how to be tactful?

18 years ago

A little background first... then the question! BM has been court ordered to have two 15-minute phone calls per week with SD (this is due to numerous problems in the past with inappropriate conversations and not allowing SD to get off of a phone call when she wanted to among other problems).

BM has made statements to DH about how SD is not "allowed" to call her and that if BM buys SD a cell phone we have to allow SD to call her whenever she wants (although we have great concerns that SD will be manipulated and "forced" into calling her BM every day even though she HATES talking on the phone).

How is the most tactful way to inform BM that SD has NEVER been restricted on her use of the phone; she has always had free access to the phone and could call her BM whenever she wanted to but has chosen not to? Should anything be said? I'm thinking that possibly SD has told BM that she is only allowed to talk to her the 2 court ordered times per week, as a way to redirect blame so she doesn't have to tell her mom that she really doesn't like to talk to her on the phone and really doesn't want to even talk to her those 2 times per week, so definitely doesn't want to talk more than that!

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Comments (3)

hecallsmemom
18 years ago
Very tough situation. Sometimes it's not easy to be tactful with someone who is quite often hateful, dumb as a rock, or belligerent, but as OP's or SM's we quite often have to be the more mature person.

In this situation, the courts themselves have determined the ammount of time BM is allowed to talk to SD. So, if BM gets nasty about it again, I'd explain to her in a neutral voice that you have never restricted SD's phone usage, and she is free to use the telephone at any time, however, the courts have limited the ammount of time that SD speaks to you and SD follows that because she does not like the telephone. I'd also then explain to her that getting SD a cell phone still does not change the court order or SD's feelings about the telephone.

If she continued to get rude I'd tell her that I refuse to continue the conversation until she can be civil.

That's how I'd do things anyways.
sweeby
18 years ago
Does the court order state:
- "no less than two 15 minute calls"
- "no more than two 15 minute calls"
- or merely "two 15 minute calls", which says nothing about any more or less...

And does it:
- "require"
- "permit" or "allow"
- or merely "order", which again says nothing about who "gets" to call or "has" to call or talk.

The legal approach can be the perfect scapegoat if it clearly supports your desired position. But if it doesn't, then frankly, I think the onus is on your daughter to plainly state that she dislikes talking on the phone. To anyone. Period. (I do. My son does.)

When BioMom calls, aside from the 15 minute conversations, then DD simply needs to be a bit less involved. Yes or No answers, seeming distracted, maybe even saying something along the lines of "I need to get something done before parents get home so I need to keep this short." She could 'complain' about a hypothetical girlfriend that annoys her by 'yacking her ear off!" on the phone. A nicer but more direct approach is for her to say she's got some story to tell BioMom, but that she wants to save it for when they see each other face to face because she doesn't like talking on the phone! and would rather save this story for the weekend.

Disliking phone conversations is not personal.
Keep it impersonal and it won't be "so delicate"...
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ceph
18 years ago
HeCalls and Sweeby both have great ideas!
I love the hypothetical girlfriend who 'yacks her ear off'!!

As for tactful about the cell phone... If she buys SD a cell phone, someone (ideally SD, but maybe DH or you) should explain than SD will be required to turn it off while she is in school, will turn it off while she's sleeping, and has the right to have it off any other time she chooses. She shouldn't have to keep it on for her mom to yack at her while she's at a friend's house or at ball practice, etc.

I think the neutral voice explanation of "She's never prohibited from calling you, but isn't a fan of the telephone, so usually waits for you to call her. It's not personal, she just doesn't make a lot of phone calls" is probably a good plan to possibly prevent a cell phone debacle.

I recall other posts about your SD and the phone calls, and I want to say again that I think she's been very mature and strong to try to stand up to her mom about the phone calls. Kudos to her!

how to be tactful?

Comments (3)

hecallsmemom

sweeby

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ceph

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