BM is trying to play 'mommy' again

15 years ago

So ss decided he did not like the game bm got him for Christmas. She had mentioned to me that if any of the kids disliked their gifts let her know and she could exchange them. So I told her about ss and she said that she could pick the game up Wed during the day, go return it, and bring ds the money when he got home from school. I told her nobody would be home till evening to give her the game and offered to bring her the game Tuesday.

So I did. I had told her what time I would be at her house and when I got there I rang the doorbell and her 3 little ones came to the window and were opening it and talking to me. Kinda scary that they were left alone and can do that! After 2 doorbell rings and her kids screaming someone was there (about 5 min) she came to the door. She looked like she had just thrown on anything (didn't match and was totally not dressed for the weather). Honestly I think her and bf were having a flop in the hay! Wouldn't surprise me because she used to do that when skids were young and they had visitation with her.

As she opened it her bf was screaming "who is here". She told him and then I gave her the game. She quickly and quietly handed me half the money for the game and told me she would come Thurs or Friday when the kids got out of school with the rest. I think she didn't want her bf to know she was spending money on them. Then she told me that her and her mom were planning on getting sd this thing for her bday that she mentioned to the grandma. And then she said she also wanted to get ss something for his birthday (that was in SEPTEMBER!!). I said don't worry about it because it is over and he won't even notice, but then she said how she feels bad and wants to?? WHATEVER! Funny how now she wants to buy the kids things when she has not done so in years.

Well she never showed with the $ yesterday. I texted her today to see if she plans on stopping by later and no response. What is wrong with her? Why say you are going to do things and then not do them?

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Comments (10)

parent_of_one
15 years ago
because she is crazy and irresponsible...I wouldn't expect much from her....
sylviatexas1
15 years ago
can't remember the details of other posts, so please forgive if I've got this all wrong, but this sounds like she's living with an abuser.

No matter how much she wants to do something, no matter how much she promises, she may not be able to do a thing;
she may spend her whole life just trying to stay "out of trouble" with him.

Since she isn't on her own, I'd try not to judge how "irresponsible" she might be.

This may be the very best she can do.

PS:
Women who live with controllers/abusers/etc are manipulated into behaviors such as "a flop in the hay" when it is inappropriate or embarrassing; it's a way to humiliate & abase a victim.
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I've been thinking about these threads of yours and of how you get yourself worked up. Have you ever examined your beliefs to see if they fit the reality of the situation? There's an interesting technique called The Work by a woman named Byron Katie that might be something to try. It involves 4 questions that you pose to a thought that stresses you out. Pick any thought, it doesn't matter. Here are the 4 questions: 1) Is it true? 2) Can you absolutely know that it's true? 3) How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought? 4) Who would you be without the thought? And finally, turn around the belief you are questioning, and be sure to find at least three genuine, specific examples of each turnaround. So to take an example, how about one from your original post: my SD inserts herself into a situation in which she does not belong 1. Is it true that your SD inserts herself? Is it true that this is a situation in which she doesn't belong? 2. Can you know for certain that this is true? Is she really "inserting" herself, or is she simply showing herself to be a loving sister? Does she belong at your son's drop-off? Why wouldn't she belong? Is there anything about the drop-off that she would belong at? This is a milestone event, and family are often present at milestone events. Can you truly know what any other person is thinking, or what her intent really is? If you examine this carefully enough, you'll find that there's very little you can be absolutely certain of. 3. How would you feel if you didn't believe this thought? You say you can see yourself snapping. How would you feel if you lost that thought of snapping? Would you feel calmer, more relaxed, more loving towards your son who's going off to a new adventure? More loving towards your wife who may be feeling sad at the thought of an empty nest? 4. Who would you be without this thought? Would you be a happier person? More fun to be around? More centered? Less stressed? After you have investigated your belief with the four questions, you're ready to turn around the concept you're questioning. Each turnaround is an opportunity to experience the opposite of what you originally believed. Examples: my SD inserts herself into a situation in which she belongs my SD doesn't insert herself into a situation in which she does not belong. I insert myself into a situation in which I do not belong Think carefully about these turnarounds. What comes up when you try them out? Is there any truth in any of them? You may be surprised that what you think of as reality is in fact just a story you're telling to yourself, that your stress and tendency to snap is only in your head and has nothing to do with what's going on around you. Hoping this is helpful to you. Here is a link that might be useful: The Work
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parent_of_one
15 years ago
could be...but seems she was very uninvolved and irresponsible even when she was not with her BF, I might be wrong though, I don't remember if she was always with this BF...
lovehadley
15 years ago
" She looked like she had just thrown on anything (didn't match and was totally not dressed for the weather). Honestly I think her and bf were having a flop in the hay! Wouldn't surprise me because she used to do that when skids were young and they had visitation with her."

That image just grossed me out. Sorry you had to actually SEE it. Ewww.
incognitomom
Original Author
15 years ago
There is no doubt that bm's bf is an abuser. She has admitted it to me and her family. She cried to dh about it many times when he and I first got together. She left dh for this guy and has "acidently" gotton pregnant 3 times by this guy!

I have gone and spoken to her and offered her help. I know that her parents have offered to help her leave him and set her up with her own place and a car if she left him. Her sibling has offered to take her in if she left this guy. She talks about it, but then she stays. So I no longer feel sorry for her. She choses to subject herself and her young kids to this man. She choses to let him keep her from being involved with her 3 older kids. I know all about the manipulation and all that, but with all the ways out she has I believe it is her fault she continues to allow this abuse.

And LH I was totally grossed out! LOL
myfampg
15 years ago
What I wouldn't give for an inappropriate flop in the hay!! It's been .... Well.... Way too long. Lol sorry I just had to... What sacrifices we make.

I had a mental image. Thank goodness she came to the door instead of you having to go look for her.
incognitomom
Original Author
15 years ago
Ya I wish I could pull off a daytime flop in the hay with dh! But with 4 kids in the house its impossible.

And I tend to think in bm's case that doing that with three young children left alone while awake is dangerous!! BM's little kids range in ages from like 2-5! I can not imagine what trouble an unsupervised 2 year old could cause!
myfampg
15 years ago
My supervised 3 yr old can cause serious damage to a room that's for sure! People amaze me..
justmetoo
15 years ago
I would 'drop it' now...let it go. Yeah, SS only now has 1/2 the money to replace the game, but so what? It's no different than anything else involving his BM. He can either look for something that cost 1/2 as much as original gift, Dad can chip in the other half, or he can save up til he has enough for a desired replacement. Too bad for SS...it should not be this way... but you can't choke a replacement gift or money out of BM. Yes, I know, 'she said ______', but this happens each and every time and then she does not do what she said she would.

I also would not mention to the kids anything about what BM said about SD/SS's birthdays or presents. It may not (as usual) ever happen. Don't set the kids up for more disappointment/resentment.

No more trips to BM's to pick up/drop off either. If she is serious about this or that, let her come to you. If she does not show...oh well. I understand you were trying to be nice and it is you that followed through on the planned arrangements. I get all that. But it is her that is undependable (maybe due to the abuser she lives with) and who isn't going to follow through. She's proved it time and time again.

I'm sorry SS did not like his gift. I'm sorry he's only getting half the money...maybe she'll come through, maybe she won't. But next time leave the whole thing up to her. You keep expected her to change from event to event. You and SS don't deserve all the crap that goes along with trying to make it different. She's going to be who she is until she finds the strenght to change things for herself. You can't fix this for her.
sylviatexas1
15 years ago
Abuse victims don't make "choices" the way other people do;
they can't.

They are convinced that they're powerless & that nothing they do will make any difference anyway, so they do whatever will please their abuser.

BM is trying to play 'mommy' again

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BM is trying to play 'mommy' again

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