I often wonder just what the school should be expected to handle. My students are in the 10th grade, and we can legally only do so much. If we venture into areas that we are not licensed to teach, we are in trouble. But who should teach kids how to get along with other kids? Who should help gay kids understand what is happening, and how to adjust to our world? What do we do with obese kids? They are often quiet, and have such little confidence. When I divide the kids into groups, I assign groups so that everyone will be included. Our society has become quite prejudiced against obese kids. Athletes, cheer, pom high steppers, etc are in. We hear so much in the news about weight that diet drinks and healthful foods are really in. I wonder who should help these kids. But then who should help the pregnant ones, the ones ready to run away, and the ones shoplifting. Parents are often giving their kids drugs and alcohol. They must see the cleavages of the sweaters - they probably buy them. The skirts are soooo short, and the boys' pants sag so much. The pop machines and candy machines are closed at lunch, but the teachers who buy food in the commons come to the lounge with fries, tater tops, greasy hamburgers, loads of grease and always a dessert. I think our school will be making some changes, but the changes need to be through the country. The school to tell the parents that their kids are obese? What a joke! Maybe there should be something the school could do about it, but if the parents don't know the kids are overweight, what good would it be to tell them? Sammy

My children are older now, not babies or children, but I had the same ideas as you when they were little - limited tv, limits on sugary snacks and sweet drinks, breast feeding, etc. And, like you, my mom laughed or ignored some of them. Fast forward 20 years later, my mom appreciates the way I raised my children and she understands now why I made the choices I did. I am very, very glad I had the rules I did when my kids were young - I was right and I'm glad I held my ground. None of your choices sound extreme to me - limiting sugary snacks, limiting t.v., wanting a schedule and more time just the 3 of you, no trip to the beach at 4 months old - those are all reasonable choices. Cheri is right, your parenting ideas will change as your daughter grows. And she is right, your parents have things to contribute as grandparents. But that doesn't mean that you have to raise your children according to your parents' priorities and wishes. However, keep in mind a few things - whenever you talk about the way you want to raise your kids differently - many grandparents would see that as a criticism of how they raised you, their own child. Before you phrase things, think about how they might come across to your parents as implying that their methods were lacking. Also, be sure and make it a point to mention to your parents what they did right. My mom and I have different ideas about television, putting coke in baby bottles, etc., but my mom is also the person who taught me that when things look hopeless you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and work as hard as you can to change things. That is a gift she gave me infinitely more precious than riches or even education. Be sure and tell your parents what things they taught you that you will pass on to your children. Another suggestion that worked for us is that I told my mom that my husband wanted those rules. My mom simply ignored my rules if they were my rules, but she thinks my husband hung the moon and should have whatever he wants, so she (sometimes) listened if she thought it was my husband's wish. She did whatever she dang well pleased if it was just something I wanted. If my mom was particularly stubborn, my husband told her himself that he wanted it that way. Another thing that works well (with grandparents and babies) is to redirect. If your mom wants to take the baby somewhere, tell her no, now is not a good time, but this weekend would be great, how about then. Or if she wants to give the baby icing, tell her no, but baby loves sweet potatoes, why don't you give her that. Grandparents love to see "firsts" - first bite of chocolate, first time at the beach. Tell your parents, no, you can't take her to the beach this year, but when she's 2 you can take her and be there for her first time. You are being more than reasonable to limit tv, unhealthy snacks, limit visits to less frequently than daily or every other day, and set the expectation of higher education for your children early. Your mother is right, your daughter will express preferences of her own one day in education, food, hobbies, etc. That is still no reason not to set your standards high. If you are raising your daughter significantly different than the way you were raised, it will take years for your parents to change their minds. But when they see your daughter as a teenager, healthy and maintaining a healthy weight, doing well in school, winning awards and doing whatever extracurriculars (sports, violin, girl scouts, dance, whatever rings her bell), trust me, your parents will tell you you did your job well. I want to address something else cheri mentioned - her daughter's desire to use organic food, use cloth diapers, read to her children daily (I heartily endorse the part about reading to your children daily, by the way). The drive to be the best mom she could possibly be was strong in cheri's daughter, and even if her daughter changed her ways, she still probably has a strong drive to do her best. That drive should be honored, respected, and as much as reasonable should be indulged by grandparents. The realities of life will knock some practicality into the heads of young parents - let them have their dreams and give it their best shot. When my oldest was a baby my mother-in-law told me this, "In every young mother's life there comes a time when she has to look at her mother and say, 'Mother, you raised your kids the way you wanted, now it's my turn to raise my kids the way I want'." Be loving, be kind, include and affirm the grandparents, and let the grandparents have their way when it isn't important to you. But stand your ground with kindness on the things that matter. Everything you're asking for is reasonable and healthy for your child.

Just because her mom is demanding it, doesn't mean your DH has to listen. After all, that's why he has sole custody. Kathline makes a good point that BM may be trying to validate her role as mommy. We go through this with my SD's mom. She was taking her daughter out of school early because it was her 'right' as a mom, even though the teacher and DH finally said something about it. She went on a rant that everyone was keeping her from her baby! Since then, she's gone through SD's homework folder (which she hadn't done before) and fills out any form that says 'parent signature' on it. If I were you, I would not engage in her rant or do as she demands. If you run to take her to the doctor every time BM says so (even just to document), then BM will continue to demand it. If SD is feeling better, then I'd write back and say "she seems to be fine now or getting better. If she gets worse, I'll notify you right away and take her for treatment." Does BM pay for any of the medical costs? My SD's mom is supposed to pay half but we've never gotten a penny. She hasn't demanded we take her to the doctor but in your case, I might have told her that if she was so worried about the health of her child, she wouldn't let the lack of insurance information stop her. I know I wouldn't as a mom. But telling her that is only going to make her more defensive of her role as a mom, then you are essentially calling her a bad mom and that will probably get a bad reaction. theotherside, if OP didn't say that everyone in the house has had the flu, I'd be more inclined to agree with you. If the symptoms don't go away or get worse in two days, I would definitely find out why, of course we were sick for three days and it was just the stomach flu. So, part of assessing whether it requires a trip to the doctor would include what everyone has eaten or what the source of the problem is. I'd look at the big picture first. (and anytime there is blood, it's a no brainer...)

I am so sorry for the pain you're going through -- But (and this may not help) it doesn't sound all that unusual for 15-year old boys... That's a notoriously difficult age for boys. Difficult for them, with all of the hormones hitting, the physical awkwardness, emerging sexuality, social issues, budding manhood, need for privacy to sort things through, inability to process feelings verbally... And difficult for parents because they really want to help, but the kids absolutely can not let them in at that particular stage. They're separating from their parents -- trying to stop being 'children', but absolutely clueless about how to be 'adults'. Unless they're one of those 'Teflon teens' who are always good-looking, well-coordinated and popular, they're probably desparately confused about their place in the world. Totally in-between... Honestly, if all he's doing is shutting you out, please know that that is normal, even in intact families, and don't overthink it too much. Once he is able to drive and spend more time outside the house, things will probably improve dramatically -- really. And by the time he's 18 or 19, he'll probably be really nice again. I suspect Dad is really enjoying his new relationship with his son. Many men don't seem to know how to relate to young children, and his son's 'emerging manhood' may have been exactly the clue Dad was waiting for (but didn't know it) to recognize something he could bond with. I imagine he's feeling really important in his son's life -- like he finally IS the mentor and 'example' he was always supposed to be...