14 month old throwing huge tantrums

19 years ago

So, I am not a parent, but a sitter. However, I have been around since this little rugrat was concieved and his mother is my cousin. We are both at a loss with what to do with him.

He throws real live hardcore tantrums. Over everything. If his hitting the other little one (or the cats/dogs) with a toy and take it away he will promptly throw himself face first on the floor and scream and kick and hollar, and throw things and if he decideds to throw a fit when you're holding him he will hit, and kick and punch and occasionally bite.

He's been doing this since he was about 11 months old. I generally try to just walk away but occasionally he's not in a spot where he's safe to throw his fit, like if he's around the fire place, or coffee table. I worry that he's going to injure himself. He also holds his breath when he's upset, he has since day one. He will go right blue and purple and often you have to jiggle him or blow in his nose to get him to take a breath.

I know ignoring it is supposed to work, but with him it just makes it worse sometimes, or he gets too upset to just leave be. I'll never give him back what I've taken away, or allow the behaviour that got him in trouble in the first place, but I will pick him up if I feel he is in danger or just way too upset.

Also lately he's been pitching forward onto the top of his head and then trying to get his feet off the floor, when he's upset. He puts all the weight on his neck and it scares me that he's going to get really hurt.

But how do you stop these tantrums?? I've watched a lot of children his age, and these are extreme in my experience. And it doesn't take much to set one off.

He understands no, and no hitting, and things like that. On a good day he will comply with the rules and stop hitting if he's told no, or whatever. But most days he'll keep the behaviour up until something gets taken away or he gets removed from the situation and then watch out.

He also does things like following the cat around grabbing her tail and laughing hysterically as she cries and attempts to get away. He hits the dogs all the time. No is still funny, yelling just gets a blank stare, the best thing I've found is to remove him from whatever he is doing and hold him in my lap until he cries and then calms down. Kind of a mini-baby time out.

He's a great, great eater. When he's being good, he's REALLY good. He plays well with me, by himself, with other kids. He's very smart and vocal, rarely asks to be picked up, infact he'd rather not be picked up and he naps well. He's either on one extreme or the other, though.

From my sitting experience, he's exhibiting behaviour most kids don't start until 2+ and therefore doesn't understand any punishment or consequences that come with it like most kids would, when they start this behaviour.

So I'm asking for advice not only for myself, but for his mother - And also in concern for his saftey, and our sanity!

Sort by:Oldest

Comments (5)

Vickey__MN
19 years ago
Personally, I think he has you trained very well to respond to him when he is angry. He is old enough for time outs. 2 minutes max..and he has to stay in the naughty spot. Doesn't have to sit quietly, but has to sit there. Naughty spot is safe.

Holding his breath...let him. He found the longer he holds it, you'll come running. He'll take a breath soon enough. Yes he'll turn purple a few times, may even faint (and then he'll automatically breathe). BUT, IGNORE THE BEHAVIOR. What fun is a tantrum if you don't have an audience? It's not.

He won't hurt himself more than once usually. My youngest threw a good hissy fit...slammed her head onto the floor, it made a good KLUNK. Next time she slammed her head...to within an inch of the floor, then gently placed her head on the floor. She still had the tantrum, but learned that it hurt to KLUNK your head on the floor so she just placed it on the floor.

Some kids are GOOD at tantrums. Leave the room, it's the best way to ignore them. He will quit when he realizes he has no audience.

As far as hurting the animals, kids that age don't always understand what they're doing is hurting, he just knows that pulling the cats tail makes her meow...cause and effect. So he needs a cause and effect. Pull cats tail, she meows, he goes in naughty corner. Don't like naught corner, don't pull cats tail.

Yes he's doing the "terrible two" stuff. Just because it's called Terrible Two's doesn't mean they only exhibit it at two, it starts earlier for some, later for others.
munkos
Original Author
19 years ago
Thanks for the advice.

He however does not care if he hurts himself. It just makes his fit bigger and stronger, and he will still do it the next time. Which is the problem, as I said I generally try to walk away and ignore it but his saftey IS at risk because he pays no mind to whats in front of him when he throws his fit. Coffee table, fireplace ledge, banister railings, sliding doors, etc, etc, etc. You get the point. If he's in the middle of the floor with nothing unsafe infront of him, by all means wail away, and Ill leave the room.

If he were my own child, I would probably be more willing to allow him to throw his fit and possibly injure himself a little more than he has, and turn purple and faint, but I'm pretty sure no one pays their childcare worker to let their kids get that upset when they're in their care, family or not.

Walking away out of the room has not done anything but increase the strength and length of his fits slowly over time, for the last 3 months. When he gets really bad I place him in his playpen where I know he can safely throw his fit for how ever long he needs to, but his mother prefers if I don't use that method often, so I can't make it a regular thing.

I however do not talk to him, look at him or direct any attention towards him when I stay in the room. Unless I notice he's getting too upset or hurting himself.

Like I said, it works to pick him up and place him in my lap and hold him still. He freaks out since he dislikes being held unless he's tired, or hurt, then he eventually calms down and I let him back down to play and he'll be good again for a while.

Also, I know terrible twos isn't reserved soley for two year olds, I was just meaning that in my personal experience with 10+ kids his age, this type of tantrum combined with his generally violent nature (the hitting, kicking and pinching/biting when he's angered in the slightest) hasn't been seen in most kids until they're 2 or older. I've seen the tantrums, and the hitting, but not this extreme and not so put together. Thats all I meant.

Thanks again though, for your input.
Related Discussions
Can I throw an On-Line Temper Tantrum?
Q
Comments (22)
I don't mind snow, I just don't like it when it gets on the streets or when we get our fantabulous ice storms which cause people to go into some kind of psychosis and start driving like it's the end of the world. I don't like winter much but I have lived in Hawaii, Florida, Texas, California and Arizona. So, Dorothy, Toto and I had to put those red shoes on, ditch the witch and click on back home...say it...there's no place like home...there's no place like home... I like the winter because I can take time to plan for next year and enjoy the holiday season with all my friends and family. For me, holiday season begins with Halloween and ends the day after New Year's Day. I enjoy planning the next growing season, making my charts, getting in the greenhouse in January and wearing my shorts while I'm planting tomato and pepper seeds. In my part of Kansas we can count on some tolerable weather in between some nasty cold spells. It was almost 50 yesterday. Today it's in the 20s. I don't mind. It's only a couple of months. I'll be seeding in January and February, planting out in mid-March and so on...It seems worse when it's cloudy and dreary and not so bad when the sun is out.
...See More
Our 11 month old new KitchenAid dishwasher craps out
Q
Comments (21)
We, too, had a workhorse KA dishwasher. I fairly wept when it gave its swan song after 20+ years of washing dried on cheeses, tomato sauce and other malodorous gunk. We purchased a new one, bought the extended warranty and had a service call within two months. Control board went. Frustrating part was that Lowe's told me that no matter what died, it was covered. Well, it was covered, but I couldn't get anyone to come out. I'd make an appointment, and the company would cancel the night before. Finally, I called Lowes, told them about it and they sent someone right out. Currently, the little happy chime doesn't signal denoting the end of cycle .... probably signaling another service call. Sorry to corroborate your experience, PKguy. I've become so cynical. I hear energy savings, it only uses a teaspoon of water, blah, blah, blah and I just put up my hand like a traffic cop, thinking "Please. I'll be replacing this in just a few years." Cathy in SWPA
...See More
Can you discipline a 9 month old?
Q
Comments (12)
Let me preface my comments by stating that I have 3 children, ages 8, 5, 2 (and one on the way). So I am not new to this, but it's all still fresh enough in my memory that I remember it realistically. That's just so you know where I am coming from. And I ask your patience now for what I expect will be a long answer. The answer to your question is yes and no. If you think of discipline in terms of teaching and guiding, yes, you can begin to discipline a 9 mos old in terms of protecting them from danger. If they pull hair, you can distract them and say "no." You can say "no" and remove them from a situation like pulling an electic cord. But they aren't likely to learn any lesson from it. I know people say their babies understand "no" but I do not buy that. A baby might respond temporarily to the tone of the voice, but at that age, I don't believe, from my experience, they understand "no" in any disciplinary terms. In other words, you could substitute any word used in exactly the same tone and context and get the same reaction from the baby. At that age it is about protecting them. Even if you do get a response to no in a physically harmful situation, you still aren't going to get one over manners, i.e. crying and screaming in temper. If you think of discipline in terms of more concrete action=consequence the answer is no. If you think of discipline in terms of knowing what behavior is expected, the answer is no. That is the beginning of self-discipline and that is a couple years off. There are a million reasons why this baby would behave that way. First off, she is a baby. She has no understanding of socially acceptable behavior and won't for a long time. She could be coming down with something, maybe she's teething, or tired. Maybe her nap/sleep schedule is in a period of change making her more tired and cranky that usual. It is also common for babies that age to begin to feel frustration over their lack of mobility or autonomy. She knows what she wants to do, but she is not yet physically capable of doing it. That makes her frustrated and the only means she has to express it is to cry and scream. Some babies express that frustration more intensely than others, kind of like adults. Sometimes there just isn't anything you can do about it short of making life go their way all the time (and we all know how well that would go). We will all have days like that, some of us will have weeks like that. And it has nothing to do with our parenting skills. It's real life. What you do about it has more to do with you than with the baby. If a parent responds to a baby's cries of frustration with a raised, loud voice and frustration of their own, the baby's will only intensify. As a parent, you just have to stay calm. Rule out any cause you can resolve, fix it if you can, and ride it out if you can't. If baby cries because he doesn't really want to be in his car seat right now he'd much rather crawl on the floor, there just isn't anything you can do about it. You gotta do what you gotta do. You can't reason with him. You cannot impose a consequence for the crying. You really only can carry on with what you gotta do, try to offer a distraction, but if that doesn't work, ride it out. They are not old enough for the type of discipline that makes them understand you can't always have your way. They are still of the mentality "I am the center of the universe and as my mother it is your job to make me happy." The scream says "Why aren't you doing your job!" So when that age hits, try to see life through your baby's eyes, try to understand what their cry says to you, it helps keep your expectations within reason. If you can see the baby's view of life, it helps you determine if the fit is over a need or a want, thus the best way to resolve it. And remember that when you have days like that, you are not alone, we all have them, it doesn't make you a bad mother. Not to scare you, but the temper of a 9 mos old doesn't begin to compare to the temper of a 2 yr old. And most professionals do in fact say that the best way to deal with that is to ignore it. On the up side, you will have far more good days than bad. And when it is your child, you move into those temper cries gradually and 1)get used to them and learn to block them out and 2)have time to work into dealing with it slowly and not BAM there it is. When you find yourself having to deal with it, you watch your baby's needs. If you know your baby gets cranky being out of routine, try to avoid that. If you know strange places make him cranky, invite people to your house instead. You can try to make some compromised in your daily life to avoid things that will aggrevate the crankies. But life happens, you can't avoid it all the time and probably really shouldn't. I feel from the way you posted you are seeking information for your own use, not judging your friend. But I still want to say don't judge her parenting by this bad day, or even a rough few weeks. Instead, and I'm sure you're already doing this, be supportive and understanding of this normal phase. I hope from all that rambling you got something helpful. :o)
...See More
Please help my 4 yr old is throwing out of control tantrums
Q
Comments (9)
You must be exhausted! First thing I'd do is talk to the preschool and get more information. Please ask them to speak frankly to you and NOT to sugar-coat things -- that you think there's something going on and you need their help. You said he doesn't know his colors and that he's "behind" -- exactly how? Ask about his speech, social skills, coping skills, fine and gross motor skills, ability to follow directions. What activities does he do over and over again? Which ones does he avoid? Are there any activities that are hard for him or that seem to stress him? Take notes and write it all down. Again, if you get the little spiel about how "sweet" your little boy is and how much they love him, thank them politely, but get down to the nitty gritty brass tacks. I'd also ask if it's possible to observe your son while he's there without being observed yourself. Let them know you're having some discipline problems at home, and since they don't seem to be, you'd like to see what's working so well for them. Even if you can't watch, just hearing about some of their techniques will help. Next, Google 'Disorder of Sensory Integration' or DSI. In a nutshell, it describes a set of symptoms where some children can't handle the types of ordinary sensory inputs (sights, sounds, sensations, tastes, smells) that most people can handle with ease. A typical child with DSI can be driven absolutely nuts by the seams on socks or labels on T-shirts, by the sensation of squishy mud or the sound of the vacuum cleaner. Other children with DSI won't be at all bothered by messy diapers, a skunk's smell, extreme temperatures or have minimal sensitivity to pain. Kids with DSI expereince severe discomfort, anxiety and even pain when confronted by the types of ordinary stimuli that surround most of us everyday. It's the kind of situation that can cause extreme and bizarre-seeming behavior in children that can look like ADD or even autism. The types of severe tantrums you're describing could very well be a child 'downloading' the stress of his day at pre-school in an environment he knows is safe. In a sense, he's having to work very hard to 'keep it together' at school and just falls apart when he hits home and can finally relax. The other thing I'd do is have a long talk with your speech path. Does he/she specialize in children? And if so, in children with special needs? (If not, consider switching.) If he/she has a few years experience and sees a lot of kids with developmental disorders, ask her what she thinks. True, she won't be qualified to give you any sort of diagnosis, but she SHOULD be able to give you an idea of what kind of specialist you may want to consult, or better yet, suggest a name or two.
...See More
lindac
19 years ago
There's something else going on here.....seek professional help. Tantrums are not unusual...but he sounds like his are over the top.
If what you are telling us is true, you need to get someone else to listen and then have him evaluated. That is not normal bratty behavior.
Linda C
munkos
Original Author
19 years ago
Linda, I am starting to wonder if that is the case.

He also has other little weird behaviours, like dispising having his hands touched. Lining things up, getting frustrated if someone puts the toys in the bucket in the wrong order. Doesn't like to be held very often. He's very smart for his age as well. He tells me when he's hungry, needs to be changed, tired, etc etc. He's very good at communicating his needs.

I'm almost starting to wonder if he is maybe starting to show some signs of autism,(the touch thing, lining things up, needing order) however, I don't know if the tantrums would have anything to do with that??

How do you tell a first time mother that you think her child may need to be evaluated, though??

I may wait until his next doctors appointment, she generally tries to book them so I can go with her, considering I spend more awake time with him than she does she likes me to know what the doctor has to say, and be able to express any concerns I have with him, so maybe I will bring it up then, so the doctor can either reassure us that he's fine, or be the one to say something may be up with her baby.
lindac
19 years ago
Absolutely!...Get him help...even if it is just a behavior problem, you will be relieved to know you checked it out.
I have an autistic grand son...his mother suspected something was wrong very early on but the Dr's Phoo-phooed that...until finally she really insisted and got into University pediatric clinics and he was diagnosed. By shortly after his 3rd birthday he was in special ed classed for a normal length school day....he improved dramatically.
You MUST consult with his moteher....she is your cousin. This won't get better without help of some sort. I have a friend who kept following blind alleys with her autistic son because she couldn't face what really was wrong, finally when he was about 16 it just became too dangerous for him to be in the house....she couldn't physically handle him and put him into an institution. He does much much better with everything predictable and regimented.
Tantrums often go with autism...because of the frustration....And there maybe an additional problem as well.
Tell his mother that you suspect there is something more than just bratty behavior and she really needs to see about getting him help..."getting him help" is the operative phrase....because he can't help the way he's acting.
Linda C

14 month old throwing huge tantrums

Comments (5)

Vickey__MN

munkos
Original Author

Related Discussions

lindac

munkos
Original Author

lindac

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

14 month old throwing huge tantrums

Comments (5)

Vickey__MN

munkosOriginal Author

Related Discussions

lindac

munkosOriginal Author

lindac

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

munkos
Original Author

munkos
Original Author