I understand that "previous life" could be upsetting to children if it is heard. What I take from someone saying "previous life" is that they are just saying that that part of the life is over. It is no longer ex, spouse, and kids. There is now a new life, which does include the kids but not the ex spouse. Sometimes the man or woman may change after divorce. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. But it is a change and their life has changed. It is like they are starting over in a "new life".

I think of it like when some people say things like "when I was fat" because they used to be overweight but diet and exercise transformed them into a different appearance. They are still the same person, but now their lifestyle has changed. Maybe they go out more, maybe they exercise regularly instead of sitting on the couch so much, maybe their diet habits have completely changed.

So, I think the words "previous life" can just mean that their life has changed dramatically, not that all parts of their life are disregarded.

I know that when my father remarried, I virtually ceased to exist to him so I would consider that some do view it as different 'lives'. Some people do take it to the extreme (like my dad) who lost weight, won't eat the same foods, watch the same shows,do the same hobbies etc.. as when he was married to my mom, almost as if its taboo. If you ask me people who have to make that 'clean cut' into a new 'life' are just attempting to run away from the pain/residual feelings they find in their 'old life'. Its not an adult way to respond to change.

I think it is just as offensive as when someone here complained when her DH referred to his current family as a second family. You or your DH can have a previous husband or wife and you can be a second wife. Your children are your children. Your DHs children are his children.

That's a very thought provoking question, serenity. I agree; to say previous life does make it sound dead and over, which is disrespectful and hurtful to any children born of that life . . . and even to the ex. Though the marriage has ended the life has not, and that phrasing certainly makes it sound as though it has. If I am "explaining" my SD I will say that she is my DH's daughter from his first marriage. I would say he acquired the cat from his first marriage. He went to California when he was previously married. I don't think I've ever used *life* in any context except possibly in a joke between DH and I.
We only have one life, so would you have been a college student in a previous life? I have heard recovered addicts refer to that period as their past life, but I would say that is because they would prefer it be forgotten. Perhaps that is how some feel about their previous marriages. To feel that way is fine, but I think to use the term when there are children involved could be taken the wrong way.

If previous marriage was emotionally or physically abusive or neglectful or just very bad, it is pretty normal to want to change so much in your life in terms of clothes, food etc. This is nothing to do with kids. Unless you tell your kids: you are my previous kid lol this is nothing to do with kids. Your marriage is over, your kids are not over.

Semantics are important, because they provide shading and context to our words.

And I do think of my first marriage as my 'previous life' -- because everything about my life - me included - was different in that marriage. For me, this IS a whole new life, and a much, much better one. And I think of my husband's first marriage as his 'other life', and also the long stretch during which he was single as another of his 'other lives' because he also changed everything about his life when he married meand became stepfather to a 3 year old.

In my view, it's the same thing as the subtle differences between 'my stepson', 'my son' and 'my husband's son' -- They all say subtly different things.

Yes - I do agree that the whole phrase is used to put up a 'wall' or 'divide' between time spans, to separate them entirely with a clean break. But sometimes that's a good thing.

"who lost weight, won't eat the same foods, watch the same shows,do the same hobbies etc.. as when he was married to my mom, almost as if its taboo. If you ask me people who have to make that 'clean cut' into a new 'life' are just attempting to run away from the pain/residual feelings they find in their 'old life'. Its not an adult way to respond to change."

I agree completely. It is inauthentic (is that a word?) to change unrelated habits and preferences when you divorce, or when you make any other major life change.

I am in my first marriage and have several 'previous lives' since I became an adult (legal age). I was a teenage mom that had dropped out of high school and worked in fast food. (I went back & finished through the adult school) I later moved in with a BF for several years. In that life, I was a student and mom to six kids. I worked at a department store when the kids were small. Then my life transitioned when I started working in social services. Once I had a regular work schedule and the kids were school aged, I volunteered in the community more, lead the scouts for my boys, and spent most of my time driving my kids to sports, dance, & scouts. Then I became single again and was a struggling single parent with teenagers. I had health problems and then I resigned my 'desk' job to be my own boss. In this life, I am a wife, a mom to grown kids, a step mom & run my own business. It's very different than all of my previous lives. Some of the people in my past lives don't even recognize me anymore. My husband has his previous lives too. He isn't the same person he was when he was married before. Or when he was with his daughter's mom. Or when he was a single dad.

In my opinion, the phrase 'previous life' is only talking about a life that doesn't exist anymore. It is not disrespectful for the people in that life. The ex wife and the children had that same previous life and now their life is different too. It's only negative if you intend to use it as a negative. My children have been a part of all my previous lives and they have their own perceptions of it. I think it would be far worse to refer or to say 'previous family' as they are still a part of your family. One of the things that upset kids when a parent remarries, is the fear that they may somehow be replaced by the new or second family. Instead, they should be be made to feel a part of the new family, because they are.

Its not WHAT you say ....Its HOW you say it!!!

My husband referred to me as his "new wife"... that did not sit well with me just rubbed me the wrong way still don't know why. But I did say to him please just say wife rather than "new wife".

I think these things are complicated and unique. I wish there were a book that had guidelines for divorce, parenting single, & blending families. I've read several on step-parenting but find you all more interesting.
Many times it is how something is being said. If I complained to my Dad's gf that Dad was a cheater and a drunk. If she were to come back & say, "Melissa that was another life or that was a lifetime ago. He's not that way anymore. I wouldn't be upset.
I wouldn't use the term "previous life" to my skids unless I was describing myself, not referring to their Dad's previous life. I would say in my "previous life" I was a stripper, like distancing myself from something I'm not any longer. I never was a stripper, used that as an example. I think it might make them think their family wasn't significant or didn't mean as much. So I wouldn't say it to them. Actually, I don't say anything now.
I'm so sensitive with words, Serenity, that it feels weird writing "skids" instead of writing out the whole word.