My DH & I don't have any biological kids of our own, I have my kids (17, 18, & 21 next week) and his DD lives with us, she's 8. But, I relate to the different expectations because at times, it's hard for me to be as tough with my kids because I haven't always been tough with them. (Especially the oldest) I was probably the toughest on my youngest, mainly because I had them when I was (too) young & didn't fully understand the importance of consistency. So, my kids grew up with more relaxed rules and I should have been more consistent with the rules. Over the years, I've gotten better about it and that's why I think my youngest is the more responsible one of the group. Then, along comes my DH with his 8 year old (5 at the time) and he had a very rigid schedule for her. He was very consistent, to a fault. So, together he's relaxed a little but we both have higher expectations from his DD because it's easier to teach them right first, than try to change their bad habits. With my kids, I've also been more consistent and have gotten some results but I'm sure my DH can relate to how you feel. He gets very frustrated and wants me to be tougher on them. It can be hard because when they are small and you get used to doing things one way, it becomes a habit. and even if it's a bad habit, it's hard to change. With your child together, you have developed your own habits and ways of doing things with her, including higher expectations (that he may have from you being his partner, that he didn't have with his ex & the older kids). A little bit sounds like he might feel guilty toward the older kids and let them get away with more. (I know I've felt that way too) I'm not sure I'd let a 12-13 year old move my car.

I don't know if I have "advice" to give. I think DH needs to see that he's not helping his kids grow into responsible adults if he doesn't teach them boundaries. If his kids live with you full time, there should be "house rules" (even if it's only weekends, but it's more effective with full time kids) My DH and I took a parenting class for step families and while it dealt with the dynamics of step families, it also talked a lot about behavior of our own children and it made it easier to see what we were doing wrong with our own kids (He was being to strict, I was being too lenient)

Thank you for your advice, but I wasn't clear enough when I mentioned that my DH & I had higher expectations for my biological child. The biological child in question is mine, not his. My daughter has a father whom she sees EOW. My DH expects my daughter to behave and perform in a different way than his son, which is why I'm frustrated.

I do appreciate hearing your story and perspective. I was a single mother long before I married my husband and because of that, my daugher learned to hold her own and is very much independent and at times, way too mature for her age since she was often left with my parents while I had to work and finish my degree. DH's child, on the other hand, has never had to do a damn thing on his own so it's like having oil and water in our house so it's not mixing very well. DH seems reluctant to even try to hold his son accountable or to even impose any type of rules or expectations upon his son. I can't see how doing light chores, completing homework, or quite simply cleaning up after oneself could be harmful. Especially since he didn't seem to think moving the SUV was such a big deal or that purchasing a BB gun was either. All I kept thinking to myself after that one was, "You'll shoot your eye out, kid!"

I will look for a parenting class in our town for us to attend. I had never thought of that and it sounds terrific.