I'd like to agree with your epiphany, but it hasn't sounded much like your DH will. My DH tells me all the time that I give his X more credit than she deserves, and so far he hasn't been wrong once when her true motives have come to light.

Still, I like to think the mother of this child we all love is basically a good person, but just sometimes confused or ill-equipped in getting along well with others in regard to her child. I think it's good idea to try to see people in a positive light...even if it's hard...and hope for the best!!

I don't think you can go wrong living by the slogan: "Prepare for the worst but hope for the best."

GIven background and the difficult nature of these relationships in general, I wouldn't think you're wrong, overly negative, mean or judgemental to do as you have, which is to open yourself to the possibility of an improved relation with her while making mental notes about things that strike you as odd or mildly upsetting (i.e. her not chipping in). Given the situation, you'd be naive to go in with rose-colored glasses. On the other hand, you don't want to find yourself scrutinizing every little thing and wondering too much whether you should take offense. That'll just drive you nuts. Maybe just write down your thoughts as they occur (so you can remember/make sense of upset feelings later if situation devolves, i.e. she continues being consistenty more of a taker than a giver) but then close the notebook and put it in a drawer until you need it again. I'm a believer in remembering and even documenting slights for my own memory (even when people say "just forget it entirely") b/c later on if problems escalate and you haven't clarified the issues you can wind up feeling very crazy and even dis-believed by others. "Gaslighted", unsure if you can even believe yourself or trust your own memory. But once these things are written down, you know you've remembered them/put them somewhere for safe keeping, so it can be easier to let them go and put them out of your mind day-to-day. That can give you more of a sense of freedom and fearlessness remaining open to the idea of positive improvement with her. This trick has helped me in my own life, not solved all the problems or taken away all my anger, but it's helped me feel more clear, calm and confident facing the huge uncertainty and unpredictable hornet's nest that is the situation between me, my Dad and his wife at this intense & volatile time... where all three of us feel somewhat obligated to "play nice" even as all our deepest parent/child/step issues come up.

I have to agree with Serenity on keeping a journal of what she says/does and how you feel about it at the time. Sometimes, it's easier to see things when you look back on it and have time to think & reflect.

Be optimistic but careful... that old saying 'keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer' comes to mind. She may have had her own epiphany and woke up to realize how lucky she is that you are so good to her child, but she may also have other motives. It sounds a little bit like she has so much stress at home, that she's needing to get rid of the stress between the two of you. Of course, I'm an optimist and always look for the bright side... so I hope you are right. I'm excited for you!

"When playing with a snake beware the head."

Keep that in mind, I'd hate to see you and your DH caught in a trap of BM's making. History does repeat itself, war does happen repeatedly, and old dogs don't learn new tricks. However, stay optimistic, hope for the best and be prepared for the worst. Go ahead and keep that journal. If nothing else, use it as something that you can go back to in the years after SD is grown and smile about all the little things that happened. Write good things as well as negative.

I've got my fingers crossed for you JNM! Hopefully BM is realizing that you're a fantastic SM and she's willing to bury the hatchet so to speak, only this time not in your back!

Keep us posted!