namabafo - the furniture has served its purpose three times over. Getting rid of it is not disrespectful in any way to grandma. Offer it up to all of grandma's grandchildren if you think someone may want it, and then make a decision on how you want your house to look.

Go of to the Organizing the Home forum and scroll down and read the thread entitled,
"It Was So Liberating to Get Rid Of . . ."

It might help get you going on this.

You've already done some soul searching on this; it's not easy for most people.

You've used the right expression, "letting go" , there comes a point where the memory of the person has to be in your heart; broken down furniture are a dismal symbol of what their life was.

I think that if the furniture is a burden, let go of it.

Let it go.

Before you do, take photos of it. Use the photos if you need to refresh the memory.

Your grandparents would want you to have nice stuff.

ML (a grandmother)

Does anyone in your family have an old picture of a family gathering (with your grandmother) at the table? You could frame it and place it in your home for a memory, too.

Deciding 'when to' and 'how to' let go are different but related exercises. For me, 'when to' is answered with when it no longer serves a purpose; when it drags me down (energetically or emotionally) rather than lifts my spirit; when it occupies more space than what I have, i.e., clutter; and when I keep something out obligation rather than personal choice.

Also, to prevent having to make this decision at all, the next time someone wants you to take detritus, stuff, junk, off their hands, just pass and don't bring it into your home in the first place.

The symbolism of someone else's furniture is not stored in the furniture, it's in our hearts and minds.

As to "how to" let go, the best thing I do is to donate to my county historical society. That said, the items I've donated are high quality and I usually get certificates of value and appreciation from the society, as well as a tax write off.

You might want to read "Clear your Clutter." The most exciting thing I did after reading this was to discard greeting cards from people I didn't love.

I've been through this kind of dilemma before. I had a small coffe table in my livingroom that once belonged to my grandparents. This table had made the family rounds and though it was still in good condition, I wanted a new one. As I hemmed and hawed over putting it out for my yard sale, my sister said to me "Has it occured to anyone, that grandma might have hated this thing?" And with that, out the door it went. Honestly, I would hate to think that either of my children felt obligated to keep any of the furniture I own, if they don't like it. It simply doesn't mean that much to me. You know if you hold onto that dining room set, you'll be leading another generation to think it was loved. It's rather humourous when you think about it.

I have struggled with these issues as well, from keeping things out of some sense of honoring the family member, to accepting new donations of hand-me-downs into my life when I really should have learned to say no. I am still dragging around my childhood dollhouse, which after about a dozen moves with various family members who offered foster care, has all but fallen apart. Mover was here to give a quote last week....yes, I told him, the dollhouse comes with us...

Anyway, here's something to think about. If we are attempting to honor the memory of the loved one, but the memory is mucked up by the negativity we feel around the stuff, perhaps we would do better by clearing out the negativity. That way, our memories are clean and loving and not cluttered by the clutter.

Nancy, at least the stuff is falling apart! My current ball & chain is a chaise I wanted for so long, finally got, paid to have reupholstered and then realized it didn't work for any room in the house! It is in excellent condition...in the storage locker!

thanks everyone.

graywings--I read the thread on Organizing--I didn't know about that forum, I've bookmarked it.

It seems everyone struggles with this to some extent. It's emotional as well as material baggage for me. The only girl in the family, and the older generation all gone...someone has to "preserve" those boxes of STUFF. :/ I still have about 10 boxes of miscellaneous junk from cleaning out my mom's house in 2001.

Including a huge box of Bradford Exchange collector plates that "I'll sell on ebay!". My brother asks about the plates every time I see him. lol?

I did sell some stuff on ebay, and donated my mom's Playbill collection to the Boston Public Library, I Freecycle frequently (and I only give, not take!).

I just need to suck it up and do what I know is right--get rid of it.

thanks for everyone's thoughts

now I *really* need to go paint!

Nancy

namabafo,

Is there a chance that maybe your brother asks about the plates because he wants them? Could be a chance for you to let him take over some of those boxes of 'stuff'.

amy...........get that chaise out of storage and sell it! :) It's just money going down the drain IMO. Storage in a facility that doesn't have temp control is the worst thing to do to furniture.

You could pick one of the smaller pieces, fix it up for sentimental reasons and let the rest go.

annz-- my brother and the plates--um...NO! LOL He wanted to chuck them in a dumpster. I insisted I could sell them on ebay (I've seen one of them sell for more than $50, more than once--the others, not so much..) So it is just an annoying brother thing...

eandahl--I'm toying with that. The server is the smallest and is in the best condition over all. It would be great for the storage, but really doesn't go with the oak-y turn the room has taken.

good news is I finished priming the room! woohoo! One coat of tinted primer and the red is GONE baby, gone...I'm going to love the new color--the room feels bigger already.

Nam,
We have my Grandmother's 1930's Victorian living room set upholstered with lots of ornate carved wood. My Mom had it re-upholstered and used it for many years. It needs re-upholstering again. My Dad offered it to any of us 4 siblings that wanted it and although it is nice furniture and a family heirloom, NONE of us are willing to take it. It simply isn't our style. I didn't want to throw it away so I decided to put it on Craigslist for my Dad 'cause he wants it out. I felt bad at first but now I want it gone too. It's an anchor and it's taking up space. Go ahead, let it go.

Annz, the storage unit is air conditioned! So, I have to keep the chaise... ;-)

A very timely post for me. I have decided to let a huge sideboard go. It's like a toothache - I just want it gone now. Problem is, it's so big I can't put it out on the curb unless I get 4 strong men to carry it.

It's not likely to fit many homes in this area. It's been on e-bay, freecycle, Kijiji, Craigslist.......

I'm struggling with the "how" to get rid of it and I'm leaning towards chopping it up into firewood.

I hear you! I just wish my DH would get the message. He can't seem to let go of anything that belonged to someone in his family or is from his childhood - lots of emotional baggage there. My mantra is, "Keep the memory, get rid of the stuff unless I love it."

I can really sympathize with your post. I am the family archivist and historian, sort of by default but also by choice. I treasure everything I receive, but cannot keep all of it. I seem to get everything that everyone else has no idea what to do with - furniture, knickknacks, letters, papers, photos, etc. I keep all personal history type items (mostly letters and photos) and am more realistic with the rest of it.

One thing I do to help me out is to put myself in the deceased person place - what would I want to happen with my things, what was important to me, why, what burdens am I comfortable putting onto my descendants, what is my personality (would I be laughing that my grandkids are STILL using that dumpy ol' table)? Can the item be given proper respect (be displayed and/or used versus being boxed up in the garage or a closet?), etc. Going through this thought process helps me decide what items are important enough to hold on to, and what can easily go.

If something needs to go, I then take a photo and make notations about it. So with your grandmother's Duncan Phyfe knock-off you can take many photos (including close ups of those cut off legs!) and then document it's history - all the story's you've heard, all the places it's lived, etc. You can even make a scrapbook page if you're so inclined. Otherwise just a photo album with names and dates on the pictures as well as a history letter tucked in the album.

Also realize that it's okay if you're not yet ready to let something go. Someday you will be ready, or you won't... either way is ok. My husband still keeps his mother's Catholic bible's - they were barely used by her, aren't used by us. But they were hers, he has very few physical items to remember his mother by, so they sit out on a bookcase and my husband can smile when he notices them and we can tell the kids "Those were Grandma's, she used those Bible's to find the names of each one of her 7 children..."

I bet if the truth were known, your grandmother didn't like the furniture to begin with!! It was probably just something they could afford and that is what they bought. I say this based on listening to my mother tell about pieces she had or my grandmother had. It was just functional and in the budget at the time it was bought. Certainly not what they would have wanted had they been able to afford it.

So get rid of it and keep the memories of your grandmother in your heart. I've never felt bad getting rid of anything that someone had, since I don't think of them as part of the item. You don't have to have a shrine to anyone.

I've been through what you're going through now. It was an agonizing decision. DH was pressuring me to get rid of my mother's bedroom suite. It was not our style, 1950's blond mahogany. As much as I disliked it's looks I schlepped that furniture across the country on all of my moves, from one apartment to another. On one of it's cross country trips I received a call from the moving company, someone had stolen the van and they might not be able to recover it. During that time I couldn't believe how UN-upset I was over this possible loss. Finally someone else would be getting rid of it for me so I wouldn't have to feel guilty about doing it myself! But then the moving van was recovered and the furniture arrived safe and sound.

DH pleaded with me to get rid of it, he even dangled a carrot in front of me...I can buy all new furniture in place of Mom's bedroom suite. I really wanted to but I was haunted by what she would think if she were alive. This was all I had left of her aside from a pearl necklace and letters. I asked myself, if she were alive would she tell me to sell it? What would she do if she lived another 25 years and it was still her furniture...would she have gotten rid of it herself after all this time! I asked my sister if she would take it and she said NO WAY. Would her son want to take part of it, I could get rid of some pieces if at least one was saved. He had no interest either. That's when it hit me...am I holding on to this furniture because I expect it to be as treasured by the next generation. Is it going to be handed down so that others will have a link with the grandmother or great-mother they never knew? Already I had that answer, they wanted no part of it. So what was I hanging onto it for?
Even if they did I know they would have destroyed it given how they treat furniture. If I left it to them in my will they'd send it to the thrift store without a moment's hesitation! With no one to leave it to I realized it had no future past me anyway.

I was looking for excuses to get rid of it but that's what you have to do, give yourself enough reasons to justify the action. If my Mom were alive I think she would want me to experience the joy of picking out my furniture as much as she did hers. I noticed she wasn't carting around furniture from her parents or grandparents day either! An important thing to remember is that inanimate objects do not have souls, they aren't the people who owned them. I have smaller objects of hers and of course photos and my memories.

What I ended up doing before sending my mother's furniture to charity was write in her name and the date she bought the piece in the back of the dresser where it would remain hidden until someone took out a drawer and looked way back in there. I also wrote my name. So I've made our mark on the furniture, it will always be ours no matter where it goes. And I also kept one little nightstand, not able to part with every piece I kept the smallest one. It's hiding in my closet, heehee, waiting for me to get to the age where I may have to go into a nursing home. Then, when I have to edit all of my furniture down to a small room I can decide if her nightstand comes with me. And then we will have been together from beginning to end! :D

p.s. To those of you with kids...don't wait, tell them NOW that when you're gone feel free to get rid of anything they want. Don't burden them with that guilt. If your legacy is tied to piece of furniture and nothing else then you've failed somewhere along the line! My grandmother used to say her biggest fear was that she would be forgotten. Not having her furniture around anymore has done nothing to diminish my memories of her.

I think that is excellent advice msjay.

When my grandmother had to go into a nursing home, my Aunt cleared the house. Grammy told her to 'get rid of' all the antiques and heirloom pieces, she never really liked them, but they'd fit the house, and she was 'supposed' to keep them. So the stuff was offered to the family and what no one wanted, went to auction.

I ended up with a pair of resin pheasants that she'd won at a Tupperware party in 1964 and cherished, much to my grandfather chagrin. Every time I look at them I remember how much I loved them and my grandmother. They were so out of place in her extremely formal living room, but they were a peek at the woman she was...and who I am today.

Offer the pieces to family members. If they don't want them, you're under no obligation to keep them. Just like there are no 'rules' for decorating, there are no 'rules' for keeping things our loved ones had. Do what feels right to YOU.

I need to keep thanking you as more people post. This discussion has so helped me! (I'm a "talker" in solving my problems--dh is more of a "ruminator")

As much as I can appreciate certain styles in the right setting, many styles are so "not me". Duncan Phyfe is one. So good-by Duncan. All of it. Even the server that is in the best condition. Whew. That was like a weight lifted when I made that decicison.

Like when I let go of my barely sat on, Queen Anne wing back recliners. I bought them because I was trying to be a grown up, but after a year or two I really didn't like them and it took about 6 years to get rid of them. I don't miss them!

what I'd really like to do is chuck the whole lot and buy myself a whole set of Stickley style furniture or even a mid century mod. teak set--something with clean lines.. That is what I like!

Once I finish painting the dining room, I'll take some pics of the pieces and ask for advice on pricing them for Craigslist. SOme handy person might like them? (I hope)

Sometimes we have difficulty letting go of something that belonged to a beloved parent or grandparent because we are still struggling with letting go of them. When my parents died they left a whole house full of things. My brother, sister and I could only use so much, as we all had our own furnished homes. We all found things we treasured - things we want to pass on to our own children and grandchildren if they want it, but then there were many things left that we didn't want at all, but felt guilty about not taking. Slowly we've been able to come to terms that it's OK to let go of what you can't use or store. They are, after all, just things. What we keep is all of those wonderful memories of our parents and the valuable life lessons they taught us (including the one about people being more important than things!).

I dragged this back up to update on my situation.

I had decided to let go of my grandmother's furniture and happened to mention it to my older cousin, thinking her daughters might like it, before I stuck it up on craigslist.

Well it seems that my cousin wants it for herself!! I would have never guessed as she has furniture from her other grandmother. But she lieks this set better and remembers it at my grandmother's house. (by the time I came along, my grandmother was living with us and her furniture was dispersed to *her* cousins).

This makes me very happy.

LOL! That looks like a perfect guilt-free ending to your story.

I'm glad you brought this back up. I'd missed it. I appreciate the admonition to tell my kids they can get rid of any and all of my stuff. Good idea!

I haven't even read the complete thread -- I don't want to be influenced when I think I'm on my own right track. I accumulated many things from my mom and dad's home; things I knew they loved and for that reason I felt I needed to keep them. Over time I realized these pieces did not fit into my home and did not fit with my personal taste, and I've had to let go. I have many things from mom and dad (gifts and inherited objects) that I love. Those are the pieces that should be held onto. Let the others go. Have you received objects and furniture or pictures from family members that you simply don't know what to do with? They're only giving them to you because they don't want them and can't deal with disposing of them. You have then been burdened with dealing with them. If you keep things because you're trying to hang onto the past or keep a hold on memories, you can't have a life in the present.
If you have an object or a piece of furniture that you love because it belonged to a family member, give it a place of honor and work it into your life and home decor. If you don't love it and want to keep it in your home, give it a new start in another family home. I get a great pleasure in seeing a young person or couple obtain one of my family objects and I know it's going to be loved and cherished again. Mom and dad would love knowing that.

I hadn't seen this before either.. but I had a "heart to heart" with my mother just last week. I have two bedroom sets that SHE was pushing me to get rid of and release all sense of obligation. I was really struggling with it-- but she gave me the full history of each piece and while they each have a lot of meaning to me, they were all passed down because of need -- and most of it was passed to me as a child because my great uncle divorced(insert family gasp)and no one but my mother liked his ex-wife and no one wanted the furniture. *I* remember growing up with it... but as far as family history, it actually represented a bad spot of history in the family! haha.

She said that there was one piece that has meaning to her-- a chest that her mother shared with her aunts and uncles when young. It isn't a particularly nice piece and it has a syrupy finish but it represents where they came from and has a lot of sentimental meaning to both my mom and my grandmother. She said that she would like to give it to me but that she wants me to do something funky and cool with it. "You can paint it.. whatever you want to make it useful." So together we came up with the idea to paint it and replace each of the knobs with a different antique knob from the era-- iron, glass, wood. I think it will be lovely and it will be special because we'll gather knobs together. And when I next pass it on to one of my nieces and nephews, it will have a part of each of us in it.

Family heirlooms are what you make of them-- good antique pieces can carry bad memories and small or inexpensive pieces can carry generations of happy memories.

Drop all of it at Goodwill. Someone who needs it would love to have it. Goodwill serves a lot of different needs. I took a pickup truck full of my grandparents' furniture yesterday. Now it it time for someone else to love it. "It Was So Liberating to Get Rid Of . . ."

namabafo, thanks for posting back to your original thread, it's alway nice to get some kind of conclusion, yours is excellent !!