I would not let my dh treat my son (his ss) like that. I would bring my concerns to him and discuss it, whether he wanted to discuss it or not. Of course I would try to talk about it in a way where I was not completely bashing him. I would probably tell her that the disciplining seems to be getting in the way of their relationship and the only way you can see to mend things between them is if she becomes the "fun one" and you take care of all the discipline. Even if your dd acted like a brat at times it sounds like sm is holding some type of resentment and behaving very poorly. I know that being a stepparent is difficult and requires much more patience and understanding than being a parent. What does your wife's family say about her behavior with sd?

Thanks for posting out in the main forum, I wish that other thread would go away forever... The baby is asleep, so I'll go through bit by bit until I get tired or the baby wakes up. "my stepdaughter has ADD, a really hard case," I came into my stepson's life when he was 8. He has very severe ADHD, ODD and may be bipolar; I think he may also have an auditory processing disorder. 8yos with ADD are tough, but I swear it gets better! "y wife and I both get really impatient but I notice that my wife is very easy going with her" ADD also requires ENDLESS patience. It's really difficult. But one key is to pick your battles. If they're able to hold a pleasant conversation, but have to be hopping on one foot and holding a spatula to do it, well... "the girl is pretty much of a big liar, fights with her little brother a lot, has some pretty rough games with her barbies and other toys," With lying and fighting, ADD kids don't have the foresight or hindsight to see the possible outcomes of their action. Their brains are absolutely hell-bent on instant gratification, and our job as their loving adults is to help them learn the skills of foresight and hindsight. "never cleans or organizes her bedroom, she's a very dirty girl, barely eats and whatever she eats she takes stuff out of the food/plate, but she gets tons of toys from everyone and everyone believes in her lies and all" Hygiene issues are probably best dealt with by mom... But, does she actually KNOW how to keep herself clean? My SS is 12 now and we're still telling him "Wash your hands. With soap. Sing Happy Birthday. Make sure you get your nails, between your fingers, and your wrists too, instead of just the fronts and backs!" When he was 9 and I had to talk to him about HOW to wipe his bum because he honestly didn't know how. "and I consider her a tomboy and honestly everything she does pisses me off," Does being a tomboy matter? I think I'll be grateful if my 1yo DD prefers trucks to high heels at age 8! "and to make things worse, she looks eeeexactly like her dad, the guy is a complete ass*** and both are exactly the same, the guy also has ADD, and physically, both look very alike." This one you just have to get over. She can't control who her dad is. "I really try my best to get along with her, give her advises, etc, I just really try my best, but for she misbehaves terrible every single day, without exageration," If you're open to how change in your family can begin with YOU, I can give you about a million ideas, coping strategies, tips and tools. But, if you are really honest with yourself, are you ready to change? It's OK if you're not ready - it's human to resist change, and you can come back to this when you do feel ready. "there's never been a day that she's behaved perfect, even at school, her school teachers can't stand her, so we took her to a psychologist and a child psychiatrist and she's on a med to make her just focus and be calmed," Back the truck up! Meds don't MAKE kids focus and be calm. Meds facilitate the KID's own ability to focus and be calm. Honestly, my SS can be unpleasant to be around without his meds too. But it's HIM being pleasant with his meds, not his meds being pleasant. I know I sound totally pedantic about semantics here, but it honestly does matter - it's a mindshift about how you approach your family. Can you start smaller for her? How about aiming for a good ten-minute drive to Grandma's house? Then a good supper? Then a good HOUR? Then a good afternoon? The ADD child's brain can't handle the abstract concept of "being good" for the incredibly long period of "an entire day." I'll elaborate if you're open. "but when she's not medicated, noone can stand her, my wife although she's easy on her, can't stand her much but she doesn't know that I've grown to hate this girl." There have been times where I've felt little to no LIKE for my SS. And there are times when loving him is hard. He can make me totally crazy. I sometimes feel like he's a disruption to my nice little nuclear family. I sometimes feel like he's being a jacka$$ to spite me. But he's a kid and he needs to be loved. If I expect the worst, he will give the worst. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. So every day, I get up and choose to love my SS. It took me a long time to get back there though (we started off well, took a bad turn, and are good now). "I feel terrible for that but I don't know what else to do, am I just hysteric? is it because I'm not the real dad?" It IS harder to love a child that isn't yours. Honestly, I don't love SS in the same way I love DD. But your SD needs her own niche in your heart. You're not hysteric or crazy or evil. You sound as if you're at your wits' end though and are pretty desperate. "I pretty much took over this family since my wife used to have a crappy life with her ex and the level these kids are at right now was pretty much an upgrade," I'm glad you were able to help with the status of the family! That shows that there's hope! "and I'm always a nice guy most of the time, but I telecommute and feel like resigning to it and going back to the office cause the kids never listen to me," Would it help? Would the issues still exist when you came home from the office? Would it be worse? Would it be a solution or just an escape? "their mom, although tells them to listen to me, they barely do or only listen to me when it provides them some type of benefit, so if I tell them to pick up their clothes and take it to the laundry room, ask me back if they do. They never go to bed on time, even my wife tells them to go to bed a thousand times and never do, we send'em to bed from 8 pm and it's 11 pm and they are still around, it's pretty stressful," Well, that's the first issue! Coparents need to be on the same page. Mom needs to step up and say "Wait a minute! I'm the mom and my family will treat one another with respect." And then she needs to make the expectations 100% clear to the kids, and STICK with it. If you and your wife are up to it, this forum can certainly help you. But it's a real commitment. "even with the food, we buy tons of food for the whole month and they pretty much consume even my stuff, so they don't have the lunch their served but take everything behind our backs, cookies, cheese, juice, coca cola (I wish they tool a tomatoe instead, haha)" We give my SS a container each week with his junk food in it. That's what he gets for the week. End of story. If he eats it all in 24 hours, well, tough cookies for the next six days. We made this clear to him and he's usually fairly able to abide by it. Also, just don't buy what you don't want them to eat! "so anyways, I don't have any kids of my own, I just took this torch and became their dad, the guy is not the best father figure either way and these kids got so used for what it seems, to their new way of life at a much better house, car ride and stuff, instead of what their real dad gives them, bus ride, guy lives with his mother, didn't even finish high school." Please try not to say anything disparaging about their dad to them. It's great that you're trying to be a good dad to them, but they may feel torn. They may want to be kind to you, but feel like their betraying their dad who's down on his luck, KWIM? Anyhow, if you're willing to make major changes, I'm willing to use my tiny scraps of free time to help you!

sue - I have a small flower garden(perennials) day lilies, gladiolas and such how do I prepare them for a cold, snowy, winter? Do I cut them back, mulch around them, this is my first garden, please help it's getting cold here already. Amanda PA z 5/6 - Many mums are supposed to be hardy, but are not reliable. Here in Pittsburgh, the worst problems for mums are cold with no snow cover, frost heave and wet soil that freezes. Your best bet is to divide your plants that survive and see if anyone local has divisions to trade. Also minimize above problems by mulching, planting in well drained soil, etc. White and rust colored mums seem to be especially hard to winter over. I don't know why. Andie MO/Zone 6a - A good mulch cover is essential to prevent heaving. Leaves are a good and cheap solution. I also walk the garden when we get unusually warm weather in January and February, and tap down the soil in places where I see evidence of heaving. Mums are unpredictable. I have had a bunch of failures, and then again, I have plants that thrive with little or no care. Who knows! JP WI z4/5 - I've had tremendous success with a yellow mum call Westpointer. Two have survived with no care whatsoever (though I'm going to follow advice here from now on). Two Radiant Lynn's have done fairly well too. JJJC zone5a ILL - I do not cut down my garden mums. I practice the "old" way, Summer blooming perennials get cut down to about 4", but Fall blooming perennials don't get their trim until spring. I do mulch the mums though and watch for heaving if snow cover is light. I guess what works for you best, stick with. Half the fun of gardening is in the trying! Doug ONT/Z5 - put your coat on and run right out side and dig up those glad bulbs. They are not winter hardy. Clean them up and put them in a cardboard box with dry wood shavings or peat and store them in your cool part of the basement to keep dry. Fruit cellars work fine but not everyone has one.As for your day lilies nothing needs to be done, you can cut the foliage back to the ground after a freeze. Most perennials like a little blanket of warmth over them. Leaves,straw,snow(yes I said snow)to keep them from thawing out on the warm winter days and to protect them from drying winds. You can wait until spring to cut back most. Michigan is probably zone5 most will survive. Rick - I do like to cut back all of my perennials to keep the bugs at bay, and from nesting during the winter. I cut all plants to two inches from the ground. I do not cut back any of my ground cover such as sedums, ajuga, or chicks and hens. I do however cut back bishops weed. It is wise to dig up any canna tubers as they are not winter hardy also. I just take a few clumps and keep them in my basement in a brown paper bag, and then break them up into small tubers for planting in the spring. I prefer evergreen branches to cover my perennials as they do not squash down and smother the plants. Posted by: Barbara MA/Z5 - Because the idea is to let the perennials go dormant before the ground freezes in our area, I don't fertilize after the middle of August. Too much growth would keep the roots from settling in for their long sleep. I usually put a mulch of well composted manure over the gardens (not on the plant crowns, but around them) in late November, then scratch it in the early spring to give the plants a gentle nudge. I then use 5-10-5 or 10-10-10 in mid to late April when new growth is a few inches high. Asle Serigstad - Very careful with fertilizer now! Avoid any Nitrogen, but a very small amount of fertilizer without Nitrogen will be stored in the basal buds, and helps the plants make it through winter. But Nitrogen now would be fatal. mark AL/zone7b - my garden is composed of wooded islands with turfgrass weaved throughout. I just rake the leaves off the grass and into the islands, taking care not to overpile in one place, and Im done. (well, not exactly...down south we have these nasty water oaks that shed their little leaves all autumn and winter, so it seems we're never done raking...) no shredding or composting needed. the amazing thing is I never have enough leaves to suit me, so I "steal" my neighbor's leaves... Asle - The perennials will definitely be safer with a cover of leaves. This is nature's way to protect it self. Do not rake them away till spring. I grow lots of perennials, and I know for sure that more dies out if not covered by leaves etc. Grace PA/Zone 6 - If you have bulbs you should get the leaves off of them early, or the foliage will come up whitish, starved for sunlight. Barbara MA/Z5 - . You've probably noticed that the maple leaves stay very wet at the bottom of the pile; they also compact into heavy mats. In my experience, more perennials are killed by being too wet over the winter than by being exposed to cold weather. I'd rake off the leaves, shred them if you can and return them to the beds as mulch and soil improvement. I do leave some leaves in a shady section of my garden where there are mostly woodland plants, but try to get them off really early (in March while the ground is often still frozen) and it is a job and a half! Ruta - I rake the leaves, grind them up and put them back. That way they give the protection but are small enough to decompose and don't mat or clump. You can do this with a vac/blower which mulches up the leaves, or I got a great tip from another site-to put the leaves into a garbage can and use a weed whacker. Kirk Zone9 Oregon - You are supposed to rake up the leaves of Bigleaf Maple. Those leaves will mat down and they can smother plants. They can even do that in nature. It would be best for you to rake them up. Janet OH - I have done both over my years of gardening .. raked 'em and left 'em. Everyone above who are for clearing off dropped leaves, made their statements for the quite correct reasons. CLEAN THEM UP AND OUT. That is, if you live in a region of winter freeze. They mat down, cut off light and oxygen, promote bacteria growth. If you are unsure, just leave them be (pardon the pun) then get back to us in the spring complaining about all the hard work and problems created by raking off the leaves from your emerging spring beds, how difficult it was and how much young growth you killed. Doug ONT/Z5 - In the cold zone3 area I would definitely not cut back the first year at least.Yes the stubble will help trap leaves an most important snow to help mulch those plants for winter. Lillies and peony can be cut back to prevent disease. Gail NE Z4B - I think cutting back this fall would depend on a couple of factors. If you have something that is quite tall and or bushy AND you have windy conditions, I would think that it would be a good idea to reduce some of that bulk. If that is the case in your area, I think the practice of cutting back to 6"-12" would be sensible. Otherwise, I would only cut back phlox, peonies, and other plants that you might have that would be susceptible to powdery mildew or black spot or nasty stuff like that. And, yes, you would cut back to green in the spring. AndieMO/Zone 6a - The only thing I will add is that peonies should be cut back because the foliage can harbor nasty diseases that will affect the plant next spring. Asle - Do not cut back until spring. The stems help to catch snow, to giver better snow cover, and also catches leaves and other things for cover. But just as important, if cut back there will be open "wounds", and moisture will go down in the part of the stems left after cutting, causing the root to rot (decay). Skip MNZ4 - Jeff Illes, professor at Iowa State University recently did a study on the cutting back of mums. They discovered that cutting back in the fall resulted in winter damage to the plant. They concluded that cutting back probably removes carbohydrates used for plant food reserves and sets up the conditions for winter plant injury. It is also felt that cutting back ornamental grasses involves the same processes and can also result in winter injury. Janet Oh/Z6 - Over the 32 years I have grown mums (!), I have experienced that NOT cutting back in the fall, resulted in young shoots being pulled (raked) off in the spring during clean up, because mums begin to sprout in my climate (Z6) about April. Isn't it so intriguing how perens. are so productively DIFFERENT in differing climates? Andie MO/Zone 6a - This is such a great debate! Maybe I can argue with myself. Pro cutting: No slimy residue to clean up in the spring; no diseases or bugs wintering over in the dead foliage; a neater look to the garden (O.K., so I'm anal) Con: No snow/leaf catching foliage for protection against winter's cold. A bare looking garden. Min BC/7a - It seems to me that "to cut back" or "not to cut back" depends on a number of factors: (1) local climate (2) the plant type (3) personal preference. I personally cut back some, but leave the others alone. How do I decide? I leave alone those dead foliage and seed heads that provide points of interest - poppies, Chinese lanterns, etc. Others I have left alone because the cycle of colour change, dying and subsequent decay just appeal to me (particularly Hostas). There are others that I would definitely cut - Irises, for example, because they can leave quite a mess after the slugs have picked their way through them, as part of their late seasonal feast. I dig most of my dahlia tubers out, but those that I leave in the ground (i.e., in drier and more sheltered spots), I would definitely cut down - they are aethestically unpleasant, rotting after that first hard frost. I have many more examples, but it will suffice for now. The point is that you do not have to be on one side or the other of the argument ("to cut" or "not to cut"). It makes the whole experience of gardening much more interesting and enjoyable if one could take into consideration each individual plant, it's location and any winter interest it may provide, rather than to apply a single wholesale practice for the entire garden (even though the latter is obviously the easier alternative). Bonnie - I stopped the routine of cutting back perennials about three years ago except for irises and perennial carnations. What I noticed in cleaning up in the spring ever since then was a significant increase in the number of ladybugs hibernating amongst the dried leaves -I assume ladybugs hibernate? - and therefore a much needed army of predators throughout the summer for those nasty aphids. So maybe not cutting back also provides winter homes for good bugs.

Jan, I'm in washington state, but nowhere near any of the fires, our air quality seems to be slowly improving, but it's still not good. What I've taken to doing with my bigger plants, (and if I can, it all depends on the pot), is submmerging just the pot in water for an hour or two (I usually do this if I have more than one reason to soak the root ball), then using a strong hose or other sprayer to spray off the leaves. What I noticed about the red mites is that they'll drop down into the soil (where they overwinter) and then hide, once whatever spray is gone, they crawl back up into the plant. If the soil is in water, they fall into the water and drown in about an hour. Any that were already knocked into the soil will drown, and the plant should be clean. Sometimes you don't get them all so you have to repeat once or twice, but for an indoor tree it usually does the trick. If the tree is big I've taken to using light sprays with rubbing alcohol and cleaning the leaves, but mine are indoors so I've managed to keep them off for the most part. If the tree is outside where they are horticultural oil sprays and washing them down seems to help, but a large spider population seems to do more. I've heard that predatory mites can be successfully introduced into pots to control them as well, but I've never tried it. Let's see, a good practice plant. It all depends on what grows quickly in your area. I first practiced on a fast growing vine I had, but I never knew what it was. It was given to me as a gift and grew like a weed, left alone it could take over a room very quickly. I also practiced on the roots of a rhyzomatus begonia that I have that required it because it grew so fast, but that doesn't have normal roots. If you can get your hands on a cheap small fig tree, (or ask someone who has a tree for one of the root sprouts) they can take a lot and come back, honestly my best practice was on figs because my mother had a tree that was always popping sprouts around it. I guess good practice plants depend on what you have available and what grows quickly where you are that has ordinary roots.