I sure do understand your need to reach out, and I really hope is turns out just splendid for you. If you're hesitant to ring her phone or doorbell, drop or mail her a small gift that includes a nice card with your note on it or a note separate from the card. Introduce yourself and tell her as much as you feel comfortable saying, and leave your number. I think I would let her know I'd really like her to call but that I was afraid to do it myself not knowing just how welcomed I might be received. And, that I didn't want to put her on the spot. I would ask her to forgive the impersonal nature of my introduction and explain I thought it the best way to give her time to absorb the information and sort her feelings, as well as it gives her the opportunity to either respond to me so we may get to know each other or not respond at all if she prefers we not develop a relationship.

Boy, I bet you're anxious and very, very curious. However you decide to contact her, just do it. Better trying than spending your life wanting to or spending your life regretting not doing it. Really wish you well.

BL said it very well.

I have to agree with Bestlawn too.

I wouldn't call or just show up on her doorstep though..I think a nice card (maybe a photo of you as well) would give her time to digest the news if she doesn't already have suspicions. Let her call you if she is interested. I'm hoping she will be.

As far as how to tell her you found out about her - are there other relatives that knew about her? Maybe one of them could tell you more and then you could use that as your source?

I would write a letter explaining the situation. Then she could make the decision to contact you, or not.
I wonder what she knows about her father? You said she has your father's last name? I'd like to contact her mother maybe, before telling her.
I would think it would be awfully hard to keep this to yourself. Good Luck with what you decide. It's complicated.

All I can say is....don't wait too long or it may be too late....

Hugs...and I hope all works out well for you.

patti

Someone on this forum asked a while ago about ways that they might contact a mom who'd given birth to that person when a teen and unwed, or a half-sister/brother that was unrecognized. The person's mother had given her/him up when born when the mother was an unmarried teen, I think.

I'm sorry that I can't remember the title of the thread - can anyone else?

Was it so long ago that it may have fallen into the abyss (as of late Jan., at present)?

I suggested at that time that the inquirer might like to use an intermediary, in contacting the mother, whose wherabouts the inquirer knew.

I think that there were a/some? ready-made link(s).

And try to arrange a time when the mother could be contacted when she was alone. Or, should there be others on hand, to have a diversionary tactic in mind that would not raise suspicions in the mind of other family members.

I wonder whether you would consider contacting and interviewing some medical people in the area, especially person(s) involved in in vitro fertilization, to seek an intermediary? Some of them are familiar with such situations.

On the other hand, a religious person, leader of a congregation, chaplain in a hosp., univ., etc., whom you might interview regarding perceptiveness, courtesy, kindliness, sensitivity ... and, above all, diplomacy ... to contact the person with whom you are interested to establish connection.

Perhaps to phone the person, identify him/herself, identifying the person being called, and sketching the situation, then giving a phone number where s/he can be contacted after the target(?) has given the situation some thought.

Possibly/probably the person could ask for some time to consider.

On the other hand, some people would say upfront that they were, indeed, interested in pursuing the situation, even if it had been sprung on them as something previously entirely unknown about, a few seconds(?) before.

I think that would be my reaction, in such a circumstance ... but I've had more varied types of human interaction than many, and many would be less venturesome than I. I might well ask if it would be possible to arrange the first meeting in the presence of the clergy-type person who'd contacted me.

Just some thoughts to chew on.

I hope that you find a positive means of approach, and that the situation turns out to your net satisfaction, even if not quite as well as you've hoped.

ole joyful (former clergyperson/overseas missionary/refugee resettlement worker ... and school-bus driver - which requires diplomacy

There is the chance of possible rejection - how would you feel then.

I would want to contact them. I have 2 nieces that have siblings that don't know about them but my nieces have no desire to contact their "sperm donors" or their families.

My cousin on the other hand did.

My Aunt got pregnant in 1951 by the man she was dating, almost engaged to and when he found out she was pregnant he took off and left her to raise my cousin on her own. My parents were going to adopt my cousin but my Aunt decided she would raise her. Not an easy thing to do at the time.

When we were teenagers we were at the Toronto Exhibition and my Aunt saw my cousin's father. He had always been into art and stuff but here he was at the Ex doing Sillhouettes. My Aunt told my cousin that was her father - my cousin always knew his name but really didn't want contact with him because she was angry she wasn't acknowledged.

Year after year we would go to the Ex and stand and watch him - we tried to get my cousin to get her sillhouette done just to see his reaction if she told him who she was. The funny thing was if he did her picture he would be looking into his own face because she looked just like him it was uncanny.

They wanted me to get my picture done because I could bring up the fact that I lived in Windsor and to see if he would say anything about living in Windsor. I was too shy to do it. I even tried to get my Aunt to go up to say hello to him but she wouldn't do it either.

My cousin would chat with him now and then as she admired his work and we thought for sure he would see himself in her face.

Then just a few years ago Mike wasn't at the Ex anymore. My cousin asked the young woman who was now doing the sillhouettes what happenened to Mike and she said he had been quite sick and died. This girl was Mike's daughter and my cousin's younger sibling who didn't know anything about my cousin.

My cousin started thinking she would like to know about her father's medical history because she had some health problems of her own.

A year later we were at the Ex again and my cousin went up to the young woman and asked if she could speak to her. They went and sat down and my cousin told her that she didn't want to cause any trouble, and gently told the girl that Mike was her father and he had gone out years and years ago with my Aunt. My cousin had pictures of the young woman's father and my Aunt together and letters he had written.

The woman didn't know what to say - she was at a loss for words. She acknowledged that my cousin did indeed look like Mike her Dad. My Cousin told her she was an only child and it would be nice to have a sister. The woman told my cousin that Mike married her Mom - his second wife when he was in his 60's and they had 2 children. There was another daughter who was handicapped and this woman helped her Mother care for her. He didn't have children with his first wife.

My cousin left her telephone number with the woman and told she could call her if she wanted to talk some more or to get to know my cousin.

Months later she did call. She said her Uncle verified that her father did have a child with my Aunt and he should have taken responsibility for her but ran away instead. She told my cousin her Mother didn't want her to have anything to do with my cousin which I think is sad. This woman told my cousin it would have been nice to have had an older sister because the sister she had couldn't communicate because of her handicapp.

My cousin felt terrible, she would have loved to have gotten to know this young woman who was her half sibling. She wasn't out to get anything, if anything this young woman had more to gain knowing my cousin who was an only child.

Maybe in the future they will meet up again. The following year the young woman wasn't at the Ex and my cousin doesn't have any way of contacting her again.

I was at a local antique sale last year and I noticed in the glass counter was a frame sillhouette. I asked the woman if I could see it because I might know who made it. She said it was signed and I said does it say Mike. She said yes but it wasn't spelled like the way Mike would be spelled. I asked her if it was spelled Myke and she said yes and I said that is the way he signed his name. I have a couple of his signed paintings in my attic. I bought the picture and called my cousin in Toronto and told her I found something of her father's in Windsor. She was thrilled. LOL

I would write a note explaining who you are, send some kind of proof like a picture and how you came to be and that you will leave it up to the sibling if they want to open a line of communication with you.

Good luck.

Anne

I just reread your post again and I can see your situation is not like my cousin's. I think it is commendable that you want to reach out to this woman that was denied paternity by your birth father. I hope it works out for you both.

Maybe all these years she has felt terrible because she was never acknowledged. You may be the one to put things right by accepting who she is.

Anne

Yep. Bestlawn said it exactly right. Don't wait any longer, Sipsy, you may lose the opportunity. And don't have any expectations, if she doesn't contact you then you know you've reached out. If she does, you may start a wonderful family connection.
We'll all be waiting to here the outcome with our fingers crossed for you...
Suzan J

I think it is wonderful and I wish you the best of luck!

If you don't want to bring up the will, perhaps say that you found out about her when going thru some of your father's papers/documents and just leave out the word will.

GOOD LUCK!

I vote for contact - just given that medical history might be wanted/needed...
My dh has a half sibling who has no knowledge of him -- although the rest of the family knows of the situation.. His dad was divorced & then married dh's mom- then they were divorced prior to birth and he went back to 1st wife & had a child. All of that family, except the sibling, knows and has met my dh..and me.. The only thing we can come up with is that the 1st/3rd wife didn't want the fact that they'd been divorced at one time known by the half-sibling... We think it's kinda humorous that it's possible when his biological dad passes - this poor sibling might finally find out -- kinda a surprise in your 50's... don't you think!

I like what BL wrote, with one exception ... I'd make it a nice card and letter, and leave out the small gift. I think the gift could wait until (UNTIL ... not IF) you get the chance to meet personally.

Best of luck to you ... I hope this woman turns out to be someone you're proud to call Sister.

the secrets are so horrid! i was very lucky and had a good relationship with my half sister (although she was old enough to be my mother) she was NEVER hidden from me...

i only wish my dh had been so lucky! first, he finds out at the age of 16 his brother was only a half sibling! that was rough enough, but about 10 years ago, another half sibling...this time, his father had a brief marriage and child while in the service in alaska! dh was again angry, hurt that he wasn't told about this sibling...she's a wonderful woman whom he welcomed with open arms...since his mother had passed, we don't know if she ever knew...but then we don't know a thing about 1/2 bil's bio dad...we speculate he was killed in ww2, before they had the chance to be married...

the other very sad story is my cousin's dd...her dad didn't want another child so left just after the baby was born...(yes they had discussed it before marriage but...!)

now the dd has lost my cousin, her step dad, and NEVER has had contact with 2 half siblings, paternal grandparent (who lived in the same town, grrrr) and only a little information my mother provided, and shock of all shock, kept a line of communication open with the bio dad, til she passed...

all this lying and deception... i just hope this helps making your decision...maybe righting wrongs elders seem to forced on us can change all the lost time...

Are you sure she IS your 1/2 sister? or is it just that she MIGHT be your half sister?
Just realize that if she were raised with different information, this could be terribly upsetting for her, especially initially. I'd be careful that you have you facts straight and that you are clear with her on what you know and on what you think.

Wow! Thx for the all the advice and encouraging words. I am definitely going to attempt to contact her this time. I am going to start working on the letter to her this week. When my father's will was read in 1981 and her name was revealed it was a very trying time for everyone- we were all in shock since he died suddenly at the age of 42, so no one even mentioned her. I was only 21 at the time and I really didn't think that much of it until the past few years. It was a couple of years ago that I mentioned that I thought that I had found her on the Web to both of his surviving sisters and both acknowledged having heard no mention of her by my father or any one at any time. My father always lived far away from the rest of the family, so it would have been an easy thing to hide from them. BTW, one aunt agreed that it would be "fun" to seek her out while the other discouraged me. I feel she felt like it wasn't necessary since my dad never revealed it. Being that now all of his family and mine for that matter are deceased other than his 2 sisters there is no one to ask anything. That is one of the things that makes me want to reach out to her and see what happens. I can always tell myself at least "I tried" and that will be good enough for me.

I agree with all of you who say take a chance and see what happens - if you don't you will never know what might have been. If nothing happens that's OK too and I personally feel that is the worst thing that could happen. As all of you have said I am contacting her and leaving the door open for her to contact me. If she chooses not to- then I am fine with that.

foggyj - I wonder what she knows about our dad too. Sad to say, but my guess is that it was a one night stand and her mother just gave her my dad's last name & he was never mentioned to her. This was in the early 60's. Since it was all so secretive I don't know her mother. If I did I would definitely contact her first.

joyfulguy - thx for the thoughts as you said some things to "chew on".

cherryfizz- What a story! While the situation is not the same - reading it makes me more than ever want to go through with this. A picture is a great idea.

naughtykitty - good advice about just saying that I was going through some papers and not mentioning the will itself. Actually finding the will in some old stacks of papers a few years ago prompted me to look her up.

cate52 - you are so right -medical history could factor easily in that my dad died from a heart attack at age 42.

gardenspice- there is no way that I can be 100% sure that he is her dad. I am going by the fact that she was named in the will and he denied paternity of her. I did a person search on her name exactly as it was written in the will and it showed her living in the exact same small city that I know my parents lived in when I was born. As I said earlier- the site also revealed her birth year and it is about the same as mine.

Thanks again and I will let you know how it all plays out.

Sipsy

I just have one thing to say...YOU owe yourself the option to lay it out to her...be it via a letter or a phone call-regardless-you took the plunge to seek her out.
Give her time to digest the info and if she responds & wants to speak or see you-amen! If not...so be it-at least you stepped up and made the effort to connect. Atleast, it should help you to sleep better at night-knowing full well that you made an effort to talk to her.
JUST DO IT!!!

I am about to come out of lurk mode, and add my 2 cents worth to this conversation. Please bear with me!

This topic is close to my heart. At the age of 22, I met my birth father and his mother, my grandmother for the first time that I could remember. I'd apparently been adored by both when I was a baby, but my parents were barely beyond childhood at the time (16 and 17). At the time, marriage was the only answer. And as children will do, my parents had 2 children together, fought and separated. Each moved on. Move forward 20 odd years, my mother had remarried, and my birth grandmother got in contact with her to say that they (my fathers side of the family) wanted to regain contact.

I knew that I had a birth father, and a step-father whom I'd treated like trash unfortunately, so I was not unaware of their existance, but that was all. I was given the choice of deciding whether or not to meet them. I lived on my own at the time, and my mother passed on the info. Believe me it was not a decision I took lightly. I was a very angry person. I decided that I would meet my grandmother first, alone.

Many hours of conversation, picture gazing, and explanations followed. There were many years to catch up on, and many family photos to delve into. There was a stack of photo albums all pertaining to my father, and his siblings. Lovely to see, but odd at the same time. All strangers to me. To the side of the bookcase, were two small flip type albums. My grandmother explained that these were small scrap books she had put together of my fathers 4!!! other children. He'd never met or acknowledged any of his now 6 children. My grandmother explained that as far as she knew, 3 of the other "kids" lived still in the same area as myself.

Long story somewhat shorter! I did meet my father, and I did try to forgive him, and to develop a relationship with him. It didn't work. He was in no way interested in a daughter of any age. He wanted to be buddies, and I wanted a daddy. One day, taking the local bus home from his house to my apartment, I sat down in a seat beside myself! If I'd had a twin, this was her! We were identical, and no, my mother had not given birth to twins. Red hair, large frame, and the same twisting of long bangs around our fingers were exactly the same. We looked at each other dumbfounded. And yes, we did talk, and get off the bus and go for a coffee together. Yes, she was one of the 4 lost siblings. She too was angry. So angry, that she really didn't want to develop a relationship with me, who at that time was closer to her long lost daddy. We parted, I gave her my phone number, and she refused to give me hers. 23 years later, I wonder how my redheaded sister is. Where are the others?

My point in all of this is: Please follow your heart, don't be distressed if she doesn't want/need you as a sister, but be there as a friend. Sometimes, our bonds with our friends are deeper, and tighter than blood.

Thank you for sharing your stories, folks.

Countrycottageclassyone,

I'm sorry that you had such an unsatisfactory relationship with your Dad.

ole joyful