Question for Lazygardens ... or anyone else!

22 years ago

Hi All,

Lazygardens, you seem to be very well informed in matters of the psyche, so I have a question.

I believe I have posted that my husband's ex is planning on filing for custody of my SD again -- I suspect her plan is to try to regain custody in time for the start of the next school year,and I look to be served any time.

Here is my question. My SD adamantly does not want to live with her mother. Yet her mother persists in messing with this child's head ... telling her things like "I registered you in school" and "we went to an open house at your new school" ... and bribing this child with just about anything, promises galore. Oh, and here's my personal favorite: "God didn't want you to live in an apartment, so that's why I let you live with your Dad. Now that we've moved into our new house, God wants you back with me" ...

This crazy woman persists in trying to make my SD feel guilty for being happy with us, and for ... gasp ... loving her stepmother (me!). So, the head games continue on and she keeps telling my SD very bold lies ... things that we have written proof of what is true and what is not.

She's messing with my SD's head big time, and she cares about nobody but herself. When she does file for custody again -- and that's a given -- we plan on countering with a request for reduced visitation (or even supervised visitation) because of her mental instability. But in the meantime, what can I say to my SD to help her get through this? It's so very tempting for me to scream 'YOUR MOTHER IS CRAZIER THAN A LOON" ... but of course I don't. Any words of wisdom would be appreciated.

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Comments (5)

User
22 years ago
"My SD adamantly does not want to live with her mother."

She just has to keep telling the judge or social worker that. And she has to explain why in detail ... mom never follows through on things, mom lies about what happens, new SO scares her and her mom ... whatever it true and verifiable.

"Yet her mother persists in messing with this child's head ... telling her things like "I registered you in school" and "we went to an open house at your new school"

And none of this has happened? Or is the BM making plans without her daughter, making a fantasy life and pretending that it's going to happen? You can explain this to her as that her mom has a hard time accepting real life, and is hjoping that pretending it will happen vcan make it happen ... much like a 3-year old will pretend to have a horsie.

"... and bribing this child with just about anything, promises galore."
Which the SD knows aren't going to happen.

"Oh, and here's my personal favorite: "God didn't want you to live in an apartment, so that's why I let you live with your Dad. Now that we've moved into our new house, God wants you back with me" ..."

YIKES! Tell the SD that if God REALLY wants her to go live with her BM, God will appear to the SD and tell her so himself!

"But in the meantime, what can I say to my SD to help her get through this? It's so very tempting for me to scream 'YOUR MOTHER IS CRAZIER THAN A LOON" ... but of course I don't."
She's probably old enough to understand that her mom has "problems" and is living in a pretend world where everything goes her mom's way. You could say "it's a kind of being crazy, where she just doesn't believe she can't have her own way, so she keeps trying to make it happen."

Keep telling her that the her dad, you, and the law are ALL on her side ... point out the laws which probably say that a child over the age of 10 or so has a lot of input inot the custody issues.
Pashan
22 years ago
She's probably old enough to understand that her mom has "problems" and is living in a pretend world where everything goes her mom's way. You could say "it's a kind of being crazy, where she just doesn't believe she can't have her own way, so she keeps trying to make it happen."

I agree Lazygardens. I would think that not telling her would do more harm in the long run. She should know that her mother isn't stable mentally. I am afraid that years from know she'll say, "What didn't someone tell me that wasn't normal?"

There is a fine line between telling her enough and telling her too much. Walking just this side of that line is tough. Mom24 you are doing a marvelous job protecting her emotions and her feelings for her mother. So many step-mothers would have just screamed "YOUR MOTHER IS CRAZIER THAN A LOON" a long time ago...

I think seeking the advice of a mental health professional would be a good move. I don't mean counseling as much as just some advice on how to tread lightly with her emotions and her feelings. She longs to feel secure and a professional might be able to give you some tools to give this poor child a strong sense of security with your family. She will need it for the upcoming battle with "the loon".

Please keep us abreast of this situation, I check the boards daily wondering about her...

~P
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Karissa
22 years ago
I would say .... "You are such a smart girl. You've been through so many things with your Mom and Dad divorcing and all. We would love to have you stay with us , but your Mom wants you too. There will be a hearing soon with people that really care about your well being. This will be your chance to tell them whith whom you want to live. " If she wants to live with you .... she will tell it right then!!!
User
22 years ago
mom24 -
YOu might consider having her see a counselor, to help her learn to cope with her mom's problems. She CAN do it, but she needs a coach and you are a bit too close to the firing line.
BettyL
22 years ago
What I say to My SS - She is your mother. You have been dealing with her your whole life. You have dealt with her successfully in the past and you HAVE the ability/skills to deal with her now.

At this point in her life, she will probably not change. That is O.K. Accept her for the way she is AND realize that it is the way SHE IS - NOT - THE WAY YOU ARE. Just because she is a goof ball, doesnÂt make you a goof ball.

Then if he still needs more re-assurance Â I just repeat the above, including personal past examples of his altercations with his mother.

The whole time I am screaming in my mind - 'YOUR MOTHER IS CRAZIER THAN A LOON" ...

Question for Lazygardens ... or anyone else!

Comments (5)

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Pashan

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Karissa

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BettyL

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