at witts end

20 years ago

I don't know if this is a forum I should be using but if I don't write something, I'll go beserk. My beautiful, hard working, intelligent (or so I thought)daughter married a man 3 years ago. He spoke all the right words and was smooth as silk. We were really taken in. He comes from $ and works in his fathers company. Right away he showed signs of being a party boy. We thought he just didn't want to grow up. Never did anything around the house and came home at 7am. Daughter tried to straighten him out but didn't make much progress so she just did everything herself. To make a long story short, after my granddaughter was born he got involved with cocaine. 10 months later, daughter finds out that he went through $15,000 and has been lying and stealing from their account. Problem is that she will stay as long as he straightens out and goes for help. I agree except that it's only been 1 week and already he wants to see his old friends, etc. He will never change his playing attitude toward life. This involves us since we watch the baby while my daughter works. It was only supposed to be for 1 year so that they could save enough for her to stop working. But that went up someones nose. I know my daughter has her head in the sand and doesn't want to argue or face reality. I cna't say too much because although we have a very close relationship - I am afraid she'll turn away. And besides, it really isn't my decision. I just can't stand the thought that I was lucky enough to keep our family away from this kind of stuff and she saw my husband always put his family first and yet she ends up living like this. All the trimmings but not happy and a bull artist for a husband. Should I shut up and get an ulcer? I don't think I can hide my growing animosity. Sorry this is so long but I am at witts end. Thanks for listening. Debbie

Comments (6)

keli_or
20 years ago
My heart goes out to you!

My ex had (has?) a host of problems, similar but not to the same extreme as your SIL.

My parents wisely kept their mouths shut and didn't criticize him to me or talk about our problems unless I brought up the subject myself. They would defend me to him if he went on one of his "put down" rampages when they were around. So I knew that they supported ME!

Looking back, I realize that if they had said anything negative about him, I would have defended him.
In part because I loved him and he is the father of my son, but also because it's embarassing to admit that you made a bad choice in a spouse.

I had to come to my own conclusions over time and realize that he was all talk when it came to making any changes.
When I tried to set up couseling or intervention, he balked.

The straw that broke the camel's back for me was when I found out he had fathered another child one month after our son was born, and he was denying the child and refusing to pay child support.

Then I saw his true nature at last!

I know it's very hard for you, but give your daughter as much support as you can without enabling his bad habits.
As you build up her self esteem, she will see that she deserves better, their child deserves better, and she will have the strength to give him an ultimatum or leave him.

Good luck,
Keli
chilloway
Original Author
20 years ago
Keli, I know in my heart that you are right. It's just so darn hard to watch your child prolong the agony. I guess the reality of it is that when your child turns 30 - their decisions are theirs to make. Like them or not.

Besides, I guess it's easier for me to just say what she should do than it is for her to do it.

Glad everything sounds better for you, though. This website is really worth it's weight in gold !!!!

Thanks, Debbie
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Vickey__MN
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I have to agree with Keli (and I have the same situation you do), it is hard, but ALWAYS let her know you support her. She'll catch on when the time is right for her. I think one thing I heard you say without saying it is that you feel like a failure as a parent...you did what the "books said"

I just can't stand the thought that I was lucky enough to keep our family away from this kind of stuff and she saw my husband always put his family first and yet she ends up living like this.

You lived by example yet she is letting this happen to her. Well you're not a failure. She is making bad choices, for whatever reason. That's hard on a parent. And we thought it'd get easier once they turned 18..ya right! Good luck, and check in if you need support.

Vickey-MN
chilloway
Original Author
20 years ago
Thanks everyone for being a sounding board. It's true that little children - little problems, big children - big problems. Again, thanks for all the encouragement. It feels better just to be able to get it out. Debbie
trekaren
20 years ago
Dr. Phil had a couple with kids where the husband was addicted to gambling. He had stolen all their money to fund his addiction and now they were hopelessly in the hole. They lived in Las Vegas, which made things worse.

Dr. Phil told her that she has to leave if he does not stick to the program. If she does not, she is putting herself, her daughter, and their financial wellbeing and future at risk.

He said even if that means asking family for help and moving in with them for a while, so be it. But by staying, she is not helping him, and she's only hurting herself and her daughter's future.

He said it is a disease and an addiction you're dealing with, in these situations, not a person. And it sounds like, if your son in law strays from the "program" and does anything that is remotely the "old way", she needs to leave and not return until he is 100% 'recovered'. That's also a term to use loosely because demons like gambling, drugs, and partying, are always one step away from returning, so you have to watch for it.
diane_pa
20 years ago
Am I the only one here who would really try to make my daughter see the reality of this situation?? I believe in tough love and I don't think I could sit back and watch her keep going downhill until "she" understands the situation.

at witts end

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