"We split the payment of it, but the membership is in the names of myself, fiance and the two skids."

I assumed you meant that she and her ex husband split this? Or do you mean you and your future husband? Anyway, I know it's maddening but no harm was done. You have to choose your battles! :)

We (meaning all three of us) split the payment of the classes that we enroll the children for...but the membership ITSELF belongs to my fiance and I. He and I pay for that.

Yes, no harm was done. I realize that. But the clerk at the Y really did make a mistake, didn't think too clearly and I'm pissed at it. Bio-Mom was able to see every class I ever took and had access to info that is really just none of her business. I'm sure there is a privacy clause in the paperwork that I signed to become a member. I know sometimes you have to pick your battles, but this is something I'm going to have to pick. I'm not going to involve Bio-Mom in it. I truly believe it was innocent...BUT, I think a simple call to the manager of registration asking her to send a memo to her staff about PRIVACY, wouldn't be such a bad idea. Besides, maybe I'll get a free month out of it!

Hi Jennifer,

I agree with you. This is one battle worth fighting, even if it's just to let the manager of the Y know that his clerks need more training. The clerk should have told BM that nothing could be changed on your account without you or your husband's approval. Period. Call the manager. I would.

I agree that BM was likely quite innocent in this, but the fact remains that it is not hers to change or amend. I would make sure the Y Manager notes in your account that BM may pick up or drop off kids from lessons, but that she has nothing to do with your account and has absolutely no authority to have any access or change anything.

I'm sorry but I just don't understand what the big deal is? She IS her mother. I believe she did what anoyone else would do if the child was in danger of being in a class that is not suitable for the child. Money or whose name is on the membership doesn't matter. She's her mother and she can do what she wants. YOU are the one who should run things by HER if you need to change things. She doesn't need your permission but you however need hers. I know you love this child and treat her like your own but your jealousy of her mother could eventually push her away from you in the future. She is her mother and always will be her mother.
BTW no one is doing you any favors by patting you on the back all the time.

nookie
who is now getting out her extinguisher

I don't need the permission of a woman who sees her children for a half day and one night per week! In fact, she is the one asking me for permission for EVERYTHING! The person doing ALL the work for the children is the one who the permission is asked of, as well as the one who SHOULD receive the pat on the back. She may have given birth, but the only one doing the Mothering around here is me!

This is the thing that ticks me off... Women think just because they gave birth that they are entitled to be viewed as "the Mother." In my opinion it takes far more to RAISE our children (BE THERE FOR THEM) and raise them well then it does to push them out of our bodies. Two or more hrs of pain is nothing compared to a lifetime of hard work, love and dedication. You are given the title of Mother when you give birth, but that doesn't mean you deserve it. You have to earn the RIGHT to DESERVE to be a Mother. Anyone can get pregnant and get them out! It's what you do after that matters! DUH!

I am not jealous of Bio-Mom, I pity her and will never understand how one can hand over their children that easily.

Nookie,

It has nothing to do with being jealous. It has nothing to do with who is in charge. It has nothing to do with who is bio mom or who is stepmom. It is a matter of someone -- some CLERK -- allowing one person permission to access and change another person's account. Would you allow this at your bank? I think NOT! At your doctor's office? No, I didn't think so there either!

That's the point of this. Not who is in charge.

Oh -- and by the way -- I don't run ANYTHING past the biomom in my life. She is a lunatic ... she does not have custody ... and we don't trust her opinions as far as we could throw them. She's done enough damage to my stepdaughter, thank you very much.

PS -- you sound like a disgruntled biomom to me! Sorry.

I don't understand the big deal either...

BM didn't change anything on Jennifer's membership account, she changed which class the daughter was in. These are two different things.

Say the membership costs $50, Jennifer and her fiance paid that and it is in their name. No one changed that or messed with it. Classes at the Y are open to anyone, but are cheaper for members, what if you hadn't paid for 1/2 of the lesson, she couldn't still be taking lessons there, they would just be more expensive. Jennifer & her fiance and the BM split the discounted cost of the class. So instead of it costing each of them $25 it cost $20 or something like that.

BM simply moved her daughter into the level of class she belonged in. BM didn't mess with the membership or change that at all, just which level of swimming lessons the daughter was getting.

The only problem I see is that BM didn't tell you what she had done. Your problem is with her, not the Y. I don't think this is jealousy or disgruntled or anything, I just think it's a non-issue.

Holding the fire hose with Nookie,
~P

...what if you hadn't paid for 1/2 of the lesson, she couldn't still be taking lessons there, they would just be more expensive...

Should read could

Well, it's not really THAT big of a deal. I took care of it. I went to the Y and discussed this with the manager. She agreed that it was inappropriate and shouldn't be allowed and that she was unsure of what we could do to stop it. I asked her to make a notation in my file that my fiance and I are the only ones authorized to register the kids or change any information. I was not going to go that far until I found out that Bio-Mom changed the contact information. It was an honest mistake-she thought it was her business. She had no clue it was under our membership. DUH! What an airhead. Anyway, I didn't like when I saw that. She even changed the emergency contact person from my Mom to herself! Jeeze-Louise! So you see, it went a little beyond JUST registering SD for the right class. I am with Pashan and that Nookie wacko about bio-mom just wanting to put her daughter into the right class. That's the only interest she had. She wasn't being sneaky or anything... This is just a matter of privacy and professionalism with the Y and preserving the things that are mine that I don't have to share with her. I share a lot with Bio-Mom, because I have to for the sake of the kids and it is the right thing to do. I have no complaints that we share a bank account and various other things, but when there is something that belongs solely to me or to fiance and I, I like the sanctity of knowing it's mine to keep. Call me nuts, but it's nice to know sometimes in certain places and situations, I don't have to be STUCK to her!! The irony of it is that even in the things that are MINE, somehow she is linked to it. It's kind-of annoying, but just the way it is. At least she can't get into the house, has no key and doesn't know the alarm code and is never allowed beyond the front door foyer area!! hahaha
Goodnight!

Yes, I think her changing the contact information and emergency numbers is going too far!! THAT would tick me off - I'm with you on that one.

~P

"that Nookie wacko"?!! Was that really called for? Does everyone who doesn't have the same opinion as yourself get called a wacko too?
BTW, IMO if I was the bio-mom I sure as hell would like to be notified if my child ever got hurt. Why does your mother take precedence over the bio-mom? I repeat:She is her MOTHER for crying out loud.

People are not considered wacko because they do not share the same opinion as someone else. They are considered wacko when they need to slam it in your face and use no tact to explain it! Even more wacko when they don't even know the person OR the situation. You're vouching for a Bio-Mom you don't even know. You HAVE no idea what the situation is.....you didn't even read between the lines. And you probably haven't even read any of my past threads... It seems you just passed by this thread and said 'what the hell, let me read this one.' But you don't know a thing about my situation.

Why this whole MOTHER thing? I have said NUMEROUS times in here SHE DOES NOTHING FOR HER CHILDREN!!! I take REALLY BIG OFFENSE to this opinion of yours. Credit is given where it is due. I simply won't stand for someone throwing SHE IS THE MOTHER in my face on here. SHE IS THE MOTHER BECAUSE SHE GAVE BIRTH, beyond that SHE DOES NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hasn't seen her kids since Monday morning and hasn't even called! And won't see them till tomorrow night! You think this kind of a Mother needs support? Do you think you can count on this type of Mother to come running in an emergency? I don't think so. Hasn't happened before, aint gonna happen now honey. You should be giving me support Nookie or at least being a bit more diplomatic in your approach. If you don't agree with it, then you don't have to talk to me.

This is a very sensitive thing for me. You would be sensitive too if you were raising children that were not your own and doing ALL of it. If you were the one who could barely get out of bed in the morning (but still does it every time)after doing 2 hrs of homework, making dinner, showers, lunches, filling out permission slips and registrations for camp, trying to find some time to spend on YOU..meanwhile knowing that Bio-Mom is probably waking up refreshed, next to her little boytoy, do you think you would react well to someone telling you, SHE IS THE MOTHER? She aint s*it! Are you even a Stepparent?

Oh by the way. Even though I do a lot of the work around here, I can't neglect my fiance. Even though he has a demanding job and needs to committ to that to support our family...he IS an amazing Father and does do everything he can to help me. He takes off Friday and takes the kids to school and picks them up. He gets home at 7pm on other nights and drills SS in his Math and spelling. And on Saturday mornings he takes the kids out to breakfast so I can sleep in. He also takes them to the Y for free gym time so that I can have more time for myself. I still do most of the work, but he really is very appreciative and helps out. Last night he leaned over and smiled and gave me a kiss and said, "the kids are doing so great honey, and it's all because of you." :)

I just didn't want to leave him out. He is my sweetheart!

Jennifer, you have a very wonderful fiance. Just his acknowledgement of all that you do for his kids is much more than alot of us will ever get. You are wonderful to these kids and have to put up with alot from the psycho BM. Thank God these kids have you to care for them so deeply. You are right, some BM's should only get the credit for giving birth and that's it!!!! I am sure the kids appreciate all that you do as well and someday, they will thank you for it.

How are the wedding plans coming? April 25th right? Coming up fast. Try not to get too stressed out, take the time to enjoy all the great things happening in your life. Keep us posted.

As a matter of fact I HAVE read your past posts and my opinion hasn't changed in the slightest. Maybe you should revue them.
As for being diplomatic I believe that you need to quit using the "do as I say and not as I do" rule. If I needed to be as aggressive and crude as you are when someone doesn't pat you on the back then I would be a very unpleasant and bitter person.
(Btw nice try on changing the subject but please don't gag us anymore with all of the mushy mushy cr@p. As far as I could tell your hubby wasn't part of the subject.)
I believe that you have some jealousy issues with the bio-mom that you need to work out before they eat you alive. No one is helping you by patting you on the back all the time and you know it. So does everyone else.

But you still didn't answer my question, are you a step-parent?

OH MY GOSH! The problem here is that nobody .. and I mean **nobody** has the right to interfere with the personal accounts of another! The clerk at the "Y" should have had the brains to see (or ask) that this lady was someone other than the people named on the account. The clerk should not have made any changes without consulting the account owners ... not for a change of class .. and definitely not to change contact/emergency info. I would be hopping mad, too.

Nookie, you seem to believe that no matter what, the biomother is always right. Not so. No, no no no! I couldn't disagree more. You remind me much of the biomom in my life -- who thinks that we should pay all the bills, do the daily parenting stuff -- but she gets to call the shots. WRONG! Giving birth does not automatically make you a MOMMY, it just makes you an egg donor. The Mommy part is all about what you do *after* the kid is born! .

And Nookie ... one more thing. I think it was YOU who is being aggressive and crude, not Jennifer. It is you who is throwing the BIOMOM IS GOD garbage around ...

I still stand by my original assertion. I think you are a disgruntled biomom who does not have primary custody. I see a wonderful stepmom in your kids' life ... someone you are extremely jealous of. By chance, do you live in Arizona? You could be my SD's egg donor!

Wow - who's the wacko???

When a question, a rant, or an opinion is posted to a forum, you get feedback. If you only want people to sypathize with you and agree with your viewpoint and pat you on the back and say poor-baby, say so in the message. "Yes-men" are easy to come by.

Flying off the handle when someone gives another viewpoint (and not hatefully, IMO) is just plain scary.

Well, Suzieque, if you're calling me a wacko, you go right ahead. I just get so tired of hearing about crazy or absent biomoms (or dads) who sit on their duffs where their kids are concerned, but yet they think they are entitled to jump in time and time again and make decisions, fully expecting to override the other parent ... though they have no daily involvement in their kids lives ... or if they are involved they only cause angst, confusion and pain.

Yeah, I'm frustrated and angry that the biomom in my life fits this category, too. And I have to live with the hurt she heaps on her own child, not caring for an instant about the emotional upset she causes.

Nookie, I do apologize to you if I was out of line or harsh. That was not my intent, but I do see that's how it came out.

Yes, everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Certainly. But I still stand by my feeling that some BM's are undeserving of the rights they legally get.

Thank-you Suzieque.

Mom- apologie accepted :o).

I realize that not all bio-moms are good moms but the fact still stands that no matter how wrong they are,they are still the mother. Yes, I am a bio-mom and my DH is a step-father. But even though the bio-dad is a big jerk he is still the father and my DH respects him and understands that he will always be the bio-dad(with all the rights that come with it). As much as we wish otherwise nothing can change that fact.

Mom 2 4, no I wasn't calling you a wacko.

I was shocked at the knee-jerk reaction by Jennifer to nookie. And yes, I've read most of Jennifer's posts in the past so I understand where she's coming from. That doesn't explain or excuse the fury and rudeness. I think that's scary.

And yes, I am a custodial step-mom.

What's yours???? The child is not yours!!!! You are whom??? Mother?? Father??? Oh ... holder of the account!!! How weak!!! I predict many more years of conflict if you don't accept that you are a STEP!!!! The child has 2 parents ... neither of which is you. Why didn't her Father step in?? Why were you the one with the PROBLEM???? I would love to hear Dad's perspective (without you in the room). Work together. Don't fight each other. YOU will never be her Mother or her Father ... but you can be an awesome STEP MOTHER!!! You cannot control what happened and that this man you love has a daughter whose mother YOU ARE NOT!!!! Mellow out. I think you are hurting everyone around you with petty junk including yourself. And this sounds really petty to me. I was a stepdaughter of just such a woman that wanted to think because she had "time" custody of me that she took my Mom's place and guess what ... I ended up hating her because she wanted me to give up loving my Mom and replacing that love for her. Might have happened really if she hadn't been a "control freak". You can't demand love, respect, etc. Back off. Go slow. Accept that just because you cook and clean, etc everyday - you will never be her REAL Mom to her and ... maybe ... just maybe you will actually become one to her. Don't push so hard. It takes years and years!! Sometimess what we fight for the most is what we are pushing away with both hands.

Karissa how rude can you be!!! The children ARE HERS! She is solely responsible for these children at least 80% of the time.

I consider Jennifer25 the childrenÂs mom. These children are lucky to have two mothers. One a biological mother who gave birth and has minimal contact (but at least still has contact) and One a non-biological mother who is responsible for the childrenÂs day to day needs. In this case she is more of a nurturing parent then either of the two bio-parents. How fortunate for these children to have Jennifer25.

JenniferÂs co-madre (boi-mom) seems to be happy that she found someone to take such good care of her children. Just the fact that she gave her a key to her house. She probably figures  I am entrusting this woman with the most important things in my life. I can give her a key to my house because there is nothing in my house more important then my children. Bio-mom is unable to be a consistent nurturing parent on a full time bases, but has manage to find someone who can and seems to really appreciate it.

What's yours???? The membership at the Y Â Who the H#LL gives bio-mom the right to access membership information, let alone change it. If bio-mom wants the information changed then she either needs to go to bio-dad or Jennefer OR get her own membership.

The child is not yours!!!! Yes they are! The courts look at who is the primary car giver? It is only a matter of time before a step parent will win a custody fight against a boi-parent, because they have always been the primary care-giver. In this situation, If something happened to Bio-Dad  I would lay money on bio-mom voluntarily giving custody to Jennefer as long as she still had visitation rights. If a person adopts a child, are they any less of a parent?

You are whom??? Mother?? Father??? Oh ... holder of the account!!! ALL OF THE ABOVE!

Betty ... you go girl!

I couldn't agree with you more ...

**Whooping and cheering for Betty!!!!!!***

I do agree that Jennifer has been a wonderful parent to her children. She obviously loves and cares for them as if she had given birth to them.

There is a similiar situation in my house. My 12 year old daughter was mine from a previous marriage. Her sperm donor hasn't been seen or heard from for over 10 years now. It's a very long story, as you can imagine.

I met a wonderful man 9.5 years ago (we will celebrate our 8th anniversary next month). He hasn't officially adopted DD yet (that will be final this summer) but he IS her father. He has raised her since she was 2 1/2 years old. The other man is NOTHING to her!!

Just giving birth to or donating sperm for a child does not a parent make. It is the love, nurturing, headaches, heartaches, sleepless nights, frustration, pride, joy and laughs that make you a mother or a father. Biology has not much to do with making you a mother or a father!

The title of this thread would seem to say quite a bit. There are a lot of issues going on here, and *not* just about who should decide which class is the right one.

I'm speaking from the perspective of the child here, just so you know: It's great to care. But it's an entirely different thing to care TOO MUCH. I read these posts and what I sense is a need for control, for the sake of control. I don't doubt that there is genuine love and concern. I know you love this child and treat her like your own but all the hands-on/up-close-and-personal/24-7 attentiveness could eventually push her away because she simply needs room to breathe and develop on her own.

The membership -- it's yours.

The SD -- she's not. Or at minimum, it's up to her to decide.

I say this from experience. My DH and I spent more time, money, and energy on my s-kids than I'll ever be able to count. We refused to stoop to BM's methods, refused to involve the kids in the petty garbage, and simply devoted ourselves to their well-being. At the same time (after cheating on my DH with her married pastor and splitting up both families), BM was putting on the "poor single mom" routine, leaving the kids at home while she went to happy hour, bringing the kids home food that she stuffed in her purse from the happy hour bar for dinner, spending their child support on her college education, and telling them that they were the worst thing that ever happened to her, etc.

Well they bought it all--hook, line and sinker. I just shake my head at how they can be such intelligent individuals and still be so smitten by such an evil person. But they are. And I believe it is because she is the BM.

Sucks really. And not all stories are like ours. But there's only so many excuses for why this happened, and that one seems to top the list.

Please understand that I wanted them to be "mine," I really did! I introduced them from day one as MY kids. Now I have an adopted son, and he's as much mine as any child could be! But I know someday that he may well want to go meet his BM, and I understand that. I'll even encourage it. Because it's really all about the kids, isn't it. They'll be the ones to decide who they feel is "mom."

You have to choose to love them because it's what you want to do, not because they're yours. And prepare yourself that someday, they may go side with BM, simply because she's BM.

You miss a big point .. as long as she is the Mother and you are only a step ... whatever involves HER child ,,, is all encompassing in many states. It may vary where you are .. but unless it is deemed otherwise by law in your state .... she is in control of where her child is and the responsibility of that entity to her for the well being of HER child.

Not when SHE gives up custody!!!

If dad has custody and step mom is acting as care giver for dad, then she (step mom) is in control of where her child is and the responsibility of that entity to her for the well being of HER child. In our situation, if mom happens to be present she usually turns to me for advice/direction.

I stood there and watched my hubbyÂs x refuse to sign the hospital admission paper work for fear of having to pay a large bill. So, I started signing and filling out the paperwork. Did I have a legal right to do that? No sure. Probably not. The clerk watched in complete dis-belief. The clerk even questioned, who is mom and who is step mom? Bottom line, the hospital admitted and treated my step-son.

I guess that it just depends on the situation and the personalities of the people involved. As long as you are working together for the best interest of the child Â

This forum seems to have more step-mothers just trying to vent about the stupid things that bio-moms do that are not in the best interest of the child! And bio-moms over stepping their boundaries, encroaching on step momÂs personal space, using the excuse of the child. Sometimes this is done just out of sheer ignorance/selfishness and sometimes it is just a spiteful game. It is nice for us step moms to have a place to vent, so we can better take care of our families (children and step).