I have not been on here all that often in the past few months so I do not recall your previous posts. But the only reason I can think of for someone who is not nice to you in real life to request you as a friend on facebook is so they can snoop. Perhaps she is "looking" for things to pick at about you? Now the question is do you friend her or ignore her request? And how is she going to react to you not approving her request??

Well duh! She wants to be your friend so she can read your posts and interpret them to mean what she wants to think they mean so she can justify being angry at you... but my stance with DH's family is if they want to be "friends", they can call me up & be friends in real life. Then maybe I'd consider having them on FB.

If you de-friended all the others, this one may have been elected to be family snoop to see what you are hiding LOL(not that you are hiding anything...but she may be curious what you are a doing in there now that they all have been blocked).

That's a good way to look at it, Ima. If your family wants to actually be friends they can take the time and do it face to face/ voice to voice.

Well, I will not be accepting the friend request. I have thought about sending her a note suggesting I'm good with no longer pretending we like one another and offer that she send a request to DH. That way, if she posts things about her children, their grandfather will be able to keep up with them and, if he chooses, share them with me. I am just over the pretense. Life is too short to devote energy to a facade.

Wry - I think it's a good idea not to accept her friend request. You may want to think about the way you word your note. If you say, as you mentioned above, "I'm good with no longer pretending we like one another," I think it could be twisted around that you are the cause of all of the problems because YOU don't like her.

Perhaps you could tell her that you really only want to use FB to keep in touch with your girlfriends, and keep family relationships more personal with a phone call. If you wish to be more honest about it, you can say that you felt some of your previous posts were misconstrued, caused family tension and you would rather not run into that situation again. Those are not as inflammatory as "pretending to like each other" and then you can suggest that she friend your DH.

So, came home from work a couple days ago. DH & I are sharing some pleasant time together talking about our respective days. Fix some dinner. Take it out to the family room, turn on the Christmas tree & mantel lights and realize there is a big shipping box underneath the tree. My first thought was DH had ordered another gift that had only now been delivered. I looked at the address and see it is from SS & DIL --- the ones we haven't heard a peep from. I asked DH why he hadn't said anything...he wanted to surprise me. He then told me he'd talked earlier with his daughter who told him some story about everyone who SS & DIL had to ship gifts to were delayed because one common gift had not been ready. DH said he thought SD was covering for her brother. So, we opened the box. It had an envelope which contained a number of photos of the grandkids. No personal note & no photos of the kids with the gifts we sent them. There was a 2012 calendar made of photos of the grandkids; and another gift (a bar/drink accessory)that, when he opened it, DH's response was "Well, this is a re-gift."

Really glad to get the photos and the calendar. Not sure why they bothered with the other...DH & I will never use it. I assume their own guilt may have gotten to them.

For some reason, something on another level has clicked within me. Very close to genuine indifference.

"For some reason, something on another level has clicked within me. Very close to genuine indifference."

Perhaps it was your DH's response... he expected to surprise you and HE was surprised by the re-gifted item? I know that it becomes easier for me to ignore the irritants when DH shares in the irritation. It used to irritate me more when SD would do/say something that annoyed me & DH would respond with saying it's no big deal, why do I let it bother me, etc., making me feel like he thought I was the problem or that I was making a mountain out of a molehill but when I started referring the annoying problems to him & ignoring them... now HE is the one to deal with the issues & gets irritated for some of the same things I complained about... he gets frustrated like I did. It's very easy to be critical of what someone else is doing when you're not directly affected.

Nearly the same thing happened with MIL this year. DH said we are not exchanging gifts with them. I know lots of people discuss & decide how they will exchange gifts but I am opposed to that. In my opinion, you give a gift because you want to give a gift. There should not be an expectation of getting a gift. To me, the whole spirit of Christmas is about giving... the three Kings brought gifts for baby Jesus. So, I had ordered a mousepad with pictures of SD on it for MIL (because she started her at home business & is always on her computer) and I got them a wall hanging that is a personalized family tree. Neither was very expensive & I also baked them cookies. On Christmas Day, I was going to see my mom in the hospital & DIL was spending a couple of hours with DGS before I left, so I stopped by to drop off the gifts to MIL & FIL. DH had NOTHING to do with buying them, he didn't even know about it. He didn't know what I got them until they opened them. So, they said they loved it & I left to pick up DGS & go see my mom. I guess after I left, MIL went on about how nice it was & she really liked it. The next weekend (New Years Eve) they came to bring DH a tool set. They dropped it off at my office while I was home but my dad told me they said they felt bad because they hadn't bought DH anything & they hadn't expected any gifts. So they basically admitted to my dad that they felt guilty and brought DH a tool set. I asked DH why they think he got them the gifts and he says he told them they were from me. Whatever. I gave the gifts without any expectations but it would have been nice to have it acknowledged... but by getting DH a "guilt" gift, they are essentially giving HIM credit for getting them a gift and thus it's not really being acknowledged that I had anything to do with it.

I kinda think it's weird anyway because they have two sons and two grandkids... and two daughter in laws. A total of 6 people and they don't exchange gifts. Indifference? Is that when you shake your head in disbelief & say to yourself, "Oh well.. that's too bad they are like that." ? Because that's where I am with it...

Your posts made me sad, for both you and your DH. I don't know the details of your ongoing struggle to build a family with your SKs, but it sounds like you have made a real effort. From your posts it sounds like your DH seems to expect you and the daughters-in-law to carry the traditional women's burden of keeping the family together, and he and his sons are acting like victims. In stepfamilies that just doesn't cut it!

Has he ever had a straightforward talk with his sons about theirs, and especially their wives', behavior? It sounds like their mother has plenty of time to shape their treatment of you. Has your DH been plainspoken about his respect for you, that might overwrite some of her vitriol?

If it weren't a stepfamily situation, wouldn't the dad feel comfortable saying "When Wrychoice1 and I were staying at your home, you and your wife were very rude to her. Why?" And enumerate the behaviors that distressed you (and hopefully him).

You said in your earlier post that you regret dating your husband while he was separated. Could that be part of his reticence to defend you? He needs to get over that and so do his children. How silly, that happens all the time, if it didn't there wouldn't be very many second marriages.

I dont know Wry, I think I would have been happy with photos, the photo calendar and a gift..It looks like olive branch to me, not guilt. Some members of my family are great gift givers and know my interests, others, not so much and you have to shake your head at what they give. But I know the intention is good.My SS has given DH clothing, personal gifts with nothing for me in years, that is an intentional slight. But a bar accesory is, at least a joint gift. Maybe keep an open mind for the New Year. I wish my SS would at least TRY with a joint gift sigh....

@Dotz, I wish I could give them the benefit of the doubt, but I think I am beyond extending them any generosity. DH & I were very happy with the photos and the calendar, happy to have them under any circumstance.

@Ulrike, I think if there is any reticence for DH to "defend" me it is more his absolute abhorance to anything remotely resembling confrontation. At this point, I just want to remove myself from the equation of his relationship with any of his children. I no longer wish to be a red herring, to be used by them as an excuse to withdraw from him. I just don't want to be an excuse for his adult children to withdraw from him.
@gerina, thanks for the feedback about how I might address the SDIL. I don't intend to respond in any manner....just have fun fantasizing about what I'd like to say! :-)
@Ima, I have gotten used to never being acknowledged as having a part in gift-giving, even though I usually am the one who comes up with the gift ideas or, if DH is the source of the gift idea, I am the one spending time researching the best buy. That just is what it is. Funny thing, ever since the oldest grandchild was born, I've sent a Christmas ornament...done that for all four grandkids. Sent them again this year...still, DH's daughter called to ask if DH had sent ornaments as it wasn't clear from the shipping labels. The other grandson also received an ornament. The story there is his parents (SS#1 & SDIL) were wondering who might have sent him the ornament...grandson's response was, "Well, Wry of course. She sends me one every year!" Out of the mouths of babes!

Wrychoice1, do your stepsons and their wives ever actually say anything to your husband about you? Any negative comments? Or just the dismissive behavior?

For a period of time when my DH and I were first married, I thought one of his daughters loathed me. I learned as we went along that I was misinterpreting her behavior. She was like that to almost everyone. I had to learn her language. She often speaks in negatives and connects to people in an usual way. After a few years, luckily for me and for our stepfamily, my husband actually talked to her about it. He didn't word it like I would. He said "Ulrike thinks you don't like her." I could have killed him for putting it like that, but I'm glad in retrospect that he did, because she was very upset to hear it and it led to a good talk between us. At this point we are quite close.

Not saying your stepkids have the same kind of thing going on, but bringing it out in the open might help, especially as they are adults. Just a thought.

@ulrike, I believe, for the most part SS#1 and SD have come to terms with the divorce of their parents and have accepted me in their dad's life. I think the wife of SS#1 is relatively accepting, also. It is really SS#2 and his wife who have been the most rejecting and, in my opinion, it is the SDIL who is most influential in this. Her parents went through a divorce at the same time DH & his XW were ending their marriage. You know the old saying, "Misery loves company?" Unfortunately, I think their mutual pain in response to the divorce of their respective parents may be the foundation of their relationship. At some level, accepting me (of the 4 parents: DH, his XW & SDIL's mother & father, DH is the only one remarried) would somehow be a threat to the stability of SS#2 & SDIL's marriage.

In another development, DH & I received a thank you note from DH's daughter & granddaughter. After expressing her thanks for the gifts we sent, SD (who is living with her mother) wrote something to the effect of how much she misses us and how she can't wait until she has her own apartment "where you're always welcome. I love you BOTH." DH's response to this was, "I'd sure like to know what is being said out there." Oh well...