Watch the dates on some of these posts.

Bumping it up is timely since it is graduation time. I'm faced with a dilemma of what to give right now. I just received a Graduation announcement from my niece's son's high school graduation. I have no idea what to give this boy, I have not seen him since he was a toddler if memory serves me correctly. They are RICH beyond my wildest dreams so my little bit of cash I could afford to give seems kind of silly. He'd open the card and say "what the heck am I supposed to do with this pittance". HA!

Nice to read a thread that dotmom posted to.

Yes, still a valid thread considering the time of year. Doesn't matter what year it was started.

Arkansas_girl -- You might go with an item instead of cash, then. There are some cool gadgets for guys on www.thinkgeek.com

Timely thread.

As I was selecting card for a HS graduate I noticed cards for PRE-KINDERGARTEN graduation -- and kindergarten, too. And here I'd felt that Junior High fuss was over the top.

I agree with watchmelol. People are *expected* to graduate from HS now. It's not the same milestone as when it was he end of educational achievement and "Welcome to the world of work". (That was also when society expected adult behavior from someone 18 or 20. Today some college-age jerk's behavior is excused because, "He's just a kid.")

I plan to enclose a check with the card I bought for our DIL's niece's HS graduation. I thought she could use it for one of her college professor's books -- you know, the one he wrote twenty years ago that is required reading for his course?

What amount is appropriate?! There are two more nieces, both much younger. All the families pay for private schools, and none of these girls will require college loans. I am just trying to be "appropriate", not too little and not too much. My DH and I see these kids only at DIL's family functions once or twice a year, but have 'known' them all from birth and give them gift cards at Christmas. (The graduate lives locally; the others live across the country.)

I don't believe in a set amount, as everyone is one different budgets, what some can afford, others can not. And also some are very special to your hearts and you many want to give a bit more to them. I give from my heart and what I can afford and don't care what others say about it.

in this day and age and little kids getting $$ for even loosing a tooth, I say enough is enough...give what you're comfortable with...we average $25 for "important" dates (bday ect) $50 for grands at Christmas and $100 each adult child, and their spouse as well...

but what has been the greatest deal, are what we call papa dollars....$1 given for a goal in soccer, hit in baseball, finishing a race...even a concert...you get the idea...even the oldest grand (16 next month) cherishes those dollars...

Linda_In_Iowa -- For your financial health, I hope you'll take this advice: Stop giving kids you hardly know a graduation gift and know that giving just a sympathy card without money is sufficient for the bereaved.

Great, an opportunity for me to offer a moderate view.

Linda, if you go to a grad party, you probably owe a gift. It's you who's triggering the obligation, so it's your choice. Why go if you don't know them?

As far as a mandatory contribution for attending a funeral, I find that offensive.

But, of course, spend your money as you wish.

I used to be frequently invited to school graduations, by people who I really didn't know well. Like friends of friends of friends, etc. I didn't go because I didn't know the grads very well, if really at all, and I really just felt like it was a way to accumulate gifts or money. Like the more people I invite the more gifts I might receive. For me, that's not the true spirit of recognizing one's success / achievement. I'm very generous to those who have worked hard, and earned their success. But if you're only inviting me to get something out of me, I don't think so.

And I agree with Snidely on the mandatory contribution for attending a funeral. Really? Customary to pay financially to pay one's respects? Now if I know you really, really well, I would probably find a way to help during a time of grief, like providing a meal, or helping with chores. But I'm not going to attend a funeral and pay money to do so.

Moonie I agree, it was nice reading the post from dotmom. I miss her!

Mandatory contributions for attending a funeral is a new one on me! I generally donate to the charity of their choice in their name, provide meals and offers of help. I am not sure what I would think if someone gave me cash in a sympathy card. Maybe it is more common than I think it is.

Linda said it's customary -- not mandatory -- so what am I missing?

Last month I learned that a woman I knew/liked from work for many years had lost her husband in an accident this past winter. She has a teenage son. We no longer work for the same company so I searched the internet to find her address and sent her a card/note and enclosed a check ($50)..... so it sounds from the comments here like that was the wrong thing to do?

It certainly isn't mandatory to put money in with a sympathy card, but if you want to that is fine. When my husband passed away, I received several cards from close friends with money in them and touching notes. It was not strange at all.

We are only giving $25 to my sister-in-law's granddaughter. The reason is because we don't know her at all. I may have met her once, I'm not sure. But since we were sent an invitation, we felt obligated to send something. And no we will not be attending the party. They have no contact with us at all for any other get togethers. Makes me wonder if they would send something to my granddaughter when she graduates in 2 years. I think not.

No, not wrong party_music50, just not necessary for every funeral/every circumstance, especially if one has a limited income (like Linda_in_Iowa). There are some cases, like the one you described, where giving is a very kind gesture (either directly to the bereaved or to a charity named in the obituary).

"But since we were sent an invitation, we felt obligated to send something."

Have you already mailed that check? If not, please don't. An invitation is not a summons. You are not obligated to open your checkbook just because you've received it. And, this one has all the makings of a "gift grab". Just decline to attend with your best wishes.

if we quit posting to this 7 year old thread, it might travel down the page...

Asked and answered already, rob333. Scroll up to see those posts.

I got that jewel. And yet, there are still more posts. So I guess that means, it's going to keep going! Okiedokie

Any help on determining an amount of check for HS graduate? (It would be nice if posts were *numbered*, so I could refer you to background I posted.)

Yes, Rob, because people still want to talk about it.

ChiSue -- Question: have your DIL's nieces routinely thanked you for the gifts you've given them for Christmas?

Still got it. Thanks for the note???

Just not understanding why you keep wanting to bury the thread despite clearly seeing that others are finding value in discussing the topic.

Back to basics.... I help take care of a 91 yr old blind woman who has a GD graduating from high school. She putting a $100 bill in a card. It's a lot of money for her, on just SS income, but she's been setting aside a little each month from her budget for months now. I have only met the young lady a few times but I'm still putting $20 into a card.

OTOH, a casual friend's son graduated from college two years ago. I have never met the son, but my son went to the same college twenty years ago, so we often talked about the school and the city, which is all the way across country. They sent me a graduation invitation knowing I could not attend, nor did they expect anything. I sent a card, no money.

I'm with watchmelol on this one. When I graduated HS, many years ago, I refused to send out notices because I didn't think anyone should send me gifts or money for graduating. It is silly IMO. Parents pay for report card grades, children get elaborate parties every year, gifts are expected for every little thing, and pretty soon people think they are owed financial kudos for breathing. Get real! When the focus of living is looking forward to the next opportunity to solicit people for money and gifts, your priorities are askew.

And I don't understand why you've posted nine times in 20 hours? Or keep telling me about it.

I sent out notes gyr. With another note in it that said, please don't send anything. Attend if you want, but really, I just wanted you to know that I've graduated since you've helped me get there! Maybe it's something like that? :)

And, you Rob333, have posted 13,242 times on this forum (according to the stats on your profile). Pot meet kettle.

A spirited conversation, even if it started 8 years ago about a touchy and timely topic, is still a valid "bump", so why not add some more contemporary opinions? To follow are only my personal curmudgeonly opinions and observations:

Graduations are difficult. I think, along with many others way up there in prior postings, that the whole reward for accomplishments that once upon a time were ignored or expected (chisue's example of pre-kindergarden graduations is spot on) probably don't merit a monetary reward. A congratulations and pat on the back via a card with a handwritten note is plenty in my opinion. Someone who has overcome adversity to achieve that accomplishment should be recognized and rewarded. Be creative, there are rewards other than money. I recently traded a relative some extra equipment I had to support him in starting his own business; in return, he's promised to do some landscape design/work. Win-win. I bet he'll appreciate my "gift" every time he uses the weed whacker and the other stuff I gave him much longer than just putting $ in his pocket.

Whatever type of reward you feel comfortable giving (and can afford) or really, really want to give to someone who deserves it is up to the individual giver. I don't believe in hard and fast rules or comparisons for these situations. If they think it's a pittance as compared to the Joneses, take them off your Christmas card list LOL. If they appreciate it, then they will come give you a big, ol' hug and a "Wow. Thank You. I Love You" whispered in your ear. Those are the best!

I can tell you from personal experience the whole "cash and checks in sympathy cards at a funeral" totally took me aback. I had never experienced that before. When DH's mother passed away about 20 years ago, EVERYONE in the family did that. That was the "custom" in their culture to help with the funeral expenses. I had to be sensitive to the culture (after it was explained to me!).

Just my 2¢ FWIW.

We just had a catered event for our hs graduate. It was real nice and aeluquint. People knew by invite it was a pay per head deal. That was just the way my husband and I wanted to go. Anyhow broke foot so I am very glad we went this route. I have 2 theories on this subbject. 1- is if you know you at going to a place that was catered consider that in the amount you give. You will be receiving top of the line food.

. I had friends for 20 years come they were my graduates god parents they brought one of there kids friends and both parents drank each 5 expensive drinks so if you put it together we paid them 140 dollars to come share this moment with them. They gave our daughter a 25 dollar check. On the other hand, say you did not know it was catered or paid by the head. Than I would give my normal fifty usually I bring food too and my husband and I would have 1 cheap drink it. Because we gave 50. I feel you get back what you give.... I have been on this earth for almost 50 years and that's the pattern I have seen. People know the tight wad takers of any group. The takers know themselves, just feel great this is working for them- but its not going unnoticed. Nobody wants to exclude them because they have other qualities we like about them. And people also are aware of the people that just don't have the money so a cheap gift or token would be just fine I tend to be more generous with closer realitives or maybe a parents circumstances. I factor all in before thiinking of a price. I have found in life there seems to be a lot more takers than givers. God gives back 10 times the amount you give in situations where you simply did not have the money yet gave any way. 9 out of 10 a great blessing is on the way to you. But you should try not to have that in your mind when giving. Mamabear.

We had 2 graduates from high school the same year. Different states. We gave them each the same, $100.00 each. Our granddaughters. We had given our grandson several years before the same. He also graduated from college also the same amount.

I think you all are lambasting caitlin. Yes I will say 1000 from realitives is a bit much. But the amounts she was stating was not that much off from most of you. Her delivery could of been a little nicer but I agree on her amounts. These kids usually have a choice from their parents party or money. The people who go to a party and bring 3 or 4 family members and eat and drink a lot and only give kid that is graduating 25 bucks is plain cheap!! Yes I teach the value of money to my children all the time. And they WILL write out thank you cards. But if you simply do not have the money, just one person go or send a 25 dollar check. The graduate should not have to be paying YOU by supplying food and drink to come. It should at least balance out. Common sense. It all sounds good to accept and appreciate others who really are on a tight budget the elderly or new parents that is completely understandable. But what I have witnessed in my 50 years on this glorious earth is the tightest people are the ones with the big beautiful homes all dressed in name brand clothes and stiff their love ones and friends with absolutely no guilt. In fact they feel they are doing you the favor by coming. They have no pride having that taker mentality and that bothers me.

gyr_falcon writes: "I'm with watchmelol on this one. When I graduated HS, many years ago, I
refused to send out notices because I didn't think anyone should send me
gifts or money for graduating. It is silly IMO. Parents pay for report
card grades, children get elaborate parties every year, gifts are
expected for every little thing, and pretty soon people think they are
owed financial kudos for breathing. Get real! When the focus of living
is looking forward to the next opportunity to solicit people for money
and gifts, your priorities are askew."

I agree totally! People start having birthday parties for their one year old and expect everyone to attend and give gifts and have a party every year from then on. I think I had one birthday party my whole life and my grandma baked a cake and I had THREE friends attend. HA!

Arkansas_girl- you have no idea how difficult it is to explain that concept to others.

"Your not celebrating her birthday?" Yes, we ARE celebrating her birthday, we just aren't throwing a party.

It's what I grew up with so its what we do with our kids. They get a party every few years, the rest of the time, we have a nice family dinner, usually the grandparents come over, we eat cake and they open their 2 or 3 gifts from us.

My kids don't need to be inundated with gifts every year.

Oh, and when they get gifts, they write thank you notes too.

My children had 72 (yes, 72!) first cousins. Many we had never met.

At first we tried to send graduation gifts but received almost no thank you notes. When the shower and wedding invitations from the same folks started to arrive we started to pretty much ignore them unless we had met them. Frankly, it seemed to me like a "gift grab."

I also agree with Senior if you have not seen or heard from people in years than get an invitation I feel that is tacky. Also sending invites to realitives out of state. I just say Kate has graduated keep picture but send no money please.

I just attended my granddaughters college graduation. I gave her a cash gift of $100.00 and a card with a special note. Her room mate who is also her best friend, graduated too and the two families got together after the graduation ceremony for a dinner in a restaurant where everyone paid for their own meal. Should I have given her room mate a monetary graduation gift too? I am widowed, retired and on a fixed income but want to do the appropriate thing, and just didn't think about it at the time.

No, you were not required to give the friend a present. Don't worry about it at all. Everyone was probably pleased to have your company, that's enough. Congrats for the new grad in the family!

No, Gaying, nothing is owed the friend other than hearty congratulations and a warm smile. I agree with Sushipup, your presence at the dinner afterward was wonderful to contribute to the celebrations of their achievement.

wow this is an old thread

Imhappy, not a response in context with the latest question in this old thread ;-)

Gay, you were appropriate in just gifting your granddaughter and giving them the pleasure of your company and thoughtful pride in their accomplishments. There is an age where you may not have wanted to give a present to one girl and not the other, but that age is not mature young women who are old enough to have graduated college. Congratulations on your granddaughters graduation!

(and no gift is ever appropriate if buying it strains your budget, whether its $10 or $100)

Caitlin will really be shocked because I am giving $10 to my friends grandson for graduating from high school. I am on a fixed income and have not seen him since he was a small child.

So sorry for commenting on this thread. I have deleted my response.

When I graduated from high school back in 1950 I was a naive little Catholic schoolgirl who had just turned 17. I was thrilled beyond measure when a neighbor gave me a card with a $5 bill inside. I was even more amazed when an aunt presented me with a tennis racket and tennis balls. Then another neighbor gave me a gift box with dusting powder and cologne---I think it was Heaven Scent. How nice to look back on those simple days and happy memories. I never knew you got gifts for graduation!

Imhappy, I hope I didn't sound rude, I was only pointing out this was old, with one new question somewhat different than the first. Reading what I'd typed, it may have sounded abrupt and I apologize if it sounded like that to you too...

JoanEileen, gifts certainly used to be more simple. All the years I was growing up, I rec'd a card with $2 in it from my grandmother on my birthday. At Christmas, she sent my mother money to buy me a doll, and then later when I was a little older the instructions were for a white blouse (because a crisp white blouse was very useful) or pajamas, whichever I needed most. It's funny but with all the gifts I've received in my lifetime, I remember those.

I hope Caitlin will have a job that can afford to send the amount of money she expects to everyone who sends her a graduation invite/announcement. Many would have to forego a mortgage payment if they sent a minimum of $100+ to all the graduates of friends and family, It's a gift not an obligation or entitlement. When I graduated, I never expected any gift. My parents threw a party to celebrate, it was just a reason to get together and have party. I was happy with cards, flowers, words of wisdom, I didn't expect anything and any monetary amount was greatly appreciated and thanked for personally with thank you notes. I don't care if it's a phone call. Email, text, in person, or card. Just acknowledge the giver - they are under no obligation to get you anything.

I just received a graduation invitation and I have never ever met him( the graduate) or his mother but her mother is shirt-tail relative. I will send him $25 though. What is annoying, is that these people don't know your address to send a Christmas card but sure can find out for something like this!! Oh well, and another addition to this old thread! :)

Marylmi, I would not send money. Send a card and write "Congratulations. Even tho we have never met, and I don't know your family, I know that they are proud of you." And let it go at that.

We have a nephew's graduation party in the near future and will give him a $100 gift certificate to his college book store.