Hi... i've posted my story on the stepfamily forum- am currently breaking up with BF after 13 months- came to realization that he is a controlling person. Just posting here to vent about his terrible gift giving. Some of this may be selfish of me: Birthday - his daughter's birthday was 2 weeks before mine. For her birthday, he told ex he would pay for the party ($300). Ex bought snacks for the kids (?$50)We went together to get her birthday presents- he picked out at least 5 or more outfits for her, wanted to make sure she had lots of gifts to open (his own words), spent $150? My birthday two weeks later: I got flowers sent to my work. Got home, he gave me a birthday card, handed me a small box & said "Sorry, I kinda ran out of money, but I wanted to make sure you had something to open". Inside the box was a decorative coin jar, the lid had a baker figurine, and the jar was titled "Extra Dough". I was very disappointed, but hid it. He explained that since cooking together was a thing that we liked to do together, he thought it would be cute. Then took me out to dinner at a really nice steakhouse (I don't eat meat except for seafood- which they had), and given his money comment, I was very budget conscious that night. I tried to let go of if, but it kept eating away at me so a few days later I brought it up that I felt he didn't place much importance on my birthday - compared it to how he basically spared no expense for his daughter (didn't ask ex to split cost), but then when it came to my birthday it was "sorry, i ran out of money". Wanted to make sure she had lots of presents to open, but got me a coin jar! He then told me I was wrong for making him feel bad about spending money on his daughter. He told me that he could have chosen not to take me out to an expensive dinner, and not to get me flowers. I just felt that he could have budgeted better - knowing he had two birthdays, he could have asked ex to split the party costs, but chose not to (another issue that always came up). 1st Anniversary - relationship was already on the rocks. The week before, I mentioned I was thinking of buying myself some jewelry (had some gift cards to use). He didn't want me to, said that he was thinking of doing something nice for our anniversary and buying me a necklace to match a ring that I have. I said he should do that if it's what he wants to do - me buying a necklace for myself would not be as meaningful as something from him, and that besides I hadn't bought anything with the gift cards yet, and might still choose to buy something else. I didn't have much enthusiasm when discussing the anniversary, but since he brought it up, after that i kept bringing it up - asking him what he would like - should we go out for dinner, cook a special meal, etc - he said we'll play it by ear & never made any definite plans although I kept bringing it up. Day of our anniversary, he said "happy anniversary" in the morning. We met up after work. I had my gifts and card laid out for him on the bed. He got me nothing. I was furious and hurt. Even afterwards, he didn't make it up by planning something for us, or even getting me a card or a gift. His reason - he didn't think I was very interested in celebrating b/c I didn't seem very excited about it so he didn't plan anything (true I wasn't all energetic & excited, but I did get him card & gift b/c I thought it was the right thing to do), and he didn't "want to be the jerk who shows up with a present" when the other person doesn't (so I was the jerk?), and that he never made it up afterwards because I made him feel so bad about it.

I'm in my mid-40's and only married 3 years. I met DH when I was 40. I like to tell him that if I had to wait this long for him, he was worth it! 1.We match up very well personality wise (though he is introverted and I am extroverted--like islandgal said we balance each other out). 2. We have similar modest family backgrounds, and we both put ourselves through graduate/professional school, so when we met it was almost like we'd known each other. 3. We have similar interests in music and love to go to live music events together. 4. LOL, he was right when he said white for the paneling in the kitchen without realizing there are literally 100 shades of white. He also insisted on granite slab for the countertops. 5. He's not handy, but he at least knows that. We are happy to call professionals for things beyond our capabilities, which is pretty much anything beyond painting. He never had pets and took on me with three cats after we got married. He was at my side when we had to put one down a couple of weeks ago due to kidney failure. He truly loves me for who I am. He likes a woman with curves. Enough said.

I have a 19 year old son, and I know teenage gamers of the type doodledoo and serenity refer to.It truly is a tragic waste to see these boys waste this special time in their lives. But Sweeby's son sounds like a normal teenage boy to me. He does chores at his dad's house, at Sweeby's house he babysits and sets the table without grumbling, if he forgets to put his dishes away he does so when asked. Like Sweeby's husband, I am the type who would put the dish away and get aggravated. After two or three days of it, I'd get very aggravated. Sometimes, too, I get angry over little things when it's really an accumulation of bigger things that happened earlier that I never said anything about. Your husband needs to stop doing that. He is the adult, and he needs to communicate better. He needs to set the example of a healthy way to communicate. If I was your husband, I think I might be very frustrated with your son, too. Part of my frustration might be that my 13 year old has some developmental issues (if I remember correctly), yet he is seemingly the responsible, reliable one. It probably doesn't seem fair that the one who has no developmental issues or delays isn't as apparently on-the-ball. That type of reasoning isn't fair to your 18 year old, but sometimes our feelings aren't fair or reasonable. But even if our feelings aren't fair or reasonable, our actions should be. If your 13 year old is your husband's only child, he probably doesn't realize how very un-normal your 13 year old's attitude really is. My son and I sat down and talked to one another when we were having issues between us about helping out. He explained the nature of his video games to me and I understood more why he hates to be interrupted when he's playing (it's online with other people and he can't pause). Also, my son is very organized and efficient and a planner, and he likes to plan his days off. So here's what we do - when he was at home he knew he would have chores to do on Saturdays. So earlier in the week or on Friday night I gave him a list of everything I wanted done on Saturday. Once he finishes the list, he is free for the day. I used to just string the jobs out all along the day - whenever I was doing something and could use some help, I'd ask him all during the day. He'd get annoyed because he was interrupted, and I'd get annoyed because he didn't want to help. But if I give my son a list, I can get a whole lot more work out of him, he's happier, he doesn't complain, and I'm happy, too. He will still help me with the things that come up when I really, really need him - like unloading the groceries and lifting heavy stuff. The flip side is that my son sees that I'm working with him to accomodate his preferences, so he tries harder to accomodate mine. If I tell him something really bothers me, like leaving his dirty dishes all over the place or leaving his clothes in the bathroom, then he'll quit doing that. I don't yell at him or get angry, I just explain how dirty dishes "multiply" - if the kitchen is clean then the next person will put their dirty dishes away, but once one person starts leaving them in the sink then everyone follows suit. My son understood that reasoning. So if your husband is anything like me in bottling up his frustrations, then blowing over the small stuff, you could probably head some of this off. You could sit down with your husband and ask his expectations. Just "help out when asked" is not concrete enough - what exactly does he think would be fair for regular chores, how much time is reasonable? Then I'd sit down with my son and work out something mutually acceptable. If your son doesn't like "dirty", then what "clean" chores would he substitute? Would he prefer to run errands, do grocery shopping, etc? Find something that works for you both, make sure he knows it's coming regularly down the pipeline every weekend he's at your house, and no video games can be started until those chores are done. If "clean" chores aren't enough to suit your husband - does he like to see a teenage boy really go out there and sweat and do "dirty" stuff - then give your son a regular "dirty" chore and just be done with it. In my experience, boys just do not like to be hassled. Better to give them a straightforward job to do and get it over with and don't hassle them. It may be more obvious that your husband has this issue with your son, but your husband is probably this way about other things as well. Learning to deal with your son in a more healthy way will probably help your husband in other areas of his life, too. The lessons I've learned in dealing with my kids have made me a better person not only at home but at work as well. I'm sure your husband is a wonderful person. I am, too! I still had to change, though.

Yeah, of course in cases like this, the problems are multi-faceted. From what we've learned so far, it seems the pain you are experiencing comes not only from being unable to enjoy a relationship with these family members, but more so from not having the power to do anything about it. That's the dynamic which would have to change. It could take years and a lot of patience, but if that is in fact the case, worrying about it will only make your life, and the lives of those around you, worse. In fact, you may never be able to fully resolve this issue. As for your son... he is a grown adult, and it sounds like he and his new wife need to be responsible for their own choices and actions. In regards to your grandchildren from the first marriage, you might want to try writing your ex-daughter-in-law and, for the sake of your grandchildren, express an interest in maintaining a relationship. However, keep in mind that as their mother, she may not feel that is the proper course of action. But writing letters, and sending cards, will let them know you care. Since much of this involves people's choices outside of your ability to influence outcomes, sadly perhaps, being concerned about resolving your own choices and feelings might be the best for which you can hope. Hang in there. First, try to get your own feelings under control and you'll be able to make clear decisions that the others involved can respect. That is from where your power to influence the others will emanate.