I guess my question is why does it matter that BM wants to organize her children and their schedule with the children's father. Does not matter she is NC , that does not mean that *you* are custodial, your husband is.

What's the big deal? I doubt she can whine to a judge that she has to leave messages with you instead of talking to the kid's father without making things look bad on your part. As *you* are the stepparent and your husband has custodial of children, it is his place to see that arrangements/schedules are made. You could do it but for whatever reason BM chooses to not speak with you (she does not have to) so it's back to your husband. Bm and your husband are going to have to work out a communication method whether he wants to or whether *you* don't want him to.

It's a phone call (or text or email or heck even a registered letter), he does not have to socialize with the lady, only has to say the needed and it's done, over, finished to the next necessary time. So she might 'hear' his voice, big deal. Her hearing a voice in a quick phone call can not hurt/harm you in any way.

Yeah, it all be be kinda silly and unneeded to have your husband do all the planning/calling/returning calls but you can't make her talk to you. So you may try just accepting that and let her do what's needed with your husband and not let her know it bothers you. It's *your* husband, he married *you*, I think the only time it really would bother me is if the calls were daily without reason and became bothersome. She may just be yanking your chain cause she knows it annoys you, but it's only for scheduling arrangements so don't let her know it does annoy you. It won't be a long term game to her if she gets no satifaction out of it. Is there any reason she might have to really not want to talk with you?

The reason my husband doesn't want to talk to her is because she has called, sometimes daily, for no apparent reason...sent him text messages, left stupid messages on the phone, likes to "reminisce" and it got almost obsessive. She refuses to talk to me because it bothers her that I am with her husband and her children. She has told me that I am living the life she is supposed to live and is convinced I am trying to take her place...I am just trying to be the best step mother I know how to these children and they are responding well. She has told the kids not to love me because it will make her sad, and they have come home multiple times saying they got in trouble for talking about me. I understand that I am not the custodial parent, I am just the stepparent....but at the same time the communication was working just fine for awhile. She had no problem talking to me until she just felt like being difficult and decides she wants to start talking to my husband again. He has told her to leave messages because there is no real reason he ever has to call her back and she refuses to even leave a simple message of times she will pick them up. It is just all very annoying and he is tired of her acting like there is something going on. She has told him multiple times that she doesn't want him back but she wants him to be as miserable as she is and she will be as difficult as possible to make sure that I am not in the picture. So that is why I have a problem with her doing what she is doing.

biggest best piece of advice I've seen on this forum:

Disengage!

This is like Viet Nam:
you can't win, & keeping the war going is counter-productive.

Hubs needs to communicate with her in a structured way.

How annoying! It's always insulting to have a lot of responsibility and yet receive no respect from the people you are helping. In your case, you are doing the work BM should be doing, but sounds like she won't be telling you thanks any time soon. However, it is really only your husband you need to worry about in that department, since he picked you and she didn't get to, ha!

There are different opinions about whether stepparents should be involved in the communication between the children's two homes. Seems like a no brainer to me that all the parents (including steps if they are active in the parenting) should be able to be in on the coordination process, but if the BM in your case is playing childish games, you're probably better off with your husband doing the talking. (I don't personally buy the belief that just because the bioparents were the only one there during the conception, they must be the only ones who discuss the kids' upbrining...that took, what, ten minutes? But if she refuses to talk to you, you are kind of stuck.)

The thing is, especially since you are in the mother role for your SKs, it's bad for you to be sidelined like that when plans are being made. So here's what I would do: agree with DH that he will do the actual talking, but that you will be looped into the conversation at all times. So, she calls, you answer, she says "Let me talk to Joe." You say sure, give him the phone. She asks what time she can pick up the kids. He asks you. Right then and there. So she can hear. If she says she only wants to talk to him and that he should answer, he can just say, "I don't even know what time, Stepmomof3 makes the calendar" or whatever. In other words, she can insist on dealing only with him, but she doesn't get "private time" with him as part of the deal. (Speaker phone is great tool also.)

This really isn't being mean to her. So long as she is obsessing about him and thinking of him as a romantic partner rather than a co-parent, she won't be able to move on with her own life. You guys would be gently helping her to be more mature.

This can be a tricky process but if you and DH are both motivated to make it work, you can bring about a system that works better for you and the children.

Ulrike's idea sounds like something that might work. Or of not, then DH has to come up with his own method of handling the communication.

While I see now since OP's second post that there's lots more issues than just who BM talks to, I think it might be important for StepMom3 to have the kids see dad doing the talking (or emailing/texting). Can't be good for kids to see StepMom3 agruing with BM or pleading with BM to be sensible.

If kids wonder what all the silly stuff is going on on the phone currently the way it is now, BM might be able to pull the "Oh, SM is mean to me, boo-hoo" and the kids would only know that yeah, they heard SM not letting BM talk to dad about plans, or worse, think SM is to blame for cancelled plans. DH should not put you in that scene of dealing with a obstinate BM.

(sigh) Why do parents not consider that the game of 'you made me miserable, now I'll make you miserable too' only actually puts the kids in the middle, confused, hurt and it's the kids who end up paying the price of everybody being miserable?

well this woman does not sound normal, but I do not understand why visitations and schedules are not negotiated between mom and dad and why can't they talk to each other.

It doesn't matter if DH does not want to talk to her, they don't have to talk daily but making plans, why not? They are the parents. I am surprised you constantly calling her, DH has to call, not you.

I think since she sounds crazy, conversations should be kept strictly on topics about kids and have to be brief. But I don't think he needs to make you to be the one always calling her and talking to her etc you didn't have children with her, he did.

I think it is unfair that you have to deal with it. when people marry crazies and have kids with them they have to deal with consequences, unfair to expect new spouses to fix this mess.

I disagree about putting people on speaker phones or constantly having both spouses present at conversations, it makes SM look insecure, immature and overly attached to her DH. Like those wives that never let husbands out of their side, they always look ridiculous. And if BM is crazy to begin with, she would get worse knowing that now you both playing these games. If she wants to play, don't get dragged into it. It will only hurt the kids. Games and manipulation never solve anything.

I guess I don't consider the way of communicating Ulrike's suggested as "games and manipulation".
In fact it sounds as though it might work since SM needs to agree to a schedule that works for her. But only if the tone of voice dad uses is friendly and upbeat.
Bio is acting out because in some twisted way, it makes her feel more "involved" than she really is.

As a child my mother used to correct us whenever we children would refer to my SM as "mom", and not in a nice way. My SM was the most patient and kind woman I've ever met. Took 3 young children and raised us as her own. And not until she passed away did my bio mother ever give her credit for doing the job she should have participated in.
And in fact recreated history making herself the saint for "allowing" SM to raise us! Sheesh.

So, Stepmomof3 don't think for a minute your step kids don't know where the love and caring comes from...they do.
You're a special woman to have those kids best interest at heart.

Thank you everyone for your posts...I do realize that my husband needs to do the talking but he often refuses and says just let her learn to leave a message or skip her visitation which I do not always agree with. I have felt like I can be a little more to the point and get the job done so that we at least know when the kids will be with us or not. And for the record I never cause a scene on the phone around the children, I make sure they don't even know there are any conflicts from us against their mother because it is not fair to them. I guess we will just take it day by day and I'm sure she will move on from this phase to her next problem. Thank you to deborah for your post too. That is a very nice compliment.

Finedreams said: "I disagree about putting people on speaker phones or constantly having both spouses present at conversations, it makes SM look insecure, immature and overly attached to her DH. Like those wives that never let husbands out of their side, they always look ridiculous."

Finedreams, sometimes we just have to put our pride aside and not care how we look to others.

It is not pride, just common sense. I think it is important what kids think of our behavior. I avoided any drama with ex so not to upset DD, even when he drove me nuts I made an effort to avoid unneccesary commotion, it made a huge difference for DD. I also think it is wrong message to send to kids that spouses shoudl be attached to the hip 24/7 and that expartners should not have any conversations without new partners overseeing. i don't care what strangers think but i would not want DD to think that her parents are nuts.

Sounds to me like she's refusing to talk to you because her Ex is refusing to talk to her.
To be blunt -- Dumb and dumber...

Yeah, I can see why your husband wouldn't want to talk to her. Do you? (Of course not!) But someone's got to do it, and the responsability is his, not yours. I imagine that if he'll be less bull-headed about ducking her calls, she'll be less insistent about talking only to him.

I like the idea of making it easy for BM to coordinate with you, but a PITA to coordinate with him. You two could just go on with your lives and you could cheerily "Sorry - he's not home! See you Tuesday at 6:00. Buhbye!" her a dozen or two or three times. Then put the onus right back on her to either get her message through to the person who's available to receive it or to 'drop the ball'. You just assume she'll abide by the court order unless she advises otherwise. Of course, give the kids a 'heads up' if you suspect a 'no show' is coming because of repeated calls, but otherwise, let her deal with the inconvenience her refusal to talk to you imposes. After all, it's not fair to blame you for not reacting to a message she refused to leave...

Sweeby, that is a good idea. I like your approach to just telling her what time we will expect her and leaving it at that. And finedreams, I agree with your post about trying to have as little conflict as possible for your daughter, and not having spouses attached at the hip. I also think that it is great for the kids to see the bioparent and the stepparent converse either for their sake or just small talk if the circumstances are right. Of course in my case, neither of us can make small talk with the BM unfortunately...but no matter how she treats us I think it is good for the kids to see us all able to put on a smile at least for the transition. It just shows that everyone accepts or is trying to accept the situation.

I had misunderstood your post--I didn't realize you were talking about what the children themselves would think. And I hope it didn't seem like I was suggesting that OP and her husband discuss their strategy in front of the kids! No way. The goal would be for the children to witness everyone being very civil, so, no speakerphone in front of the kids, of course, if BM is going to be verbally abusive. OP and her DH should model civility and not respond to or be reactive to rudeness.

Our counselor emphasized over and over that children are NOT served by thinking their parents might reunite when there is no chance that they will. Instead, the new couple should present a good role model of a good marriage. And in a good marriage, it is a no brainer that one does not permit belittling or insulting of one's spouse. And that includes someone who treats one like a romantic partner, regardless of the past.

The counselor said that children in a blended family feel the most secure with two conditions: the new couple is stable and loving; and, the new couple and their other bioparent have a good working relationship. It's important for the married couple to work together on a system where all the parents cooperate. Otherwise the kids sense a polygamy kind of arrangement.

It can be frustrating when the SK lives with you and the BM is like that. I'm in the same situation. SS lives with us and BM refuses to speak to me. I'm referred to as "that woman". It made me mad the first time but now I just laugh and think "yeah, I'm that woman and what a woman"! Anyway, my DH doesn't and won't talk to the BM unless he absolutely has to. We do everything by email or mail, no texts though. There is nothing that states you have to speak to each other. We've been doing it for over 10 years and its great not to have to talk to her! If also puts everything in writing. The email designated for all this communication is even my email address so actually she coordinates everything with me anyway! He is still an active parent in all decisions. He has no problem with it and I feel I'm apart of the decision making and an active parent too. We go by the rules of the divorce decree and it doesn't state you have to communicate by phone, just communicate. Hope this helps some.