I am an X but I am not bitter at all. lol I am not sure how is it going to work for you dating your husband. You want to stay with him right? Just don't want to be married? I am not sure if you can go backwards in a relationship. Like undo marriage and date again? I have never met anyone who did it. Do you have your own children, how would they react?

In any case I wouldn't worry as much about how SKs are going to take it but how it is going to work between you and DH not being married but still seeing each other. I wonder if you will miss living together and if this kind fo arrangement would feel artifical?

I have been a stepchild & also have skids. I understand the boundary thing. Do I ever!!
Do the skids like you? How old are they? It seems to me sometimes children are like pawns in a divorce. Not always, but sometimes. Like both parents don't set boundaries because they want the kids to like them more or something. Maybe they set fewer boundaries out of guilt. I sympathize with you & hope all works out for you in the future. It seems you know yourself well.

I have heard once of a couple going back to dating because marriage turned out to not be what they expected.

There was an older lady who lived across the street from me when I was a teenager. Her adult son lived there with her, and her husband had passed many years prior.

She met a man, they married, and he moved in. A few months later her husband moved out, but we would see him come pick her up from time to time, take her out, and then bring her back home.

My mother asked her why he had moved out, and she told us that she just couldn't stand watching him sit in her husband's (meaning deceased first husband) chair and that her son was uncomfortable having a man who was not his father in the home. She said that she still loved him, and he loved her, but that living together as a married couple just wasn't what they thought it would be.

Her husband moved out, but the never actually got a divorce, and until he died a few years later, they continued to go out on dates, and she seemed very happy with that relationship.

We always thought the whole situation was a bit odd, but it just goes to show that strange things sometimes work out for some people. If you still love him, perhaps you can work something out...even if it just turns out that you become just friends.

I don't really have advice on how your husband's children may react, but if the relationship is strained currently, they may actually feel a bit relieved for you two to figure out a better strategy for yourselves. It has been my experience that happy parents make for happy children.

Anyway, I'm not sure this will be helpful in any way, but I wish you well in your decision.

I am a stepchild and I was 17 when my dad married my step mom. By that time, I was having my own child and a bit more mature than other 17 year olds. I love my dad and knew he deserved to be happy, he had stuck it out in a marriage to my mom (an alcoholic that cheated on him). I wasn't crazy about the idea of a step mom but overall, I didn't live with him and it didn't have as much impact as it would have if I did.

Perhaps in time, your step children will realize that their father deserves happiness and be more accepting of your relationship. It may happen as they go out on their own and start their own families. I think it's unfair for him to have to put his marriage/relationship on hold for several years when his kids don't even live with him full time, but if it's the only way to salvage your relationship, then you should do what you have to do. They are teenagers and perhaps when you do divorce him, they will be pleased by it or they will have a wake up call that their father is alone again. From what you've said, I don't put my money on the wake up call. It doesn't matter really what they think, it' your life and your husband's life. In a few years, they will choose their mates/partners and it's highly unlikely that they are going to NOT marry or be with someone because their parent's disapprove.

During my first year of marriage to my husband it was difficult because of his estranged daughter (who lived with us for the summer) and his 13 y/o son who lived with us. When the son really seemed to be going the direction of his sister (entitlement attitude, lazy, etc.), I told my husband that if he (the son) doesn't want to live with his mother, then I will go live at our summer house until the child goes off to college because if we stayed in the same house, we would end up divorcing (and not liking each other very much). I saw that option as a way to still keep our love intact, but to manage the situation. Luckily, the son got the message (probably from his sister who told him how we fought when so much when she was with us over the summer). Frankly, I was losing respect for my husband when I saw these kids out of control, so I know that if nothing changed, I would have decided on a divorce. Thank God, things did change....

Bottom line -- go for it. It may also be a wake up call for HIM to realize that his situation isn't working for HIM. No woman will tolerate that so either he gets his kids under control, or he will be alone. And, by dating, you stand a chance at preserving your love and simply postponing your togetherness.

As for the kids....I doubt they'll care! They aren't in the stage of "my poor Dad is alone" -- they're more likely to think "cool, she's gone, now we can run the house the way WE want to"!!!

Good luck!

Newstepmom..This is heartbreaking...But its only been a year, do you really want to give up your marriage so quickly? I heard something once, when the going gets tough, you dont change your spouse, you change your behavior.. (Both you and your spouses, I mean)There has to be another solution than divorce and dating..I do have 2 SS(been married 3 years now)and there has, and still are rough patches with one of them,but when I didnt want to see the troublesome one, I d go out with friends,and he d come and see his dad, or my husband would take the boys out, a movie, lunch or shopping and I d stay at home...I have no relationship with this son now, but my DH and I are hoping it wont always be that way in the future, we still have hope....I ve posted this before, but didnt you say for better or worse when you got married to DH? It may be worse right now, but it could get better...And since they are teenagers, they will be adults soon..We have it a lot better than these poor SMs that have toddlers or young children , they have a long way to go..After 18, these kids can make up their own minds about the relationship(or lack there of) with you...And the interfering EX will have nothing to say about control of 18 and ups, so if thats your problem, it wont be for too much longer...I guess what I m saying is dont give up hope..If you love each other, you may be able to overcome this....all the best....

Newstepmom, I sympathize with you. I don't have any advice but will tell you my story for whatever it's worth. We married when I was 42 and my DH 48. We have 3 children each, all grown except for my son who was not living with me full time at that time so it wasn't a child problem except that he was a money pit for his. When we married we agreed that we couldn't give to 6. Mine never asked for anything but fair was fair so no more money. They weren't impressed. Anyway, that's just background info, not the real problem. He gave his kids all his furnishings and moved in with me but kept his house and we rented it out. Within just a few months he started wanting to go back to his house and nothing I could do would change his mind. So he had the renters move out, bought all new furniture and essentials and moved back in. His daughter was ecstatic. Ok so that wasn't what I wanted but it was what I got and I wasn't about to sit around moping about it. I considered myself not married even though no papers had been signed. So I started dating. He was a deputy sheriff, working the night shift, so he starting driving by my house frequently. One night, discovering I was out he kept driving by until my date brought me home. He let himself in and when I got through talking so did I. He was furious, pulled my ring off and kept it, pulled his off and gave it to me. I told him I had no use for it and slung it across the room, told him I needed my house key since he didn't live here. He gave it to me and left and I went to sleep. Very early the next morning he was ringing the doorbell, came in and wanted to know if I had slept. Told him I had slept well. He put my ring back on my finger and told me not to ever take it off again. I told him I didn't take it off to start with. He found his and put it back on. Shortly afterwards he told me he was moving back in. I told him I didn't help him move out and wasn't helping move back. But he did and had his daughter and her young children come over and explained to all of them that we were family and I was their Granny and that was the way it was. We got his furniture sold and the house rented out again and that took care of him wanting to move out. Fast forward a few years and his children all love and respect me, as mine do him. My 12 year old son came to live with us full time and his dad never got him again. It was very trying raising a teenage son but we were united on how to raise him and he grew up to be a lovely person and loves his stepdad. I guess the moral to my story is ~ you just never know how things are going to turn out. We have been married 22 years and we can't imagine life without each other. Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

newstepmom, congratulations on knowing what you want or not want and acting on it. I have to admit that I whined and moaned about my husband's ex and his kids, but did nothing. We all have needs and we filled those needs for each other. I guess it boiled down to Abby's statement, "would you be better off with or without him". I am glad I stayed, but if I had been self supporting, not sure what I would have done at that time in my life. I envy the ladies out there that can support themselves and I can't understand why any of you stay in a situation that makes you so unhappy.

Gajopa, THAT is the kind of story newstepmom needs to hear!!!! You dont know what you have til you lose it!!!! I must admit you had me on pins and needles reading when the deputy sheriff came back to Dodge!!! Was nervous this was going to have a bad ending, having been a sheriff myself!! LOL..Inspiring, and this 3 year going strong marriage looking forward to 22 plus..Thank you!!!!

Hi,

I agree with dotz that you should try to stick things out a few more years if your relationship is basically good but the "only problem" you perceive is the effect of his children's behavior on you or you and he disagreeing about them, etc. Teenagers are usually obnoxious and tough to raise; it's not a notorious age ---for most of us--- for nothing. Even the very sweetest, most mature, thoughful person you know probably had a few flare-ups and periods of brattiness. And this is certainly more likely to be the case in a blended family. My bet is on these kids growing up to be just fine, like the vast majority of people on this earth who were once teens, and you all having a nice relationship a few years down the road. If it's typical teen behavior issues (which covers a pretty broad range, believe me) and not something decidedly more cruel, unusual, disturbing, then I'd ride this period out. The concern would be, if I was your DH, that you could only handle the marriage when things were easy and stress-free and everyone was on their best behavior. Then it might make me question whether this marriage could ever handle anything stressful or complicated in the future, either future issues with these same kids (a likely possibility that they'd be estranged and bitter towards you forever if they knew ---and they would--- that the divorce was "because of them") or with any other difficult, stressful situation (i.e. one of you gets a serious illness; do we take MIL in or not; midlife crisis; someone loses their job; house gets ripped apart by tornado, etc.) If I were him I might also resent being forced to make a choice, even if I "chose" you, and it would be hard to forget that in order to be with you I had to keep my kids away. Especially if there was ever any conflict about anything else, that could come out in fights and bite you in the butt for years to come. In this light, I would agree with Finedreams that it would be darn near impossible to "go backwards" and then "forwards" again, at least in the same way. If you're hoping that you can just put the marriage "on hold" until his kids are grown and then come back and everything would be fine, I wouldn't count on that. First of all, like I said, he'd probably doubt your commitment to be there in the long haul "through thick and thin" and handle things (as well as you having your own doubts about it); secondly, if you're imagining that the kids will be fully "gone" or a complete non-issue when they turn 18, think again. This may not be what you're consciously thinking or wanting out of this divorce ultimatum, but on a certain level you are making a clear statement to DH and SK's that you don't want to be married to him if they're in the picture. That's going to have an effect, and the kids will hate you for it, and you will have to deal with that as long as you're in their father's life. Sorry that sounds harsh, but it's true. If you think you can deal with that (because you'll be exposed to it less frequently), go ahead and try it, and best of luck to you.

I definitely wouldn't count on the miraculous teen "wake-up call" scenario. Partly because teens are self-absorbed and gonna do what teens wanna do; and partly because the responsibility for this potential spilt is not on them. Yes, they are responsible for their *behavior*, but bad teen behavior by no means always leads to parental divorce, and even when it does, that isn't their decision. YOU'RE the one filing for divorce, and their DAD is the one possibly agreeing to it. They're just doing their bratty teen thing; you're breaking up the marriage/family and causing another disruption/abandonment in their family life. If you were their bio-mom and wanted a divorce because you suddenly decided you couldn't be or didn't want to be a mom because of the harder parts of the job, these teens would not say to themselves: "Oh, gee, Mom's leaving because we don't behave good...maybe we better clean up our acts!" They'd say: "Oh, gee, Mom's leaving because she can't handle us. I guess she's an unfit mother who didn't have any business birthing kids if she can't deal. And I guess this also means we're all-powerful because we can make Mom leave, we're strong and she's weak." NOT pretty, not nice, but a lot more realistic for the age. And that's how they'd feel if it was BIO-mom. They're not going to have much of a guilty conscience about "driving away" someone who isn't even their mother. It'll be more like: "She couldn't deal; no skin off my nose; now let me get back to what I really care about: my friends, my car, my school, the mall, my life..." Selfish, yes, but teens are selfish. A few years older and they more naturally start seeing long-term consequences and thinking outside their own skins and considering their effect on others. With time, love and patience, you will see that transformation faster than you think.

I'm a stepchild, of a full-time custodial step-father and also of part-time long-distance Dad's GF. I was a normal teen for the most part, with plenty of lashing out and "Screw you, you're not my father!!'s hurled in SF's direction; he was bossy and stubborn, made me work hard and earn everything and I was a lazy free spirit drama queen adjusting to two new step-figures in my life, moving houses, puberty, etc. He and I both had to deal with A LOT of crap with each other, on a daily basis. Dad's GF had to "tolerate" me as a "guest" 2-3 weeks total out of the year which she's made clear through the years (via a whole series of power plays, snide insinuations, threats and ultimatums) was more than she could bear even though I was a model child and on my best behavior on my visits to my dad because I idolized him and desperately wanted to please. My step-dad bore the brunt of my unacknowledged anger and divorced-kid abandonment issues and didn't have an easy time for the 5+ years I lived with him (my teen years) and we have little in common as people. But he stuck it out, was patient, there for me, strong and didn't flinch or take things too personally... and now we have all the love and respect for each other in the world and couldn't be happier we've had each other in our lives. This mutual love and respect will last FAR longer than the few years of fights and yelling and nagging and hormones. So, in the end, I have the far better relationship with the SP I was in constant lockhorns with growing up and the far worse one with the GF whose circumstances only made her have to deal with me very infrequently (a set-up you suggest you desire). Life can be full of surprises and not turn out how you think. Teens do grow up, and adult children, step or otherwise, can become dear, lifelong FRIENDS!

Dotz, thanks ~ you're funny. I'm glad you enjoyed the suspense. Now for "the rest of the story". The Skids mother ran off and left when the 2 boys were teenagers, the daughter was already married. Didn't even tell them or their dad she was leaving, just backed a truck up and loaded most everything in the house up and moved 300 miles away, took all the money she could get her hands on as well as a car my DH had just bought her. Had very little to do with them all these years. Then after 20 years her mother died and she had no where to live and no money to live on. SO, she moves back here to live with the kids and for them to take care of her. Some people have gall.

As Serenity says " if you're imagining that the kids will be fully "gone" or a complete non-issue when they turn 18, think again" that is definitely true. My ss lived with us for a few weeks when his marriage broke up. And the sd needed help several times during the course of 3 divorces. So much for our rule of not giving them money but it had to be an emergency situation, not like it had been before my time.

It ain't easy ~ you just have to decide if it's worth it or not. I thought it was.

Serenity,

The divorce isn't because of the kids, it is because I don't approve of the way DH handles them. They were raised without boundaries and limits. Their own mother sent them to boarding school because she couldn't handle them. I should have seen this when we were dating, but I was blinded by love. I accept my responsibility for my half of my marital problems.

Trying to merge his life with his kids with his life with me was like mixing oil and water. Not good for anyone.

By getting a divorce, my DH doesn't have to chose between me and his kids. He is a single father with a girlfriend. They are family and I am not. It makes things much easier.

I told the kids that the marital problems that I have are not their fault. So I think they feel OK about that. I really don't want to traumatize them.

"The divorce isn't because of the kids, it is because I don't approve of the way DH handles them."

"I told the kids that the marital problems that I have are not their fault. So I think they feel OK about that. I really don't want to traumatize them."
I know that's how you want to see it, and I presume you have good intentions and envision this as a solution that will fix the problem for everyone. (Kind of "out of sight, out of mind" like.) I hate to say it and sound harsh, though, but that's not how the kids are going to take it. Because one way or the other it IS about the kids. Couch it any way you like, but the kids will perceive it as ABOUT THEM and have any number of possible reactions to that, all of them negative. (And not just negative for THEM, but for you too.)

"By getting a divorce, my DH doesn't have to chose between me and his kids. He is a single father with a girlfriend. They are family and I am not. It makes things much easier."

And all I can tell you about that: you might be thinking that downshifting to "girlfriend" somehow miraculously removes the having-to-choose factor. But it really doesn't, unless you're making a decision now to cleave to the SKs' needs in each and every potential conflict of interest (of which there will be many), for the forseeable future, which not too many people are willing to do. Doesn't sound like you're happy doing so now, and "just the girlfriend" status would make this all the more the case for many reasons.

Again I point to the situation between me, my dad and his GF, who rarely has ever had to tolerate my physical presence in her life. After all, we lived in different houses, saw each other infrequently and she had no wedding ring on her finger. So simple, right? Such a non-issue... what could possibly go wrong? Well of course there were STILL plenty of issues she found to put him between a rock and a hard place over; there were still numerous things about my existence that she found somehow upsetting or threatening to her own, over which she made various threats and "either/or" ultimatums. None of which permanently eliminated my existence in my dad's life nor removed myriad naturally-occuring potential areas of conflict between all 3 of us, six ways to Sunday, and sometimes spilled over to the extended netweork of my BM & SF to boot. (A lot of those areas of conflict GF didn't even have to invent!) And frankly ---and most ironically--- her relationship with me is poison *precisely because* she wanted me to be a minimal factor in her life, didn't want to deal with the conflict.

Another reason what you're proposing in no way reduces the "having to choose" factor: right now you're all living together, correct? Well if you're divorcing/moving out *for the express purpose of being AWAY FROM THE KIDS*, how are you going to handle the divvying up of time for every little thing that you used to all do together? Because now you will have to do these things separately, which means someone is always out of the picture. So as such, the very insistence on separation is forcing a choice. If you REALLY think that your becoming "just a girlfriend" means he doesn't have to choose you or his kids, ask yourself how you will cope with some of the following scenarios:

-OOps! I forgot SK's big piano recital is scheduled for Valentine's Day...
-Sorry, love, I know we're in the middle of this romantic restaurant meal, but SK's car just broke down in East Bumble and I have to go get her right this instant or the poor thing is liable to die of exposure
-I know, I know, I said we'd take a trip to Hawaii this summer but I can't afford it because I just found out SK needs massive dental work
-I know we're in the middle of this lover's quarrel [about kids?], and I know you're really emotional and want to discuss this right now, but SK's waiting for me at the movie theater right now, we made plans.
-Youngest SK is having a hard time with this divorce thing, and I feel really guilty about it... I think I need to spend this evening with her instead of you... Sorry...
-Older SK is having behavior problems at school and Guidance Counselor says it's because of this second divorce... Geez, what have I done? I feel so guilty... Maybe I need to spend more time with him. [= less time with you, naturally, on account of the separate lives thing]
-SK's call numerous times throughout your date with one thing or the other and soon-to-be-ex-DH won't put the phone on vibrate "in case of a real emergency".
-SK's are home when you go to pick up STBXDH and are they are rude to you. (You can't tell them not to be present in their own home just b/c you happen to show up. How do you handle this?)

Now dream up about a hundred more scenarios like this and multiply that by 365 days a week, 52 weeks a year and however many years they're alive. And then double THAT because BM is MIA and can't shoulder her half of the child-rearing load. And then, if you really want to get depressed, start doing the money math... Is all of this okay with you? Each and every time? Because the very first time it isn't, there's going to be a choice that SBTXDH has to make. And if you're such a "non-issue" as his GF, and don't want conflict, it better be allright with you that he will choose his kids virtually every time.

Is it really possible for you to be a non-issue? Do you WANT to be a non-issue? Isn't part of why you're so frustrated with the way he handles his kids is that you already feel like not-enough-of-an-issue? Then what happens when, after however many requisite years that it takes for you to wait out their adolesence in absentia,
and things are still going great with STBXDH and you want to "take it to the next level" (again), how will you deal with the numerous issues that arise with ADULT children? Issues that don't have anything to do with misbehavior but which nonetheless many many step-parents take issue with, such as the loaning of money, their visits and whatever idiosyncracies you might not like in them as adults, family functions, helping with things having to do with the step-GRANDCHILDREN (a whole new generation of li'l monsters to deal with!!!!)... Are you just going to, at that point, say: "I'm back to being your Dad's Wife now, so now I insist on my say again and certain rules of discipline for the SGKs, and I don't want your dad ever loaning you money, etc. etc. etc." They're all gonna be like: "And you are----? As I vaguely recall, you removed yourself from our lives a long time ago and we learned to make all our decisions without your input."

You get the jist of the points I'm trying to make. Good luck with the "Just GF" thing. Not trying to be mean to you, just want you to think this through some more. Not saying you're bound into the marriage, and it's good that you can at least admit that you don't want to deal with teenagers and are willing to take one step out IN HOPES, IN THEORY, that it will be better for everybody. My point is just that your good intentions can have very different unintended negative effects and put YOU (not to mention the kids) in some very difficult pickles you might not anticipate. The real catch-22 of this situation is that these are probably the SK's most difficult years, both for you and them: b/c of the difficulty, you want to avoid them, but b/c of that same difficulty, they will take it rough. By wanting to escape a few bad years in hopes that in the long-run everything will be close & happy, you are unwittingly ensuring that you'll probably never be close to them and what's more, probably extending the lifetime of conflict between you all indefinitely. And by backing out of a step-parental role while they're still minors ---only wanting to possibly step back into at after they're not anymore--- you are forever relinquishing any "say" over them or what they do or what they need. Even if you were to try to re-claim "say" along with re-claiming marriage, they will not listen or give a crap about it.

You don't have to stay in the marriage ---this isn't a rant about any moral imperative of "til death do us part" (my bio-parents divorced for good reason; it was better on all of us that they did, rather than staying together). But if you're going to leave, you should probably just leave and not look back. This half-in/half-out scenario you propose has a lot of pitfalls you're not seeing now.

I am not expecting to get remarried to soon be XDH, or to be a factor in the Skids lives. I am very independent, so I rarely have issues with DH over the amount of time he spends with his kids.

I realize that the kids will take the divorce personally, because teenagers are self-absorbed and think everything in the world revolves around them. I regret that.

I fault their parents for not teaching them basic manners. Nonetheless, the kids are rude, entitled, and have no sense of boundaries. They are cruel to each other and their parents. It has made my life very unpleasant, and frankly, very depressing.

I will be happier on my own, rather than being married. I do love my DH, but I feel I am in a masochistic relationship.

I can understand why he may not be able to maintain a relationship with me after the divorce. But that is a risk I am willing to take.