I need to memorize this sucker!

I have walked in your shoes, and here is what I did. First, I joined a mommy and me (child) class and met other moms with a child the same age. Even though the class only met one morning a week, a few of the moms and I would get together with the kids and do things together. It felt so good to talk to other women who were going through the same things I was and we talked about all sorts of things. We would go to the park and talk, or meet at each others houses. We would go for walks together just to get out of the house, or get together at a McDonalds to let them play in the balls. We met each others husbands and would get together and barbecue. Some of those friendships have now lasted years as we have each gone on to have more children who attended preschool together (get on waiting lists now) and now the kids are in gradeschools, and several of us are still friends. Even those that went on to other schools and built new friendships...we still keep in touch and are there for each other if needed. As for alone time, we all need some! What we were advised was to get someone to watch the child one evening a week for a short time...like 1 1/2- 2 hours while my husband and I went out and got a bite to eat...just the two of us. Wednesday is great for this since it is mid week. Then perhaps on Saturday mornings, your husband could spend time with his daughter, while you go out to breakfast with your friends, or go get a haircut or work out at a gym. Also, if you have family who can watch your daughter on a Saturday night, it will do you both good to maintain "date night" with your husband. Even a quick movie or dinner can refresh us and give us energy to be better parents. Also, many churches have something called "mothers morning out" and they will watch your child for free. In exchange for the free childcare, like once every 6 weeks, you have to volunteer at the church to help watch the little ones on one of the mornings. The moms who take advantage of this program all take turns. Some towns also have Gymboree made expecially for moms of toddlers...it is an indoor place that has many climbing things for toddlers....it may be set up in a church somewhere in your town, or it may be a permanent business in a shopping plaza, but they also can be a great place to be with a toddler to "get out of the house" and meet other moms with toddlers looking for friends with children the same age, just like you. You will find how important these new friendships are because you are going through many of the same things at the same time with children the same age. They become very important for sharing all sorts of information. Through these friendships, you will build a life that is much more enjoyable. You need these friendships, especially if you do not have family in the area. Also, have a toddler seat put on the back of your bike and take your little one our for bike rides. you both will enjoy the change in scenery and the fresh air. You could also consider a jogging stroller and roller blades for more excercise. Watch the papers (classified) and garage sales as these often show up for sale when someones child outgrows them...we sold ours this way. And last, with a toddler who is having a tantrum...sometimes, by just putting the child in a stroller and going for a walk can help enormously. The fresh air and change of scenery can do wonders. Another thing that helps a cranky little one is letting them splash in cool water. It captures their attention and is very entertaining for them. Just watch them very closely. you can give them some measuring cups, plastic cups etc. Water can be an enormous help to distract them. Another huge help can be to play music and dance with them, or march and give her something to play like the musical triangle, or clickers or something, and march and dance around the house to gether to the music. And last...remember that naps are really important for her. They get tired and cranky, and it helps mom too. The days can be long but the years are sooo short. I wish you the best!

Daycamp a couple weeks this summer might be something she actually enjoys if she will give it a chance. You might also suggest to dad that you'd like say two morning (or afternoons) a week that allow you to be free of caretaking. Time to clean house, do your errands, book club at library or whatever. That would not be unreasonable. When dad goes off to work along the lines of 9 to 5 Monday through Friday and you're the 'stay at home' caregiver, your correct that the 'not my kid, not my problem' is something that's easier said than done. Dad is leaving you at home in charge of watching his daughter for 8 to 9 or more hours a day until he gets home. While I agree with others that you can't tell dad his daughter can't watch tv if dad thinks it's perfectly okay for his daughter to be a couch potato, that does not mean you have to be the one there taking that responsibilty all day, day after day. And if you plan an outing such as a walk or a trip to the library, she has to join in as she can't stay home alone. If you really have no hope of motivating activities other than tv/vids, you might also try setting her up in a place other than the living room. But not her bedroom. A playroom with the tv, books, crafts, toys ...and declare 'quiet time' for an hour (but not sshhh, no noise allowed)...just a simple 'we are going to clear the livingroom for an hour, it's time for our quiet time'. Maybe she'll go off to her playroom, maybe she'll go outside, it's her choice what and how she spends the time, it just can't be in the livingroom. Lure her outside, set yourself up a place for your 'my space', a cozy corner of your deck or under a shade tree where you can go out and read. Who knows, maybe with you outside daughter will venture out and ride that scooter. I think what most have been trying over your different posting threads in telling you in their opinions, is that you can't tell dad how to raise his daughter (example, too much tv, no veggies, inactive sedate days) but you do get some say in how *you* spend the day. It's unrealistic to think one will have lots of relaxation, quiet time, and self entertaining kids all day when there are children in the home...if you know how that can be done without affecting normal childhood, write a book, it'll be a best seller LOL... it is not unrealistic to think that you have to be the one doing all the caregiving in dad's absence. Shakti above had some good ideas with "May be you can do something with her (think as if she were your own d, what would you do with her? - talking, joking, walking in the park, cooking together ...)" If you do intend to remain the sole caregiver during dad being absent, you are going to have to come up with ways to make it workable for both daughter and you without complaining and fighting. If SD is not there one week, maybe that's when you need to focus on the main housework. Maybe folding towels and putting her own laundry away could be a regular assigned chore. Helping set the table. Little things that are actually helpful to you yet gives her a sense of not only responsibilty but also a sense of being a part of what's going on in the home...being included.

I suggest family counseling. You love this man and obviously love his children or you would not go through this heart ache! Some churches offer this, there are groups out there for "blended families", all at a very little cost or no cost. Some insurances will cover counseling as well. Don't give up on your husband, he is stuck and probably doesn't know which way to turn. He may "cover" for his children because they are children. I read a chapter in this book about teenagers and how they develop a need to control. They are so out of control with their own lives and emotions that when they find an area they can control or manipulate, they take it, even if they don't mean to, they are not trying to be mean or hurtful even though it seems clear to us they are. You sound like a very warm loving person. I wish you the best and I hope you can find a way to bring harmony into your home! Have you ever sat the entire family down and just said to them all, "I love you (call out each person one at a time) & I think together we can come up with a way to have happiness and smiles in this home and get rid of the frowns and negativity." Then go around and ask each person to give one idea for change. (I saw this on Nanny 911 and it worked great!)