Do you regret not adding to your family?

14 years ago

I married at 29, had our first child at 30 and the third at 34. Two years later I asked DH if he wanted one last child, as we would have loved to give our daughter a sister. We finally decided that since we were blessed with 3 healthy children, it might be selfish to risk having a child with severe birth defects that our existing children might have to care for some day. So we stopped at 3 kids, which I now often regret.

I can't help thinking I was a fool to worry so much about 'what if' instead of just going for it and giving birth to a fourth child at age 37. I now envy my sisters who are already grandparents, but still have a child at home. I know it's very individual, and many couples love being empty nesters for at least a few years to enjoy complete freedom until they may be asked to babysit for their children. But DH and I both find the house way too quiet and really wish we had a child still at home to shorten the gap between raising children and enjoying grandchildren. I don't have the energy now to raise a small child, but I'm pondering fostering a teenager who just needs a few more years of parenting. Have any of you done that, and how did it work out?

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Comments (58)

lilliepad
14 years ago
Not really.I always wanted 2 boys and 2 girls in that order but I got the girls first,3 years apart.I had a miscarriage between the 2 girls.There was 9 years difference in the last girl and the first boy,so built in baby sitters!LOL They did love their little brother and were a lot of help.We really didn't plan any more after that but 8 years later had a little surprise,youngest son! LOL Seriously,I had no idea I was pregnant.Thought I had a stomach virus.LOL Oldest DD was 15 when he was born and lugged him around like he was her own.In fact a lot of people thought he was hers and that I was the grandmother.I was 37 when I had him.LOL There were times (not very many) when we thought of another one so he would have a sibling closer to his age but it never happened.
lydia1959
14 years ago
Sometimes I wish I'd had one more so my DD would have a sibling... but DD has something called Reflex Anoxic Seizures which scared the beejeebees out of me. The smallest bump, fright or change in temperature would sometimes cause her to collapse, stop breathing and sometimes do the posturing with the eyes rolling back into her head. We were told she was a breath holder, but I knew it was more than that... I later found out what she really had during an internet search.

I also had some female problems which made getting pregnant again more risky.

IF DH and I had been more well off financially I think I'd have talked him into adopting a baby girl from China (or some other country) to add to our family.
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dances_in_garden
14 years ago
Sometimes yes, sometimes no. Do I want another child with DH (meaning biologically)? No. Would I take a baby if somebody dropped it on my doorstep? ABSOLUTELY. I have a dear male friend who is older and childless. If he were to ask me to have his baby tomorrow I would drop everything and do it. I know that sounds odd, but I know he would make a wonderful father and we could still be friends LOL.

I know logically that physically I cannot take care of a baby. I lifted something that was 10 pounds the other day and have been paying for it since. Could you imagine, trying to lug a baby on one hip while using a cane for the other ;)?

DD was playing with a neighbour boy who is three. Adorable, big mop of curly blonde hair, clearest blue eyes I have ever seen. The kind of child that makes your uterus ache. After he left, she looked at me and sighed "The only thing that will make my life complete, is a baby brother or sister". I immediately called my sister and told her "YOU ARE IN BIG TROUBLE" because I know DD didnd't come up with that sentence herself.

Dsis goes to a psychic who swears I will have a baby boy around the time DD turns 10. I have a few months left so I better get going. Tee hee!

I told her that the psychic is confused and has been seeing Max, who is a boy.
sue_va
14 years ago
My DH was in the Army when we got married (1944) and I knew his ambition was to teach school. We had two planned children, a girl and a boy, 4 years apart, during the time he was in college. That was a financial struggle and we knew we could not raise, feed, house and educate any more than that.

I don't regret not having more, but a strange thing happened when I came home from the hospital after having a hysterectomy when DS was 11 years old. It was the first time since he was born that I had been in the hospital. As we walked into the house, I had a very strong feeling that I should have been carrying a baby. My arms just felt empty. That was 58 years ago, and the memory lingers on.

I do have grands, and great-grands, and I still yearn for an infant from time to time.

Sue
sheilajoyce_gw
14 years ago
We had a surprise third baby when I was 37. Our kids are all 3 years apart, and he came the day after his brother's third birthday, so he looked perfectly planned.

My husband travelled and so I did most of the child rearing myself during the week. It was hard on me with no family close by to help or even just visit. But, we were able to afford a twice monthly cleaning crew, so that was huge.

We are now empty nesters, and we both really miss the old days. Having a 4th child would have been too much, but it sure would be fun right now to still have a child in the home.

Instead, we look forward to visits from our only grandchild and the arrival of another in the fall. They live an hour away and will often come down for the night when DSIL is away on business.

I too debated being a foster parent. When we finally had our family, I decided that adding a foster child to the mix would be too much for me to juggle. But I did give it serious thought.

Good luck to you. I wish you well in fostering a teen. You are an angel.
stephanie_in_ga
14 years ago
Not yet. But then, I have 4 and they are all still growing up. ;o) They are all about 3 years apart, from 16 to 7. My neighbor took over after that, hers are 3 1/2 and 6 months right now. So when I need a fix of those ages, I go play with her kids and that's enough for me.

We did start out saying we'd have 2 kids. We had the 2 boys, and I wanted another baby hoping for a girl. I got her (boy, did I get her! The one my mother wished on me!). Then #4 snuck up on us, another boy. I would have regretted stopping at 2, I would not have been satisfied with that short experience. Now that I have the chaos, I cannot imagine life without it.
dotmom
14 years ago
I was just saying to DH, the other day, I wish we could have had a forth baby. We had 2 boys then a girl and often wish we could have given her a sister, but there were no guarantees on the sex of the next baby, so we stopped at three, thankful they were all healthy. Dottie
trinitytx
14 years ago
I adore babies, and could rock and hold them all day long.
So after I had my three, I knew I was done. Now I am blessed with grandkiddos. Everything is better a grandma's house.

Trin
wanda_va
14 years ago
I desperately wanted two, but was unable (for health reasons) to have a second child. Now that my son is gone, I am especially sorry I couldn't have had another baby.
Adella Bedella
14 years ago
I originally wanted four with the first two kids two years apart and then a break and then two more kids. Ds#2 was only 10 months when I found out I was pregnant with Baby #3. I ended up having a difficult delivery with Baby #3 and realized I was lucky to have three healthy kids and didn't want to risk havig a fourth so we stopped.

My kids are 5, 7,and 9. I don't have the urge to have more. I still like tolook at newborns sleeping, but any time I hold a baby that is bottlefed, it just doesn't feel right. I don't have the patience for a baby anymore. I like that my kids can do things on their own.
cheekybones
14 years ago
I would not have planned to just have one; however, it was a miracle to get him here. It took some time to adjust (and put up with all the **** from family and others who thought it was their business), but I am very happy to have him and it is ok he was the only one.
magic_arizona
14 years ago
I have the perfect teenager for you to foster.

You can give him back when he's about 30 or so.
debo_2006
14 years ago
Be happy and content with the three you here able to have. We weren't lucky enough to have any.
country_bumpkin_al
14 years ago
Not having more children was not a decision we made..that's just the way it worked out. We practiced birth control for maybe 3mos. of our almost 40yr. marriage. My "birthing" years began and ended with a loss. We married in Oct.1968. We lost a baby girl in July 1970. Kept hoping to get pregnant after that but nothing happened. In 1975 the little girl of some friends came to live with us. She was almost 3. After a year we filed for and got custody and legally adopted her in 1979. I got pregnant in Dec. 1979 and had a little boy in August 1980. Then, I got pregnant again in April 1984, had the baby (early) in Nov.
We were blessed to have him 5 days.

I guess it was just meant for us to have 2 and I'm thankful everyday for them!!
ronm80
14 years ago
No way, two DDs is all we could afford. We gave them the best and they have done good.
liira
14 years ago
I only wanted one child. After my second son, I had a tubal. 15 months later, I was pregnant again. I was very depressed about it and denied being pregnant when people asked, I would respond that I was fat. I gave birth to a girl the day after my second son's 2nd birthday. She is truly a gift from GOD and I can't imagine life without her. That was 23 years ago. Now I'm waiting for the grandchildren to arrive.
alisande
14 years ago
This is a good question, and I was interested to read all the answers.

I can't say I have regrets about this, exactly, because I did almost everything I could to have a fourth baby. I was 41, and the whole family (including kids 6, 9, and 11) wanted a baby. I did get pregnant, and even found a midwife willing to deliver this "older" mother at home. But the pregnancy went bad from the start, and I took it as a sign that we shouldn't try again.

I was an only child, so three children seemed like a good-sized family to me. I started having babies at age 30. Later, when I'd lost my daughter Gillian, I wished I'd started sooner and had five. At this point in my life, the more to love me and be loved by me, the better.
pattico_gw
14 years ago
Yes...I wish I would have had at least one more...I had two daughters and 10 years later had one son. I wanted one more but it took me those 10 years to talk Denny into one more...I would have been way too old in anther 10 years...LOL

I would have wanted another daughter.

patti
evatx
14 years ago
The only reason I wish I had 2 more grown children is so I could have more grandchildren!
angela59
14 years ago
Yes but not so much for myself as my daughter. She had a little sister for 13 years. When Alissa died 4 years ago, she became an unplanned only child. If it had always been that way, it would have been OK, but I know she thinks about being the last one in our family and it's hard for her. That on top of missing her sister so much. So, I do wish we had started earlier and had at least one more.
sheesh
14 years ago
We did! We have three dtrs and three sons. The oldest is 40, the youngest 24. All are happy, healthy adults who enjoy each other's company. The oldest four are married professionals; the two youngest are completing their graduate degrees, not yet married.

It was wonderful raising six ethical, honest citizens, and I am very proud of them. And we have a good start on grandkids, too. The oldest of the six of them just turned six!

One of the kids wants a big family, the other kids are holding at one or two so far.
Lily316
14 years ago
I thought about it briefly and had I been assured it would be a girl, I would have tried for it. But I settled for a boy and a girl and each of them only has one child and that's the way it will be. The grandkids are a boy and a girl.
Marilyn Sue McClintock
14 years ago
I did add to my family when I was 41 I gave birth to Amber. We already had 3 older children when she was born and she and my granddaughter are very close in age. I did seem to enjoy her more that the older ones, probably because by then I knew what to do and what to expect and of course having some more modern things to make life easier surely helped.

Sue
Jasdip
14 years ago
Nope, not for a nanosecond. Have zero kids.
I'm in the minority of anyone posting, but I never wanted kids. Never. Had a tubal at 22, so reading Liira's post startled me. Thank heavens mine worked.

Just the other day we took my mom out for an early dinner at Swiss Chalet and the diningroom was almost empty. First off the waitress had enough deodorant or perfume on to drive us crazy when she put down the menus and cutlery.
Then the waitress seated a couple with 2 little kids directly in the booth behind us. The kids talked very loudly non-stop. I said that it wasn't my day, first the smell of the waitress then she had to put to put the kids behind me.

Mom laughed and said, it sure is good you didn't have kids.My family knows it was the right thing!
organic_donna
14 years ago
I never wanted children either. Growing up my mother always told us, "children will change your life forever". She didn't encourange either me or my sister to want children. My father died when I was 12 and after his death it was only me and my mother. I was never around a lot of siblings.
Now that I'm 54 I do regret not having children. I think as you get older family becomes very important. I have fur babies though. When I retire I am going to rescue animals and hopefully be able to keep many on my property. I love animals so that is a good substitute.
Donna
Granlan_TX
14 years ago
I just wish I'd given myself a chance to grow up before I got married and started having kids. I wasn't meant to be married or a mother.

I used to feel guilty for having such feelings, but I've learned over the years all women are not the same and that's ok, too.
nancylouise5me
14 years ago
Nope, 2 children were all we ever wanted. Didn't matter what sex they were. We were just happy to have them and love them. NancyLouise
orie
14 years ago
We waited, by choice, to have children. It backfired. I was 34 when my DD was born. She was a difficult baby. Never slept, cried day and night. They couldn't find anything wrong with her.... I was at my wits end. We had recently moved to NC and had no family to help and knew noone. My DH was traveling quite often to Japan. I was alone to deal with a child that was never happy. When she finally outgrew whatever the problem was, she was 3 yrs. old and I was now almost 37. I thought I was too old and also too old to possibly risk having another child with the horrible first 3 yrs. like she'd had. I knew I couldn't hack it. I had really hoped to have 2-3 kids. I always regret not jumping in no matter what... I wanted a little boy.
jannie
14 years ago
I almost missed the boat entirely. I was too wrapped up in career and enjoying myself travelling, then at 35 we both decided, time to settle down and have some kids. I had two daughters in 2 years, it was rough when they were little. Two babies in diapers, yet there were benefits. I got to mix with young mothers at school meetings, that kept me "young at heart". Enjoyed the young years, birthdays and Christmases stick out in my mind. Now they're grown up, 19 and 20. They still live at home but DH always wanted a little boy. Should we have tried for a third? Maybe. . .
boxiebabe
14 years ago
I never had any children (for reasons too lengthy and personal to go into). Do I regret it? Yes, in many ways. My hubby has 2 daughters from his first marriage though, so I am looking forward to being a Grandma when the time comes.
Kathsgrdn
14 years ago
Sometimes wish I had one or two more, but maybe not with the ex. Actually, wish I had not ever met and married the ex and that I'd met someone else and had kids with him instead. LOL! He wasn't too happy when he found out I was pregnant with Lauren. She wasn't planned. Can't go back now so I don't think about it alot.
amicus
Original Author
14 years ago
Thank you for all your responses. debi 2006 made a good point advising that we should be happy AND content with the three children we were able to have, as they weren't lucky enough to have any. By all means we are blessed to have 3 wonderful kids and would have adopted otherwise, just as others fulfill their nurturing instincts through certain career paths or caring for animals in need. But I can definitely admit that although we were always happy and content RAISING our three children, we are still happy but not as "content" living as empty nesters.

I guess DH and I are just missing the busy household that we became accustomed to for over 20 years. Of course we still share laughter and conversation, but when one of us isn't home, you're only conversing with yourself, lol. Since grandchildren are still probably 4 to 5 years away, we're just contemplating fostering a teenager to fulfill our need to nurture and fulfill their need to be nurtured. We were lucky to escape any major problems getting our three through their teenaged years, but I know that's not always the case, so fostering a teenager could be much more than what I've handled before. At the same time, I'm remembering how I regretted my decision not to try for a fourth child because I was getting older, and I don't want fear of the unknown to prevent me from fostering a teenager if it could be a wonderful thing for all of us.
Terri_PacNW
14 years ago
No the three we have were more than we asked for. LOL The first one was difficult and I was told no more.. 5 years later..suprise..and 3 years after him suprise again.

But my husband also has 3 from his first marriage.
janie_ga
14 years ago
Eric and I have wondered what kind of kid we would have had but I cannot say we regret not having kids. We know that our lives are not set up for kids and it would not be fair to bring another human into this world just to "see what we could produce". Based on how our cats behave, a child would be a holy terror- so in the long run, it is probably best, LOL.
susie53_gw
14 years ago
We always said we wanted 6 but stopped at 3. We had 2 sons and daughter. Sadly we lost one son and decided not to have anymore. But we had a little surprise 5 years later. What a wonderful baby girl. We did stop there because we knew we wanted to get them educated to be able to make it on their own in life. We did and have no regrets. They are al doing well and have given us 7 sweet grandbabies..

Susie
lindaohnowga
14 years ago
I firmly believe God has our lives planned from birth to death, and it was not in His plans for me to give birth which due to my physical condition was very wise. We tried...wanted at least one child. Tried adopting a little boy which was a horror story. Learned real quickly to say "THY will be done,not MY will be done. We have one adopted by love adult daughter who is the greatest blessing in our lives. God is great.
linda_in_iowa
14 years ago
One was all I could afford. Now that he is grown, I wish I had had a second.
susanjf_gw
14 years ago
we had our girl, 4 at the time, and our ds 2...had an oops baby and ended up with b/g twins!
nan_nc
14 years ago
I regret that my son did not have a full sibling, but I already knew that the marriage would not last. His step- and half-sisters (raised by exH and wife) did not turn out nearly as well as he did.

I would have liked to have a daughter, but she would probably have been just like me! Too scary to think about!
susan_on
14 years ago
We had a daughter and then four years later, a son. Our daughter had serious health problems, and we were going to wait to have another, but DS came along unexpectedly. He was a holy terror! Between her health problems and his hyperactivity, it was all I could handle. Once DS turned about ten though, I started having a strong urge for another one, but DH would not go for it.
pplantlady
14 years ago
I'm like a few others here and never had the urge. I knew at 8 years old that I didn't want babies and I vividly remember riding in the back seat of the car with my two little brothers, hanging over the front seat (no seatbelts worn in those days lol) to tell my parents that when I grew up I wanted to be spayed so I didn't have kids LOL. We had cats that got spayed so I figured that's what I wanted. At 55 yrs old I've had a fleeting thought or two.....but I'm sure that I made the best choice for me. I've been divorced for many years .... like 27 and I never remarried so children wouldn't have been a good fit in my life anyway. I've had neices ,nephews and neighborhood kids to fill the void but they always COULD GO HOME when I'd had enough!!! LOL!
I'm good with my decision.
Patti
gingertn
14 years ago
I'm stressing about this decision right now, actually. I never wanted to have children, until I met Larry. Then I knew we'd have a son. Just knew it. Then after I had B, I wanted to have 3 kids, never wanted B to be an only. Now that things have not gone well for us, I am really torn about having another. I really want a sibling for Bradley and I sometimes want another baby for myself, but he would be almost 5 by the time another baby could possibly get here.... Ugh. I don't want to regret it later, either way. So. I'm not sure what's going to happen.
Vickey__MN
14 years ago
Had DD#1, morning sick bad. Got married (yes DD#1 not his), got preg with DS, morning sick worse, we decided that two was enough. Then SURPRISE got pregg with DD#2. Immedialty asked Dr when I could get tubes tied, I was done..1 over done. He thought I was too young, I said I wasn't too young to decide I was done. Never regreted being done. WOuld I have regretted being done after DS...no. Love all dearly, love kids and babies, but didn't "need" a certain number of kids to make my life comeplete.

Vickey-MN
kathi_mdgd
14 years ago
No,absolutely not.We had 3 boys then a girl and i told DH that's it.There's nothing else we can have ,and if there is i don't want it.

I now enjoy the grands and great grands,can spoil them,then send them back home with their parents.
Kathi
paula_pa
14 years ago
Before having kids, I thought being childless would have been fine with me and I'm sure I would have been okay with that. After having my son, I was so happy that I had him, thrilled, but I would have been content stopping at just one (his birth was horrendous). After having my second son 4 1/2 years later, I really wished I had started earlier and had more kids. Now I regret not being able to have at least one more but finances and my age are telling me to stop.

Personally I would not want to take on a teenager. You might get more excitement than you bargained for and I just don't know if that would give you the contentment you desire.
samkaren
14 years ago
DH and I don't have any children (by Choice) and I don't regret it at all.

SamKaren
your resident DJ
neesie
14 years ago
I have no regrets; I have three kids, now grown, spaced four years apart. Nothing was planned, they just "happened".

The daydreaming of what your family might have been sounds so fairytale like. Like teenage girls who long for babies and not know what they're like 24/7. Sure it would be great to have a dozen kids and three dozen grandchildren when I'm an old lady. But in reality my hubby and I had three. I'll admit that when I was in my late 30's I did get that scared feeling that it's now or never. So maybe the biological clock ticks even after you have kids. Be confident in your choice, you got what you got and never regret it. Love the ones you have!
rivkadr
14 years ago
My husband and I are in our mid-30's and have no children -- and no plans to have any! We don't regret it for a minute.
patrice607
14 years ago
picky -

If you have the time, energy and finances to foster kids, go for it! There are so many kids in that age group that need emotional support. If you're not sure, maybe you could volunteer at a shelter or a youth mentoring program to help you decide. It's a big commitment. You might even check out foster parent support groups to talk to people with experience.

Good luck & God Bless!
lulie___wayne
14 years ago
Most definitely especially since we have lost our only daughter, Christin. My son is the only child left and he is alone now without any siblings.
I always wanted 3, by my husband thought we had the perfect family having one boy and one girl. Little did we know what the future would hold.
Lu

Do you regret not adding to your family?

Comments (58)

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