Are you sure the problem isn't closer to home than you think? Isn't 'your' husband in the military. How did your BIL meet this OW? Gosh both you and your sister must really love gardening and dogs. Nice that you have the same hobbies and priorities. There are reasons to stay with someone, but a nice landscaped yard isn't on my personal top priority list and I think dogs can move to different homes. There's obviously something wrong with the guy's testoterone levels, hormones, or whatever (heck, I'm not a guy I don't know how this stuff works). If he's unwilling to use Viagra for his wife, but ok with using it for others, I really can't see why she would want to put up with that cr&p. If his sex drive is that bad, I'm not sure he can really know if his lack of desire for his wife is real... Is it due to a medical problem or really her personally? I still wouldn't put up with the straying part. It's bad enough to have a husband that strays or one that can't perform... but if you put them both together and add to it the fact that he doesn't seem to care to want to fix anything... Well, I'm just not seeing a happy ending here... nice landscaping or not. So hope your sister or whoever can learn to live in non sexual friendship type relationship because that seems like the only thing she'll consider. Funny, but maybe if she actually put her foot down, he would have a little more respect for her and wouldn't be treating her this way. If you think you're a washcloth, people often treat you as such.

I don't want to seem unkind, just being realistic. If you have gained a lot of weight that could be the problem and I don't think he would tell you if it was. He wouldn't want to hurt you. Would he have dated you if you had weighed as much as you do now. My neighbor wants to meet someone so bad, but she has to weigh 275 to 300lbs and she is never going to get a date. She is beautiful, kind, worlds of fun, every where we go people open their arms to her for a big bear hug. But no man is going to know that because he can't get past the picture she makes when he looks at her. He is not going to introduce her to his friends. She had an old friend who she had dated until he moved away. He flew in to see her a while back and he was shocked. He even mentioned her weight gain. He bought her a gift, went home and she has never heard from him again. It's not fair, but it is reality.

OK, I see your point about it not being fair to dump everything on my MIL. It would probably be painful for her to listen to us discuss our problems, and maybe we would tend to overshare. I wouldn't want her to feel that she has chosen sides or been unsupportive of one of us. And we would not have been discussing sex! that would definitely be awkward! But no problems there. And I wouldn't have considered it if there were any ugly secrets to be revealed (I always thought it was a mistake for dh's cousin to talk about her husband's affair. He seemed sincerely contrite, and wanted to try to work things out, but I think that everyone knowing the details made it harder for her to think of taking him back. Anyway, I digress..) We have very different parenting styles - he is the authoritative type, and I am firm, but non-confrontational. One of our children is very stubborn, emotional and passive-resistive, and it's dealing with this child that brings out dh and my differences. I love the Love and Logic parenting books by Foster Cline, but that style is the polar opposite of what dh does. Although I asked dh to read these books, which I found very helpful, he just doesn't ever get around to it. I tried to explain/summarize, but even to my ears the message didn't come across as very convincing. I copied a few pages last week, and asked him to just read that much (hoping to pique his interest) but he hasn't got around to that either. I'm not sure how to convince dh to change, but I feel like my love and respect for him slipping away every time I hear him shouting at our son. And finances - we are not in dire straits, but of course with four kids there is never enough money to buy all that we want. He has a hard time denying himself things he wants to buy, so he's working like crazy (sometimes 100+ hours per week) to make enough to keep us afloat. While I am grateful that he is not a deadbeat, I think we'd be stronger as a family with less money and more time together. And he probably does feel that he will be blamed for everything. I am so unhappy and frustrated lately, and I can't imagine that he is not unhappy, too. He says that he has no complaints about me (I must be perfect, right??) but I wonder how that can be true. When we talk, he appears to listen, but nothing ever changes, so I feel like he doesn't really value my thoughts and feelings. I think our issues have been around for awhile, but it's just recently that our finances have been tight enough, and our children challenging enough, that I'm really bothered. I was listening to a radio show on the way to work last week, and the host said that sometime it is pointless to try to change your spouse, who probably has had the same habits for years. In that case, he said, it is better to change the way you feel. I just can't imagine feeling good about our relationship the way it is now.

Been there, done that. Ultimately, there's not much you can do about SS or dad or BM. You can certainly tell them what you think, how you feel, etc. but bottom line is it is up to your husband to step up to the plate and BE THE FATHER. Once I realized both my husband and the BM were NOT being the parents and were not backing me up when I tried to do the right thing, I got out of that role. You need to decide for yourself "what's worth it", "how much is too much" and so on. My now-adult-SS continues to lie and steal from us (I've changed the locks and he can't come over unless Dad is here). Dad continues to play the role of the ever-feeling-guilty-dad for splitting up with his BM (um, over 15 years ago!!!) and keeps trying to give his son a break. SS knows what to tell dad to get what he wants, and then changes his end of the deal once he gets it. ("yes, I'll take classes this fall if you pay my rent.....oh, I've got a lot of credit card debt I want to pay off, I have to work full time and can't take classes after all") I know there are some situations out there where the kids change and get their **** together, and there are ones that don't. You and Dad and BM have different parenting styles, with obviously different results accordingly. A friend of mine from Europe once pointed out that Americans make a huge deal out of step-parenting. I remind myself of that from time to time, remember that SS is someone else's child and I am "just" the stepmom. I finally had to make it clear what I would and would not tolerate in terms of issues very directly affecting me and my daughter (the stealing, no drugs/drinking/smoking in this house, etc.). SS now basically keeps his distance and actually treats me better than he used to. Dad stays close to him but still overlooks too much, and when it crosses the line (my line) my husband and I will still get into fights about it - but at least those fights are much smaller than they used to be. My husband is eventually getting tired of continuing to support SS, and foots the bill less and less, but still provides more than I think he should -- but then I remind myself, SS is not my kid, and the impact on me and my child is very minimal. Again, I'll come back to what I said earlier, you have to decide what is best for *you*, what are you willing to tolerate? You are just as much a part of this family as anyone and have the right to establish boundaries - and be prepared to enforce them yourself, much like you would with a room-mate. Don't imagine this will all go away, it may or may not.