(((((hugs)))) to you, SamKaren and a hope that you find peace during this difficult time.

(((SamKaren)))~~~I understand 100%! I do not like folks that try to guilt you into stuff, when they have not walked in your shoes. I have enough 'mom' regret on my own with out others adding to it~~~you do not have to validate your feelings to others.

Peace

Sam, I am extending an understanding heart. I will not go to a funeral for my mother either. Different circumstances, but still, it is my decision, and I know, I will stick to it, when the day comes.

You have nothing to feel guilty about. I am sure, your mother knows you love her.

((( Sam )))

Hugs I was recently reunited with my older sister by the work of her DIL
having not talked to her for over 20 years it was strange but I did call her and we had a few chats she was so happy to hear from me it really made a difference to her (according to the DIL) We talked as if there were never any disagreements etc and told each otheer we loved each other. She passed on two weeks later. I'm glad I returned the call Hope this helps

(((samkaren))) I understand...Sometimes it's best not to go to those things.

Big hugs to you!

Don't let anyone make you feel guilty, they have not lived what you have. Only you know what is right for you. I am so sorry you are going through so many things. I have been following your posts and was happy to see that you started painting again. I hope you continue with that as it can be very theraputic. I look foward to seeing it when done.

Your KT family is always here for you!

I understand completely, and I know how hard whatever decision you make will be.

SamKaren,

My condolences to you in this most trying time.

(((SamKaren)))

It sounds as if you are making a healthy decision. Good for you.

More (((SamKaren)))

SamKaren, while I can't fathom your situation, I completely understand a hurting heart. Hugs to you!!!

(((SamKaren)))
Sorry your road is so bumpy right now.

Sam, I am sending you cyberhugs and prayers that you do whatever is best for you. I know the situation with your family has been bad for many years, and if you feel it would be traumatic to be around your sister and brother, don't go. You have been through so much lately, that you don't need this right now.

I am here whenever you want to talk. Hugs!

(((((SamKaren)))) I agree, don't let anyone guilt you into going.

You don't need guff from anyone who hasn't been through what you have.

Super big hugs.

So sorry for what you are going through.
Funerals are an interesting concept. We go to pay our respects to the one who passed, but also to comfort those who in attendance.
It is my feeling that the deceased are not part of the funeral. If there is indeed an after life, than they are already there.
It would be wonderful if the funeral could pave the way for you to "bury the hatchet" with the estranged siblings, but this is probably unlikely.
What you could do is have a memorial service with family and friends at your home. Say a few words yourself, and ask others to share their memories of your mom. This will give you closure and mark the event in a meaningful way.

thank you guys so much. I know the KTer's are always here with hugs and prayers.

I am trying to stay strong but wonder how much more will be thrown at me. To take my mind off of things I began sketching another painting last night. Took me 3 hours just to do the border but it made the time go by.

I will keep everyone posted.
SamKaren
your resident DJ

I'm sorry for your pain. Brighter days are ahead (they have to be). I hope that your Mother passes from this world free of pain and quickly.

I'm so sorry for your heartaches with your family. We're here for you..

If you want your Mom to know you love her, why not call or send a letter? You wouldn't have to deal with your siblings then. It might give your mother some peace and happiness in her last days.

Sorry you are dealing with so much SamKaren. Hope things are better for you soon.

If you feel you really need to do something, take Lydia's advice and write her a letter. Or call her. I agree with ellendi, except IMHO, funerals are bizarre. She wouldn't know you were there and it may turn out to be very uncomfortable to be around your two siblings. Plus, I don't know where she lives, but it you have to travel that means time off work (maybe paid??).

I'm Irish so I'm a bit superstitious, and you know the saying is that bad things come in threes. Well, this is your third, so hopefully things will start looking up again.

Lots and lots of ((((SamKaren))) for you!

I feel your heartache. Three of the 5 of my siblings were at odds with our dad. I was one of them He had stopped speaking to us the last 3 years of his life. We didn't even know why. To this day I don't know. It was difficult but we went to his funeral for our Mother. Had she been gone we would not have gone. Funny thing is the two he spoke to didn't show up. You see, he paid the other 2 for everything they did for him and they knew they weren't going to get any more money. That was the last day they ever visited with our Mother in the nursing home, too. They were in town everyday. I drove over an hour every other day to see my Mother. I truly believe they will be dealt with in the end.. I can tell you things about them that would curl your hair..

I don't know how far away you and your sister live from where your mother is but have you thought about contacting the funeral home where your mother will be and kind of explain the situation to them to arrange a private time to see your mom. A friend of mine did this..

So, you see many of us have family issues. Don't feel bad about not going to your Mother's funeral. I'm sure she knows you love her. You know you love her. I will be thinking of you in the coming days. Stay strong. You and your sister have each other and that is a good thing. I am sending " hugs" your way..

Susie

Don't go to the funeral but maybe think about just sending a card with a nice sentiment. Forgiving is for you so you won't carry the burden. By doing so you won't be thinking (I hope she knows) . You'll know she DOES know. It's a teeny thing to do and it will help you so much and hopefully give her some peace in her final days. We all deserve that.

My thoughts are with you, girl ((((Karen)))

Ok, so you have family issues....we all do. Having watched my mom wither, the last thing you want to do is remember your mom dying.

You know you love her, she knows you love her and that's all that matters. Right now while in hospice, she may not be 100% and having you visit is not going to change anything....with your mom. It could change things with the rest of your family but it might not be positive.

If the rest of your family brings you drama, grief and aggravation, my advise to you is to do exactly what you are doing. Keep your memories of mom close to your heart and wish her a speedy journey. She will be at peace soon.

Don't let anyone guilt you into doing anything you don't want to do. I know it's been a difficult time recently and you need to be ok. You really need to be ok and you're going in the right direction. Stand firm and strong.

Peace and love my friend. You'll be in the KTs thoughts.

I'm sorry for all your heartaches (((((SamKaren))))).

You are in my thoughts!

Sam, I am sending prayers for you and your mom. Hospice is wonderful. They took such good care of dad, and of us as we spent our final nights and day with him. Know that she is in the best place she can be right now, with the best care she can get. If you are close, and want to see her for a minute, maybe you can arrange something with hospice to make that possible without your siblings there to make things worse. If not, go ahead and send her a card, and maybe flowers if that is something you think she would like. If they are giving her up to two weeks, she is much more aware than you might be thinking she is. Dad was very aware, up until the last couple of hours. I don't want to place any guilt on you, you know best what your family dynamics are, but I do know that dad waited until he knew my brother had gotten there, before he passed. You could watch his breathing change when we said he was coming up the walk to the building. He took his last breath as my brother stopped at the end of his bed. If you think this might be a slim possibility, say your prayers for guidence and make your decision about wether to go or not. I am only stating what just occured with my family. I feel for you. It is sooooo hard. Dad was very angry with me and my DH for the last several months before he died, but he wanted all of us with him at the end. He said it didn't matter anymore. I am crying as I type, for you, your mother, my dad, and me. It is a good thing, as I have not really started grieving until the last few days. It has been a month and a half since dad passed.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Tami

(((((SamKaren)))))

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your mother. Coming from a similar family situation I can certainly understand the hard decisions you have to make.

Do what is best for you.

Karen, Many hugs to you while you are enduring these challenges.

Would it be possible to call the hospice center and ask them to hold the phone for her so you can say how much you love her?
You can be "with" her without the added drama.

Best wishes.

I'm so sorry.

You know what a toxin is, right?
It's a poison.

The best thing to do with toxins is stay away from them.

My mother terrorized me as long as she was alive.

I didn't go to her funeral, & I never have regretted it.

She had taught me that everything was my fault, & she taught my brothers that everything was my fault.

To this day, my brothers think I'm the cause of everything from ebola to their alcoholism to running out of gas to the national debt.

If I found a cure for cancer, they'd snarl, "Wonder why she didn't do that sooner?"

Take care of yourself, take extra vitamin C, get enough exercise & enough rest, & remember that time is the best cure.

holding you in my thoughts & in my heart.

(((SamKaren)))

Wow, Karen, you've had a huge load to bear recently.

(((SamKaren))))

Although I always wished for siblings, maybe it's good I have none. If yours are so toxic ,I would not further traumatize myself were I you. .I'd go with making a telephone call and speaking to your mother when others can't interfere.
Take care of yourself.

You have my prayers also. Prayers for your Mom, you and your family. Prayers for strength. Prayers for peace.

How far are you from where your mother is in hospice? If you WANT to say goodbye to your mother, you might call the hospice and see if they can arrange for you to see her privately or speak with her by phone. I'm sure the hospice deals with these family feuds all the time. Tell them the circumstances -- that you need this to be private from the rest of the family.

IMO this has *nothing* to do with your sibs. If they try to make it their business you just walk away, hang up the phone, whatever. They don't even have to know.

The goodbye is for YOU, and only if YOU want to do it. Your mother will soon be beyond knowing or caring.

You might put yourself forward a month in time. Think about how you'll feel having said and done nothing or having said a goodbye. It's going to be emotional either way. There isn't a 'right' or a 'wrong' -- it's what is right for you.

(This doesn't have to be a loving farewell. My DH had a hateful mother. He'd discovered his adoption shortly before she died. She was furious that her secret was out. When he asked her to at least tell him where they had adopted him, she said, "Some no-account place where you'd get a no-account kid like you!" My DH replied, "I'm leaving now, Mother. I'll be back when you're ready to discuss this." That was their goodbye. He's glad he put 'paid' to that account.)

Chisue's second, third, and fourth paragraphs said exactly what I was going to. And her suggestion to arrange for a private visit is excellent.

SamKaren, I'm so sorry. You've been through so much. I lost my Mom about 2 years ago, there is nothing I can except except I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry, too. What a sad, sad thing and so,many sad things have happened to you recently. My opinion is that chisue has a good suggestion with the phone call. I really don't think you have to do something that involves your siblings, but I do think in the future, you might feel better if you make a call. Just saying " Mom, I really want you to know that I love you very much and wish you the peace you so rightfully deserve." However only you will be able to decide what is right for you.

I certainly send my prayers and also many meaningful hugs to you.
ivamae

have to apologize for one thing....forgot to say that.my mom is having home hospice. She has someone come during the day and my SIL takes care of her in the evenings. Only problem is toxic sister lives with my mother. If I called she would either hang up on me or give the rant of how awful I have been for not coming around and helping all these years. Sister moved in with mom after my dad passed away and she got divorced. Since they don't know where I live I can't send a card because the city would be stamped on the envelope. My sister in Seattle told me once they were going to hire a private investigator to find me.

They have no idea that DH and I are separated and I don't want them to know. At least not at this point in my life.

Even if I went to my mom's house I don't think toxic sister would let me in. She might think I was there to claim any possessions. To give you an idea.....her and brother have been fighting over the house for 5 years now...who will get what in other words.

I'm doing okay right now. I started keeping a journal and have been writing down my thoughts as they pop into my head. It seems to help in a small way. But having all of you helping me through everything is the biggest help of all. You have no idea how much I appreciate the love & support from everyone.

Going to cry if I continue.....more later
SamKaren
your resident DJ

You are in my thoughts. If your Mom is very ill she many not realize you were there or not but I am sure she feels your presence because she is in your thoughts.

You can only do the best you can do!

Can you discover the name of the hospice? You could call THEM and explain your wish to speak to your mother privately. Your sister must leave the house *sometimes*. Your mother may become an inpatient at some point, but...your window of opportunity is now short.

You could also write to your mother in care of the hospice and have the letter posted by someone in another town or city. Write about happy times you shared.

"they were going to hire a private investigator to find me."

See how crazy people get?
They don't want you to come around,
they're afraid you'll claim some possessions...
but they don't want you to get away;
they want to stalk you.

I just remembered something I read the other day;
warning:
this could be considered a little irreligious, so read on at your own risk.

"They say God doesn't give you more than you can handle;
God must think I'm a bad-a$$."

Hang in there, Bad-A$$ Girl;
take your vitamins,
drink cocoa (Nestle's dark chocolate is the best),
put up your shields & protect yourself,
& keep on posting here, where we're all with you.

ps: Does this board still do the thing where we reach out to hold each other's hands in a healing circle?

This is your third and final bad &-awful event. Things will start looking up. Be at peace with yourself over this. It doesn't sound as though you can really get to your mother. Write her a note in your journal. Your spirits will meet and she'll know you care. ((( you ))).

keep close to yourself, and your sister..you 2 know what's best for you...besides, you can always check local papers for info when the time comes...

i understand...(and i didn't have any sibs to contend with)

foggyj
thanks for the great idea! I will write my feelings down and get them released from my conscience. Lately I am writing more and more thoughts and while it sometimes makes me cry it does make me feel better.

SamKaren
your resident DJ

(((((samkaren)))) Families can be a real PITA!! Friends are the family we choose for ourselves. I was going to suggest the same as some others and that would be to call mom and speak to her privately but that doesn't seem possible. I wish there was some wise advice I could pass on but I don't have any. Just stay close to the brother and sister you have. You have so much in your own life going on right now, for the time being it has to be you first.

SamKaren, if you WANT to send your mom a card, email me thru my page. I'll give you an address to send it to, and I will send it on. All you need to do is put the addressed card/envelope in a manilla envelope addressed as I give you, and when I get it I will send it on for you. But only if that is what you want. The offer is there for you.

Tami

So sorry you're having to carry this hurt. Take care of you and lean on those who care about you. (((SamKaren)))

I think the idea of writing your thoughts down in a journal and adding to it each day is a tremendous idea. I did that a few years ago when everything was upside down and it helped me very, very much. I certainly would do it again.

Prayers and lots of hugs to you