. How's that for a title!

Step/half...whatever!

It's called a FAMILY - just love each other!