moving away from adult children
13 years ago
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- 13 years ago
- 13 years ago
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Should I let My Adult Children Go?
Comments (21)For Pamb100... isn't it a curious thing the power a sons wife may have? When they want to like you, they will...but when their honeymoon is over with hubby...his mom becomes mud...and they sling it off...i have watched this...i know it exists..to really good parents... I hope by 2013, you have mended some fences...but the DIL sounds like if she cannot have a mom, no one else will...i have had women tell me that they resented their MIL because their own moms were deceased... We all say..that we raise children to be independent, but we do not get any parental reward when a son feels it is easier to stay away from his family to keep his angry wife happy...and then we think...was it worth it..the whole journey...for me, it was not I have a lifetime of photos that I need to give my son, because I have no use in looking so far back...i have no idea why i have so many pictures...forget scrapbooks...it would be a painful thing to do...the sad thing is that my son is teaching his sons to do the same thing to them....and i feel sad about that...i don't wish that on my DIL... She will not always have a busy life...circumstances will turn...and they will have wives...women in their youth, cannot fathom what retirement and losing family to illness will make their older years... I have had cruel words filtered my way, indifference, neglectfulness and many hurts that may revisit her....my son just seems to be helpless...what do sons really do when their wife declares she does not his family...maybe like isn't the word...but she does not want to give us any time...should they divorce? So...you see...turning loose to the hope of the all american family may be the best thing you could do.. Feel lucky though...your spouse supports you in seeing the reality, mine has hidden his head in the sand...and it is devastating.......See Moremothers estranged from their adult children
Comments (2)ms500 - I hate to hear you are having such a hard time. I too am divorced - my ex wanted to devote 24-7 to building his own business and didn't want the responsibilities of a family to hold him down. This after almost 17 years of living our life around that business which included losing almost everything, including our home. It always came first and so I shouldn't have been surprised when he said he wanted out. I look back now and realize what a doormat I had become and now that my oldest son had tossed me aside, I don't know why I am surprised. He learned from his dad to put everything above family and if family gets in the way just walk away. I asked my counselor why, what I did - provide a loving and supportive home, be the nurturer and the disciplinarian, and not leave, did not influence him as much as what his dad did. His answer was - my son knows where his rock is when he needed someone. He knew who he could rely and he has no reason to believe you will not always be there. On the other hand - he doesn't have that with his dad and therefore will not push him or take him for granted because he doesn't trust him as much. I still remember people telling me that the payoff for raising kids came when they were older and understand what it is to be a parent. So yes I feel cheated in more ways than one. My ex who wanted more than his family is the one that gets to enjoy his family. What is fair about that. Yet I believe that in time you reap what you sow. I know what I have sown and what I am experienceing now is not my reward. I believe the same for you. For some reason they seem to be in denial of the neglect and abuse you took on their behalf because of their dad. Have faith and hope that in time you will be rewarded for your effort. I can say "that" even though I have never even met my only grandchild - because I believe someone greater than me is in control. Good luck and best wishes....See Moreparents of estranged adult children
Comments (70)Jan, You are a kind and compassionate woman. Thank you for caring about all of us. In laws can destroy relationships. Although my marriage was destroyed by many factors, the learning experience has enabled me to help my daughter save her marriage from her jealous mother in law. She wanted to keep getting my support and not supporting me in return, so I am now pretty much estranged from her and her sister. They model after my irresponsible, lying, abusive X. The estrangement drags me down, but I try to keep on going despite it. I can only change/improve myself and my life. They are free of to live their own lives. I have 2 grandsons who live out of state and my daughter has not denied me a relationship of sorts with them. This is not what I expected at all, as I devoted my all to raise them. I am very sorry for your heartache, but adult children seem to go their own way and they do not need us anymore. Some want us, like your daughter wants you, but sons seem to either be devoted to their Mothers, while others cling to their wives. My Mother was loved by all and she handled the son/daughter in laws by accepting invitations when invited, not asking them for anything, being respectful and nice to all and letting them live their own lives as they saw fit. I am not my Mother, nor a doormat, so I have a much tougher time with relationships because I express my views and try to protect myself from abuse; I have a few close friends and relatives, but not many. Please let us know how you are doing and if you find a way to mend the rift....See MoreAdult Step Children
Comments (1)There is obviously much more to the story here. I can understand your being surprised by what seems to you to be out-of-the-blue behavior. First thing I'd do if I were you is try to get in "asking" mode with the Aunt and let her know you are receptive to whatever insight she may have into what the SDs are currently dealing with. Let her know you care about the SDs' welfare and want to help if it's requested. Let her know that you genuinely want to understand what the source of their upset is with you and that you want to listen to it without judging, rejecting or minimizing any of it. For now, try to keep any and all discussions you have about SDs between you and the Aunt, not with SDs yet and don't drag your husband into it either until you've gained some more insight and there is no more 'surprise' about how the current state of affairs developed. The Aunt sounds like a caring and articulate person who understands your point of view and wants the situation to be better for everyone. As for your children, you might want to have a conversation with them directly addressing the recent cut-off in communications. The Aunt's letter sounded as though the SDs are both dealing with difficult times. (Do you know of any particular event, conversation or change that has occured recently ---especially regarding you or your kids--- which might be precipitating this for both of them right now?) It sounds like they may be fighting depression, and as we all know, depressed people often withdraw from people and have trouble living up to all of their commitments. I would explain to my kids that they are dealing with some stuff right now and their choices are nothing personal against them. And that sometimes people can be erratic and need a little space from time to time. If what the Aunt tells you about why SDs are upset is something that you can neither understand nor accept, that is your choice. If you choose not to accept it, you are removing yourself from the equation (as it sounds like they have, at least for now) but that isn't a choice you can make for your husband. He may accept or reject their perspective, but that is his choice to make. You also have the option to hear what their complaints are and try to work with them towards some kind of resolution. Husband and SDs, too, have that option, which they may take, or they may not. You can only decide what choice is best for you based on what you feel about what you learn. Others will have to make their own choices, based on their own feelings, in due time....See More- 13 years ago
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